- Blog
- Bios
- Boards
- Classifieds
- DIY
- Gallery
- Vendor Reviews
- Shop Weddingbee
Weddingbee boards
Its so hard with these things, because the majority of girls when wedding planning get emotional with stress. I think the excuse for the ride being too much.. for crying in a bucket its 30 minutes! That would make me mad.. that makes me mad that someone would even think to use it as an excuse. L A M E. So right on sister for being annoyed there. Would she take offence to you asking her to step down? or is it too late for that?
My MOH is the same way. She hasn't asked me ONE time about my wedding. My bridal shower is in early July and none of my other bridesmaids have heard from her in terms of invites, decor or ideas. I ended up picking a 2nd MOH, my 2nd MOH planned an entire bachelorette party in a week of me asking her and already started collecting the money for it. I should mention she lives in Atlanta and I live in Pittsburgh. So I can see where you're coming from. My MOH could care less it seems and her reason is "the wedding is so far away, I am not excited yet". Which I get if she doesnt understand the planning process. So now I have 5 bridesmaids and 2 MOHs :). I split their duties and actually tried to talk to my original MOH to maybe step down (I of course asked nicely). She refused to. It sucks because my other MOH wants to do everything and she is SOOOOO excited, but I never asked her originally because she is out of state. Buuuut she has done much more than my original one already and it's been like a month for her and about 9 months for my original. Is there another girl you could ask? Maybe one of the more excited BMs?
Try to understand it from her point of view...I'm sure she is happy for you, but maybe its hard for as well. Your MOH is your closest friend, you're getting married- she may be affected by this by reflecting on her own life and may not what she sees...so she isn't involved because its hard on her...
Of course, she might be just plain ol' self-centered because i'm way off in my assessment above!
I just know I've been through many weddings and thankfully, I never reacted like that, many other of my friends have done so.
Maybe I'm of the minority but I don't think it's the MOH's job to do your crafts. If she volunteers to help with things like making favors then great but to require her to come to your house and help you twice is a bit much. I feel like she is making a fair compromise by asking you to give her the pieces and she'll do the work at her place so she does not have to drive. If you want the help, then you should be willing to drop the stuff off since you drive to your mom's anyway.
As far as attending a bridal party party, I would think she would want to do that but maybe she is just feeling like too much is expected of her at this point.
I have to agree with Slicey19 on this one...I don't think that you should MAKE anyone do your crafts. I would be embarassed to have to force people to come to me not once but 2 times in order for me to have things I thought were needed for the day. If they ask then sure use the help...but making it a requirement is a little pushy.
I'm kind of on the fence about this. Saying she can't make the drive because it's 30 minutes, is kind of lame. If I was in your BP I would be making a bigger effort.
However, because you have some BMs who are being really great about helping you, I think your perception has been impacted. I don't think it's unreasonable that she doesn't want to do your favors. Some gals really don't like that stuff. And I agree that having you drive to her to give her the favors is a fair enough compromise. They're YOUR favors. Why does she need to drive to your place, and do the work, for your wedding. A bridal party isn't really there to be your free labor.
Also, I was with you saying you wanted to have a party for the BP, until you said it was basically a meeting to work. I don't know how necessary it is to have a meeting to go over all the details of the wedding. I'm guessing you already planned a rehearsal. You could even send them a nice outline of the day. And if a meeting is that necessary, I would be a little put off too, being in the BP. Sounds like a lot of work. The fun dance makes for a good time. But the reason why a lot of weddings don't have something like that is because it's hard to find an entire BP willing to get an act together. Maybe your MOH doesn't feel comfortable doing this dance. Or maybe she just feels like you're asking too much and is trying to avoid you.
Just a guess. Maybe there's something else going on. (I like what mmuncha said. Maybe she is dealing with some other emotions about your upcoming marriage.) But I would cut her some slack. Be thankful you have some BMs who are willing to help you. And maybe ease up on your expectations of them.
I too agree wtih Slicey19. I wouldn't EXPECT my BM's to make my crafts however it would be nice if they wanted to. One of my BM's offered this weekend to do my placecards but she asked that I give her the supplies and she will make them at home on her own time (aka after work in front of the tv!)
Again, you are asking her to do a favor for your (help you with the crafts) so if she wants to do them at home and asks you to drop them off then you should.
