Post # 1
Hey bees….looking for a little advice or input or sage words or whatever. Over the past year or so, my SO has made comments (more so recently) about how he thinks of me as his wife, whether we are common law married or not, or when I was picking on him this weekend: “You knew what you were getting into when you married me.”
We aren’t married or even engaged so while I think this is cute and sweet (I also think of him as my husband), but it also confuses me because I don’t know how to take it or what he means by it.
I’m new here so I’ll give a little background first. My SO and I are approaching our 5<sup>th</sup> anniversary. The first two years we were really long distance and I lived an hour away up until our 3<sup>rd</sup> anniversary when we moved in together. He started making statements about marrying me a lil bit before we moved in and has continued over the last 2 years. First semi-serious talk was him saying he wanted to marry me, but didn’t feel financially secure to do it. That was fine because I was still in school. We did have an actually serious talk last October where we talked about “when, how, what type of dress he wants me in, where, etc” we wanted to get married. A “when” wasn’t exactly figured out, but he said he wanted to propose to me and I told him that I would say yes. Every time we go into Helzberg he looks at men’s wedding bands and has tried them on. I tried on rings in Feb when he bought my earrings for my bday. I never bring up when he will propose or anything because I don’t want him to think I’m pressuring so I was surprised when he asked the woman to let me try on rings. He even revealed that he had a budget already set and was going to pay cash when it was time.
His best friend has told me since last summer that my SO has talked to him about marriage, proposing, and how he really wants to. Sadly, my best friend got engaged last summer and my SO thinks that proposing to me would steal the thunder away from her.
So yay waiting game, which as much as it sucks, I know has to happen. He’s working on building his savings up again. At the same time I don’t whether to take it as him hinting or him figuring not to bother with it or what.
Post # 2
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
Aly7489: Guys are pretty dumb when it comes to reationships. When you are both having a good day you need to bring up these conversations and tell him why they bother you. What he might think is a cute way to say he loves you, is confusing the matter of when and if ever he will actually propose and marry you.
Post # 3
Yeah. Bless his heart. The poor thing thought he had to buy me an engagement ring and then a bridal set when we got married. No dear. It just throws me off because I don’t know whether to get my hopes up or if now he thinks “well why bother?” He does it in a cute manner, so you may be right. Thank you
Post # 4
Honestly, it sounds like just a matter of time which I know is hard but it really sounds like he’s going to propose soon. Just make sure you reinterate how important marriage is to you so he doesn’t wait too long! I hope he proposes soon 🙂
Post # 5
I would just talk to him. Ask him how he feels and you tell hi how you feel.
Post # 6
That is pretty annoying. My SO has said similar things about how he thinks of me as his (future) wife. Whenever he says something like that I remind him that he hasn’t asked me yet (usually in an equally cutesy way).
I know that he’s going to ask me someday (and probably fairly soon)- so I try not to worry about it.
Post # 7
Aly7489: My DH said the same thing. but its like we are already married. i didnt think it was that cute. i mean it is but it made me afraid that he felt he didnt need to get married since we “already” were. but he did eventually propose. i did make it clear, not in a mean way, that we wornt married. he asked at year 6.5 , he waited because his brother was getting married…. twice to the same woman that year. and he didnt want to steal his thunder haha. so your SO doesnt sound much different. waiting sucks but it sounds like you two are getting there and he has a clear picture of what you are expecting out of the relationship. 😉 good luck and god speed hehe. i was going nuts by the time he asked me…. and then i felt so dumb for loosing my head so much.
Post # 8
The thunder-stealing thing is stupid. Obviously your best friend would be thrilled for you if you got engaged! She got engaged LAST summer? How long does she get? A year? 2 years? Sounds like a stalling tactic on the part of your SO.
If he told me he felt like I was already his wife, I’d say “great! Let’s make if official so the federal government will think so too! When should we do it?”
Post # 9
Thanks ladies. You guys are really helpful. Glad I joined here.
I usually giggle or say (in a cute way) “when did we get married?” or “did we get married and I not know about it?” and he’ll chuckle. One time while talking to his friend he said that he didn’t care if I went and changed my name to his right now and I replied with “No, there needs to be a proper marriage liscense first”.
I have been thinking about bringing up the “when” thing again recently since it’s been a while since the last time.
My best friend had literally just got engaged when his best friend told me that so I could understand. We have had that talk and both tried on rings since then so I know it isn’t completely off the table. We have been discussing engagement rings a fair amount recently. Her wedding is coming up at the end of August and I’m a bridesmaid in it. He’s unfortunately watching me have to do so much for her (and deal with her awakening Bridezilla) and was really happy when I told him that I want a simple backyard wedding or even eloping and throwing a party later after a frustrating day lol.
Post # 10
Aly7489: I think its natural for a guy who is thinking about proposing but is also rather timid about it (after all it is a really big deal). My So confessed that he sometimes “Tries on the words, fiancee and wife” when discussing me to see how it feels/ get used to it. He used to joke about how he’d propse or how I should just propose to him. That all started over a year ago and I know there is no proposal in sight. It’s annoying and yet endearing which just adds to the hardship and confusion for us. Just tell him it makes you uncomfortable. He should understand that.
Post # 11
Yeah. My SO’s best friend always calls me his “wifey” and etc and he never corrects him. His friend did tell me that the two of them (since the friend is already married) have talked about it a lot and that my SO wants to propose but has to sort out things.
Post # 12
- Wedding: December 2014 - Norton Country Club
I’d use those playful cues to open a real dialogue. “I already think of you as my wife!” from him leads to a, “Sweetie, I’m so glad you said that. Hearing you talk about marriage is really great because that is something I want for us. When could you see us making that official?” If he plays it down to, “Well go ahead and change your name.”- then you need to explain to him how important it is to you. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be married to this man, given that you both seem to want that eventually… it sounds like he might just be looking for some concrete clues that it is what you want too.