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Warning! Angry post ahead! My MIL has been on a crazy streak this week. Emailing my husband nasty emails, calling MY mother to whine about how worried she is about us. So I drafted this email that I want to send to her, but I feel like I could use a little rationality proofreading. My husband refuses to tell her to keep her nose out of our business, so I am going to have to do it, to preserve my sanity.
I plan to show this to him before sending it, but I just wanted to make sure it sounded ok before I showed it to him.
Dear MIL,
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-size: small"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small">I hope that we can have a friendly relationship as mother and daughter-in-law, but I feel that certain boundaries are required. J and I are a family now. We love each other and work well as a team. Fortunately, we have reached an age where we no longer require constant parental supervision. I am asking you to care for us without burdening us with your irrational worries and fear, and without dictating to us what and when things need to be done.
Sincerely,
Amandopolis
Oh my goodness. That sounds like such a frustrating, anger-inspiring situation. I can't imagine my MIL being that intrusive and aggressive. Calling your mom? Seriously? That totally sucks.
That being said, I would not send the email. I think it's very rational and well-written, but I feel like anything at all you do to even acknowledge her meddling is just giving fuel to her fire. I'm sorry your FI isn't stepping up to the plate, but he really needs to do so. This isn't your battle to fight, it's his. Not only that, but if you confront her when he doesn't want to, it could give her more of an "in" thru him, you know? What's his reason for staying out of it?
ETA: So is she worried because you guys are pregnant? What was she like before that happened?
personally im very very much against writing notes & emails as my mother does this (my mum is a drunk & a bitch btw) and i now return them unopened. putting something down in writing is forever, if she is the type she will keep that FOREVER and every single time she feels like bitching she will have this written piece of evidence to show and tell to anyone she wishes
although you are not incorrect in what you have written, i think a face to face intervention would be better - with your hubby there by your side & backing you up. making accusations is the surefire way to get her on the defensive so i would start by saying something like "i understand you phoned my mother about various things, i wish you would have asked me instead so do you have any concerns?" and then when she starts up say its him and me and we're got it all sorted so butt out... nicely though
goodluck, i think trying to put a stop to her meddling is a great start!
I am so sorry. This sounds so incredibly frustrating. I agree with amysue, though. Don't send it. Your husband HAS to talk to her. I'd write a few angrier drafts with some more 'colorful' language though, just to de-stress a bit! I hope you get some satisfaction about this soon!
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Amandopolis - Don't do it! I know you are extremely frustrated (I've seen your other posts), and I don't mean to say that your mom-in-law is right and you are wrong, but I don't think doing this will help and it might hurt.
I think you should change it to focus on the baby idea, but change the tone a little bit. I think if you can focus it on that you are hurt that she seems to think you are unable to take care of your own child, and that she is adding a lot of trouble to an already difficult, emotional, and hormonal time in your life, a time where you really feel like you need her support. Let her know that you want her to be a great grandma and a huge part of the baby's life, but at this stage it is really hurting you that she seems to believe you won't be able to care for it. Make sure you point out that you don't think she's doing it on purpose (even though she might well be!) but it's hurting you. Towards the end you can say....I don't know if I can keep talking to you with the same frequency because it can be very upsetting for you.
I don't think she wants to hurt you, she thinks this is the best way to stay relevant in her son's life - by tearing you down and making him feel like he needs mom to keep you both on the right course. If you let her know how deeply this is hurting you, while trying to keep the anger out, I think you might have a better result.
And, girl, if that doesn't work, send the mean email and forget about it. :)
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I think it's a very well-writeen and rational e-mail. I'm going to disagree with amysue and say send it. You said in your post that your husband refuses to do anything about it. If that is the case, then I think you have every right to say something to her. Should your husband fight this battle? Yes, but clearly he won't. I think it's completely normal and natural to want to defend yourself in a situation like this. She has no business calling YOUR mother. She has no business complaining about your thank you notes. She's allowed to worry about you guys, it's what parents do, but the level at which she is worrying is insane.
Good luck, hun. I have a feeling she's not going to let up, but at least she'll know how you feel.
