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You're going to think I'm evil after reading this. But here goes:
FI's childhood friend died tragically at age 15 (10 years ago). The parents of this child moved across country soon after their son's death and have been out of touch for all this time. WELL, the mother contacted FI on BACEBOOK, to send him an email that said this: "Hi "son", It's been so long! Are you getting married??? Where is our invite? It'd be great if you'd like to come visit us in __________. Our daughter, Sally would love to take you out snowboarding (she's still single, by the way...!!). Please get in touch soon, here is our contact info: Love, "mom".
There are so many aspects to this email that make me want to vomit. I'm sure you can pick them all out on your own. Thing is, FI is adament that they be invited and feels confident that they'll come. (He also wanted the daughter invited (who is like 8 years older than us, and he doesn't even know). Luckily, I was able to put my foot down on that one. We share a computer, and I was on his FB, and sure enough, guess who IM'd him on FB? Better yet, guess what she said? "Hey there---how's my son doing?" :::ARGH!:::
How do I handle this well? Do I have any other options? Is it terrible if I "forget" to send them a save the date? They would NEVER have been invited if she hadn't just randomly gotten in touch on facebook!!! The thought of meeting her makes me squirm.
10 years is a long time to not talk to someone and assume you will be invited to the wedding.
I know it's a different/difficult situation but I agree with you honestly.
I don't know how to handle it.
My question is, why does he think this is normal? Does he? I would be pretty concerned... that's a big jump to make, from not talking to "son" all of a sudden. I feel for the parents, but I agree with you. It's weird and a little insulting (about the daughter being single)
Wow, that's a lot of rage-bait right there, I can see why you're so angry! I think you know the answer to your question, though, of course you can't just "forget" to invite them. Talk, talk, talk to your FI about what upsets you so much about this. My advice is that inviting them probably will do less harm than you think; it takes a lot for someone to actually bother your happiness on your glorious wedding day. As my mom says whenever we're debating over adding someone to the guest list, "Think of it as another gift." :)
I would do the appropriate smile.. thank them for coming, and avoid them for most the night. Get FH Introduce them to about 3 others that you think they might know and let them be. You will be really busy socialising with other guests. So leave it to the FH.
I have a few of those people on our invite list, that I thought OMG why are they coming! but I will have to accept it graciously and try not to seethe on the inside!
Oh my Dear Miss VirginaMarie....
I am sorry that you two are at odds about this. I think that if it was not the parents of his childhood friend who died, but rather some odd person that is a slight acquaintance, then I would say don't invite them. But since he was such good friends with their family when he was younger, and their son died, I should think that the parents would be excited to see their sons friend getting married, and how it would remind them of him.
As far as the daughter goes... well, your FI loves you, you are a wonderful woman for him, you take care of him and cook for him and treat him like a king... I would NOT worry about him falling for some older single girl, and rather think of it as their family simply looks highly upon your FI and treat it as a compliment. But, at the same time I understand the irritation. Maybe your FI should say more clearly to the mother that he is not available to go snowboarding, seeing that he doesn't feel comfortable hanging out with other girls one on one, as a sign of faithfulness to you.
As far as the mom calling herself "mom" maybe she is just thinking about her son. How tragic to have a son die at age 15. :(
I don't know though... do you have more thoughts on it?
No, FI does not think it's "normal". He signed his response email using his full first and last name! He chalks it up to the "grieving process" for her. It is a sad situation, and I can understand them contacting my FI to congratulate him or something ( not to demand an invite, and try to set him up with their daughter all in the same email!) The "son", "mom" crap makes my stomach turn. Literally. FI has a wonderful mother of his own.
That is totally understandable that he doesn't think it is normal, and it is rather rude of her to presume that she can call herself that... but it does sound like a grieving process. And I bet he does have a great mom.
