Post # 1
Ugh bees, can I get a little perspective on this?
Here’s the story:
One of my BM is kinda flaky. And before we bought the BM dresses (well took them to purchase them) I sent a mass email to all my BM laying out the details, and how if they couldn’t participate in the wedding that was fine, just let me know (the email was sent for another BM who then bowed out due to financial reasons). So I was left with my three (including flaky one). We bought the dresses back in Jan.
Fast forward to now, where she’s asking me details about the wedding schedule, etc. I KNEW it was because she has something else going on that she wasn’t telling me about. She was asking things like “how much time between reception and ceremony will we have?” and “when’s the reception start?” And I knew there was a potential conflict.
I should also note that our ceremony is at 12:30 and reception starts at 4:30pm (ends around 8:30) due to time slots at the venues and travel time between them.
Then she tells me this exact message:
Ok, here’s the thing. My mom is turning 50 on July 2nd. I can’t stay for the whole reception, because we are
having a surprise party for her in the evening, which will probably start around 6/7pm. Are you okay with me
not being able to stay for the whole reception until it ends? **I am definitely going to be there the whole
entire day though, just not the whole entire evening for reception….please don’t be mad =(***”
It really really bugs me and hurts my feelings. I just think that she should have known that being in the bridal party meant that the day was taken up, and to plan for a full day of stuff before planning her mom’s party. It’s not like she didn’t know it was her mom’s bday, and that they might have a party. I didn’t even know until NOW that the day conflicted with her bday. I honestly don’t know what to say, and my rash, stubborn part of my brain just wants to say “you know what, just don’t worry about coming to the wedding” (total bridezilla moment!)
It really hurts my feelings. I don’t know what to tell her or what to think. Help?
Post # 3
Thats a bummer 🙁
I dont think there is much you can say or do in this situation. She will be there most of the night, and all day while you get ready which I think is the most important part. Plus, it sounds like she already scheduled the party. I would just tell her you are disappointed she wont be there for the whole night and leave it at that.
Post # 4
Humm.. that’s a difficult one. Tell her you understand but you thought back when you asked her to be a BM that she would be able to stay the whole evening to help clean up and arrange things but if it’s no way to get around it you totally understand. –That’s what I would do
Post # 5
I think you have a right to be upset. yuo want your friend to celebrate with you. I think you should tell her as nicely as possible, that you are a lil hurt that she won’t be able to share one of the most special times with you and politely request that she stay for a little bit longer. if it is absolutely imperative that she meet her mom their for the aha surprise moment, then I would let this one go. She will be with you the whole day and for 2 hours of a 4 hour reception. not terrible.
Post # 6
@heather25: I agree, but the thing is, our reception venue is 1 hr away from her house, so for her to be there for a surprise means she will leave before dinner even starts. =( this rotts
Post # 7
Okay I understand you are hurt, as I would be to if in this situation. However your friend may have not known about the bday party until just recently. Yes she knew it was her mom’s bday but someone else might be planning the party. And it sounds like she wants to do both. So I would talk to her and try to work out any hard feelings. And try to be understanding because it sounds like she is conflicted.
Post # 8
Of course you are hurt. She must have known that it was her mother’s birthday when she accepted to be your bridesmaid and should have raised that as a possible conflict.
On the other hand, it is natural that she is conflicted. It’s a surprise party for her mom. How can she not attend?
I think the generous and kind-spirited thing to do is to thank her for telling you, let her know that you understand her dilemna and revise any plans you may have made for her to participate in clean up.
Post # 9
@M.Ruder: I understand why you are hurt. If I was her I would just not be there for the surprise and show up to my Mom’s party late. However, I’m a recent bride and understand the impact that not being there could have on a bride. I’m assuming that she’s single and hasn’t been through this (right?) so she isn’t understanding what you are going through.
Post # 10
It sounds like she’s trying to spread herself too thin here. Obviously you are very important to her and she is trying really hard to be there for you as much as possible. I think it’s okay to be a little upset that she didn’t tell you earlier, but then focus on the fact that she is really trying to participate in the wedding and support you as a friend
Post # 11
Look, although it’s a huge bummer for you, realize that her life doesn’t stop for your wedding. She’s probably known about her mom’s birthday for way longer, and although it would have been nice to explain the situation sooner realize that her family comes first and that you won’t miss one person for a few hours. It’s okay, just tell her it’s fine – and then make sure to spend the time with her that you have.
Post # 12
She may have committed to your wedding hoping that it would work out somehow, even though she might have known deep down that it wouldn’t. Something similar happened with one of my BM’s, I just wished her well and told her we’d celebrate another time. It sounds like she feels pretty bad about it already; it’s OK to be hurt but try and be understanding.
Post # 13
Tell her you think the situation sucks and you’re sad she has to leave early, but you’re happy she can at least be with you for the majority of the day. Enjoy and appreciate her while she’s there and send her off with a hug. In the long run, you’ll look back and be glad you did.
Post # 14
That does suck. She probably knew that it was her mom’s b-day.. but she probably didn’t know they were going to plan a huge party for it. So now there is a dilemma. I wouldn’t be mad that she can’t be there for the whole reception. You’re probably not going to see her that much even if she did stay. There are so many people tugging at you and wanting to talk to you. I would give her the benefit of the doubt and just let her leave after y’all cut the cake and have first dances, etc.
Post # 15
Personally I think its unacceptable for a BM to not be able to stay for the duration of the reception. She knew she was in your wedding before her moms party was planned. Birthday parties especially suprise parties dont have to be the exact same day as the birthday. Besides birthdays come every year, weddings come once in a lifetime [usually] I would honestly be very very hurt angry and upset if my BM did this. If I was planning my moms birthday party and knew I was a bm in a wedding I would postpone the party to the enxt weekend or another day. We did a surprise birthday party for my dad one week before his actual birthday, he loved it and was expecting it even less
Post # 16
Just found out that her step-dad only told her about the party two days ago, and they originally planned on just going out to eat (btw, she didn’t tell me that either!) I don’t know. It really stings because she does things like this all the time. I also feel that they should be there for the entire day. Because so often, brides complain about other people who get married before them (I admit, I do this as well) and are told we get ONE day. Is it so bad that I want my best friend to be there for the entire day?!
Oh well, there’s really nothing I can do about it. She’s going to do what she wants in the end anyways.