Don't send this email. I can totally see where you're coming from, but based on this and previous posts it seems certain your MIL will use it as an excuse to make your lives more miserable. You husband needs to stand up to her. There's no other way around this issue that I can think of...short of changing your names and phone numbers ;)
I don't really ahve any advice on how to get him to do that...but I can say that sending this email will make things worse for you. If nothing else, at least say these things to her in person. Though I maintain it should be with your husband if not him alone.
Meanwhile, I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. A big hug to you!
I'm so sorry to hear about your MIL! I agree with the ladies above though, once you put it down in writing its down forever. That is definitely an awkward face-to-face conversation though. I like MarzipanMrs's suggestion to write more colorful drafts. Good stress relief :)
Try talking to your husband about how upsetting her behavior is to you and that you don't need the added stress. Especially with a baby on the way. Congrats btw :) Maybe he'll step up if you have a heart-to-heart.
"colorful drafts"... heheheh, maybe a face to face with powerpoint presentation! inlaws can be such a pita!
Do not send this e-mail!!
I am so sorry that you feel so smothered by your MIL. Ugh, I cannot imagine!! She sounds like a kook!!!
But, if you send this, you risk ruining your entire relationship and making matters worse. She will dislike you and it will drive a wedge between her and her son. It is his job to talk to her. If he won't talk to her, take her to lunch. After you have a chance to cool off.
Even the nicest of emails can be misinterpreted and this will most certainly NOT be taken well by her.
I just do not think it is worth it. Why does it bother you so much? Is she calling you? Don't pick up the phone as much. Is she calling your FI? If it bothers him, tell him not to pick up the phone or to talk to her about it. I think once you figure out why this makes you so upset, you might find a way to resolve the situation short of sending her an email which is sure to upset her.
Yeah, just don't accidentally send the colorful draft! : )
I just feel like sending this email will put your husband even more in the middle, and right now it sounds like there needs to be a way for you to be more united as a team against her negative influence.
A couple of good points from the pps. Also, e-mails are a more passive way to address a concern. So with this content of the letter, you are trying to assert yourself in a passive way. It conflicts. Also , the emotions in e-mails can often be miscontrued. So she might think you are sounding nasty, enraged, etc, that maybe you wouldn't sound in person (even if you felt it.)
Have you tried talking to her yourself? I know you feel frustrated that your Dh isn't stepping up, but I'm hoping that if you feel you have to say something, that talking will come across less harsh. But more effective. Also can you have this talk with DH present, so it looks like he's backing you up?
Unfortunately, my MIL lives 600 miles away, so having a face to face convo won't be possible until Thanksgiving.
And Erindesmar, it surprises me that this wouldn't bother you! It's making ME crazy, and I think it's pretty obvious why having a meddling MIL constantly nagging you and going behind your back calling your mother to tell her how inadequate you are is bothersome.
That probably felt really good to write out, but there is no way I'd send it. I've found it's best for my fi to deal with his mom and do the communicating with her. Ask your own mother to stop answering your mil's calls or to ask her nicely to stop calling because she's certain of your ability to handle any situation that comes your way.
This must be so frustrating for you on top of everything else it seems you're dealing with. However, I think an email like this will do more harm than good.
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*hug* I completely understand why you'd be upset, I'd be livid myself. Personally, I wouldn't send such a letter even though your feeling are completely valid and you're well within your rights to be angry. I don't have any advice other than to not send that letter, perhaps your mom can explain to her that there's no call for her to remind you to pay your bills etc seeing as your adults. And you can tactfully (again, I know you've had to do this before) let her know you're a big girl and can take care of things yourself. Sorry you're in this situation!
Definitely do not send this email!! I think I actually gasped out loud when I read "it's time to cut the cord". I don't think this would help, only escalate.
I think it's great that you wrote it all out and I think your hubby should read it over, then take what you wrote and call his mom to discuss it with her. To maintain a good relationship with your MIL it would probably be better for you if your hubby was the "bad guy" in this situation. Best of luck and hopefully it all works out!
Just don't do it! This will only give her fuel for stoking the crazy-fire. This message has to come from your husband and in his own way. Sorry she's being like this, but I'd just tryand be the bigger person here. Hug!