@hisbunny--Oh thanks girl! It is super irritating. I am not concerned about the single daughter--it's just so disgusting that the mother included her being single in the email!!! What is wrong with this woman?!? Fortunately, FI is supportive of me, and understnads why I'm a bit peeved. But I still have to invite them, and that just makes me so mad! grrr..... But thanks for the support, you're right--I just need to change my mindset (or try to forget about it all together!)
oh good that you are not in disagreement about it. Just think that you are happy that people are excited for you!!! :D
I would be disgusted too... Get your matchmakin' thoughts away woman! He's takin'!
Glad that she didn't send some email that was depressing about her son dieing and how he would be in a position like you and blah blah blah.
I think you are doing great!
Yeah, if he's insisting, I guess you have to. I'm glad he sees the problem though--that means he is thinking about how un-normal it is.
I see your wedding is in July. It's entirely possible that before then, he's going to start feeling really uncomfortable with her calling him that... and may need to have a chat with her. I think this isn't over yet, and that perhaps time will change things.
@Laboroflove, I sure hope things change in my favor over the next few months. It's so odd to me.
If you don't mind me asking, why is your FH adamant that they be invited? I agree with all the other Bees that this woman sounds like she's still going through a grieving process but what worries me about all this is that she might be trying to experience her son's wedding through your FH (as they were childhood friends and she keeps calling him "son"). It just brings up a red flag to me.
I was thinking the exact same thing as littlemissmoo before I even read her comment. Not talking for 10 years then calling him "son?" That is creepy and kind of sad. I don't even know what to think of the comment about their daughter! It doesn't even make sense. I hope that your FI comes around to your side and you can beg off the invite. I see others have suggested just let it be, let them come, say hello, and ignore them, but if she really is trying to live out mother of the groom fantasies, I'd be worried that she would make such a strategy impossible -- I could see her turning into that guest who wants the attention, hovers, tries to be in all the pictures, make an improptu toast (that will undoubtedly feature some misty eyes and a reference or two to her own deceased son), etc. I feel bad for this woman more than anything, but I don't think I'd want her at my wedding, either. Good luck.
OOo i think that's so strange! Maybe she's subtly trying to get your FI to hook her up with one of his friends? But worded is very very poorly??? Asking for an invite is very rude and presumptuous. But, maybe she feels like she's doing it for her son...like she should be there b/c her son died and this was his childhood friend? Calling him "son" is kinda weird though. Is it possible she sent the message around the time of year her son died? That could make her more sentimental/less logical.
And yeah, why does your FI care if they get invited? They haven't talked in like, 10 years?? All a little strange
And doesn't she know invites for a July wedding wouldn't be out mid-February?!
Let me go against the tide. My FI is an only child, his next door neighbors were like siblings to him. Their son and my FI are BFF but their son was in the air force for 6 years and they'd talk maybe once a year, his parents are WHOLE-HEARTEDLY invited to our wedding and my FI thinks of his parents as mom/dad. In fact this friend calls FI's parents mom/dad and he was gone for 6 years and didn't see them. I don't understand why you find this weird the boys were childhood friends and obviously from the email spent alot of time together. Maybe the mother needed to get over the shock of losing her son before she could bear to talk to his friend again. idk, just my opinon.
How does your FI's parents feel about them being invited? If she was so close to your FI that she calls him mom then how close were they to your FI's parents? I know my parents knew the majority of my friends' parents growing up, especially the ones I would have been close enough to to call "mom". I'm just wondering if they also know these people and if they think it is weird as well.
Maybe the mother noted that the daughter was still single for a couple of reasons:
Obviously they were very close family friends as kids, because she referes to your FI as "son". I have many friends that I grew up at their houses. Their parents wer like other parents to me. Now refering to him as "son" after 10 years might be a stretch, but I don't think its the strangest thing in the world. I think she would be upset if she didn't come. I don't really understand why you are so against this woman who you have never met? I would say skip the save the date, and maybe send a late invite.
