I am such an idiot.

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
1882 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@SadGator:  It just sounds like neither of these guys is the right man for you and you’re holding on even though you know this. Is it because you don’t want to be alone? I know being single can be lonely, but I think it’s really valuable to have some time on your own to focus on your needs and work on yourself rather than expending that energy on a relationship. If it’s because you don’t want to hurt your SO, well… I think continuing the relationship when your heart isn’t in it is hurtful to him too. I’m sure he notices that you aren’t exactly hot for him. Let him move on, focus on yourself, enjoy being single and have fun with your friends, and the right person will come along when you’re ready.    

Post # 4
Member
1248 posts
Bumble bee

@SadGator:  im sorry you’re dealing with this, sounds like you’ve got yourself into a real pickle here.

My best friend cheated on her DH then BF. Her DH was, still is, a bit of an asshole. Says harsh things, is a stick in the mud, makes her feel stupid. But she loves him & she has a son she fell in love with too (which i think is the only reason they’re still together). Anyways, she cheated on him w a guy who was just soOoOo romantic. (barf) he swept her off her feet, took her on dates, gave her flowers, made her feel beautiful and special. But he was a loser. Had nothing going for him except his romantic words. Well her DH, then BF, discovered texts and she supposedly confessed everything and he supposedly wanted to work it out. (i’m sure it wasnt that smooth, but thats how she tells it. Plus if he was that OK with making it work, he must have been guilty as well). So they “work it out”, a few months later he proposes, now they’ve been married for a year & a half. And their relationship is crap. Hes a cop, brings that attitude home with him. She found out he was inappropriately texting some mutual friend skank. But they’re “working it out.” IDK. I think once the trust is broken in a relationship from cheating, it’s never fully repaired. Ever. My dad was a serial cheater on my mom and i am SOOOO glad they aren’t together. It will never be the same.

If i were you, i’d move on, try to forget about both of these guys and start fresh with someone new. You & they deserve that.

Post # 6
Member
1882 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@SadGator:  if you think the problem is your affair and not incompatibility, I strongly suggest you guys talk to a counselor, therapist, or a spiritual leader at your church or temple if you are religious. Someone who is impartial and can help you to communicate. I think you guys will continue being miserable if something doesn’t change.

 

Post # 7
Member
7664 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

Sorry to **** on your cornflakes, but it sounds like neither of these are the right man for you. There’s too much history, too much heartache and confusion, and too much mess. It’s too complicated.

I know it sounds horrible and hard… but how sure are you that your SO really the one for you?

Post # 8
Member
2169 posts
Buzzing bee

@SadGator:  I’ve had experience with getting through an episode of infidelity in two previous relationships, and honestly IMO it only works when both people are able to get past the infidelity and let it go completely. In my experience, letting it go means getting to the point where the affair is essentially forgotten about. I don’t know if that’s the correct way to do it, but that has been my experience. I’m sure lots of couples have lots of different things that worked for them. Your situation seems quite complicated. I think it’s complicated enough that if you think the affair is the main problem, I highly suggest counseling at this point. You’ll need to find a good counselor and that person should help you talk though things with your SO.

If you want a starting point of what to read/where to look, I really like Dr. John Gottman’s research. I think he even has a counseling system, but I’m not sure. Anyway, he books called What Makes Love Last? How to Build Trust and Avoid Betrayal and The Science of Trust: Emotional Attunement for Couples that seem as if they might be helpful for you. The first book has chapters devoted to infidelity and the second one is about trust. I haven’t read these books in particular, but I thought Gottman’s Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work was brilliant, which is why I recommend his books as a starting point. If you want to know more about this man, here is a clip of him talking: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LLXX8wzvT7c.

Good luck!

Post # 9
Member
1745 posts
Bumble bee

Like others have already said, I don’t think either of these men is right for you. 

It seems that you aren’t compatible with your SO. You could try to work on the relationship, but I don’t see that as logical. Why try to make two seemingly incompatible people work in a relationship when they could just break up and find people they are compatible with? Why force a relationship through counseling and “working on it” when each person could go off on their own and find an actual good match for themselves? Your cheating isn’t the real issue, even though it did cause problems. Your apparent incompatibilty with each other is the real issue.

As for the other guy, well, it sounds like you may be infatuated with him, but that doesn’t mean you and he would be good together. Strong feelings are often just that — feelings. 

Not being with either of these men seems like the prudent choice to me. 

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