As a Mother in Law (I hope not like yours) I have to agree that you can't send it. As a Mom of six children I understand how hard it is to be pregnant and judged. Let it go. Go on about your business of planning your life, preparing for your baby and ignore her crazyness. If she doesn't get attention, it will stop. Really. congrats on your baby!
I agree with the majority here that you should not send this. I fear it would come back to haunt you! However, I bet writing it was really therapeutic, which is always good.
What I would do is try to come up with a short version of it (shorter the better) addressing what you do need from her. Try to include only the positive side. Show her only the super-mature, coolheaded, put-together you, and don't paint her as anything but a loving and concerned mother (but tread on that subject lightly). Here's my stab at it:
Dear MIL,
Husband and I appreciate that you are concerned about our situation right now. As we're about to have a child ourselves, I'm starting to understand that it is natural, as a parent, to worry about your children. I want to let you know that husband and I are doing great.
J and I are a family now. We love each other and work well as a team. We are building our savings account and working on the thank-you notes. I have a supportive and understanding employer who will provide me with work I can do at home while I'm on maternity leave and give me flexible hours when I return. She has also already offered me a substantial raise from my starting pay. We have loving and devoted friends and family, many of whom have generously offered us baby supplies. We have boundless love to offer this baby. We will be fine. And we can't wait to have you in the baby's life. We'll keep you posted on all the new developments!
Sincerely,
Amandopolis
I really sympathize with your situation but I would not send the email. I was always taught to keep all letters of emotion (and that goes for emails!) for 3 days before sending them to see how things change or if you change your mind. I would reccomend, like the other girls, encouraging your hubby of how important and urgent it is that he talk to his mother! Also, keep the email or write it out when you are fruterated, sometimes that helps me and gets if off my chest without having to actually go thru with sending it!
GOOD LUCK :)
And I just saw these other posts, but an equally valid and perhaps superior method to even the truncated letter would be for your husband to address it on the phone with her and for you to keep out of it. Saying anything might just be opening the door to more craziness.
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I have to say I agree with everyone else on this...I think that it is extremely cathartic to write out this letter, but it shouldn't be sent! Like Lillindy said - you should have your hubby read over the letter...perhaps it will help him to better understand what you're feeling? He definitely needs to get on your side on this...whether it is comfortable or not for him. I know he probably doesn't want to be in the middle, but if its a hot button issue, he is the individual who needs to be there to get through to her. With any MIL, there has to be some part of her heart that feels like you took her baby away from her (no matter how nice or how mean she is to you)...its hard to get over that. Albeit, she shouldn't be intervening in the way she is...my heart goes out to you! I hope everything works out!
I am on Team "Do Not Send" as well. Take it from me that the ONLY way to fix this is have your husband say that to her. She isn't going to listen to you and she is going to latch on to that thing FOREVER. I'm sorry that she's driving you crazy. I have to say I see it and I don't. She's being annoying for sure, but she's just worrying like any MIL would about a surprise pregnancy I think. Let it roll off your back for a little while longer, have your husband man up and see what happens. Good Luck!
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I'm on team do not send also.
Again, it's a point for constant contention should you send it and she can become very manipulative even more.
I think you and H should sit down and work together to solve this issue and he needs to hear your issues and he should confront her. It is his mother. When he does this and is mature and loving at the same time, I think she'll back off.
Best wishes and hugs for you and H and baby to be!
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Ditto, I don't think the email is the best way to go. Or letter, or anything like that. I'd have a tough time having this conversation, though, so I know exactly why you were driven to write. But, I think it'll likely add fuel to the fire. You know she'll just call you up to talk about it as soon as she gets it, and she'll flip her nuggets and pick it apart line by line. Maybe list the email out in bullets so that you can discuss on the phone with her one by one the issues and hit the key points you want to hammer into her. Tell her up front she can't speak first, YOU have the floor so it turns into YOU asserting yourself, not you sayinjg something and her overpowering you. And if she tries to, calmly remind her of the rule and tell her that if she won't be calm and rationale, you'll have to call her back. Click.
