Post # 1
So Mr. Frosting and I have been together for five years… we have gone through more ups and downs than any other couple I know, but for us it has only made our bond stronger. We are presently in a much better place than we have been in a long time, but we are lagging in the sexual department.
This is where it gets to be Too Much Information…
We have sex maybe once a week, if that? He very rarely initiates sex with me, and oral sex has become a once-every-few-months “treat”. I am past trying because the last time we went through issues like this, he got frustrated when I would push the issue. I don’t know how to approach it correctly because I have a habit of becoming resentful and letting my emotions get the best of me.
When we do have sex, it’s amazing. I just don’t know how to go about bringing it up in a constructive way. Any help fellow bees?
Post # 3
- Wedding: September 2009 - Barr Mansion
First of all, I don’t think once a week is that bad. You guys have been together for awhile, so it’s no secret that things will tend to slow down in that department.
If you feel that it’s something you need to talk about with him, I think it’s very important not to put pressure on him or make him feel inadequate. Approach it more as something that you guys can work on together–not b/c there’s a problem, but because it would be something fun to work on together. I think it’s important that you guys can talk about sex honestly without making the other person feel like it’s their fault. Does that make any sense?
Post # 4
Yeah we’re on the less than once a week schedule! But, it’s definitely something you can talk about with him. He’s maybe feeling defensive–maybe there are other issues going on? That could be why he doesn’t want to talk about it very much.
I don’t really know how to have this conversation w/o being blunt as hell–but there are some sex therapy type websites out there that can give you some insight into his psyche as a guy and how to approach the situation with him.
Post # 5
That does make sense… I am just trying to figure out how to talk to him about it so that he doesn’t feel inadequate.
Post # 6
and it isn’t all him either… I am lagging in the intimacy department as well. i have to work on myself to get myself out of the funk i’m in too, i guess… maybe working on me will help with him?
Post # 7
If you are going to approach it to him, I think a great way would be to couch it in terms of self-improvement on your part. It might take the pressure off of him and get him invested in “helping” you.
Post # 8
- Wedding: January 2011 - Vintage Villas
I definitely think that you guys should talk about it, but it shouldn’t be all about him. Maybe if you admit that you feel like YOU haven’t been initiating sex as much lately and you’d like to fix it, then he will admit that he has been lacking in this department too.
I think that it’s SUPER important to be very open and honest with your Fiance about these sorts of things, because it can turn into a much bigger problem if you don’t talk about it! Just make sure that you’re not accusing him of doing anything wrong – tell him it’s something you want to work on together, and I’m sure he’d be much more open to talking about it!
Post # 9
Instead of bringing it up in discussion could you just put on something cute and jump him in the living room? I’d guess that you’ve tried that?
Post # 10
You say when you do have sex, it’s amazing – so I’d start from that angle, which hopefully will help avoid the defensive side of things (although let’s be honest – it’s very hard to talk about these things *without* taking it personally, no matter how much the other person tries to be nice about it!) As in “Honey I *love* making love with you, every time we do I think it’s amazing, which is extra amazing after 5 years together, the only thing I would change is more of it, because it’s so great. What do you think?” and take it from there. Good luck – these conversations are never easy but in my experience they are definitely worth having 🙂
Post # 11
When you have the talk with him, it might be a good idea to suggest a regular “sex date” every week. This was recommended both in our marriage prep class as well as in other sources I’ve seen. It gets hard to remember, in our busy lives, to have sex as often after you’re married and things get in the way, so though it may sound unromantic, it can actually be very fun and exciting to have a standing date to have sex every Thursday night or something. That takes away the awkwardness of both of you wanting the other one to initiate, since you’ll both be anticipating it.
Post # 12
I would sleep in the nude every night! I can’t wait to be married I know that this will not be one of our problems because we both love to sleep naked! Also a lot of light touching… it doesn’t have to be sexual all the time, but I just love the way my Fiance is always touching me. ex. my hair, my legs while we are watching tv, my back and waist when I walk by him. Kissing is also good and if you start this early in the day, by the time bedtime hits, you both are remembering all the connection that you’ve made throughout the day. If you only see each other on the weekend or only have quality time on the weekend, then leave notes, use txt, or leave short messages ex. I love u, thinking about u. Stay connect mentally at all cost! Oh! and don’t forget to take them clothes off when you go to bed!!!
Post # 13
I am in the same boat as you exactly! Except, I have talked to my Fiance about it a couple of times and it still never seems to get better. I know its me as well, and I know he has a very stressful job and is also in school full time and hopefully it will get better when he is done (in 1.5 years ack) but it still is kind of a crappy situation and awkward as well.
I guess, too, once I started reading WeddingBee and so many people are like “we have sex every day!” and such, I feel like there is something missing in my relationship even though I KNOW there isn’t, we’re just different. The rest of our relationship is great, and sex when we have it is fantastic, so its just something we have to work on.
So anyways, last week I implemented a rule. Neither of us can get into bed with clothes on. And let me tell you – its a lot harder to say no when you’re already touching warm body-to-warm body and you’re already naked so all you’ve got to do is…get it on!
Post # 14
I second everything that everybody else said…great advice ladies!! I like mountainbride’s approach to the conversation. I think these ladies have given you a pretty solid start. Good luck! I hope everything works out.
Post # 15
I am so glad to know that I am not the only one in this boat! So I know where you are coming from. I was starting to have the same feelings. This is the only problem that Fiance & I have. We have talked about it alot! I know that he works a ton & that he is really tired when he gets home, but I am missing the closeness & the intimacy that we used to have. It is not like we aren’t close, but you know what I mean…. I have told him a little touching, kissing & just having a little foreplay would be nice when he is too tired. So we have agreed to start with that. If it goes further then EXCELLENT for us, but if not, we are still having the intimacy that we need for a healthy relationship. I know it would be hard for me to stop, but I am willing to do whatever I need to for us. Maybe this is something you could try. It is very hard to bring up this conversation, but if it keeps you from becoming resentful, it is all worth it. Good luck!
Post # 16
Thanks ladies! It’s nice to know that I’m not the only one in this situation. I’m going to really start heeding this advice because last night we both went to bed angry, which is never good. He is mad that I don’t want to have sex and I am mad because his approach has been lazy at best. Everyone had great things to offer! I especially like the going to bed nude! Think I might test the waters with that tonight.