Post # 1
I got engaged in June we are getting married in December. We have both been married before, so although we are having a wedding it is a very small affair. We are having 21 guests, just a small cake and champagne reception. As small as I have been keeping this, it is still my wedding and joining my life to a man that I really love. I want it to be special and meaningful in every way. My Fiance has not been into the wedding planning, he has helped pick out music but really other than that I have done everything, made the invitations, done all the floral arangments in silk, picked out the cake, the champagne, the cake topper. Othen than in a picture he has not even taken the time to go out and see the venue with me. At first because he continue to tell me that he just doesn’t know how to do this and wants this day to be “my special day” and what ever I want I can have, I haven’t said too much about how much it hurts that he isn’t more involved. Until this week, his baby girl (26) got engaged over the weekend. I am so happy for them both. She is a wonderful girl and I have only a son. So having girls is wonderful. All his kids are great to me and never forget a Mothers day or birthday for me. I love them like my own. But all of a sudden he is all about wedding plans – HERS! I am not saying I don’t want him to be excited about his daughters wedding, but it hurts that he has paid practically no attention to our wedding and now is all talk about his daughters wedding. Then the final blow last night I finly said something about my hurt feelings and he said ” well, ours is not as big of a deal”. He claims now that what he meant was in size. But he has already shown more interest in her wedding in three days than he has in ours in three months.
He thinks that I am jealous of his children. I am not jealous, I just want our wedding to be as “big of a deal” in his heart as her’s is. Not bigger, just equal. She is unaware of any of this going on, it is not her in anyway.
What are your thoughs Hive. Am I wrong? What can i say or do, or do i just let it go….help. I am really hurting.
Post # 3
Ugh, this is tough. I have no suggestions on this. I don’t think you are being unreasonable. Just because its not the first marriage does not mean it isn’t every bit as special. ((HUGS))
Post # 4
@december bride: You might not want to hear this but I think he made a freudian slip and he actually meant that it ‘wasn’t a big deal’ to him. Showing absolutely no interest in your wedding and then gushing about wedding plans is weird. If he didn’t care about weddings he would tell his daughter to pick whatever she wanted and that he didn’t care to view it…just as he did with your plans.
I don’t think you are out of line or jealous at all. Although I am not sure how to help you, I do think your feelings are completely valid.
Post # 5
It sounds like he’s seeing them as different things. Is this the first wedding for either of you?
The focus he’s giving his daughter’s wedding is probably coming from a different place – that of a parent. I don’t know either of you, obviously, but looking at it that way I can totally understand how the approaches might be different.
When you do talk to him about it (and you should, it’s better not to sit on things), just be careful about how you do so. Don’t make it about his daughter – it shouldn’t be anyway, and it doesn’t sound like you’re trying to make it that. Use specifics and “I feel” statements. Maybe find out where he’s coming from, and how he sees each wedding and why.
Post # 6
You are dealing with a grown man and his daughter, its a difficult thing to be in-between. Its a special relationship between them and both of you have been married in the past. Maybe he is trying to make his daughter feel better because you two are getting married as well which could be weird. if haven’t already, just be honest in where you feel he is lacking enthusiasm or what makes you tick . You are just as important 🙂
Post # 7
@december bride: No, you are not wrong. I’m so sorry you’re hurting. Have a romantic dinner with him and explain at that point
“I love you. This is a wonderful night and reminds me of when we first met. I want our wedding to be special because I love you so much. Do you see where I’m coming from? It’s wonderful that ________ is enaged! I love her like my own…But I love you too and it hurts that you don’t think our wedding is just as important.”
If he dosen’t react well to that, I’m not sure what else to advise 🙁
Post # 8
I’d tell him what you told us. But maybe a bit more diplomatically. Tell him you would love it if he were more involved, and explain to him what you want him to do.
Post # 9
@Eva Peron: agreed. Daddy/daughter can be a pretty unconquerable bond when it’s done correctly. Maybe the way your Fiance see’s it is as: No matter what he will end up with you, so the wedding part isn’t a super huge deal, he’ll be with you regardless. However, his daughter will be ‘not his’ after her wedding, so he has to enjoy every second of it whilst she’s still his? I don’t know, total shot in the dark, but sometimes guys think that way =)
Post # 10
Honestly, I think you’re overwhelmed with the planning and maybe that’s why this is getting to you. That’s his baby, and daughters bring out a mushy side in men that no girlfriend, wife, puppy, anything could ever compare to (I am also a stepmom to a great kid, and never felt jealousy either, so I understand how you feel about her). My Fiance is all work boots and power tools, but will play pretty pretty princess with his daughter for hours. It’s just how they are.
