Post # 1
I had a m/c almost three weeks ago. I chose to distance myself from “the world”, mainly just FB, for the first two weeks so that I could regroup emotionally. My family and friends understood, I thought I made my reasoning clear to my Mother-In-Law when she emailed me during the first week. Her email was full of all those things that no one should say to a woman who just miscarried…and not to mention that it didn’t once include a “sorry for your loss” note.
I checked my husbands FB messages yesterday and she sent him the following:
(ms.charming) maid it clear that the people who love her will understand and will leave her alone. I am glad that when you boys are having serious problems you take comfort by your family and the love we give you. I know we are not her family so I hope she reached out to her family for comfort. I hope you know that we will always be here for you.
Post # 3
Adding this….since I keep tryin to edit, but it doesn’t seem to go thru.
She posted the following on his FB Wall yesterday:
Sorry to hear of your loss. Love mom and dad.
I understand that this is also my husband loss, but doesn’t this post seem a bit callous. It doesn’t mention my loss, even indirectly. I checked my FB Wall, she didn’t post anything similar.
She brings me to tears. She and my Father-In-Law are supposed to visit sometime in August and I am considering univiting them now.
Any adivice or suggestions would help, or at this point maybe I need a reality check because my horomones are out of whack.
Thank you bees.
Post # 4
@ms.charming: First of all, I’m really sorry for your loss. 🙁 I know you will get a lot of support here on the bee if you decide you want to talk about it.
It sounds like your Mother-In-Law needs to understand that different people greive in different ways. I don’t really feel that what she wrote to him was awful, although I guess it sounded a bit judgmental. I’m not sticking up for her, but she is greiving in a way, too. Did your Darling Husband respond to her?
I’m not sure what she wrote to you, but I’m sorry it upset you and hopefully she’ll respect your wishes to be left alone for a while until you’re ready.
Giant hugs to you!
Post # 5
Your horomones are not out of whack. Every woman (or couple) has the right to deal with and grieve a M/C or any other loss for that matter in ANY way they wish. I really, really think that your choice to stay off facebook is completely reasonable, and not sharing your every feeling with ILs is normal. I would do the same. I love my FI’s family, but they are still not the people I would turn to for support. That would be my Fiance, and possibly my mom.
Regardless, she is being completely insensitve and making this whole situation about HER instead of giving you the space and time you requested.
I would uninvite her, but I’m a biotch like that 😉
I hope you can see past her and find comfort in this hard time!
Post # 6
@ms.charming: Just saw your edit.
I agree, that’s private and should have been sent in a message rather than a wall post. Also, it should have been said to both of you – BUT – you did ask to be left alone…I don’t know.
This is obviously a really upsetting and emotional time for you and it’s ok to feel angry and upset about what you’re going through. From what you’ve said here, I’m not sure that your Mother-In-Law is being too horrible, although a bit insensitive.
If you feel that you want to ask them to postpone their visit until you’re feeling up to it, that’s ok, too. Talk to your Darling Husband about how you’re feeling and get his take on things?
Post # 7
I think you have a right to be upset, and I would be upset by the blatant violation of your privacy by posting things like that on a public facebook wall. I wouldn’t read too much into the wall post, because it was really his parnts reaching out to recognize his loss (which, like you said, is valid, because it was his child also). I do think in some twisted sort of way, she is trying to give you the space you requested.
Maybe your husband should respond and say something about how you wanted time and space to process the loss, and maybe when you feel up to it, you can invite her over for coffee to let her know it wasn’t personal, but just how you were grieving.
Also, so sorry for your loss.
Post # 8
I’m sorry about your miscarriage.
I do think that you are being overly sensitive towards your Mother-In-Law based on what you pasted here. Unfortunately people are not mind readers so sometimes they say less-than-100%-sensitive things, but it sounds like she is just concerned for you in her own way. I interpreted her first comment as hoping that you find a source of support.
