Post # 1
I already know I am going to get flamed for this. That is OK, i should. I am a horrible person! I have never said any of this outloud before (except maybe to SO), and it really is just me being a hater/judgemental person. I just need to get this off my chest! My cousin is my BFF. We aren’t as close as we use to be, but still very close. When I was younger (about 5 years ago) I had this horrible dream. I can only remember bits and pieces, but i remember the feeling from it. I woke up crying and couldn’t shake that feeling for a while. We were sitting in our room and she is getting ready for her wedding. Plain white dress and some of our family members are helping her. My dad comes in to say that after we will go out for dinner at dennys to celebrate and i just snap. I start yelling at her telling her “NO! You can’t do this. This is not what you wanted!” etc. We had talked about wedding details our whole lives and small and simple was far from what she wanted. We never fight so maybe that is why the dream had such a weird feeling attached to it. She got married and shortly i started to think about this dream. It came true…in a way. She discovered she was pregnant and he asked her dad to marry her (in front of her so that was her proposal – NOT how she wanted it at all. He didn’t ask her, no ring etc). They went from lets get married in vegas next month to hey we are going to the court house on monday. That is fine, lots of people do. But i wasn’t even invited. He wanted it parents only, so ok fine but then other people ended up crashing the wedding anyways and they all went out to a restaurant after (like in my dream!) I was super upset that i was not there for my best friends wedding. Their plan was to have a vegas wedding after a year (didnt happen). So she never considered this her actual wedding. When we shopped for a wedding outfit she ended up getting a white shirt, pair of jeans and a belly button ring. I realized this wasn’t MY wedding, but since she always pointed out dresses she wanted to wear at her wedding etc. I didn’t think that is what she would have chosen. And i feel like she has been settling ever since. She will message me wedding stuff all the time and admit she is sad she didnt do this or that. And we have talked about a vow renewal where she can do all these things… but it isn’t just the wedding. I feel like she settles a lot with her hubby as well. And maybe that is why i can’t let all this go. I mean i don’t sit here daily and brew over it, but it bugs me from time to time. I know what she wants out of a relationship and I know that he doesn’t give it to her. Not just from what i have witnessed, but also what she tells me. He isn’t a bad guy…just not for her. He doesn’t have a romantic bone in his body, very sarcastic, anti-social. Also never wanted kids so he isn’t exactly overly affectionate with their son. She has cheated on him multiple times. She has told me they consider divorce (when drunk). but then tells me they are still hoping for a 5 year vow renewal ceremony so I think she is confused. Recently he found out a coworker kissed her and surprisngly they have been pretty good since then… because they agreed she would have sex with him more and get her nipple pierced, and not drink as much – yes, i am serious. That was their solution. He took her out on Valentines day and bought her a MK purse so i see he is making efforts and she seems to be happy with them. I know i am a mean, judgemental person and none of this is any of my business. It is her own life, I guess i have always been the “big sister” so its hard for me to see her go through all of this. But at the same time.. I am such a hater and i don’t know why! Why can’t i just be happy for her? And not concern myself with their relationship. She is a big girl and can make her own decisions. I am sure a lot of what i wrote i could have left out…i am basically rambling to myself at this point lol. Not gonna lie…i feel a little better haha. thanks for letting me vent!
This topic was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by CA_bee.
Post # 2
wow do we have the same cousin? LOL
It does suck to stand by and watch someone make mistakes (or in your opinion anyways), but at some point you have to just not care. Which sounds weird..it doesn’t mean that you don’t care about them, it just means that they live their own life and if it doesn’t affect you directly, then don’t concern yourself with it.
Post # 3
CA_bee: I don’t think your post is deserving of flames– it’s very apparent that you deeply care for you cousin, and there is nothing wrong in wishing her life had more closely followed the path she had always envisioned. It sounds like she wound up with the wrong guy, and the cheating is a manifestation of all of that.
Just continue supporting her emotionally, and when she confides in you about her matrimonial woes (and it sounds to me as if they aren’t completely resolved), tell her she still deserves the wedding she envisioned, but with a man more closely suited to her. Their lack of compatibility does not make him a bad guy, nor does it make your cousin a bad woman (well, the cheating doesn’t help), it just means they should look elsewhere if the differences are extreme, or get some counseling to mitigate the bumps in the road.
Does your cousin know how you feel?
Post # 4
Why can’t you just be happy for her? Well…because she’s not happy. (Or at least that’s what it sounds like from what you’ve described.)
It’s sad that she’s in an unsatisfying relationship. She’ll probably choose to leave it eventually. I think all you can do for her now is just be there to support her and be a friend.
