Post # 1
So I have been w/ my FI for a lil over 12 years now and in January we decided to get married and he proposed….OF course I called everyone I knew in my family to deliver the news (which includes my paternal grandparents and my god mother -who is also my Aunt). Shortly thereafter, I booked the venue and church and set the date which of course I also told everyone……LONG story short my Aunt’s son (my cousin) announces his engagement (sometime in March). His mom (my Aunt) and grandma goes over to my cousin’s future bride’s home to discuss wedding dates….AND they decided to get married the week before mine.
OF COURSE when I got wind of the date…I placed a call to my cousin to first congratulate him and then asked him whether “anyone” had told him that he was getting married a week before me….OF course he said NO and I believe him….until I found out that my grandma and aunt was there when they discussed wedding planning…..
NEEDLESS to say I was very hurt and upset….I reached out to my cousin and told him the circumstances…at this point they haven’t even booked the church or venue yet….they were just planning an engagement party…LONG STORY short I was able to convince him to move the wedding date (the wedding is in Sacramento where my whole family lives and FI and I live in Orange County). I had plans to have my Bridal Shower / Bacchelorette and Bday party the weekend b4 my wedding only b/c it was convenient for me (since I’m flying back n forth) They understood and moved it a month after mind….BEAR in mind its 2 weddings in the immediate family…which was going to be hectic for the family since our family (extended included) is involved in all the weddings…
OF course I wasn’t satisfied w/ moving it only a month away but I held my tongue and just accepted it….MY reasoning is MOST if not ALL of his wedding guests will also be my wedding guest (most of the guest live in Sacramento but some will be from Canada) BUT ALL of my mother’s family will be flying in from Europe and my FH’s family flying in from all over the States …AND with our wedding just barely 3 weeks apart…….ITS impossible for my DAD’s/his MOM’s side of the family to attend both weddings b/c it will be expensive…AND essentially we are forcing the out of town family to decide who’s wedding they will go to…..IT WILL BE split up…
In any event…maybe 3 months later…I heard from another person in the family that my cousin decided to move the wedding date AGAIN…from what I understand it will either be the weekend before/after my wedding…HAVEN’t yet confirmed as he hasn’t returned my call even though I reached out to him to coordinate…
HERES the problem…its very difficult to plan a wedding not knowing what their plans are…IF they have it the weekend b4 my wedding should I go forward with my plans of having my bridal and bacchelorette party that same weekend?
IF he plans on having his wedding the week after my wedding should FH and I postpone our honeymoon so that we can attend theirs?
Either way…a back to back wedding (even if HE thinks its convenient for family who are flying in to attend the wedding) IS inconvenient for me and I”M sure for him…
What do you guys think am I being too selfish?
Post # 3
It sounds like your heart’s in the right place, you just want it to be as convenient as possible for everyone involved. So, no, you aren’t being selfish. However, your cousin is probably also doing what he thinks is most convenient for people. He knows the issue, I would just let it go.
If his wedding is the week before yours, definitely don’t have your bridal shower that weekend! Maybe put it on the Friday before the wedding so that everyone’s in town?
Post # 4
You just need to keep with the plan you have. Other people understand that some people won’t be able to attend a wedding for one reason or another. I know it will be hard if some of the realtives you really want there won’t be able to be, but you can’t change your date and you can’t make someone else change theirs.
You should not postpone your honeymoon unless you feel it is that important to be there, I wouldn’t.
Post # 5
I think as long as you keep in mind it’s tough for him too (getting engaged first doesn’t really entitle you to direct when he can get married, I think). I think if you work with him to determine what will be best with everyone (week after, month after, whenever), then just work within those confines. I agree as others have said, don’t have the shower during his wedding, but maybe the friday before when others will be in town.
I think if you approach this problem as “you and the cousin are a team” instead of “you against the cousin” it will be easier, since you are family.. it’s your wedding and do what’s best for you, but try to let go a little bit of what the cousin’s plans are.
Post # 6
That is really tough. I would go a head and plan things. It may in the end be easier for people travelling that they will stay out for a week and then fly home instead of paying for the trip twice.
Focus on your wedding and everything will work itself out once you get closer to the date adn they make offical plans.
Post # 7
I think you need to just go with what you are planning. You can’t keep trying to plan your wedding around someone else’s wedding. He knows the date of your wedding, and it’s unfortunate if he does it the week before or after yours, but family will be in town. I don’t think you should be planning your own shower/bachelorette – leave that up to your bridal party! They’ll make sure it’s special for you and you wn’t have to stress about it being around your cousin’s wedding.
Post # 8
Assuming both of you are planning on having it in the Bay Area, I think that it wil be much easier for traveling family members to attend two weddings that are a week apart as opposed to two weddings that are a month apart, especially for those traveling very far (like from Europe). The travelers wil probably be able to (and probably even want to) take a week off and therefore attend both events, whereas it’s very unlikely that they could stay for an entire month.
I totally agree with Miss Boston – you and your cousin should work together on this to make it easier for each other and your family. He also sounds like he’s trying to work around you and the family, and if you make it clear that you want to work together as a team, it should be fine.
Post # 9
Honestly, yes – I think you are being selfish.
