Post # 1
….I am so nervous about getting married next week because I don’t like what my life in the near future looks like.
I love my fiance, he is a wonderful man, but in the past year my life has done a complete 180 and I am not happy at all about it. A year ago my fiance was laid off from his job at a prestigious law firm in a major US city. Because of all of his accomplishments, we were confident that he would find something soon in the same area – the city where I am from and where we were currently living and where I was working. But as I am sure many of you know, the legal market completely tanked and he was unable to find something for 8 months. I didn’t like the idea of him looking for a job out of state but we didn’t have much of a choice. If we waited much longer, we would have had to dip into his savings for our house downpayment to live. Long story short, he ultimately found a position at a wonderful, Fortune 100 company. Unfortunately, this job is located far away from all my family and friends and forces us to live in a very rural area. I realize I should be greatful that he found such a good job (despite a large paycut) but it forced me to leave my job and the city I love living in, where my family and friends are. We moved here together 4 months ago and I hate it. I hate not working. I hate that we are living in a state that has higher unemployment than the national average and it has been near impossible for me to find any work. There are also no universities nearby so I can’t go back to school – which was something I was seriously considering before. My fiance loves living here, we are in his home state. He keeps telling me I will learn to love living here and I will find a job soon. I don’t think he ever wants to move back to the city we were living in previously. Before I met my FI, I had planned on working for a couple years to pay down my UGrad debt and then go to law school. My life has completely changed and I feel like I don’t have control over what is happening. FI doesn’t want me to go to law school because he thinks it is 1. too expensive, 2. very, very difficult to find a job right now, 3. there are no law schools near us, and 4. he wants to start a family. I feel guilty telling him I don’t like living here and I want to leave because he is doing extremely well at this job. I don’t know what I want anyone to say about this but I just needed to vent, I don’t know what to do and I am so scared that I am on the brink of living someone else’s life instead of my own.
Post # 3
What a tough situation – I’m so sorry that you’re going through this.
I think the key is going to be to talk about it and make it clear that you have these real and valid concerns. Don’t let him dismiss you. You have just over a week until your wedding and I think you are right to want to figure things out. I know what it’s like to live far from family and friends and for me the trade off was to be with him I am here but in my heart of hearts I want to go home eventually. We haven’t set any timelines and for now we are staying put. If I were in your situation I would want to talk through all of it and make him listen – don’t let him tell you what’s best although I’m sure he just wants you to be okay with the current situation. There are worse things than being away from your friends and family and worse things than not having a job but it is a lot to cope with, especially all at once.
Four months is a pretty short period of time to give yourself to get used to living where you are – would you be willing to give it a year and ask him to review your situation then? Maybe there are places you could volunteer so that you start to make friends and network – that might help lead to a job?
I hope you find some comfort so that you’re not as overwhelmed or frustrated and I hope it gets better soon!
Post # 4
You really need to talk to him about this. You need to build a life that is going to work for both of you and he needs to understand why this is a problem for you. It is one thing if this is temporary due to the economy. Realistically, everyone has to make sacrifices right now because jobs are hard to get, but you need to talk through this with him and make a long term plan that will make both of you happy.
Post # 5
One of the only things I can say is this, as a lawyer who has been working only sporadically since 2008 and lives in NYC, I would not, ever, ever, ever, tell anyone I know to go to law school EXCEPT if it’s free. However, I understand where you are coming from. I live in NYC now but my guy has been making noises about leaving and going somewhere else. I heard something about Kentucky once and I freaked!!! All our friends are heree. I really truly understand how you feel. Is it a possibility for you guys to live apart, i.e., you work where you used to live and he lives where he is now and you have a long distance marriage for a while until you find a job nearer him? Not a good solution but it will help you a bit. Sorry about your conundrum.
