Post # 1
I have been so stressed out about getting engaged for the past few months. Anytime I even brought up the subject of marriage to my BF he would get so irritated and just shut down. I figured that maybe I was wrong all along and maybe he actually never wanted to get married. Being married is something that is very important to me since we live together and he has a 3 year old son who is pretty much my stepson now.
This past Wednesday we got into another argument about it because I was questioning the relationship and trying to decide what I should do since I am 30 years old and have no children of my own. I really want children (he wants 2-3 more kids too) and due to my age, I don’t want to wait much longer and miss my opportunity to have children. The conversation ended with me going to bed alone in tears. He didn’t come after me. I was really upset and just felt like that was my answer.
Yesterday morning, I was leaving for work and woke him up to say goodbye like I do every morning. I told him that I was thinking about going to my sisters house (she lives 4 hours away) to visit her and my nieces and nephew for the weekend. He suddenly got really pissed and told me that I couldn’t go because we had plans to go hiking after he got out of work on Sunday. I told him that we could go hiking anytime and that I just wanted some time to get away and clear my head. He got so upset that he told me that he had been planning on asking me a “certain question” on the hiking trip and he had been planning the whole thing for over 4 months.
Now I feel absolutely terrible because I had no idea that he had anything planned. I just thought he wanted to go for a hike. I told him to just go ahead and do exactly what he had planned to do and that I would still love it. He said he can’t do it now because the whole surprise is ruined.
What am I supposed to do?? I have been wanting this for so long and now I feel like I ruined it only days before it was going to happen. I have told him so many times that I don’t care about the proposal, I don’t care about the ring, I just want to spend the rest of our lives together. He just can’t seem to let it go and still feels like he has to do some big, elaborate thing. Now it just feels awkward and I just wish he would ask me and get it over with.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated!! I am going crazy.
Post # 3
don’t sweat it, I know it seems like a HUGE deal, because you’ve been waiting for this a long time. Speak to your SO again when he calms down, highlight how much you love him and want to get married to him, and tell him if he doesn’t want to do it on sunday to hold on to the ring for a few more days/weeks and to suprise you at another time 😀 (I know a few weeks seems long, but hey if it makes him feel better, and you know you’re getting engaged anyways, what the heck!)
OH, and congrats on your future proposal 😀
Post # 4
Uhm, HE ruined the surprise. Instead of getting pissed and spoiling the secret, he should have just said that he had something planned and that if after this weekend, you still need to clear your head, you can go to your sister’s next weekend. Also, it’s his fault for not discussing with you that he had every intention of marrying you, if you would just be patient. The only thing I fault you for is for being impatient and not trusting your man.
You have to understand that the proposal isn’t just about you and isn’t just a big deal for girls. It’s a big deal for guys, too. He clearly had something planned and now he’s spoiled it, so you need to get over the fact that it’s ruined, stop being upset about it and maybe plan your own special surprise and ask HIM to ask you to marry him – other bees have done it before and Monica proposed to Chandler on Friends :).
Post # 5
He’s the one who let the cat out of the bag- not you. If you don’t want to wait, then just go on the hike on Sunday. I was in a similar situation while waiting and 100% KNEW FI was proposing on our Cancun trip- I was stressed out about it and thought it was ruined. You know what? It wasn’t ruined- I was on cloud 9 when it happened and it was amazing. I’d tell him that he needs to put his big boy pants on and propose as planned. What’s the alternative? Make you wait even longer? That really doesn’t seem fair to you.
Post # 6
Thanks for the advice! I am just a mess since this all happened yesterday. I haven’t been able to eat, can’t think about anything else other than how I feel like I ruined everything. I did tell him last night that he was the one who ruined the surprise, not me. I wonder if he’s more upset with himself than with me. I have told him so many times that it’s not about the proposal, the ring or the wedding. Those things do not make a marriage. We have both been married and divorced before. His ex cheated on him and got pregnant with another man. My ex was verbally and physically abusive and sent me to the hospital twice. So we both come with scars and baggage. However, I knew on our first date that he was the man I would spend the rest of my life with. He has told me that he felt the same way since day one. We have become best friends, partners and I couldn’t ever imagine spending my life with anyone else. I never felt that way about my ex. In fact, my wedding day was one of the worst days of my life. I just want to start our lives together and hopefully avoid any further drama or heartache over something as trivial as a proposal. I know years from now we will be able to look back on this and maybe laugh about it. I just feel so disappointed, guilty and most of all I hate that something he worked so hard on and spent so much time and effort on just for me is ruined. I plan on going on the hike tomorrow but it’s going to be bittersweet knowing what could have happened.
Post # 7
yeah he didn’t need to be such an ass about it. if, instead of letting you go to bed crying, he’d given you a hug and a kiss, tucked you in and told you that he had every intention of marrying you, none of this would have happened.
he’s being rude about it in my opinion, if he knew he was going to propose, why on earth would he have shut down and been so mean to you about it? to the point that you cried? he could clearly have said ‘i definitely want to marry you, what do you think about x?’ and not ruined anything.
so no. you didn’t ruin anything.