And, your husband needs to step up. Doesn't he realize how much of a burden this is causing you? Way too much unecessary stress on a mother to be who already has a lot on her plate without a MIL thinking she's incapable of doing anything. He needs to understand the impact this is having on you, not just him, and your relationship, or you're going to handle it and if you handle it, it won't go over as smoothly as if he handles it. He has to learn to stand up to them.
Sending you some hugs! I wish i could talk to her for you, lol. I can only imagine the situation you're in (it's much what I saw my mother go through with her MIL and my dad never did much about it until we all got much much older and by then the damage was done) and you're right to nip it in the bud as much as possible. This lady needs to learn you're not going to let your baby starve in the street and become all uncoutch white trash just because your baby's a surprise and you didn't find gold in the backyard. I mean, really. Positive thoughts!
Yikes! I am so sorry to hear that you are in this impossible situation. ((HUGS)). I agree with others that it is dangerous to put stuff like this in writing. If you press send, she could forward it to whomever and make you look like the bad one.
Just a few quick thoughts... if you stick with the written version, look back through it and highlight any phrases that might be strong emotional triggers (i.e., 'irrational worries' 'cut the cord'). While I'm sure these statements are on point, they will distract her from paying attention to your message. In the end, she'll end up defensive and have missed the entire point. I think chelseamorning brought up some great ideas-- focusing on the positive addresses her concerns without playing into her drama/issues.
I completely understand needing to write a letter to help organize your thoughts. Instead of giving someone the letter to keep, I'll bring up the subject and ask to read the letter to them. For me, sometimes reading a prepared statement is the best way to jump-start a conversation. Plus, I keep all the written evidence! :)
I agree with everyone else don't send it. Vent it out on here. My future MIL is constantly reminding my FI that he has to study for is recurring pilot's tests and that we shouldn't have scheduled the wedding in the spring when he has recurrents. Really? We have waited 3 years for this day and his recurrents are everyone 6 months so no time of ther year avoids the studying. I think you just have to be patient and let it go in one ear and out the other. She'll eventually get over it esp. when the baby arrives :)
I'm sorry to have to say this, but I think that Doctor Girl is right--this email will likely fuel the crazy fire. It is well-written and well-reasoned, but that doesn't make any difference to a person who's off her rocker.
I have a proactive personality too. If I were in your situation, my first instinct would definitely be to DO something to make it better. I'm just not sure such a straightforward approach is really warranted here. You might be better off by showing her that you and your new husband will be just fine without her assistance/comments/concern. Maybe once you are married for a few months and the sky doesn't fall, she'll figure out for herself that things are going to be okay.
I have to agree with the majority of PP's on this one. Do not send it. I was in a situation with my fiance in the winter, where we had a serious, serious blow up with my parents for alot of reasons that I won't go into here [looooooooong story!]. I was devastated that they weren't speaking, and tried to force a reconciliation by having my FI write an email to them, explaining how he felt, because there was some confusion from my parents side, in that they didn't understand why he was so upset. This was the worst thing we could have done. Things have finally blown over [6 months later], but my Dad STILL hangs onto the email, and refers to it, and just doesn't understand it. It put me in a horrible position, trying to referee between FI and my parents, and it really damaged their relationship. [I do take responsibility for making him send it, I just didn't know how to sit with such an uncomfortable situation - I've since learned!!] Everything appears ok on the surface, but ultimately, I don't know how their relationship will be in the future...it's really hard. If I could go back in time, I would NOT have him send that email. Anyway, that's just my opinion, and my experience. I can only imagine how frustrating and painful this situation must be, but I would have you DH handle his mother...he does know her best. Good luck with this - and big hugs!
I'm also on the team "don't do it"! I understand the frustration and anger...but I think the best route is to take a deep breadth and perhaps when the emotion settles down, give her a call with your calm, collected reason/rational.
This email will only aggrevate the situation and I don't believe it'll help resolve the situation...
That's my humble opinion...