You are a grown woman who is completely capable of planning on your own, and he knows you’ll get whatever you want. He thinks you have it covered. When it comes to her, he’s probably used to being there for guidance and support when she needs him, because his job is to protect her and make everything easy for her. He’s approaching your wedding how most fiance’s do and his daughter’s wedding how lots of fathers do, it’s just a little tough to have them both happening at the same time. He may also feel like he’s making up for any lost time by being as involved as possible.
I don’t think you’re feelings are wrong at all, just tell him SPECIFIC things you need him to do to help take the pressure off of you. It’s not that her wedding means more to him, it’s just he’s caught up in the excitement of his little girl getting married, men don’t get nearly as excited about their own weddings haha
Post # 11
This must suck, I am sorry. However, I will say that when my father remarried – he did the same thing – left all the details to his soon to be wife because realistically most men of a certain generation aren’t really into the fine details, In My Humble Opinion.
Unfortunately, when I got engaged, my father was also disinterested. And I had to tell him to act at least act one ounce interested. He’s still useless in this respect!
You may need a word with him to relay your feelings.
Post # 12
You need to go on a date just you guys. Then you need to tell him how you are feeling and why. Why is his marriage not just as important to him as his daughters??
Post # 13
Thanks so much for all the honesty and the ((hug!)) we are both at work and so I sent him an e-mail. This was of course after hours of face to face conversation that went no where no last night. This is his reply –
“I apologize that I have not met your expectations and will work to improve. The importenence of things are not always valued the same for partners. I truly want the wedding to be as nice as it can be for you. It’s more important that it’s what you want than myself”
As you can see he is a good man and does really love me. But this is what continues to hurt me… Wording like “The Wedding” never “Our wedding” “nice as it can be for you” Not us , just me. Why does he not under stand that if he really wants it to be what I want then listen to what I want. I want it to be OUR wedding, I want a partner to be invlolved in the planning. Isn’t that after all what a wedding / marriage is all about. What ever happened to “The Two Shall Become One”. I guess it really get frustrating when I think of the hours I have spent watching camera footage from his deer lease – like that was really my thing?? I made it important to me becasue it is important to him. ( I tell you girls you have not lived until you have watched 45 mins of deer eating corn from a feeder) LOL
Post # 14
@december bride: first of all, the deer footage thing!? wow! he’s lucky to have you!!!
secondly, I just watched the SATC movie again the other night, and now that I am engaged and planning a wedding myself I had a totally new perspective on Carrie and Big’s relationship! I’m not sure if you’ve seen it, but he was totally uninterested in the wedding plans and she gets really upset, and then he says to her ‘this is my third marriage. Don’t you see how embarrassing this is for me?’ And he tells her he just wants to go the the JoP. Because being with her and being married to her is more important that the actual wedding for him. So i wonder if because this is your man’s second marriage, maybe he feels like he doesn’t deserve to get all excited about it? Or that he ‘shouldn’t’. Maybe he feels it’s more socially acceptable for him to be excited about his daughter’s wedding?
I don’t know. Part of me is kind of envious because i would LOVE my Fiance to back off on the wedding plans!! If he left it all up to me I would be THRILLED! ha! i guess no matter what we’re never happy eh?! good luck!
Post # 15
I think he’s…. being a guy. I’m sorry, I know that sounds silly. He’s excited for his “little girl” and it’s a big step for her whereas he might not see a very small wedding as needing as much planning (though we women know, it still takes a ton of planning!!). What year was his first wedding? I’m guessing over 26 years ago. I’m also guessing his former wife and Mother-In-Law did all the work and he was just expected to show up, know what I mean?
Post # 16
@blu77: You are probably right. Let me think his first wedding was around 1976 my first was in 1987. I am sure his first wife and Mother-In-Law did it all. I guess with all the “I want it your way” and “I want you to be happy” I would have thought he could understand when I ask him to be involved that this was important to me. Because it is such a small wedding I have no attendants, my mother is blind and simply can’t really help. I have no sisters. I can’t ask friends please help me plan my wedding but you’re not going to be invited because it is so small we are only having family. And now most of that family is planning the daughters wedding. I think, like one of the other girls said I am over whelmed and emotions are getting to me. I feel like a whiny baby and yet I really am hurt by his lack of understanding that I want him to be excited for us just like I am excited for his daughter.