30 minutes may not be a big drive but its not right around the corner.
are you sure there's not something else going on under the surface? My best friend who will be my MOH can be very sensitive and emotional, and sometimes does things or acts certain ways that make me so angry- but usually when i dig a little deeper, i find out that it's an emotional reaction or defense mechanism for something that is bothering her. Not saying that its acceptable to act like a jerk if you are self conscious or upset about something, but it's better than her acting that way because she is trying to be hurtful and/or doesnt' care. Is there any sort of jealousy going on (of your happiness/marriage/other bms?) is there something else giong on in her life that is making her feel inadequate (as a person, an MOH, etc)? Mayve try talking to her about it. She's your MOH for a reason and if she really is a very good/best friend, there's got to be somethign more holding her back than a 30 minute ride.
I know that it does sound totally unreasonable that I am enlisting my bridesmaids to help with my favors.....i should have specified.....my favors are 4 different flavors of truffles that have to be scooped and frozen immediately or they melt. Making a 30minute ride would or even a 5 minute one would spoil them. All my girls knew at the beginning that this wasnt the typicla wedding planning since I have 4 kids I needed them to all be involoved towards the end and they all agreed to help even more than that! Except her! To be honest my other friend and
I have become more of bestfriends and my MOH hardly even talk anymore.
when i asked her to step down as my MOH thats when she promised there was nothing bugging her or weighing her down and she wanted to do it! I also asked every person in the BP individualy if they felt comfortable doing the dance and told them all that it would require a few practices....which all of the agreed they would do it as long as we could practice! I guess maybe I should just let it go and say ok she doesnt need to help when everyone else is even people not in my wedding party but I cant help but want her to be involoved and I am pissed off to be frank!Maybe this is more of a loosing my friend feeling then a horrible MOH
You already asked her to step down once?! I bet she just feels really uncomfortable about everything. I think if you want to salvage your friendship you need to put your wedding stuff aside and get together and do non-wedding related things.
Hmm, I'm in the camp that you shouldn't be expecting your bridesmaids to do anything for you. I know you said it's tough b/c you have 4 kids, but your bridesmaids have other things going on besides your wedding. I know a half hour drive doesn't seem like a lot, but that's an hour (1/2 hour both ways) out of her day just in travel time for her to help you out with something. And I know as a friend, she shouldn't mind, but she may have a ton of other stuff going on in her life right now that she isn't telling you about b/c she knows you're stressed with planning. I'm a firm believer that no one should have to take on your wedding tasks except for you. I think it would be different if she had originally offered to help and then backed out, but the reality is, your bridemaids may have other things on their mind besides your wedding. Their job is to buy a dress, and show up the day you get married.
I'm sorry, but I think you may be overreacting a bit. The big picture is that you are marrying the person you love. In my opinion, your MOH and BMs are there to provide support, not be responsible for the other activities you mentioned. How would you feel if a friend of yours asked you to be the MOH and then asked you to step down? I certainly wouldn't be too happy (even if I didn't want to admit it). What is there to make her think you won't ask her to step down again?
If it were me, I would just focus on the big picture - at the end of the day it's all about the union between you and your husband.
I really think it's unreasonable that you are expecting her to help with your favors. As a bridesmaid your responsibility is to buy a dress and show up on time. No more. Now, if your bridesmaids want to do more.. that's great! But if they don't, you can not force them. You asked these people to be in your wedding party because you are close to them and they mean a lot to you, not because you need free labor. It's really not their responsibility to take on extra tasks just because you have four kids. If you can't handle all the details on your own you will need to cut back. Maybe frozen truffles was too much to try to do.
I guess there are two ways to think of this. one - no matter what we might hope of others, our weddings will only ever be the most important to ourselves, not everyone else.
However, this doesn't mean that those closest to you can't show their support and love.
If the tables were turned, how would you be as an MOH. Give it some thought before you approach her. I hope it works out, because we all know that an uncooperative MOH is the last thing any bride needs!
xoxo
Unfortunately I am going to have to agree with the previous posters!
One of my favourite tips about wedding planning is that "Nobody cares as much about your wedding as you do!" It keeps me humble.
I am sure your MOH is happy for you and cares about your wedding but she doesn't care enough to do your work for/with you?
I think she should come to the party but you didn't mention her reason for not being able to come!? If her reason is valid I would just organize some time to go over everything separately with her!
Good Luck!
