(Closed) I am selfish/unattracted to him and need help!!

posted 5 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 3
3626 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Hmm… I think you should tell him you need to spice things up. Don’t tell him all this stuff you said because I think it will hurt his feelings. But just suggest some different things. 

Post # 4
1778 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I’m sorry you are feeling this way.  However, I don’t think you should feel guilty or selfish.  People change as they grow older/mature and so do their tastes and desires.  I personally think you have a few issues going on here, they are probably all fixable, but you have to decide for yourself if it is worth it. One thing I would say that is that if you are not happy with the way things are, don’t just pretend you are, a lifetime of misery is not worth it.

1. Are you sure you really WANT to be with him?  From your post it sounds like you are almost complacent.  What I mean is, you say things like “this would have been great when I was single” which implies to me that maybe you just needed someone (when you were single) and were happy with anyone.  I am hoping I am just reading your post wrong and you are 100% sure that HE is the one, and not just because you have been together for so long.

2. You hate what he likes. This one is going to be tough.  Do you actually HATE those positions, or are you just dog tired of them?  If it’s tired then you need to talk to him about variety.  Read some books and look at some pictures and figure out some other positions that will work for you two.  The options might be a bit limited since you say he is a larger man, but I am sure you can find at least 2-3 more than you are doing to try.  Hopefully you both will love them and then you can compromise a bit and vary up the routine.

3. You aren’t attracted to him physically, especially when he’s naked.  It sounds like he used to make more of an effort earlier in your relationship.  He’s gained weight, lost muscle, and no longer shaves his back hair- people get comfortable in long term relationships and sometimes things like this happen.  Maybe you two can both try to exercise more or eat healthier?  Make it a joint thing that is fun and not just about him.  This might also give him more energy to make sex more interesting.  As for the back hair, maybe you can just nicely mention how desired it made you feel knowing he would spend the time to shave it for you?  (Also if there is anything you used to do that you’ve stopped doing because you got comfortable- dressing cute or whatever, you might want to pick it up again if you can)

4. He says corny things in bed that make you cringe.  Can you guys schedule something like a phone sex session?  You don’t even have to be away from each other, but go into different rooms and talk sexy on the phone. Get very excited and tell him the things you want him to say. “Tell me I’m __________” whatever you like.  I am however wondering if the words are just irking you because you are feeling bad about the overall experience.

5. You don’t want to pleasure him.  It’s pretty impossible to actively WANT to pleasure someone that you are not attracted to.  Oral sex and even hand jobs are extremely personal. Hopefully better communication and some physical effort/changes will create your spark again.  Or maybe you just aren’t into those things, some people aren’t.  If you just literally do not want to do those things, then have a conversation about how you would prefer to xyz rather than abc and discuss how he feels about it. Maybe he’d be happy to just go down on you, as long as you have sex afterward or maybe a 69 instead of just a blow job for him would work.

Overall, just make sure that you want to be with HIM, not that you want to be with SOMEONE.  Sexual compatibility can be a deal breaker, but it does not have to be if both parties are willing to work on it.  Unfortunately, at this point he does not know anything is wrong, so you’ll need to be gentle about it and not dump it all on him at once.  Please try to fix these things before you get married.  Walking away because it does not work out would be very hard, but getting a divorce because one of you resents the other is much worse.

Good luck! Please PM if you just want to talk about stuff or anything.

Post # 5
996 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

@Schatzie821:  Everything you said 110%

OP, don’t feel too bad for feeling this way. I really think a lot of what you are feeling at the moment is just because of his recent weight-gain. It sounds mean or shallow or perhaps even bitchy but in all honesty, sometimes when a spouse or partner gains a lot of weight or changes drastically, it CAN have an effect on how attractive you find them. I’m sure you still love him as a person but it seems to me that all the problems are in the bedroom despite that both you and him are sexually compatible in most ways (you’ve mentioned you enjoy the stimulation he provides but not the cheesy compliments etc). This only leaves how you see him on the attractive scale. I’ve always been a firm believer in “if the man doesn’t please you physically he can’t really please you sexually.”

Post # 6
1068 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Sorry this is happening, but you need to talk to him. Communication is really important in a relationship and you NEED to get this sorted out before you get married!!!

Talk to him, see if there is any way he can be more attractive to you. If he shaved his back, lost his weight. Would it be better? Is he willing to do that?

If not, then you might need to have reconsider marrying him because people need to be not only emotionally attracted to their significant others, but also physically. You after all, will be spending the rest of your life with this person. Can you imagine that?

Post # 7
5109 posts
Bee Keeper

@Schatzie821:  +280982.

I will say I went through a phase like this with Darling Husband recently and we came out of it. But it was not this severe. I was just like eh all the time.

Post # 8
65 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I wouldn’t feel guilty or selfish. I recently told my Fiance that he needs to go back to the gym. He wasn’t gaining or anything, but he was losing all the muscle he had worked for and looking sickly thin. I work out at the gym 6x a week and I will admit it, a lot of that is to make sure I’m attractive to HIM as well as for my own health and self-esteem. I don’t want him (or me!) to ever get comfortable and let go of the want/desire to turn the other one on. I’d sit down and have a very serious conversation with him about all of this. Don’t sugar coat the problems, but present them in a very to the point manner so it doesn’t feel too much like an attack. *hugs* trust me, other people HAVE been here. You’re not alone.

Post # 10
4929 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I think a couples/marital counselor would be helpful here. Looks like some communication breakdown… and some resentment starting. 

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