Post # 1
So as things with my FI’s family get worse and worse… I’m feeling like this whole wedding thing is more drama than it may be worth. We had to cancel our engagement party becuause non of my family can come, and Mr H’s parents decicded to dis-own his sister… who is like my best friend, and co-maid of honor, and then asked for her and her new husband (they got married this past June) to pay back the 500.00 dollars they spent on invitations and other minor expenses. Seeing this unfold in front of me is making me so upset because I know I will never have the relationship I want to have with my Future mother-in-law. If she is willing to disown and decide not to see her grandchildren, and her own daughter over nothing… she surely won’t have a problem doing the same to me.
Plus.. I really really need my cousins and my other best friend here to help me through all of this… but they live across the country. So I’m going through this alone. I can talk to Mr H about this… and I have… but he just doesn’t care about his parents anymore, and accepts the fact they will never be a major part of our lives. And my parents have heard all the horrible things his parents have done and said to Mr. H and his sister… so they pretty much hate them for being so destructive in their lives. How will I get through this? I am the only person who really WANTS to have a great relationship with my FMI, but I dont think it is recipricated at all. In fact probably the opposite, pretty sure she hates me, or severely dislikes me.
I don’t want to have a wedding, or anything having to do with it if both parties are going to feud the whole time, or be awkward, or forget the reason this is happening. It is exhausting, and stressful, and I cry a lot about it… cuz that dream I have had since I was a little girl will most likely not happen.
How could she disown her daughter and grandchildren? Through a text message, because she picked up her dog and hour late? How can someone’s own mother call her daughter such horrible and hurtful things? And tell her son he is wasting his time in school because he is stupid and has no future? And decided not to go to her own father’s funeral because she felt too fat that day. This is my future mother in law. Please kill me. I sob now.
Post # 3
((HUGS)) My only advice to you is the wedding isn’t about the families but you and your fh… if the two of you want a wedding then you should get one and have whomever you want there (unless they fils are footing the bill)… i definitely would take a high road and not accept any monetary involvement from them (especially since they may ask for it back if you do something they don’t like)
Post # 4
Eek. Sorry you are going through this. My advice is to just step back for the time being. You may want a good relationship with her and hope that everyone will make up, but until she changes her behavior that probably won’t happen. Has your FMIL always been like this or is it something new? If this act is new, I would wonder if something else is going on.
Post # 5
Oh! That’s so tough. Perhaps you can just focus on your relationship with your FSIL. It sounds like she needs family too!
That notwithstanding, I agree with Bamboo–do you think FMIL might have some physical ailment that’s causing her to be unbalanced?
Post # 6
Thank you for the encouragement and advice 🙂
@ crebre80 Good call on the monetary involvement. Originally they had offered to pay for the rehersal dinner… then changed their offer to just the wedding party and his immediate family… not mine… when they remembered that my entire family lives across the country. So polltely turning it down or suspending it would probably be best.
@Bamboo This definately is not new. My FI moved out of his parents house when he was 17 into my parents house and lived with us for a few years until we got out on our own… she has been like this his whole life. 🙁
Post # 7
What a vile m.i.l and what a terrible excuse for a mother. Honestly it sounds like your life will be nicer without her in it, do you really want such a negative person around your future children (thats assuming you wanted to have children of course)? I’m afraid I can’t explain why so folk are so wicked but, just focus on the positive, loving people in your life.
Post # 8
I’d definitely turn it down! They sound like very special people.
Post # 9
oh dani jo! i’m so sorry you’re having to deal with this! 🙁 🙁 🙁
Sounds like FMIL is a hard person to love, and KUDOS to you for making that extra effort. I want to encourage you to guard your own self though too – it will be important over the years for you and H to keep reaching out to her, if you want to maintain a relationship with his family, but you need to make sure you’re doing it in ways that FIRST protect you from being hurt by her. Seems like she’s more of a ‘taker’ than a ‘giver’, so be ready to give give give and not expect much in return. Not an easy task while planning a wedding, let alone for years to come!
I think the advice to NOT rely on her financially (even for something insignificant) is definitely good – why give her grounds to find fault?
Hope things look up. You’ve always got your bees to be here and listen if you need us. 🙂
Post # 10
my mother disowned my sister (her first child) over 10yrs ago and in the package she lost her first 3 grandsons and now her first great grand child.
my advise, dont get in the middle of it.
i have my sister who i get on with and my mother who i endure and the 2 never meet. i dont even mention one to the other – im switzerland as far as they are concerned.
im sorry your not going to have a relationship with her as you hoped but the woman is toxic and i suggest you dont invest too much because youre going to get burnt
Post # 11
I too would suggest you distance your self from this woman. If FH is not interested in a relationship with her, you should just stay neutral to the situation, treat her nicely but don’t go out of your way for her. If at any point she changes, (maybe she will realizer the consequences of her actions in her old age and change her attitude) then you can reevaluate. I think your life will be happier without her and it seems that you value your relationship with FH’s sister much more. It sounds like you had hoped this will turn out differnetly but if he moved into your house at 17, you kind of knew this was not going to change. You can’t change someone who does not think she is doing anything wrong but you can yhoose not to surrond yourself with toxic people. Best of luck, once you admit to yourself that this relationship will never bee as you imagined, I think you will be happy to move on.
Post # 12
I’m so sorry you have to deal with this person. And I think it really, really only a select lucky few who have a “great” relationship with their in-laws. Please realize that although your “dream” of having a great relationship with the inlaws may not come true, your dream of getting married to a wonderful partner is certainly coming true and that is the most important part.
Post # 13
Thank you everyone 🙂 All the advice is great and is reminding me what really matters 🙂 Thank you. So true that I need to just take it, and remain positive. I love you all.
Post # 14
Dani, its not going to be easy but you have to set boundries, its the only way its going to work. if one wants to start bitching about the other speak up immediately that you will not take sides or get invovled – trust me…. been there, living it now
unfortunately at some point you may have to make some tough choices because if things dont improve i suspect they will refuse to be in the same room at the same time. if FI’s mum is a emotional blackmailer i suspect your wedding might be one of those times. i picked my sister & family over my mother for my post wedding party and told my mum that was the price for my family being a basketcase because really its my mum that has issues with all 3 of us siblings while the 3 of us are a great support for eachother
Post # 15
HUGS!!!!!! I to was very excited to be a part of my FH family and I loved them at first, they were perfect and great in everyway, that is until they didn’t get what they wanted. My fiance and his dad had started an automotive shop together a few years before I met him and my fiance was the mechanic and his dad sat in the office and bs with all the customers, I am not kidding he did nothing other than call in tire orders which were prepared fore him. But he raked in the dough and my fiance was salaried and not even making minimum wage by the time he was working 7 days a week and 16+ hours a day. Plus his dad would make him pay for everything he needed to fix the cars and such so with that my fiance was falling behind in bills and such and him and his dad fought all the time, so he decided to quit the buisness. He sat down with his dad and just calmly said I want out and that he would let his dad take all the time he needed to find a replacement and he would train him and such. But his dad blew up and called him horrible things and disowned him. Spread lies around town that I punched my FMIL and that we stole from the company and such and told the family my FH just walked out and left him with nothing. Long story, so as of now we don’t speak to them. It is sad not to have a relationship, but really do you want a relationship with people that cause trouble in your life. Life is hard enough without the extra BS.
I am sorry you have to go through it. But just keep in mind it is YOUR day and make it special for you two:) It can be done without family. We are getting married in two weeks and not a single family member will be there. But we have our own church family that will be and they are there to love us and support us and make our day great:)