Thank you Officebride! I feel like I have been there through so much for her! 2 years ago when she found out her bf was cheating on her I was there almost everyday making the drive and bringing her dinners after a month of that she stayed with us for 3 months rent free didnt even pay for her food! I dont feel like asking her to help scoop truffles(which were actually her idea and she was toootally onboard for) is alot! As far as whats going on in her life....she is on unemployment and posts things on ebay for sale. When I "asked her to step down" it was when we met up before b/c I felt like she wasnt interested at all since she never asked me a thing about the wedding and actually forgot the wedding date. she said to me "I feel like you want me to step down or something" I said "well do you" and she said NO it was never like me saying ok listen so heres the deal step it up a notch or gets to steppin!
Is her avoiding scooping truffles really worth ruining a friendship over?
She can not come to the party on saturday afternoon b/c she is having a yardsale sunday at her moms and wants to price things. Dont know if this qualifies as valid
No its not just the truffle thing I have told her time and time again that if she cant be here to help at least be there for me! Call me! she is just a different person now and I dont like who she has become. Everything I do she turns her nose up at and has a negative comment about (not just about the wedding) She has missed our house warming party both my daughters birthday parties Every other week we have a big dinner here and everyone is welcome....its nothing that we plan its just a known thing.....she hasnt come for almost a year now! I dont know if she is mad that my friend and I are alot closer now but she has other friends that I am not close with so I dont see the big deal. Im not really sure b/c part of me agrees with the majority to just leave it alone and go on my way BUT there is that part of me that misses my bestie and wants her to be close and interested! I mean my sister planned my shower for me and my other friend did the bachelorette party. My sister and her are no longer speaking b/c my sister got fed up an told her off completely! My friend pretty much my 2nd MOH is about there. I think the worst part is is she will write me an email randomly (on the blog that we have for the wedding party) saying she is coming up and then never shows and never calls almost like she is saying it so everyone can see and be like oh good shes going.....or will send me a weird excuse like 2 days later via email. I asked her to be my MOH b/c I love her as a friend and b/c the "old" her would have been 110% here for me and she is just not.
If she can't come to a specific event such as the party on Saturday, I think all she needs to do is tell you ahead of time. She's done that. I don't think she even needs to tell you why she can't come. I don't think that you should judge her reason as being "valid" or "invalid."
It sounds like you have a sister and other friends who are helping you a lot. Maybe just focus on the relationship with them and the relationship with your MOH a little less. It may be less stressful.
@Kait - no I don't think that is a justified reason to miss the party! If she managed her time properly she could do that before the party! I would call her and tell her how important it is to you for her to be there and hopefully she steps up!
I'm with Eva - I don't think she needs to justify why she's unable to make things. It sounds like you're expecting a lot from her as a friend in general, and maybe she's put off by that. And, if my best friend asked me if I wanted to step down, I'd be pretty hurt as well. I would back off and focus on just being friends for now. Don't expect anything from her, and if she does show up and help out, great, but if she doesn't, you won't be disappointed.
@2Peas that is kind of how I have been treating it. She will email us and say she is coming but never shows kind of hard not to be disapointed that way! Everytime she says it I want to be like are u really coming or just saying it?! But I feel like its pretty sad that she has done that probably 6 or 7 times now and now i just dont believe her that she is coming and we all make a joke of it. But the party has been planned for 2 months....and its not like military status we are having a cookout and bon fire and we are going to practice the dance once or twice b.c everyone is curious about it. The things I was going to go over are like writen on paper or anything just like logistcal things like the limo is picking up or WP only so their guests need to take their cars that way they our WP and their guests can leave in their own cars since we couldnt pay for the limo that long things like that. My FI and I were just going to talk about it casually not like sit everyone down and read them their rules! We just basically wanted to get everyone together to hang out and get to eachother more practice the dance after a few drinks and talk about the wedding and just have a good time. I Undertsand that my wedding isnt the biggest thing in my WPs life nor am I asking for them to make a huge contribution. But I feel as though I have always been a very giving and helpful friend and when anyone ever has anything going on I am there or at least there to talk to and I do expect that in return. I also think that being a BM MOH in a wedding involved more then getting a dress and showing up its about sharing the experience with a friend on one of their biggest days!
I think you are really over-reacting here. They're just truffle favors, put it in perspective for your entire relationship as a whole. You say she's on unemployment, and she's also having to sell things on ebay and at yard sales to make ends meet. It sounds like spending money on gas and travel is too much for her. It's not like she said she would come and just skipped it - she gave you advance notice that she won't be able to make it and tried to come up with an alternative for her to learn the dance.
You picked a wedding party to have people who are close to you stand up with you on your wedding day. It's not their responsibility to help you craft and help with all of the projects you decided to take on. It sounds like you have some bridesmaids who are more than willing to help out! Embrace those who help you, and don't expect anything from anyone else.
