Post # 1
I dont know if any of you read my previous post (that is now unactive) about how my SO was doing a sort of teasing and a bait and switch with when I will get my ring? (under waiting titled “why did he tell me”) To sum it up I was told soon, then after waiting I asked again and was told “just kidding! not until we buy a house” This really crushed me because you are not in control over when you find that perfect house. well, we happened to find our perfect house rather quickly actually and we move in in 7 days!
So whats wrong? Well I just dont like that us getting engaged was contingient upon us getting a house first. I feel like I did something that I didnt originally want to do to compromise with him and now “its his turn” to do what he said he would do. I dont know how to handle it. I am afraid he is gonna get caught up in other things like repairs with the house and not propose. I dont think that would be very fair to me since we essencially had a “deal” and I have already done my part. I know getting engaged shouldnt totally be about “I did my part now you have to do yours” but would anyone else already be stressing about what if he drags his feet to propose? I feel a month from when we get the keys should be a reasonable time free (less time would be better). Thoughts?
Post # 3
@BOSOX11: Did you talk about time lines before buying the house? Is the house in both your names? Or just his?
Have you had real serious conversations about marriage? What are his reasons for waiting to propose?
I didn’t read your other post, but pulling any sort of “bait and switch” with a proposal sounds a little cruel and immature.
Without knowing more about the situation my gut reacation is that you are being strung along.
I really hope I’m wrong.
Post # 4
Thats a tough call. Would you want to buy a house with him even if he never was to propose?
Post # 4
I think you’re just screwed yourself actaully. Does he have the ring? If not I suspect that he’s going to use the money excuse (which is probably legitimate) for another long delay. Buying a house (and half the furnishings) is a huge expense, so is a ring so that’s my guess as to what’s going to happen in the near future.
Have you ever had a serious down to earth talk? The cutesy- nahhhuhhh talks don’t count because they don’t deal with serious issues here. Did you think about finances? Did you think about the stress? Did you compramise on your ‘morals’? Has he speciifically mentioned why he needs the house first? Things like that. You may be a bit stuck though now…
Post # 5
Hmm. This is a tough one. Me, as a legal beagle, I’d be wary about buying a house pre-marriage, let alone pre-engagement. But we all have different buttons – I am currently living with my SO, which others here advise against. I think the time to express you didn’t like his “rule” would have been before you followed it. Now, it’s really hard to object and say “no fair!” or “I did my part, you do yours!”
I highly doubt he’ll propose in a month, to be honest. It takes most people time to settle in to a new house (unpack, rearrange, decorate, buying little odds & ends) without even considering any fix it projects.
All I can suggest is that you sit down with him and talk through how you are feeling. Try to frame it positively, that you are excited you have bought it and are moving ahead with your life plans together and can’t wait for the next step.
Post # 6
Why don’t you propose to him?
Post # 7
Who says he gets to make all the rules? Why don’t you tell him that you don’t feel comfortable buying a house with him until you are engaged and have a ring on your finger?
Post # 8
How much, if any money did you put into this house? Because if he paid and you’re just moving in then don’t move in until you have the ring. Live with a friend or relative if you have to. But if you have a financial interest in the house, you’re sunk because you’ve lost all your “bargaining” power at this point because your money is now tied up in a house you own with someone who is not your husband. Kinda sucks.
I hope everything works out for the best and you get your proposal.
Post # 9
Oh, wow! Lay down the law, lady 😉
Post # 10
@EmeraldR: That’s exactly what I said to FI about making ANY large joint purchase (apartment, house, car, etc) and I stood my ground. I was happy to jointly sign 1-2 year leases with him, but I was not going to make a major financial decision/commitment.
Post # 11
Folks (this finger is pointed at myself as well), let’s be kinder to the OP. She already bought the house. That decision can’t be undone easily. Let’s give her suggestions for how to move forward from her current situation not tell her what she should have done differently.
Post # 12
I would not buy a house with someone that I’m not engaged to or married to. Thats just me. The way I see it, this should be the other way around getting the house should come after gettin engaged with a real wedding date set
Post # 13
well you already bought the house—- at this point, I would have a sit down conversation with him for a timeline. Explain to him that you were serious about getting engaged and so you went along with the house buying for that reason. Because of what the waiting does to a woman’s pysche, you would feel comfortable knowing the round about time for a proposal- say a year or two. It would also help if you explain to him what kind of ring you would like i.e. cost. If you don’t mind a cheaper ring, say a few hundred bucks, then you can get engaged quickler than if your SO has to save up a few thousand.
Or you can just propose to him yourself which makes you fully in control of when it will happen.
Unfortunately, a house (just like a marriage) is very hard to walk away from- so you need to figure out what you will do if you don’t have a ring within the next 2 years or so. Good luck!
Post # 14
For the sake of keeping a positive note as Kay01 wisely suggested here are my 2 cents:
1. You can’t undo the home. There’s no real turning around. So, enjoy it. And congrats! I’m trying to buy a home right now and it’s one of the most stressful things I’ve ever dealt with.
2. Everything you said in the 2nd paragraph you should say to him. It’s detailed, it conveys all your concerns, and all of those concerns are perfectly valid and at this point in your relationship he should be able to answer them. Everything you spoke about needs to be brought to the table. Find a time to sit down with him before the craziness of moving really kicks in. Have an open discussion. You’ll feel significantly better.
Hope it all goes well. Good luck!
Post # 15
I sort of know how you feel. SO and I bought a house together and I’m still waiting for the ring and yes the wait is frustrating but I don’t regret it at all. I love living with him. For us, it was important to live together before getting engaged and married and also we rather have put the money towards a down payment on a house first then worry about the wedding (also we know our parents will help out). So I don’t really think buying a house before engagement/marriage is necessarily a mistake – and I know many ppl who did the same thing. Some are still yet to be engaged, some are engaged and some already married.
There was a time when I was really anxious and thought it wouldn’t happen and that he may be stringing me along – but then I talked to him and he assured me that it is coming. So I think it’s important that you talk to him about it and see where he is on it and perhaps even set a timeline. Don’t be afraid to tell him how you feel!