Post # 1
Our wedding has come and gone (9/25) and now that things have slowed down I’m starting to realize all the people that rsvp’d yes and did not come. We had multiple families RSVP for their whole family and only a few from the families came and “friends” who I realize I’m not as important to them as they are to me rsvp for both themselves and their spouse or themselves and a plus one (even when a plus one wasn’t invited). I can think of about 20 people that didn’t come that we paid 40 dollars a plate for and no explaination as to why they didn’t come or even bother a congratulations card.
My feelings are really hurt by this, DH keeps saying well maybe they don’t understand the costs and the importance of a correct rsvp count, but most of these people recently got married to. I wouldn’t dream of RSVPing yes to a function and not attending (well I couldn’t before, but now for some of my unmarried “friends” and family I’m considering just that).I joked and told DH and my mom that we should email everyone that rsvp’d yes and didn’t show to tell them they owe us a gift worth that much or they need to pay my parents back the money they cost. I was just joking, but the more I think it about the more I want to do it (I’m not that uncouth but these people cost us and my parents thousands of dollars) I would feel differently if I had an explaination but so far none. Its just really frustrating.
Am I wrong to feel upset by this?
Also, on another note, who comes to a wedding empty handed and doesn’t at least send a card? we had 200 people at our wedding and defintiely not that many cards. I expected us to have a few in our mailbox when we got back from our HM but there was nothing but coupons in there) I understand times are tough and therefor don’t expect gifts from atendees, but cards are nice (I LOVE reading cards).
End of rant, haha
Post # 3
I definitely agree on the card thing its like you don’t HAVE to put money in there but damn it at least leave a card! I am still checking the mail expecting a card haha. I think I just like cards though…
We had some that RSVP’d yes and didn’t come and I found that so rude! It’s like do you not realize how much money was spent so you and your family of 4 could eat?! I told DH that I was gonna remember all the people who didn’t RSVP and came, RSVP’d and didn’t come when their time came I would take FOREVER to get them their RSVP back and then not go! Ha that was just out of spite I would never do that but it sure is nice to pretend!
Post # 4
I feel your pain. I had one “Friend” who texted me the day before the wedding saying she couldnt make it. I was pissed!
And yes, tons of people did not give cards – could not believe that either. These are things I would never think of doing!!
Post # 5
No you’re not wrong to be disappointed, and if people are unable to make it, they really SHOULD tell you.
I have a different take on the gift thing–and many people will differ with this, but I think that traditional etiquette says no one is required to give you anything for coming to your wedding. I subscribe to the etiquette logic that says you’re inviting people to share in the event with you–it’s sort of like hosting a dinner party in which case a hostess gift is customary, but it’s not poor *etiquette* for someone to show up empty-handed. This is something that I’ve read in etiquette books, so I’m not alone in this–the only time I’d ever NOT give a gift is if I wasn’t going to the wedding and I wasn’t close to the couple. But you should know at the very least that this etiquette does exist out there and other people may be following it.
And this speaks to my ultimate point–your wedding is over and your married life is just beginning. You’re making yourself unhappy keeping all this resentment. There’s nothing you can do–you can’t get your $40/head back; you can’t badger people into giving you gifts. Maybe you’ll let this change your opinion of those people, but you’re really just making yourself unhappy at this point. Focus on all the things that were great about your wedding and all the things that will make your marriage great.
Post # 6
Some people have no idea the money that goes into each guest! This happened to FIs sister also, she was very budget oriented and couldnt help being upset when people didnt show. If you wanted to let those people know you missed them at the weddding, you could send something that says “we missed you at the wedding, hope all is well!”. It will show that you are thinking of them and you may get some explanation out of it (or a card haha). I also agree with the pp though, you are newly wed, just remember the wonderful things about the wedding and start your life together! 🙂
Post # 7
Yes your “friends” should send an apology and a check to cover their expense. People are so rude!
But no one should be required to bring you a gift. They were there to share the day with you. A gift is just an extra thought.
Post # 8
I know I should and need to focus on the positive it just so frustrating and hurtful especially with the friends that did not come, it just makes me so mad. Its just a situation of you find out who your friends are, I guess.
Post # 9
I think the only way around the rsvp-yes-but-don’t-shw-up guests is to have a smaller wedding, just inviting those people who you know wouldn’t miss it for the world. Unfortunately for family politics reasons I can’t do that! I’m pretty worried about it! eeek!
Post # 10
I was really worried about this before my wedding. I was actually surprised that EVERYONE came. One couple, didn’t show up until right before dinner, but at least they came. They happen to be the “etiquette rejects” of our wedding. I was so pissed when I did not see them at the ceremony or cocktails hour. They RSVPed two weeks late for the wedding, and then wrote in their two kids names-who were not invited. We emailed them and called several times without response to let them know that the only kids that were coming were in the brial party. Finally they answered one night when we called again-“oh yeah we got your message” WTF you couldn’t reply. Then when they finally do show up they started a fight with one of the aunts and made her cry. Their reason for being late “oh the kids wanted a ride to their friends.” Ugh! One of them is old enough to drive, and you had a save the date 15 MONTHS in advance. Then they left as soon as dinner. They did bring a card and a generous check, but seriously what is wrong with people!
I think you have every right to be angry and I personally wish that every RSVP-yes-and-don’t come person has a wedding in which eveyone RSVPs yes and NO ONE comes! I think if you have already had your wedding and you dare to do that to someone else you should be struck by lightening.
Post # 11
- Wedding: May 2011 - Bartram's Garden
Try not to take it personally. Some people just don’t have manners, period. I’m sure they weren’t trying to hurt you.
Then again, nobody is required to give a gift. A card would’ve been nice, though.
Post # 12
I think that unless you’re on a wedding message board reguarly or have recently planned a wedding, it’s not really common knowledge how much work/energy the couple puts into planning guest list, etc. While it’s frustrating that they rsvpd and then failed to show, you never know what might have been going on in their own lives that kept them from attending. Of course your feelings are totally valid, but I think it’s really just a waste of energy to focus on who didn’t show or who didn’t give a card/gift, etc, because you’re the only one who is negatively affected by that. They don’t know you’ve got their number and are pondering their faux pas. Maybe they WILL get around to sending a gift, or note of apology for not making it in time.