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I wrote this post (http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/upset-ex-is-now-engaged-so-long-but-really-need-honest-advice) two months ago about finding out my ex (and first love) was engaged. The news really hit me hard and I wasn't sure why because I too was engaged and happy, I tried to follow the bee's advice and just ignore the feeling but it wouldn't go away.I felt like I was keeping a secret from the world and it was really beating me down.
I tried so hard to just ignore it and kept telling myself that Andrew was a chapter in my life that was over and I almost had myself convinced that I was simply suffering from cold feet and that I was being unreasonable. I did not seek him out or message him on facebook, I just continued with my life as best as could.
About 2 weeks after my pitty party started I was shopping at Whole Foods when an all too familiar voice sounded behind me and said "well aren't you a sight for sore eyes". My heart sunk and I knew who it was instantly: Andrew. I tried to play it cool but he no doubt could tell I was nervous. We talked about the engagements, our upcoming weddings, and few things in between but nothing major. After about 5 minutes we shared a hug and were on our seperate ways. I didn't even make it to the car before the tears started. I knew in my heart I wasn't over Andrew and I didnt think I could go through with my wedding to Jackson (the former Mr.Bubbles).
I called Jackson and told him we needed to talk that night and that it was important. I explained to him the whole story starting with finding out that Andrew was engaged and how it hurt me and that I avoided it. I explained that I ran into him that day and it brought back all these emotions. I assured him that nothing had happend but I had the revelation that I did still have feelings for Andrew and that I couldn't marry him. It was horrible bees, Jackson was (and is) so hurt and so angry with me. He keeps saying how I embarassed him and I've wasted his time and that he never wants to see me again. I completely understand his anger and pain and it kills me to think of how I've ruined his life.
I was completely depressed: my family was furious with me, 1/2 my friends wouldn't talk to me as they were Jackson and I's friends, and the other 1/2 just looked at me with pitty. I was sitting in my living room unpacking all the boxes I had packed the week previously in preperation for moving in with Jackson when my phone rang: it was Andrew. He told me he had heard what happend through some mutual friends and he wanted to talk. I was completely mortified but agreed to let him come over to talk.
He sat on my couch and we were silent for a good 5 minutes before he broke it with "so you have feelings for me". I just started to cry because I was so embarassed and didn't know how to respond. He slid over and put his arms around me and asked why I had shut him out completely after the breakup. We had a long talk about everything and he admitted that he too thought of me often through the years. He told me that when he heard I had called things off with Jackson he felt relieved because he too was feeling stir crazy about my engagement (he found out about mine on facebook). He said he was worried that he would never have time to make it right with me. He wanted to talk and that he saw my status update on facebook last week and thats why he went to whole foods, he knew I was going to be there and he wanted a chance to see me.
Long story short, Andrew called off his engagement and we are now living together. Things are going great with us but our families still have a hard time dealing with the fallout from cancelling weddings. We decided that we want to get married and will be doing so on April 29th at the justice of the peace.
My life is changing so fast but I really just wanted to update the bees who helped me with my dilemia and to assure those that are having second thoughts that it's OK to change your mind.
Calling off my wedding was the hardest thing I've ever done, and I still feel horrible for breaking Jackson's heart- but I'm very happy with my choice to marry Andrew and I don't doubt that this is the right decision for me.
Trust your heart ladies... it's rarely wrong
If I were your friend or sister, I would say that maybe gtting married so quickly is not a great idea. I can't advise you to get married or not, but I think maybe you should give it a few more months to let the emotional turmoil subside.
I remember your earlier post and the difficulties you were going through. I'm so happy things have worked out for the best. Although the pain your are both feeling with ex-fiances and your families must be difficult, it is great that you both were able to overcome that and find love together. Time will heal all wounds. I think it was so smart of you to follow your heart. Life is too short to live a life of regrets.
However, although I don't know the dynamics of your relationship, I really feel getting married in 30 days may be too soon. So just please be sure that you and Andrew take your time in strengthening your relationship because you are both experiencing so many emotions at this time. Wishing you all the best.
Don't you think you might be jumping in a little too quickly? I mean you just reconnected with an old flame and broke up with someone you have spent years with and loved. I'm not saying that you should never marry him, you two may be soulmates, but I don't know. From the outsider perspective, I would say maybe get to know him again and make sure that its what you REALLY REALLY want. Plus you know your ex-fiance is going to find out and he already is devestated by what happened, do you really want to hurt him more??