I always wondered why we have bridesmaid and so many of them. My two daughters were bridesmaids because I wanted them to be up there and part of my celebration. I never asked or assumed they were going to be free labor in making my favors or decorations. I don't get why people have so many of them either. Really you have that many best buds you want in your wedding instead of just inviting them? Maybe cause I am an older bride and second time around I don't get the whole bridesmaid thing. Now on the my 1st marriage there weren't any bridesmaids.I think you have them up there as a place of honor part of the celebration.
On a totally unrelated note, did you know that you can make truffles that do not have to be frozen and won't melt in the car? I'm making truffles for my wedding favor too, and mine are nice and firm at room temperature. no melting and no freezing required. Let me know if you need the recipe! And I hope you and your MOH can work things out before the wedding!
Sorry, I don't think that BM's or the MOH should be expected to help with favors or other projects. I was in a friends wedding a couple years ago, she expected me to do a lot! It was seriously ridiculous some of the things she asked me to do. I never wanted to do any of it, because she "expected" it! I would always make excuses because I hate when people expect me to do things (especially things like that). It almost ruined our relationship. Last year I was in another friends wedding, she would call and say "hey my mom and I are going to work on ____________, you can ride over if you want or have time, don't worry about it if you can't". I appreciated that she did not demand me to come and help her. I was a lot more eager to help.
remember the wedding isn't a priority in their busy or not so busy life as it is to the bride. serious i never did actually get the meaning behind having bridesmaid other then you have a couple of real close friends or family members you want up there to enjoy your ceremony. Never saw them as a free wedding cordinator to boss around and oooooo and aaaahh over you as you get your toes painted or even as you prance out of the dressing room in the wedding dress.
Step down? I mean, is this a job?
Really?
If you made plans to DIY something that is outside your ability to finish on your own, well that's a bummer. But you decided to do it.
I think it's a little strange how you list how much you've done for her and making it sound like she owes you a debt of gratitude for doing what friends are supposed to do.
Sorry, I just have trouble with the whole bridezilla mentality.
PS. My bridemaids are out of town, they haven't helped me with a thing. Oh well! They're still my bridesmaids for a reason! I love them and they've been with me through thick and thin; I can forgive that they couldn't drive into town to staple my programs.
You must log in to post.
| Visit our sister sites | eHarmony Online Dating |
eHarmony Advice Dating Advice |
Project Wedding Wedding Songs |
JustMommies Pregnancy Calendar |
Create the honeymoon of your dreams.
| User | Posts Today |
|---|---|
| Lyndzo | 34 |
| Ms. Salamander | 23 |
| beargoose | 21 |
| rebwana | 21 |
| his chippymunk | 20 |
| mypinkshoes | 18 |
| LammChop | 17 |
| fivemonthsnotice | 17 |
| kat2014 | 15 |
| s.renea9 | 15 |
| User | Posts Today |
|---|---|
| LammChop | 11 |
| ticklemepink | 3 |
| TwoCityBride | 3 |
| funkymunky85 | 3 |
| janetsnakehole | 3 |
| Miss Root | 2 |
| SapphireSun | 2 |
| Jenlon | 2 |
| Mrs. Chai | 2 |
| Jessica24UK | 2 |
Ok so I have been having problems with my MOH from the begining! I had an earlier post about her too! But anyways she just does not seem to care about anyof it. She is coming across nasty too! Since we started planning last April she has come up to help once! One of my BM comes once a WEEK! I am not asking that of her(my MOH) but at least to care for christ sakes! The latest.....I have been planning a party for all in our bridal party for months. Well its may 22nd she can not come. The point of this party was to get everyone together practice our funny first dance for the 1st time go over wedding details and everything. Well she then posts in the email (that all the BM's get) that maybe one of them (whom she hardly knows) can meet HER and show her the dance! Other then the party I asked that each of them come up twice to help make the favors! No one has a problem with this but her....she is my MOH!!! Her reason for NOT being able to come up twice is 81 days is that the ride is too much (its 30minutes!) everyone else is driving it! and I drive it all the time to go down to my moms house and sisters house! its really not bad! instead she wants me to drive down to her and give her "take home projects" its not freakin preschool its my wedding!
Am I just over reacting?.....Should I even be upset?......Is this just like a combination of everything?.......What would you all do?.....I am so lost I dont even know what to do!
I already went to her house and sat down face to face and talked to her about her lack of involvement and she promised to be better with it.....I dont know