Post # 6
I think what you guys need is a PLAN that you come up with together. Set a timeline for you getting a job or establishing a lifestyle that you are comfortable with. As the economy improves, you guys will have more options to move and have the lifestyle you really want. I think that as long as both of you are on board with making this a temporary move, and with reevaluating the situation regularly, this could be a small blip in an otherwise great marriage. Have you looked into online degrees? Are there any volunteer opportunities that interest you? Any hobbies you’d like to develop? I know if I was in your situation, I would be honing and polishing my photography skills and looking for jobs in that realm. Hope this helps – all you can really do is TALK and have a PLAN to move towards something that makes both of you happy!
Post # 7
I second the online grad degree. I happen to work for an online university as well. You can do it from home and complete your Master’s soooo much more quickly online than you can at a campus.
As for the rest of your situation, I agree that you need to have an open conversation about how you are feeling. Even though you are living in a rural area, are there businesses that you could work for? Maybe it’s not this awesome dream job in your field but at least it gives you something to do to bide your time until you guys maybe move back to the old city. You might make some friends there and be able to at least deal with the current situation better.
Post # 8
I’m so sorry you feel rotten!!
but I second Anancara when I say that 4 months isn’t that long to give something a chance. i’m not sure if this helps or hurts, but it when I moved to NYC in 2005 it took me about 15 months to stop hating this city (and now I’m still here 5 years later). I know it might sound impossible to compare your situation to me moving to the Big Apple, but I literally hated every single thing about New York and my life here and cried everynight….for over a year. Now I wouldn’t change anything.
The point of me telling you this is it possible to find happiness where you are. The “life gives you lemons” quote sounds trite, but give it time. You are with the man you love, which is more than what a lot of people can say — and if you are ready to say vows together, then you’ll also find your life together…even if it’s not the career path you originally decided.
sorry this doesn’t help in the short term….but I hope you know that long term, you’ll be ok.
Post # 9
It sounds like your husband is just in charge here and making decisions based on what he likes. You need to sit down and have a conversation about a life together that you will both like. Moving away from family and friends is a pain that eases over time. Moving to a rural location with no job and no school is a pain that will get worse and you will end up resenting your husband. You shouldn’t have to be a stay-at-home mom just because your husband wants to have a family, and doesn’t want to spend money on school or move. He is going to need to look for other job options in places you can also get a job and have the lifestyle you both want.
Post # 10
My situation isn’t exactly like yours but it’s fairly similar. When we get married, I’ll be moving across our state from an area I love. The job prospects for me aren’t good there but my FH’s income and job stability is greater than mine. I’m struggling with seeing old friends and saying that I’m not working because I was always so dedicated to my career. Like you, I had also considered going to law school (and already have a masters) and there is no school in that town.
I don’t really have any advice, other than I know you aren’t the only one going through it. I tell myself that this is temporary and there is a reason it is happenning. I’ve been told that it will be nice for us to adjust to living together as husband & wife with out the pressure of dual careers but right now the prospect of that is making me miserable. I was planning on “staying home” when I had children but I had never considered sacrificing my career for any reason before that.
Post # 11
I’m going to go against the grain here and say that if you truely want to marry this man and live your life with him, then you need to accept that choices now need to be made for the betterment of the couple and not you as an individual. You need to stop focusing so much on strictly what you want.
Obviously you guys could not live on just your income in your old city (you were saying that you almost had to dip into house savings) but you seem to be doing just fine living on only his income in the new city. If you have to live on 1 income, it only makes sense to do so somewhere where you can afford to.
Others have already brought up online universities so if you really want to go back to school, you still have that option despite being in a rural area.
Somethings, when you’re part of a marriage, you have to compromise some of your ideal situations and goals for the betterment of you both as a couple. Obviously the old situation (before the move) wasn’t working so you need to be open to something new that might.
My DH has moved with me to Dallas because my job is here (he does consulting and can live in any big city). He HATES Dallas as a city – can’t stand the weather, away from family and friends, awful airport to fly in and out of each week, etc. But it is what is best for US as a couple so he was happy to do it and work on getting accustomed to the new place. I think you need to adopt a similar mindset.