That's definately a tough situation to be in, and you may have to get used to your families disliking your decision (i.e. his family not liking you and the other way around). But if your happy, I hope everything works out and you are definately right. It is ok to change your mind, but try to keep the other persons feelings in mind when you do it.
That read like a novel. I'm really not sure what to say, other that I think getting married this quickly is a bad idea. What's wrong with being alone for awhile and letting yourself mourn your breakup?
@helenberrycrunch: I could not have stated it better. Although you may have poignant and relevant feelings for Andrew, perhaps waiting a minute until the emotional turmoil settles down is wise. I hope you don't take offense, but with so much going on, it might be hard to see clearly. Emotions are a tricky and delicate thing, it may be best to make sure our decisions aren't born out of emotionalism and more out of rationalism. You know your situation better than anyone here, so you have a clearer picture of every aspect, but I just say be careful.
Yeah the first thing that comes to my mind is ouch! You're getting married the day before your original wedding date to someone else? That seems like a slam to your EX-FI. I'm super glad you found the one, but I would wait like six months to not cause even more emotional upset all around.
Not to be a naysayer, but I gotta agree with everyone else. Getting married -so- soon after such an emotionally devastating and tumultuous episode might not be the best idea. You have to remember that while you were totally sold out in love with "Andrew" -you- weren't the one who ended the relationship the last time around, he was, and rather suddenly (and a little selfishly, if you ask me). I'm not saying that he doesn't love you as much as you love him, or that he hasn't matured since college, but you need to give things time and get to know each other as you are now... You're basing your current relationship off of the old relationship, but you're different people now, with different lives... It's like starting all over again with someone totally new. Essentially, while you've known him since you were fourteen, he's a stranger and visa versa. You wouldn't jump into marriage with someone you've never met before, when you've neven properly "dated". You can't do that in a case like this, either.
Yeah, I agree that you should trust your heart - but you gotta listen to the mind too and discern what's best for YOU.
I'm glad things are working out so well for you! Is there a particular reason you guys are running to the JOP so quickly, though? I think maybe taking a few months or a year to get used to being with each other might be a smart decision.
Well it seems like you made the right decision in regards to your ex-FI, but I agree with PPs that it seems like there's so much happening so fast that you may want to slow it down before getting married. At least out of respect for your ex-FI, don't get married so close to the day that you were suppose to marry him. It just seems wrong, IMO.
@Pink Bubbalicious:
I am happy to hear of a woman that is insightful enough to explore why she has certain feelings and am impressed at your ability to remain strong and do what is best for you.
My only concern would be the reason behind this long winded explanation (however interesting it may be)- is it the need to feel justified in your actions? It almost seems as such. You shouldn't feel the obligation to do so, to your family or friends, if that is the case. Your friends and family may be upset now, but in the long run how would they have felt if you waited until after the wedding to decide how you felt about your ex boyfriend? It may be hard on your former fiance now, but in the long run, you did him a favor.
Kudos to you for knowing your heart and listening to it and I wish you all the best in your newly rekindled love.
Wow. wow. Really? Wow.
Take some time woman! Who knows if this is lust, just one more shot...really, who knows. Wait for the excitement and stuff to settle down.
Whole heartedly agree!! Although the idea of rekindling something that was lost has a certain appeal, you both could be blinded by the romance of it all. It could be only a matter of time before the same problems arise.
Don't run off and get married so quickly. It's a slap in the face to your ex and his, as well as your familys. If you love each other enough to get married, you can wait six months- which is still a very short time. Even though you were in a relationship at one point in time, when you break up and go onto another, that time starts over. So if you get married in April, you're getting married after being together a month. Plan out a new wedding (probably small though) with your new fiance. Don't miss out on dating, being engaged, etc. because you're emotional right now. In ten years you'll regret missing everything with this man, even if you had it with someone else.
I'm glad you broke it to FI, it's the best thing, even though it was tough. I partly agree with PP's, that you might be moving too fast. But if that's the way you feel about this guy and you're sure he's the one (like, forever and ever ONE!), then trust your gut. It's got you this far. :)
I feel bad for saying this too, but I really feel bad for your ex FI and his ex FI... I think you two owe it to them to delay marriage, if just to spare their feelings a little more. I can't imagine if my now husband had left me for an ex a month before the wedding, and then got married a day before our date? Just wow. That's really selfish. In the end, if it's meant to be you and Andrew will be happy. But them? They're the ones who will suffer emotional damage and humiliation...