You get one day for your wedding so as long as he isn’t trying to plan his wedding on the same DAY as yours, you have no right to be upset, IMO.
Honestly, I think his plan of having it the week before or the week after yours is the BEST option possible considering the situation you described. Guests flying from across the country or from Europe could pretty easily attend both weddings if they are a week apart (just stay in town for the week in between). But they likely won’t be able to fly in twice so spreading them out by a month (or even 2-3) prevents those guests from being able to be there for both of you.
Post # 10
YES I know I was being a tad bit selfish b/c I definately dO NOT have the right to tell him to consider changing the date and so after the initial 1st call I made to him, I called him back to apologize….that was why they changed their proposed wedding date…And IT is important that I be there for him on his wedding day…
It just kinda sucks b/c I have only 2 weeks vacation next year (which I plan on flying home a week before my wedding and 1 week for my honeymoon) and maybe I can get away with taking an extra few days off but thats it….my bridal party (also members of the family who all live in Sacramento) planned everything around my schedule since my time to take off is limited….
I’m ok with him having the wedding close to mine…as it will be convenient for my DAD/his mom’s side of the family….And plus I”M totally over it…I just kinda wish he could return the courtesy by at least letting me know what they’ve decided…as they are being just secretive about their actual wedding date.
Oh and the guest from Europe is from my mom side and are not my cousin’s guest…The only guest we share will be friends and family from Canada and Sacramento.
Thanks for your response…and Thank you for allowing me to VENT….
Post # 11
Where is each wedding being held? (It’s not too clear in the OP)
I think that’s going to be the biggest factor, if they are both in the same city, then I think it would be easier to have them close together, so all the family can attend. If they are say on oppsite sides of the country or state then some time between each would making is easier on those who have to travel.
Post # 12
If I am reading right you have a lot of family coming in from europe and canada, then maybe the two couples might want to think about coordinating weddings. It’s a lot to place on travelers from out of the country to travel to the states multiple times in several weeks or even months. You might even get more out of the experience to compromise on some things. Maybe you could have you party stuff the wed. after her wedding or vise versa.
A lot of my family is coming to the midwest from both coasts. My cousin called and asked if I would mind if she got married the Wed. before my wedding (they are gay and can’t get married in CA, but they can in IA). I am so excited to share that with her. This may be the last time our whole family will be together, and I want to make all the memories I can with them. If that includes sharing a little of the spotlight, totally worth it in the long run.
Post # 13
Its sounds to me that you werent exactly clear to your cousin, that you only expressed your desire to have your bachelorette party and bridal shower that weekend (which I think could easily be moved if you have to travel either way) but you left out the fact that it gives the extended family no time between weddings and they may have to choose. Is it possible they were thinking that if the family is coming in from europe that having the weddings a week apart would eliminate people from having to choose they could stay the week for both since its a long trip to make for a weekend anyways?? I didnt vote because I while I dont think your being selfish, i think youre worrying too much about everyone else. You set your date and your venue, you cant control everyone else. Move forward with your wedding plans and deal with the bachelorette party and bridal shower at another time. Infact you shouldnt be dealing with them at all… let whomever is planning them deal with it.
Post # 14
Maybe some clarifications are in order….my apologies if the OP wasn’t clear……
– my bridal party planned the shower/baccherlorette/bday party for me WAY before I even knew my cousin announced their engagement….SO yeah I would be selfish if I want them to move the date just b/c of that…hahahhaha. IN fact my MOH (also another cousin) and my bridesmaids (also cousins) have said they will still plan the events the weekend b4 my wedding b/c they can’t just hold off / cancel what they have already planned for me…and especially b/c my cousin has been cryptic about his wedding date…even until now….his mom doesn’t know either or at least that what she says….MY MOH has tried asking him already so that she can coordinate…still no answer…SO we’ve dropped the issue a long time ago….
– Family from Europe and out of staters are my guests not my cousins guest…all of his guest are local and a few familiy from canada that we share…PLUS…it will be the first time I’ll be meeting my family from Europe and it has been 15+ years my mom has seen her brothers and sisters…so we will be busy tending to them…They will be in town for 2 weeks for vacation/wedding. ALL if not most of my cousin guest are local…me and FI, my mom’s side of the family, and FI’s whole family will be flying into Sacramento for the wedding…all of whom are not invited to my cousins wedding…..
– YES I do worry too much and its only b/c I’m trying my best to accomodate everyone…which I realized its just something I can’t do….
I think the best thing for me to do is to continue planning my wedding and if somehow it conflicts with what they are planning then theres nothing I can do about it…my intentions was only to prevent any future headaches and frustrations down the road.
Post # 15
If almost all of your cousin’s guests are local, then why does it matter if there are out of towners going to your wedding? None of them will have to choose between weddings, with the exception of the few Canadian family members (which should be solved if he has the wedding close to yours).
Post # 16
I would just keep your wedding as is and let your cousin worry about scheduling his to fit in. Your date has been set, everyone knows it, now you can just relax and let everyone else figure out logistics. As a fellow control-freak (not meant as an insult, I’m TOTALLY one myself) sometimes it’s hard to let go of the reigns a little, but some things you just can’t control. Someone else’s wedding planning is one of them.