Post # 12
@Mrs.KMM: I think you’re being a little harsh here. It’s pretty easy for you to tell her that she needs to adopt a new mindset because you weren’t the one who had to move for your spouse. You were the one who had a supportive spouse who moved with you. Try to be a little sensitive to the other side of the issue. Also.. there seems to be a lot more issues here than just what city they are going to live in.
@rosebud56: I completely understand how you are feeling. After college my husband and I went to different cities for work. I had a great job on wall street earning tons of money and living the life in NYC with all my girlfriends. I was also not far from my family and it was a great life. BUT.. I was half way across the country from my husband (BF at the time I moved). Because of the nature of his work he couldn’t move.. so I gave up the job and the life in NYC to move to Nashville, TN to be with him. I promise you it took me WAY more than 4 months before I felt comfortable here. I know how hard it can be to not compare your new life to your old life and feel like you are missing out on things. I was lucky enough to get a job as soon as I moved here, but I’m earning WAAAAAY less money and I know how hard that can be. Even if you are living comfortably, there can definitely be some issues with self worth if you feel like you are not meeting your potential. Are there any jobs at all that you could take for the short term? Even something well below your qualifications? It will help you to get out of the house and distract yourself, and it will give you an opportunity to meet new people and build up a network of friendships. I don’t know what I would have done if it weren’t for the friends that I made in my office here in Nashville. I think if you give it time you WILL come to like your new life with your FI. BUT.. I just want to point out there are some things you said that concern me. Particularly your comment that your FI doesn’t want you to go back to school or work because he wants to start a family. Starting a family needs to be a decision that BOTH people are 100% in favor of. It sounds like he definitely seems himself as head of your household, and almost doesn’t want you to go to work or school to build an identity outside of the house. This is a problem for me. I was the one who had to move for my husband and although I earned less money than him following the move.. we are still equal partners and all important life decisions are made TOGETHER. I think that is the issue that you need to address with your FI before you walk down the aisle. Good luck to you!
Post # 13
I’m so sorry you’re going through this, I went through the same thing 2.5 years ago when we moved from my home state b/c my fiance’ got laid off too. I didn’t work much the first year, had no friends and absolutely HATED where we lived. Some advice I have for you is to be patient and try and embrace this new challege you’ve been given. I had never lived away from my family and it is SUPER hard to adjust, but you can do it! Join http://www.meetup.com, volunteer in the nearest city if at all possible, try and get out and meet people. I didn’t do that and I wish I had sooner, instead I moaped around the house, ate chinese take out and gained 20lbs while surfing the net all day looking for jobs. Try to find things that YOU enjoy, that way you are doing things for yourself and can stop focusing on how it’s all for him.
Best of luck, if you want to chat feel free to PM me anytime!
Post # 14
When we moved to NYC for my fiance’s new job 2.5 years ago I HATED it too, but now I love it! Haha
Post # 15
I agree that this is a serious issue that needs to be addressed before you get married. If your timeline for wanting kids is different, your ideas of what your roles will be in the household are different, etc… these could lead to serious issues down the road. And while it definitely takes time to adjust to a new living situation, I think you need to make sure you know what you want. Are you willing to stay with your FI if it means giving up on some of your personal goals? If so, that’s fine. If not, then you guys need to figure out an alternative.
Post # 16
It sounds like there’s a lot going on for you! This is a lot of change:marriage, new community, job hunting. I’m right there with you in a lot of ways. Give yourself a break–it’s a stressfull time even without the move and job situation.
Remember why you want to marry this person. Are those reasons still valid? Are they enough?
Moving — it’s tough. I’ve done it a lot (city, rural, suburbs) and I can guarantee this: the first six months are hard, sometimes the first year is hard, but the first six months are the hardest. Find a community — church is where I normally find it. Find a book club or somewhere social to start meeting new people. Once you have some girlfriends — anywhere is liveable. But it takes time to find them and build your new support group.
Job — yeah, I’m hitting the pavement, too. It beats up the ole ego, I know. Keep at it, be flexible and something will come.