She probably feels excluded. If I was in your position I would probably do exactly the same thing, and I would certainly not care if I made someone feel excluded as a side effect. But that doesn’t mean it won’t cause fallout.
I would also feel annoyed if someone didn’t understand my strong emotional reaction and tried to make it all about them, but I don’t think she is acting maliciously. She is probably really sad too. People react in different ways. It might actually make you feel better if you try to cut her some slack and give her the benefit of the doubt.
It might help if you ask her not to mention the mc on fb, too.
Post # 9
I’m very sorry for your loss. As an outside observer, it doesn’t look like your Mother-In-Law is trying to hurt you or be callous toward you. You asked for space, and it appears she is trying to give it to you. She is however, trying to be supportive of her son who also experienced a terrible loss. Perhaps she isn’t doing it the way you would, but I don’t read these messages as a dig at you at all. Again, I’m so, so sorry.
Post # 10
@Juliepants: My husband didn’t respond to her. I’m also feeling a bit put off by his lack of response because if anything, this would be a time to bring up the fact that she didn’t take me into account on my loss as well. I don’t know if it’s just his way of avoiding conflict, but he did tell me that he thought it was just her being an “asshole”.
Post # 11
@MrsSawyer: I grieved in a way I didn’t think I would. I completely shut out everyone, even my own mother…I don’t even understand that myself, but I’m just now able to talk about what happened with anyone other than my husband.
I want to be a biatch too…and uninvite her.
Post # 12
@MidwestBride2012: I’m trying…to not let emotions get the best of me. It helps to get a different perspective. Thank you.
Post # 13
@ElbieKay: Thank you…and I will try to cut her some slack.
Post # 14
The wording is a little clunky, but it sounds like she’s saying, OP needs to open up and talk to people about her loss in order to heal (not necessarily true, but your MIL’s opinion) but she has made it clear she doesn’t want those people to be us (meaning your husband’s side of the family) so I hope she is receiving comfort from someone since we don’t want to upset her further by reaching out to her.
Sounds like your Mother-In-Law doesn’t agree with how you are handling your loss but she is respecting your wishes and not saying anything to you about it. Maybe she is taking it personally that you don’t want to talk to her about it.
OP, you need to grieve in your own way, and if that means taking a breather from other people, go ahead. You don’t need your MIL’s permission or approval. Just know that while Mother-In-Law is not being very sensitive right now, I don’t think she is malicious. Sounds like she is just convinced there is a “right” way to process a loss and feels frustrated you are not doing it her way and feels like you are making it harder on yourself. Ignore her, focus on yourself and your husband.
Post # 15
@ms.charming: Sorry for you loss 🙁 the only thing I can think of is… Everyone grieves in their own way, and your Mother-In-Law may respond to grief by talking/communicating. It sounds to me like she is respecting your wishes for non-communication (especially on FB), but still wants to let your husband know they’re there for him ( y’all) emotionally. Also– my mother doesn’t ” get” Facebook all the time– and she thought writing on my wall was JUST to me, and not everyone else’s eyes… So perhaps she didn’t realize how public her thoughts to him we’re going to be. Either way– so sorry for your loss.
Post # 16
Some people just don’t understand other people well enough. It sounds that Mother-In-Law is used to her boys running to her in their time of need/greiving. She most likely wanted to be a person you would urn to as well, and when that didn’t happen for whatever reason, she may have taken it too personally. Even though you made it clear you wanted everyone to back off and give you time, she may be feeling that you are turning to other people and is hurt about it.
I would talk to her and tell her that you really did have a difficult time, and did not even want to be around your own mother. Though you do not NEED to explain yourself, she may have just misunderstood you.
As for the facebook thing, I really really really dislike people giving condolonces over FB, especially on walls. Unfortunately, it is one of those things that pople do to be nice, but it really makes my skin crawl. Unfortunately, I would just let this one go. It was on your husband’s wall, and you said you wanted no attention, so maybe that is why she did not post on your wall, or add your name to the post? Either way (even if she was being bratty), I don’t see any good coming from bringing it up.