I think this is a quiet blessing. You've found out (if you already didn't know) that your fiance is a kind, generous heart who doesn't want to disappoint a woman who probably just wants to reconnect with the friend of her son, to wish him well and see how his life is going. Yes, her timing is not really good, as she really shouldn't intrude on your wedding, but I feel like your fiance is showing just what a great man he is. And the best part is that you can show what a beautiful person you are too. I've read your comments on other posts, and you show a lot of compassion yourself and somehow seem to look at the other side of the story in almost any situation. (and I wouldn't invite the daughter btw)
I'm older and my kids are grown, and their friends have always, always called me 'mom' at some point, not to take anything away from their own moms, but just a bunch of great kids with hearts that grew to love me too, as I did them. I could tell you a story about 2 mothers of my son's friends and what they did for my son. I'll be in awe of them for the rest of my life. Have a great time at your wedding and the rest of your life with your sweetie.
I would def let it be up to your FI. What do his parents think of this? If this happened to me I would think it was weird too, but ultimatley it would be up to the FI, since he would really understand the complicated relationship.
(ps you will be WAY too busy at the wedding to say more than "hello, nice to meet you" to this woman, don't fret about it too much!)
Sorry, but I agree with the OP, Littlemissmoo and Amaryllis. I don't see why this woman needs to be invited, either. And as far as the grieving process, let's be real- while I don't doubt that the woman will forever grieve and miss her son, it's been 10 years! One would assume that she has worked through the initial grieving process. Everyone is ASSUMING this woman is grieving, but she made NO mention of her deceased son in her email to the Groom. I think people are making excuses for her. And if she is indeed "grieving," I'm sorry, but using someone else's wedding day to do that is tacky. This day isn't about her. It's about the bride and groom, and that's it. For whatever it's worth, these are my thoughts:
1) She keeps referring to him as "son" and herself as "mom" as a way to downplay the fact that she hasn't seen or spoken to him and really knows nothing about his life for the past 10 years, and to make them sound closer than they actually are. She's using this to manipulate him into inviting her to the wedding, and obviously it's working. Quite frankly, I think it's weird and rude. If this woman didn't feel the need to keep in touch with the Groom or his family in the past DECADE, how presumptuous of her to feel that she should be invited. Shame on her.
2) The thing about the daughter is extremely tacky and low class. As if it wasn't bad enough to invite herself to someone else's wedding, she's now taken to embarrassing her older single daughter. I'm sure the daughter would be thrilled to know her mother thinks so little of her that she's essentially pimping her out to someone about to MARRY someone else, whom she hasn't seen in a million years. Cheers!
3) The OP said that had the Groom not been contacted by this woman on Facebook, she would not have been invited to the wedding. It is obvious that he is only considering inviting her out of guilt that this woman is forcing on him, and not because he really wants her there. Guaranteed this woman was not even a blip on his radar until this random Facebook exchange. Someone contacting you out of the blue on a social networking site, discovering you're getting married, and inviting themselves to your wedding is not a REASON to invite them. (I reconnected with a girl from high school who married a wealthy guy and is living a pampered life in Vegas. You don't see me inviting myself to her house to visit her.) If I invited every person from my past that I've reconnected with through Facebook, my guest list would be insane. Not to mention inappropriate on so many levels. You have to draw the line somewhere.
4) This woman seems self-involved and kinda unstable. The Groom has had NO contact with this woman since he was a child. He doesn't know how she is NOW, and the Bride doesn't know her at all. How pissed are you gonna be if you invite her to the wedding out of this feeling of obligation that SHE has placed on you, only to have exactly what Amaryllis was saying happen- what if she DOES turn into the bad guest who wants the attention on her, hovers, tries to be in pics, makes references to her deceased son, etc? So she randomly shows up after 10 years, ruins your wedding, and then goes back to her side of the country, never to be heard from again.
Personally, I would not invite her. She has already shown through her intrusive and tacky email, that she has the potential to be more of a bad guest than a good one.
Good luck and let us know what happens!
@Kitty--Thank you so much for your kind words. You post was touching.
@Everyone else: Thanks for all the input. The interesting thing is, if I didn't find her emails to be so rude, I wouldn't mind at all about inviting her. In the weeks following these emails, she has since written on FI's bacebook wall saying: "Oh man, Sally is sooooo disapppointed that you're taken!" I am only able to srhug off such rude comments to an extent. I cannot fathom losing a child, I assume ten years is not enough time to heal, yet--it doesn't give her a free pass to say such rude things, invite herself to our wedding, and whatnot.
