(Closed) I am starting to hate him…..why can't I let go?

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
2459 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

Oh sweetie, you need to leave, especially as you already feel hatred towards him. I’m sure if your parents could see what u have to put up with, they would agree too!

Post # 4
Member
2878 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 1996

@beehidden:  You can’t and SHOULDN’T let it go. This is it. Time to take some deep breaths and walk away. Believe me, I know it isn’t easy, but if your FI has an alcohol problem and issues with treating your child respectfully, that’s one more reason than you need. Your parents will understand. They would rather you are happy and emotionally safe. PLEASE don’t go through with the marriage. You will regret it.

Post # 5
Member
146 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

If money is the only reason you’re staying, think of it this way, it’s cheaper to walk away now than to get the divorce.  And please note, divorce is the best case scenario.  You could end up hurt if he becomes abusive.  Don’t walk away, RUN!

Post # 6
Member
51 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Find your local ALANON chapter– they’ll be able to help you so much mroe than we will.

 

Post # 7
Member
1353 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

Have you told your parents? I guarantee you they won’t care how much money they have spent, they will want you to be happy and enter a good marriage. 

Post # 8
Member
84 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

You can’t let go because your instincts are trying to save you from a miserable marriage- listen to them!

“I am not a strong enough person to cope with or try to help him.”

This has nothing to do with your strength, and you will absolutely not be helping by staying with someone who is in denial. He has to make the decision to get help and it sounds like he’s far from that. The strong thing to do here is to protect yourself, which will be exponentially easier if you walk away BEFORE the marriage.

Post # 9
Member
635 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Leave. Now. You are far too valuable a person to live a life like this. And, if you need a more practical reason, a divorce would be so much more expensive than any losses you and your family might incur from cancelling the wedding.

Post # 11
Member
141 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

As the wife of a recovering alcoholic, I understand completely what you are going through.

My husband had a VERY difficult time admitting he had a problem and moving forward.  It came down to me leaving, coming back, and then him going into treatment.  It took my husband, and my husband alone, to hit his lowest point and to move forward.

Since rehab/treatment, along with medication for anxiety (most often accompanying issues with alcohol), he is a changed man.

If he is being nasty, you have two options – 1.  Leave  2.  Talk to him sensitively and seriously about his issue.  If he doesn’t get it, he doesn’t get it.

I also attended ALANON meetings, and saw a counselor.  They helped me realize that I have zero control over my husband and his drinking.  You can’t change a person, they have to want to change.  

Please, PM me if you would like to chat more.  Believe me, I know exactly how you feel.

Post # 12
Member
282 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Honey, get out!  Don’t stick around just because money has been spent.  Do it now, don’t go into a marriage unhappy. 

Post # 13
Member
807 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

Big hugs to you.

You are not a bad person or an unsupportive person if you leave. You cannot change his behavior by hoping or wishing that he will be different, or by sacrificing your well-being. You deserve a man who will face down his demons. 

Do not marry him just because your parents have invested money in the wedding–your happiness, safety, and your FI’s sobriety are so, so much more important than money. Find someone to talk to and support you–this is not about you being “strong enough” but you do need someone to lean on.

 

Post # 14
Member
1 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: February 2013

I went through the same thing with my first fiancee.

He was a drunk, a terrible drunk. He had promised me he would go to rehab so many times, that he would go to AA. He never did. We almost lost our house because he spent the mortgage money on booze.

There really is a point where to know that enough is enough, and it looks like you are there now.

 The day before I was going to put the deposit on the chapel, I ended it. My parents had already paid quite a bit of money for things.

I went to my parents and told them what happened. They were honestly happy that I decided to leave.

At the end of the day, your parents care more about you than money. They will love you no matter what you decide – the most important thing is to do what is right for you.

Be strong.

(interesting side note: I’m now engaged to a wonderful man who is staight edge, and everyday I’m thankful)

Post # 15
Member
238 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Your parents are more invested in you than they ever would be in any wedding…I agree with @MrsPom:. You should never feel that money is a factor in making a HUGE life decision like marriage.  

Post # 16
Member
459 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I am soo sorry you’re going through this right now! There is absolutely no chance of this getting better for you if you don’t speak up. I was in the same situation once and I know it’s so hard. If you do not want to marry him, which it doesn’t sound like you do, DON’T. You will regret it later. You’re parents will not care how much money they invested in your wedding. They obviously love you and care about you enough to invest in you being happy on your wedding day, so what makes you think that they don’t care about you being happy for the rest of your life?? The amount of money, or even your parents opinion, should not be a deciding factor in whether or not you marry him. The decision should be based solely on your relationship with each other. It is important to be happy, it’s important to not feel like your FI is gonna turn into a nasty person before the nights over. That doesn’t sound like you’re getting a good deal. Talk to him…and if it’s not important enough to talk about, then reevaluate things, but don’t let your parents’ investment be a deciding factor.

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