(Closed) I am so tired of being the “housewife”….

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
1313 posts
Bumble bee

YES YES AND YES! I feel your pain on many levels. With that being said, I don’t have a ton of advice but I can tell you that you’re not alone.

I tried boycotting cleaning the house and it got so bad I couldn’t stand it. I didn’t ask him to do anything, I just wanted to see if he would take the initiative. NOT!

I did have a sit down talk with him though after that and it helped a little bit. Now, when I ask him he always does it.

I too want to yell at him sometimes “WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR???”… It’s just frustrating… and out of our control unfortunately :/

I keep hearing that it will all be worth the wait, as I’m sure it will be… but it’s not easy, that’s for sure.

Good luck!!!

Post # 5
Member
3758 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I am a firm believer in being a housewife…..IF you are a wife and staying home to do so. me and my fiance came to an agreement a while ago that if either one of us were at home jobless then that person would take care of house and kids BUT if we were both working we would come up with a plan to split the housework. I think it is truly unfair for a person to have to work AND do all of the house work but maybe thats just me 😉

Post # 7
Member
2820 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

Tell him to start putting away his dishes. Tell him that you expect him to start doing laundry, vacuuming, etc. at least occasionally. Make up a chore chart if you want to. DO NOT just automatically do everything for him. (i.e. Put your own dishes in the dishwasher when you’re done with them, but leave his out on the counter if that’s where he left them.)

On the other hand, if the only reason you’re frustrated about this is that you’re not engaged…maybe you should have thought about that before you moved in with him? (Not that I think it’s a bad thing that you did — but if you have such a visceral reaction to having to perform the activities of married life without being married, then maybe you have a problem with it.)

Post # 8
Member
174 posts
Blushing bee

I know exactly how you feel!

Although I by no means have this one entirely figured out, may I suggest that you assert to him that he is officially in charge of some of the more “manly” chores.  Taking out the trash/recycling.  Taking care of the yard.  Dusting electronics (which we all know attract more dust than anything).  Switching out the HVAC filter.  Being in charge of the meat when you cook.  If you get him to do that stuff, that’ll leave you with laundry, dishes, and cooking sides.  And tell him you’ll do bathroom surfaces if he’ll do the toilet since he’s the one that pees all over it. 

Maybe this will get him started and take some of the load off of you.

Post # 9
Member
365 posts
Helper bee

I think getting a ring and being his wife won’t make it any easier, you’ll still be stuck doing everything!!  

Time for a roster me thinks!  Same with the roommate cousin 😀   Really, you need a roster otherwise you’ll get taken for granted for the rest of your life.

Post # 10
Member
988 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2009

If you don’t work, I don’t see the big deal in you doing the cleaning.  If you do work as well, then you need to  have a serious conversation about the inequality and expectations that each other has around household duties.  As for the marriage, make it clear to him what your expectations are now and that you wont stick around if it doesn’t happen

Post # 11
Member
6015 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

I agree w/previous posters… after the ring and the wedding … you’re still going to be doing it all ….   I think your feeling taken advantage of … so maybe if you bust the chores up, him doing the more manly ones (like PP suggested) that should lower your level of frustation.

Post # 12
Member
714 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@katydiddle:  Oh hell no.  You’re picking up after the cousin too?!? 

Time to first sit your SO down and talk about a fair division of chores for all THREE of you.  Then you both TELL the cousin what he’s responsible for (and not just cleaning up after himself – he should be contributing the the household if he’s living there). 

There is no reason in the world that you should have to come home to dirty dishes (particularly if you have a dishwasher), or if he’s home during the day he can’t start dinner at least half the time and do some laundry and occasionally clean the bathroom and dust and vaccum.  He lives in the house too and he is just as responsible for keeping it up.  This would be true even if you were married. 

Post # 13
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

Yeah um, not cool.  Hubs and I both work full time, and I’ll be damned if I do all the housework. I am NOT a housewife!!  So usually during the week I cook and he cleans the kitchen, and then on the weekends we clean the whole house together

Post # 14
Member
177 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@katydiddle: “House wife” usually implies that your primary work is working in the home in the form of unpaid labor (dishes, cleaning, cooking, etc.) It sounds like you both have jobs outside of the home, which means that you’re working two jobs.

I don’t understand how being engaged will make the situation better for you, but you know that best. However, I would recommend a serious conversation about how household labor is going to be divided up. If you plan to have children, its a good idea to figure this out ahead of time, both for dividing parenting roles and for setting a good model for your sons to not be dependent on women, and for your daughters to not feel they have to do everything for men.

Here are a few tips I’ve given to men I’ve worked with in the past (in group therapy settings around domestic violence, but they are good for everyone)

1. Sit down and make a list of things that need to be done daily, weekly, monthly (ex: dishes are daily, laundry is weekly, maybe mopping floors is monthly). Then divide up responsibilities. Make sure everyone is comfortable and feels like there is an equitable distribution.

2. Daily get together, put on some music, and set a timer for 15 minutes. Clean. Weekly do the same thing, but for 30 minutes. It goes fast, and can be fun to do together.

If one of you have has different standards about how things need to be kept, you will need to compromise. For example, I can’t stand when the apartment gets messy because it makes me anxious- I feel like I have a million things to do. My partner could care less. However, I’ve tried to loosen up, and he’s tried to do more. I ignore “his spaces” like his side of the bed and his desk, and he usually remembers to bring dirty dishes into the kitchen.

Good luck!

Post # 15
Member
19 posts
Newbee

Are you my long lost sister?

MY HOME SITUATION IS EXACTLY THE SAME.

His cousin lives with us too, something that we NEVER agreed on but he invited him to live with us anyway, and NEITHER ONE OF THEM HELP ME. I once didn’t take out the trash for two weeks to see if they would notice and they DIDN’T. I work a full time job and do gymnastics 10+ hours a week and I get so exhausted sometimes I just start crying.

This reply isn’t helpful…but I feel a little better inside because I was beginning to think I was the only person with an SO that won’t help and a roommate that is just as bad. I feel taken advantage of a lot and it takes a toll on our relationship because he does not understand why I feel like noone cares about how I feel and that I am just expected to do it. Meanwhile, the cousin plays video games until 2am and my SO just …avoids helping. I’ve personally given up on trying to get them to help.

Post # 16
Member
1030 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Sounds like this has nothing to do with a ring – would you really be that much happier in this situation if you had one? As others have said, you guys need to have a serious talk about division of labor in the house. No fair you get stuck with so much more to do, ring or not – the ring isn’t going to change anything.

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