Funny thing is: I don't mind inviting the husband at all! He hasn't said a word, and I'm sure he's a great guy. I resepct the relationship that FI had with their son, and recognize that it's probably mroe significant in their eyes than in the eyes of my FI...and we're okay with that. What makes me dislike the mother so much, is her off the wall comments (grieving or not, she should know the difference between rude and appropriate)!
VirginiaMarie, she does know the difference between rude and appropriate, she just doesn't care. How sad that she publicly makes these comments on your FI's Facebook page. She's making an @ss of herself, and humiliating her daughter.
Her comments are incredibly weird. I understand inviting them and I understand not inviting them... the mom at least (and maybe the sister, too--although as far as we know she is actually ignorant of all of this and it's just a mother's wishful thinking) sound like the kind of people who would make a scene at the wedding.
I just wanted to chime in and say how weird this "mom" is being. I understand that what happened to her son is something she will probably never get over, but there are definitely boundaries when it comes to this sort of thing.
I find that a LOT of people are like this on FB. I have people that I went to HS with contact me and act like we were BFFs (when like, we barely spoke) and ask me if I want to get together next time I'm in my hometown. It's weird, and I usually just ignore them.
I think your FI should just send her one nice message saying that it was good to hear from her, and that yes, he's getting married, but it's a small affair to which you're only inviting close friends and family. He can tell her he'll post some pics online after, and then after that, stop responding to her messages.
"ih man, sally is soooo disappointed that you're taken" Is taking it WAY too far. That is so extremely rude. I wouldn't want her at my wedding either especially after those rude comments. If she'll post that on his facebook wall for all to see (I'm sure she's not an idiot and knows that you'll see it) what might she say in person?? She sounds like she has some serious issues... Plus, why would she want her "son'' with her daughter? She makes me cringe.
@Monkeygirl--You make great points, and really hit the nail on the head with how I'm feeling, particularly you're "#1" post.
@Bella---HAHAHAHAH great point! thanks for making me laugh.
i wouldn't invite her. the fact that she has already caused you enough grief before the wedding is enough reason not to. i wouldn't take my chances...this would be one fight i would not be willing to lose!
VirginiaMarie- just out of curiosity, what do the Groom's parents think of this? Have you told them about her inviting herself, the "son" and "mom" stuff, and the rude comments she publicly posts on your FI's Facebook page? What do they have to say about all this?
Oh, and the Facebook comments need to stop. Seriously. I'm surprised a friend of yours and your FI's hasn't called her out on this on Facebook already. If I were your friend, I would write, "well tell Sally there are plenty of fish in the sea, I'm sure if she keeps fishing, she'll find one! But this one's taken!"
OMG she even posted on his wall about her daughter saying she's disappointed he's no longer single!!??! Wow. That annoyed the crap out of me after reading it! What a rude and out of line biotch! Seriously, doesn't she know everyone can see that?
When you first wrote about the weird email, I thought that maybe it was just a passing comment ... yeh know, sometimes some people say stupid crap and not mean it. BUT then she posted on his wall to bring it up again! OMG! Can't you set her to limited access? In Fb there's that option so she can't see certain folders and won't get his status update announcements.
After you do that, I say ignore her! Seriously, outrightly, ignore her rudeness! How the heck can she expect an invite after saying those things? But I think your Fi will feel bad if he knew because he'll always think of his friend's death.
No save the dates and oops the envelope was addressed the the wrong zipcode and mailed in only 2 weeks beforehand? Oh no!!
@Monkeygirl--well, I think their whole hometown was kind of shakin up over the tragic death of this boy, so FI's family shrugs it off and says "how sad". Which I do understand to an extent.
@Vitsippa--Ohhh girl...there have been SEVERAL other posts from her about her disappointment that he's getting married. I just cannot comprehend being that rude. FI says that she's just saying those things "in jest", and for flattery. FI is not into these people a fraction of the amount that they're into him, but he most certainly feels obligated to invite them. Fortunately, even though he insists that they be invited, he's still super supportive of me "'hating" on her, and lets me vent, and agrees with me about the rude comments.