@SnowPeony:I feel the same way. When I first read this I felt really sorry for the ex fiance's!
@Pink Bubbalicious:I agree with the other Bee's. I would really suggest holding off on getting married. Everyone's feelings are already hurt and it would just be making everyone that got the short end of the stick feel worse.
well i will be the one who doesn't agree with all the PPs! well, i am not saying you should or should not be getting married so quickly, but I am saying that I read your story, it was quite the interesting read, but nowhere in it did i hear you asking for approval or advice on what to do. So i am not sure why everyone has decided to tell you that you shouldn't be getting married! you have made your decision, you seem to feel it is the right one and there will be no regrets, so i wish you and Andrew all the best!
What a tough situation- it must have been very difficult for you to listen to your feelings. I hope that everything works out for the best.
While I'm glad that you followed your heart, I have to agree with the majority here. If I were you, I'd at least wait 4-6mo and have a small ceremony. I know you can't plan your whole life around other people's feelings, but in this situation, I really think you should each take your ex-FI's feelings into consideration. Think of how you'd feel if you were engaged to someone and they not only left you for an ex, but married said-ex a day before your planned wedding date? That's some cruel shit, man... and this is coming from a chick who basically doesn't give a damn about other people's requests/feelings when it comes to me & Mr. Foxxy's wedding/marriage. But this situation is about more than a wedding or ceremony... even if you're 100% sure that Andrew is the one, please consider waiting at least a FEW months out of respect for your previous relationships...
@SnowPeony: I completely agree.
What a slap in the face for your EX FI and Andrew's EX FI. Please tell me this was an accidental coincidence and that you really were not planning on marrying him a DAY before you were supposed to marry your EX FI. That's just cold and I know this is going to sound harsh, but it's really low of you to choose that day. Your going to marry this guy SO soon after all this hurricane of emotions and then what? What if you are two differen't people then you were in your previous relationship. For God's sake whats the rush? It seems to me like you are feeling bad/hurt for breaking your EX FI's heart so your rushing into something to help ease the pain/emotions. Take a chill pill. I DON'T advise you to get married so quickly. Let the dust settle and find out if this is the guy you really do want to marry. It sounds like you are happy with him and thats fantastic! But be careful this time, make sure this is what you really want because if you don't, you could break another man's heart. Just keep that in mind.
Like most of the previous posters, I feel so sorry for your exes! What a slap in the face to have you end your engagements and get married within 6 weeks? Is there a reason you HAVE to get married immediately?
Regardless...I am glad you found what you are looking for and are finally happy! You deserve it!
I sidagree with alot of posters. While I think the date you chose may be hurtful, I really think you need to do whats est for you. You don;t owe your ex anything, you tried it out, you thought it would work, but it didn't. You can apologize for that, but you don't need to be apologetic for moving on. Thats just life. I also think that you shouldn't have to take a break before moving on. I know this couple that met two weeks after the girl broke off her engagement. A year later they were engaged, and now they are expecting a baby, 6 months later. Things happen like that sometimes.
What I'm trying to say is you only live life once, do it as you please.
@Cash000: While you may only live once, it's no excuse to be rude and hurtful to someone you were going to spend your life with. She doesn't owe them anything but she does own them a little respect. Good Riddance.
@MrsPinkBONBON: could not agree more. Sorry, OP. This has disaster written all over it.
Yeah but the thing is she never was going to spend her life with him, she never actually said "I do". Another thing is she did show him respect. She told her ex thr truth, and moved on accordingly. She did not have an ongoing relationship with the ex behind his back, The OP cannot just live her life to respect her ex, she has to move on for whats best for her. That is what life is all about.
I also feel very sorry for the your exes. I was going to put more, but I think I may offend.
@Cash000: By accepting an engagement ring I think your pretty much promising that you will spend forever with that person. She accepted that ring so she was definitely going to spend forever with him. It's not about that she broke off the engagement which is totally fine. If she didn't feel the same way then I think it's great that she didn't go into a marriage without being into in 100%.
