I am just curious.

posted 3 years ago in Married Life
Post # 3
2831 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

is she staying permanently? is it a temporary situation? is she contributing monetarily?

i think boundaries need to be set. and she needs to understand that if those boundaries are broken, there will be consequences.

Post # 4
3833 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

You might need to have a serious, scheduled “family meeting” where you, your husband, and your mother sit down and reestablish the rules. Make it clear that this is the only way the three of you can live together – they are not merely requests. You may have to point out that when you lived in her home, she set the rules and you (usually, probably) followed them. This your home, your rules. 

It may sound harsh, and depending on your mother’s personality, she may get defensive, but she’s an adult and can choose her reaction – remember that if you have trouble standing firm if she gets upset/angry. You are not making her that way, she is choosing to act that way.

Post # 5
3570 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Well, if she is living there now, it is her home.  But since she has to co-exist with other people, she needs to knock.  If she can’t abide by that, get a lock.

Post # 6
5399 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2014

@LadyBear:  This.

Sit down, and discuss it again. Be VERY clear that it is your house, and your rules, and that if she cannot respect the boundaries you have set, she will need to find other accommodation.

That might sound harsh, but that is what I would do personally.

Post # 7
11772 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

Is she living with you guys because of age/disability/illness?

If she’s living with you for her convienence, it’s time for her to go!

Post # 11
6985 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

“If you cannot follow these rules you cannot live here” and it that doesn’t work, a good lock.

Post # 12
5800 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

Even as adults, we slip back into our childhood roles when the family dynamic presents itself. Your mother is probably used to walking in without knocking because that is the way it was when you grew up. You’re still her daughter and despite having a family, home and life of your own, you’re not going to change that fact. So you will all need to have a rational, non-confrontational discussion of boundaries and why you need to set such boundaries. You also need to describe the consequences of her violating the boundaries– maybe not in terms  of “if you keep coming in without knocking, I’ll make you move out” but rather “when you have a pattern of coming in without knocking, I can’t relax fully and have intimate moments with my husband.”

Post # 15
8679 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

I’d dislike anyone who offered to kill my dog, too. There are proper channels for euthanizing a dog. A bullet to the brain isn’t acceptable to me.

If your mother is living with you permenantly or long term, the house is her house too. It isn’t unusual for people to attempt to re-start “preset family roles” when you move back in together. If setting boundaries isn’t working, you need to either deal with it, or find another arrangement for your mother.

Post # 16
111 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@none:  The dramatic change in how your mother relates to your husband sounds startling.  I’ve not experienced this personally, but I’ve read many an advice column that advises a full medical checkup for older adults who no longer act like themselves.  I’m not a medical professional by any means, but it could be something worth looking into.  Then again if she’s always been difficult, it may not be the way to go.

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