- 5 years ago
- Wedding: August 2013
I’ve written this post like six times in the past couple of days, and then I just accidentally xed out of the window and it was gone, so eighth time’s a charm. BLEH. Anyway, I’m just ranting, I don’t want advice, and I’ll preface this shitstorm by saying that I have no intention of contacting him again (bolded for the TL;DR/skimming crowd).
My Fiance asked his older brother (A) to be his Best Man. I was against that from the beginning. A has changed significantly (for the worse) since his son was born in 2010. A and his wife (W–they’re both in their mid 30s) moved out of state several years ago so that she could get a teaching job, only to have her get fired after two months. She did not pursue another job after that, and A finally found a job down there. They got pregnant and had a kid and became totally different people (well, W just became more herself). A has never had a good sense of time, and it’s just gotten worse, to the point where they’re consistently 45 minutes+ late to things because they just don’t give a fuck about anyone else, even if something is planned well in advance (they were over an hour late meeting us for lunch once, after they’d pushed the time back TWICE–simply because they got up late, ~*had*~ to eat breakfast an hour and a half before they were supposed to meet us for lunch, and then didn’t bother to actually get anything ready to go…oh, and lied to us all four times we called to see where they were).
They’re incredibly disrespectful to my FILs–A lets W get away with anything, and they have such a fucked up parenting style (like they’ll yell at the kid for just being a kid, but then when he needs to be told no, they don’t say anything). W carries the kid everywhere. He is 2.5 years old! She never lets him farther from her than arm’s length, and she typically keeps him on her lap (as he’s trying to squirm away from her). I have seen W slap FI’s 82 year old grandmother’s hand away from the kid when she was trying to say goodbye to him. Future Mother-In-Law has told me a number of incidents where W has physically pushed her away from the kid when she is trying to help (like putting the kid in a cart at the store, trying to buckle him in, trying to push the cart into the store).
When they’re here, they stay with W’s parents and spend the vast majority of their time there. They will only visit my Future In-Laws if there’s something in it for them (food, money, gifts–all of which they expect and have asked for), and only for as short as they can make it. W showed up to FMIL’s house late at night (like, midnight), let herself in, shut her and the kid in the spare room, and tried to act like that “counted” as them visiting. (I should note here that W’s parents live ~5 minutes from Future Mother-In-Law and less than ten from Future Father-In-Law, as well as the fact that W was up here for three months at the beginning of the year.) They make any excuse they can to leave somewhere as early as possible (after showing up super late).
So last month, I got curious about what A was doing for FI’s bachelor party. I shot him an email on April 8th that said, “Hey, my bridesmaids are thinking about my bachelorette party and dates and whatnot, and they were wondering what you were thinking for [FI]’s as far as dates go?” He finally replied on Monday with (verbatim), “do to money and everone at work quiting i can only come for the wedding, can [other GM/their cousin] do it?” So…what’s the point of him being best man at all at this point? Had I not asked, would he have just never said anything? My Maid/Matron of Honor was appalled and offered to plan something for Fiance (but I think that we’re going to end up doing something together). I’m angry that he’s had since last February to plan for this and has nothing, despite making twice what Fiance and I make combined and having considerably less bills that we do (hi, paying for a wedding here).
I know many of you will say, “Well, it’s none of your business what they do with their money,” except that it is because them fucking up affects us and my Future In-Laws, financially and emotionally. They had enough money to take time off to fly up here for W’s college friend’s wedding, for which they also rented a car AND got a last minute hotel room in a resort town ($$$) instead of driving 45 minutes back home. They had enough money for A to fly up here after his crappy car died and pick up W’s car to drive it back home, and then take time off and drive back two weeks later to pick W and their son up to go back home. They don’t have the money to go buy a $10 Tracfone so that their parents know that they aren’t freaking dead (they rarely respond to emails and have no other way to communicate with anyone–FMIL thought for the longest time that they’d separated and that W maybe moved back here and didn’t tell anyone on A’s side, which I think she was hoping for because no one likes W anyway), or a couple thousand dollars to buy a used car. How are they going to afford to come up here for our wedding? Or the tux rental? Do they assume that Future In-Laws will pay for it?
I’ve tried to be subtle/gentle and assertive to my Fiance about this. I would really like him to tell A that it will be more comfortable for everyone for him to come as a guest. I do NOT want my Fiance upset/stressed/etc. on OUR WEDDING DAY because his brother is a giant douche. Fiance has said that he’s spoken to the aforementioned GM/cousin about stepping up as Best Man, and I really wish that he would just suck it up and make the change and tell his brother to just come as a guest (you know, nicely). This is causing me/FI/FILs WAY TOO MUCH unnecessary stress. I know this is his brother/his family/etc., but it’s my problem and affecting me, too. He bitches (well, the whole family does) about his brother’s personality 180 and all the shit he does, but no one will talk to A about it!
Argh. We have three months and some change to go and I just want this shit figured out already so that I don’t flip out at the rehearsal or the wedding. And it was nice to get this out to someone other than my Maid/Matron of Honor.