I think for someone to be a good person, you have to respect other peoples feelings no matter what. She doesn't have to force herself to feel something she doesnt, thats not what this is about. It's about being respectful and having some class for the benefit of herself as a person. It's in no way her fault that her ex fiance's heart got broken, but she needs to have some consideration and respect.
i don't understand why the ex-FIs have to know they are getting married on April 29th? its not really their business is it? they are doing a JOP ceremony, so how would they even find out?
@PurpleUnicorn- The joys of living in a digital world. Information is sooo easy to find! That and friends talk so i'm sure the ex-fi already know.
What you did must have been very difficult and it took a lot of strength and courage. Its much better to not get married than get married and regret it. I'm happy for you. That being said I agree with the PP's. Take some time to rebuild your relationship and have fun.
@PurpleUnicorn: Wow honestly? I don't think being sneaky is the mature thing to do.
Why out of ALL days, does it have to be THAT one? I don't see what the rush is to begin with but all that aside, think of how hurt you would feel if you were in her ex fiance's position. Your heart just got broken and by someone you thought was extremely happy apparently isn't and oh yeah!.... he's getting married to his NEW fiance a day before you were supposed to get married. Thats a lot to take in especially since it sounds like this came out of nowhere to him.
Like I keep saying over and over, it's not about owing anything to him but it IS just plain horrible to choose that specific day out of all the days in the year.
@MrsPinkBONBON: i didnt say anything about being sneaky. i just mean she is with someone else now and they have a right to do what they want. it has nothing to do with their exes. if i was in her shoes, i wouldn't plan my life around my past. personally i would wait to get married, to see how the relationship goes and all that. i would even want a different date so i could have it with no associations with my past. but that's all. if the OP made this decision, then i will just wish her well and not give advice that she didn't ask for, that's all.
EDIT: to add on to what i am trying to say - i read the story and it seems the OP told her story to show that sometimes listening to the little voice in your heart is the right thing to do. if she had said "am i doing the right thing, should i wait" i might have said she is better off waiting. but she has clearly made her decision and who are we to tell her how to live her life?
@MrsPinkBONBON: Again, totally agreeing with you here. Some of you might put yourselves in the ex-FI's shoes here. You owe others in this life some modicum of respect. And yes, sometiimes in life you inadvertently hurt others. How you deal with the aftermath is your karma. Throwing salt in the wound you caused -- willfully or not - - is immature and may someday bite you right in the ass.
Ahem ahem ahem purpleunicorn!!!!!! Good grief ladies. She posted an update for us and no where did she ask for your advice. Feel how you want about her decisions but either wish her well or click off her post. I wish you the best Hun! I'm so happy you are happy! :)
@PurpleUnicorn: I just figured since you said " why do the EX Fi's need to know" that you were implying they should go behind their backs. Which of course is wrong. I just don't think that people should "do what they want" and "live their life" without having any regards to how they are affecting other people. Yeah live your life but don't directly hurt people while you do it.
I understand that she didn't ask for opinions but she couldn't have expected people NOT to comment on something like this when she posts in on an online forum. Why post this at all then?
I just really don't understand the rush to get married right away. You're still really young. I think I read in your previous post that you've met your now-ex-fiance your freshman year of college and had been together 5 years. That makes you 23? That's still REALLY young to get married! (I know others will disagree with me on this, and I know it depends on the person... )
My FI and I have talked about this, I'm 28 and he's 33. Had we gotten married to the person we were dating at 23, we'd be miserable now.. AND had we met when we were that age, we wouldn't have been more than acquaintences. BUT, the experiences we've had individually since 23 have made us into a perfect match for each other.
Wait a year. If things are still going great, get married then. If they're not, you can determine where to go from there... But at least you're not looking at getting divorced after you realize your bad decision. (Which, it could be the best decision ever, but you don't know that yet.)
I do think you meeting in the grocery store was fateful, but possibly only to break up your previous engagements. It's really easy to get caught in the flow of things and wind up engaged to someone you never intended to marry.
Good luck. And PLEASE put off that wedding.
@MrsPinkBONBON: well i meant it more in a less black and white way. like everyone is saying the exes will be hurt by this. and i just thought, these are 2 people getting married by themselves at the JOP. they can plan and do that without involving the exes. unless the exes are stalking them, they might just never even know what is going on because they are not in each others lives anymore.
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