I am a horrible/judgmental person! This shouldn't bug me…

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
2116 posts
Buzzing bee

wow do we have the same cousin? LOL 

It does suck to stand by and watch someone make mistakes (or in your opinion anyways), but at some point you have to just not care. Which sounds weird..it doesn’t mean that you don’t care about them, it just means that they live their own life and if it doesn’t affect you directly, then don’t concern yourself with it. 

Post # 3
Member
4338 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 1992

CA_bee:  I don’t think your post is deserving of flames– it’s very apparent that you deeply care for you cousin, and there is nothing wrong in wishing her life had more closely followed the path she had always envisioned. It sounds like she wound up with the wrong guy, and the cheating is a manifestation of all of that. 

Just continue supporting her emotionally, and when she confides in you about her matrimonial woes (and it sounds to me as if they aren’t completely resolved), tell her she still deserves the wedding she envisioned, but with a man more closely suited to her. Their lack of compatibility does not make him a bad guy, nor does it make your cousin a bad woman (well, the cheating doesn’t help), it just means they should look elsewhere if the differences are extreme, or get some counseling to mitigate the bumps in the road. 

Does your cousin know how you feel? 

Post # 4
Member
5199 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

Why can’t you just be happy for her?  Well…because she’s not happy.  (Or at least that’s what it sounds like from what you’ve described.)

It’s sad that she’s in an unsatisfying relationship.  She’ll probably choose to leave it eventually.  I think all you can do for her now is just be there to support her and be a friend.  

Post # 5
Member
46 posts
Newbee

We definitely have the same cousin!

if you’re anything like me though you’ll eventually realize they do it to themselves. Everybody has a choice and if her choice was to settle and she sticks by it, then unfortunately there’s nothing you can do. 🙁 

just make sure you’ve at least told her how you feel one time and make sure you are loving about it and she knows that it is coming from a good place. 

After I did this and she still chose to settle, I feel like I had done my part and now all that’s left to do is see where the cards fall. 

Post # 6
Member
7664 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

I suspect you can’t be happy for her because she is not happy herself… and there’s not much you can do about that other than be there for her and give her advice when she asks for it. Sucks, I know, but there it is.

Post # 7
Member
1259 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

You may be being too hard on yourself. Sometimes we feel bad for not staying out of peoples’ lives but sometimes the people we love need help or need to be told like it is. You are allowed to be worried but you won’t be able to help her. I have had a few situations like this with friends etc and the more you try to help, the worse it is on your relationship. All you can do is stay out of it. Unless she asks for your opinion, do not get involved. Hope you feel better soon. Maybe one day she will realize this is not the relationship she should be in.

 

Post # 8
Member
9533 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

You’re not a horrible person! If you were saying that you were constantly bashing he husband or life choices, that would be another story. But it sounds like you’re sad that your cousin hasn’t gotten the life that you dreamed for her. And that’s okay. But you’re right – it’s her life. And she may not have gotten all she wanted from her wedding or her life, but that’s often how life goes. All you can do is be a supportive friend. Let yourself be sad that she isn’t getting all you think she should. Then move on and help her enjoy the life that she does have.

Post # 9
Member
1626 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

You are definitely not a horrible judgemental person at all, you care about your cousin and want her to be happy. You can’t be happy for her because she’s not happy (or it doesn’t seem so anyway). You want the best for her and you want to protect her from hurt and see her get what she deserves (or you think she deserves – she may think she deserves it too, but not have the self confidence to see it). 

I think the best you can do is just stand by her and be there for her. Maybe talk to her about it and tell her how you feel, but do it in a very non-judgemental/accusatory way. Maybe it would give her a wakeup call if she really IS unhappy (and the cheating? Not cool). Idk. *hug* I’m sorry you’re going through that. I have friends I’ve seen do the same thing and I am just there for them when the world crashes down. OR they just keep going further and further off the beaten path and I eventually can’t talk to them anymore. Either way, it sucks. 

Post # 11
Member
1626 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

CA_bee:  I would. Just do it in a nice way. Or maybe not, lol, I’ve definitely given some harsh criticism to some of my best friends (like my friend who is dating a married woman and hanging out with her children behind her husband’s back. Who does that? Ugh), and I’ve managed to slap a few into reality. On the other hand, my bestie is the kind of person who I will give tough love and say something, in say…December, and she’ll be like, “No everything is fine” and then 3-4 months later be like, “So I need to do X” (and X is what I said back in DECEMBER), and she thinks it’s totally her idea. xD She’s slow but she gets there. Your cousin probably will too.

Post # 12
Member
7664 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

CA_bee:  You know, I don’t see a too-frank convo going well. She’s probably still in denial on some level. Also, people in awful relationships always remember that convo you had with them about how **** their relationship is… and they often blame you! Just my experience.

I think you can subtly steer the conversation to get your point across gently, but this is a conclusion she has to come to by herself, however frustrating it is for you. I know it’s frustrating to watch people have train wreck lives, but you can’t live their lives for them… sometimes I wish I could do, in fact!

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