Speaking from experience, DON'T send the email. Once something is in writing there is no taking it back. The ball is totally in your hubby's court. I HAD (notice HAD) a MIL from h*ll who hated me from the day we started dating. I suffered through her for 23 years until FINALLY, my husband stood up to her. I say HAD a MIL like that because my husband cut all ties and communication with her and his dad when he FINALLY stood up to her. She tortured me for years! And just wait until the baby gets here! You think you can't do anything "right" at this time, just wait until the baby comes. She will get 10 times worse. It is imperative that your husband take care of her and not you. It's his mother. If your mother were doing this, then I'd say it's your place act. Show him the email so he can make sure to hit all of the pertinent points when he confronts her. And the sooner the better. Tell him to please not put you through 23 years of it as my husband did.
can you -or even better your FI - read it to her over the phone? that way there is not an email to read, to keep, to stew over - but reading something prewritten allows you to express your thoughts in a rational manner?
I really feel for you being in this situation - she is turning what should be a joyous time in your life into something very stressful.
well, i guess i agree with the other posters not to send the email, even tho i'm sure it would be satisfying as hell but....she is going to be the grandmother of your child so if not for you and hubby's sake, i think you need to maintain a good relationship for the baby's sake and from the way your MIL sounds, she would not react to that email in a good way....on another note, CONGRATS ON YOUR PREGNANCY!!!!!!!
I would agree with all who say Do Not Send It. My suggestion to you is for your health and happiness and for that of your baby. You need a vent so that all that frustration and anger doesn't stay inside of your mind and heart. Anger can make you sick!
Instead, get a notebook or journal (sounds like you'll need a big one from the craziness of your MIL!) and when you get these phone calls write your response to her in the journal. Be sure to date it and also let your husband read it so he know's exactly how you feel. Pour out your heart there and then let him read it. Sometimes men process things better when it's in print rather than in spoken form. Underline things, draw faces, write in red marker if you're really angry....... then close the cover and let it go! Not easy to do but as a mother you will learn that there will be many, many times when your child will drive you crazy and there will be teachers in his/her life that drive you crazy, and the list goes on and on. Having a stuctured, disciplined form of release for your emotions can help get you through without damaging relationships that take twice as much emotional energy to restore.
Hope this helps you in some small way! Hugs to you, your hubby, and especially your growing baby!
I agree with all the "Don't Send" bees.
This is for many reasons, but the first being that you cannot reason with unreasonable people. Your letter was rational and clear, but she won't get it. My X-FIL was like this and I hate to say it, but he certainly contributed to the falling apart of my 1st marriage. You will not reach this woman. Here's my advice - and of course, it's to be taken with a grain of salt:
SINCE she's 600 miles away, minimize the # of times you answer the phone, and when you do, appease her and "uh-huh, oh we'll consider that, uh-huh" your way through the conversation. Hang up and do what you want. Tell your mom to stop answering the phone. If you get yourself prepared for a person like this BEFORE you are on the line with them, it's so much easier. You aren't going to change her, but when you stop answering/calling so much she'll eventually ask why. Be honest and kind. She'll either start a war or she'll tone it down for a bit.
Good Luck and hang in there!!!
@Amanda - did not mean to sound unsympathetic...because I am! It would really bother me if my FMIL was meddling all the time. My FI was very reliant on his mother into his mid-20's and it was a hard transition when we moved in together. What I (thought) I picked up on in this post (and in other posts) is tthat you are VERY upset by all of this and clearly your husband doesn't seem to care. Is there a reason why he does not care about it and you care so very much about it?
I really think if this is something you feel the need to speak to her about, you do so in person, not via e-mail.
I think Chelseamorning is on the right track - absolutely send her an email, but only do it positively. Then she has no ammunition to use on you later (which I think she would so do if you sent your email), and you are getting out your frustrations. You should have a serious talk with your husband, he needs to put his foot down with his mother and stop acting like nothings wrong. Maybe once he sees how her meddling is affecting your relationship he will see the error in his ways. For cripes sake, your pregnant and hormonal and the woman will not leave you alone!! And I would talk to your mom, let her know what's going on, and next time MIL calls her to complain, she can talk mother to mother to her and tell her her reasons for not meddling in your life - that your a responsible adult and have the babys best interest in mind.
Oh and hey, if your MIL is so worried about the thank you notes, tell her to write them herself!!
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