@Ejs--Right? The poor thing, I doubt she even knows mommy dearest is trying to pimp her out to a significantly younger, practically married man!
Have you thought about sending this woman an email explaining that it makes you uncomfortable that she is leaving these comments for the world to see?
I have a handful of childhood friends as does my FI we all call each others parents ma and pa and they consider us one of their own. 10 years for someone who lost a child is not a very long time. That is a wound that takes a lifetime to heal. It was probably very difficult for her to contact your FI prior to this with out feeling like the wound was being reopened. Also because time moves much quicker to someone in their 60's(?) then it does for someone in their 20s 10 years doesn't feel like that long of a time and she probably still feels very close to him.
That said, pushing her single daughter on your FI is rude as is inviting oneself to a wedding. I personally would take matters into my own hands and very politely and diplomatically let this woman know who I am and how it makes me feel when she says these things, especially if I was to invite her to my wedding.
Honestly....I'm completely wiered out by the whole situation. I would be irritated as hell!! Just my personal opinion.
Death is not always easy and nobody is being insensitive to the fact that her son died but come on it's been 10 years!! And let me reiterate the statement that she has failed to contact him in that 10 years! "Son"....right?!?
And stating that her daughter is single would have angered me as well. Wth is that suppose to imply?
How do you not ask how someone is doing after all of these years? How do you just assume you'll be invited? How do you not even remotely ask about the woman your "son" is marrying but are sure to say that you're daughter is single?
Call me the wicked witch of the Midwest but I totally see the issue you're having with this and I might just forget to send them anything.
To be perfectly honest, I don't really understand why you're so upset...Clearly this woman is still not recovered from losing her child (can you ever really recover from that?) Obviously, the comments about her daughter being single are innapropriate but I guess I don't fully see why a silly email or two would lead you to "absolutely despise" her.
I'm sure this isn't what you want to hear but I think you're pretty over-reacting. Personally, I would find some sympathy in your heart for a woman who has endured the worst thing life could ever bring (losing a child) and be the bigger person. You won't have a chance to say more than 2 words to her at the wedding, what's the big deal?
i understand the emotional attachment your FI has to this woman and her family, but i think that it's a little insensitive to let her go on this way with the comments. he's probably just trying to play devils advocate, but hopefully he'll come around and decide not to invite them.
i know if it were my situation, i would have emailed her a long time ago to tell her to back off, but i may be a little more confrontational when it comes stuff like this. hasty, even...
i don't agree with TrailMix.
we've all had terrible catastrophes in life, including the loss of close family members, children, parents, so forth. however, we do not act out with completely inappropriate comments that are downright rude to hurt others. clearly, this woman knows the impact she is making.
It's entirely inappropriate to invite yourself like that. My FI's first cousin once removed (his dad's cousin) did this when we recently visited her. We felt we had to because we were in the area (she lives in Vegas, we live in NYC); it was a very awkward moment. We decided that since it's just one extra person, we'll send an invite out, despite her tackiness, and hopefully she won't come. If she does, it'll be on his father to keep her company.
But I was allowed to have the say in this; in your situation, it's ten times worse and I would not relent. Who does that sort of thing?!
@Jennhasfeet, thanks for the support. I just don't have it in me to send her an email, I don't trust that I would be appropriate!
@Trailmix, well, to answer your question: I guess I'm more shocked than anything else. I am shocked that someone (grieving or not), would get in touch after a decade to invite themselves to a wedding that they are 'disappointed" about, and that they would try to intice my FI to fly across country to snowboard (his favorite past time) with their single daughter. Seriosuly? Who says all that in the same email? She doesn't realize that she would have made a bigger, more impressive impact with an email like this: (((((Hi Mr. Virginia! WOW, time flies. I see you're getting married? Congratulations!!!! When is the big day? We miss you, and would like to be in touch more often. Please let us know how you're doing. All the best, Kid's mother))))) If so, we would have gladly invited her.
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