(Closed) i am becoming resentful…

posted 8 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 3
13390 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2009 - Barr Mansion

First of all, I don’t think once a week is that bad.  You guys have been together for awhile, so it’s no secret that things will tend to slow down in that department.

If you feel that it’s something you need to talk about with him, I think it’s very important not to put pressure on him or make him feel inadequate.  Approach it more as something that you guys can work on together–not b/c there’s a problem, but because it would be something fun to work on together.  I think it’s important that you guys can talk about sex honestly without making the other person feel like it’s their fault.  Does that make any sense?

Post # 4
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Yeah we’re on the less than once a week schedule! But, it’s definitely something you can talk about with him. He’s maybe feeling defensive–maybe there are other issues going on? That could be why he doesn’t want to talk about it very much.

I don’t really know how to have this conversation w/o being blunt as hell–but there are some sex therapy type websites out there that can give you some insight into his psyche as a guy and how to approach the situation with him.

Post # 7
7082 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2009

If you are going to approach it to him, I think a great way would be to couch it in terms of self-improvement on your part.  It might take the pressure off of him and get him invested in “helping” you.

Post # 8
4765 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2011 - Vintage Villas

I definitely think that you guys should talk about it, but it shouldn’t be all about him. Maybe if you admit that you feel like YOU haven’t been initiating sex as much lately and you’d like to fix it, then he will admit that he has been lacking in this department too.

I think that it’s SUPER important to be very open and honest with your Fiance about these sorts of things, because it can turn into a much bigger problem if you don’t talk about it! Just make sure that you’re not accusing him of doing anything wrong – tell him it’s something you want to work on together, and I’m sure he’d be much more open to talking about it!

Post # 9
5984 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

Instead of bringing it up in discussion could you just put on something cute and jump him in the living room?  I’d guess that you’ve tried that?

Post # 10
1104 posts
Bumble bee

You say when you do have sex, it’s amazing – so I’d start from that angle, which hopefully will help avoid the defensive side of things (although let’s be honest – it’s very hard to talk about these things *without* taking it personally, no matter how much the other person tries to be nice about it!) As in “Honey I *love* making love with you, every time we do I think it’s amazing, which is extra amazing after 5 years together, the only thing I would change is more of it, because it’s so great. What do you think?” and take it from there. Good luck – these conversations are never easy but in my experience they are definitely worth having 🙂

Post # 11
1570 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 1996

When you have the talk with him, it might be a good idea to suggest a regular “sex date” every week. This was recommended both in our marriage prep class as well as in other sources I’ve seen. It gets hard to remember, in our busy lives, to have sex as often after you’re married and things get in the way, so though it may sound unromantic, it can actually be very fun and exciting to have a standing date to have sex every Thursday night or something. That takes away the awkwardness of both of you wanting the other one to initiate, since you’ll both be anticipating it.

Post # 12
175 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

I would sleep in the nude every night! I can’t wait to be married I know that this will not be one of our problems because we both love to sleep naked! Also a lot of light touching… it doesn’t have to be sexual all the time, but I just love the way my Fiance is always touching me. ex. my hair, my legs while we are watching tv, my back and waist when I walk by him. Kissing is also good and if you start this early in the day, by the time bedtime hits, you both are remembering all the connection that you’ve made throughout the day. If you only see each other on the weekend or only have quality time on the weekend, then leave notes, use txt, or leave short messages ex. I love u, thinking about u. Stay connect mentally at all cost! Oh! and don’t forget to take them clothes off when you go to bed!!!

Post # 13
221 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I am in the same boat as you exactly! Except, I have talked to my Fiance about it a couple of times and it still never seems to get better. I know its me as well, and I know he has a very stressful job and is also in school full time and hopefully it will get better when he is done (in 1.5 years ack) but it still is kind of a crappy situation and awkward as well.

I guess, too, once I started reading WeddingBee and so many people are like “we have sex every day!” and such, I feel like there is something missing in my relationship even though I KNOW there isn’t, we’re just different. The rest of our relationship is great, and sex when we have it is fantastic, so its just something we have to work on.

So anyways, last week I implemented a rule. Wink Neither of us can get into bed with clothes on. And let me tell you – its a lot harder to say no when you’re already touching warm body-to-warm body and you’re already naked so all you’ve got to do is…get it on!

Post # 14
3252 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I second everything that everybody else said…great advice ladies!! I like mountainbride’s approach to the conversation. I think these ladies have given you a pretty solid start. Good luck! I hope everything works out.

Post # 15
223 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

I am so glad to know that I am not the only one in this boat!  So I know where you are coming from.  I was starting to have the same feelings.  This is the only problem that Fiance & I have.  We have talked about it alot!  I know that he works a ton & that he is really tired when he gets home, but I am missing the closeness & the intimacy that we used to have.  It is not like we aren’t close, but you know what I mean….  I have told him a little touching, kissing & just having a little foreplay would be nice when he is too tired.   So we have agreed to start with that.  If it goes further then EXCELLENT for us, but if not, we are still having the intimacy that we need for a healthy relationship.  I know it would be hard for me to stop, but I am willing to do whatever I need to for us.  Maybe this is something you could try.  It is very hard to bring up this conversation, but if it keeps you from becoming resentful, it is all worth it.  Good luck!

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