Post # 5
We definitely have the same cousin!
if you’re anything like me though you’ll eventually realize they do it to themselves. Everybody has a choice and if her choice was to settle and she sticks by it, then unfortunately there’s nothing you can do. 🙁
just make sure you’ve at least told her how you feel one time and make sure you are loving about it and she knows that it is coming from a good place.
After I did this and she still chose to settle, I feel like I had done my part and now all that’s left to do is see where the cards fall.
Post # 6
I suspect you can’t be happy for her because she is not happy herself… and there’s not much you can do about that other than be there for her and give her advice when she asks for it. Sucks, I know, but there it is.
Post # 7
You may be being too hard on yourself. Sometimes we feel bad for not staying out of peoples’ lives but sometimes the people we love need help or need to be told like it is. You are allowed to be worried but you won’t be able to help her. I have had a few situations like this with friends etc and the more you try to help, the worse it is on your relationship. All you can do is stay out of it. Unless she asks for your opinion, do not get involved. Hope you feel better soon. Maybe one day she will realize this is not the relationship she should be in.
Post # 8
You’re not a horrible person! If you were saying that you were constantly bashing he husband or life choices, that would be another story. But it sounds like you’re sad that your cousin hasn’t gotten the life that you dreamed for her. And that’s okay. But you’re right – it’s her life. And she may not have gotten all she wanted from her wedding or her life, but that’s often how life goes. All you can do is be a supportive friend. Let yourself be sad that she isn’t getting all you think she should. Then move on and help her enjoy the life that she does have.
Post # 9
You are definitely not a horrible judgemental person at all, you care about your cousin and want her to be happy. You can’t be happy for her because she’s not happy (or it doesn’t seem so anyway). You want the best for her and you want to protect her from hurt and see her get what she deserves (or you think she deserves – she may think she deserves it too, but not have the self confidence to see it).
I think the best you can do is just stand by her and be there for her. Maybe talk to her about it and tell her how you feel, but do it in a very non-judgemental/accusatory way. Maybe it would give her a wakeup call if she really IS unhappy (and the cheating? Not cool). Idk. *hug* I’m sorry you’re going through that. I have friends I’ve seen do the same thing and I am just there for them when the world crashes down. OR they just keep going further and further off the beaten path and I eventually can’t talk to them anymore. Either way, it sucks.
Post # 10
StuporDuck: cbgg: Benjeweler: Rachel631: CarterLove: JenGirl: icanhearyousmile: leisha606:
wow thanks guys. You are all really nice. What you are saying does make sense, I guess i just had a weird feeling about it, but didn’t know what it was exactly. I suppose the part that makes me judgemental is that i go home and tell SO about it with a sort of “i knew it” kind of attitude. I would never say anything along the lines of “i told you so” to her. But now that you guys have brought up, I don’t think i have ever actually told her how i feel. I have always tried to be supportive of her decisions and go along with them without putting in my whole two cents in.
I had my chance several times and never took it. If anything else happens with them or she feels down in the dumps about their relationship and starts venting, i suppose i should put my politeness to the side and just say whats on my mind. Not in a mean way, but say yes … I don’t think you should have married him. I don’t think you guys give eachother what you need and its OK to change your mind. I also think you need to grow up and start taking some accountability for the way that your life has turned out. You’re young! There is still so much time to do the things you want/need. But honestly, i see her agreeing with me and the next day acting like all is fine. The only way i think they will break up is eventually she is going to mess around with someone who will ask her to leave him. Maybe in 5 years, maybe in 10 years, but that is what I see happening :/
Post # 11
CA_bee: I would. Just do it in a nice way. Or maybe not, lol, I’ve definitely given some harsh criticism to some of my best friends (like my friend who is dating a married woman and hanging out with her children behind her husband’s back. Who does that? Ugh), and I’ve managed to slap a few into reality. On the other hand, my bestie is the kind of person who I will give tough love and say something, in say…December, and she’ll be like, “No everything is fine” and then 3-4 months later be like, “So I need to do X” (and X is what I said back in DECEMBER), and she thinks it’s totally her idea. xD She’s slow but she gets there. Your cousin probably will too.
Post # 12
CA_bee: You know, I don’t see a too-frank convo going well. She’s probably still in denial on some level. Also, people in awful relationships always remember that convo you had with them about how **** their relationship is… and they often blame you! Just my experience.
I think you can subtly steer the conversation to get your point across gently, but this is a conclusion she has to come to by herself, however frustrating it is for you. I know it’s frustrating to watch people have train wreck lives, but you can’t live their lives for them… sometimes I wish I could do, in fact!