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Oh i'm so sorry you're going through this......we're here if you need to vent....
So sorry :( I'm sure you did the right thing though. If you don't think you'd have been happy married to him... just think how much worse being in an unhappy marriage or getting divorced would be from what you're going through now. My MOH called off a wedding a few months before, that was 3 years ago and she never regrets the decision. She's now happily engaged to another man and says she feels 100% different... like this time its actually right. I hope you are at peace with your decision.
I'm so sorry that this is something you are going through...I was in a similar situation before and it's really hard...and I know I didnt' want to talk to anyone and doubted my decision but it ended up being the best decision of my life. Only you can determine that...and as babybluz said we are definatly here if you need to vent or just talk it out...good luck hun!
You have to follow your gut, and if you think it's right for you it probably is. It's better now then years down the road getting a divorce. We are here for you for advice and venting. Feel better:)
i'm so sorry :( - soon, most of the "newness" of it being called off will wear away, and you won't have to be left with the reminders and questions about it - just keep your head up and know that this is a place to vent or talk if you ever need it
I need to vent but I don't know where to start. I'm just devastated because I gave up SO much for our relationship... I moved 3 hours away to his town because it was easier for me to find a job in my profession than him, I have been helping him raise his son so I'm losing TWO people I love, I don't know anyone here, and I rented out my brand new just built first home in my hometown to be here... and now I'm going to be living in a teensy studio. With no furniture yet. Alone.
I can't explain my feelings besides that it just didn't feel right. I had an awful unshakable gut feeling about it. He's been married before and I just couldn't take all the insecurities he had that were related to his ex-wife that didn't get alleviated with premarital counseling.
I just don't know where to begin again to start healing.
I'm so sorry sweetie, but good for you following your gut. I know it's hard to see the other side of this right now, but just hang in there. Take it an hour at a time if you need to, cry when you feel like it. When I was going through a really rough time a few years back, a good friend said to me "Just breathe. Sometimes all you can do is just breathe." I think that was the best piece of advice I ever got. Can you go visit your parents or a friend for the weekend and just get some space to yourself and some family support?
((hugs))
So sorry. Once this difficult time passes I'm sure you'll see how you've made the right decision. Surround yourself with family and friends and perhaps have them spread the word and work with vendors. Try to involve yourself in some new activities - it helps to keep your mind off of things if you're not home by yourself. But be sad, cry if you need to, it's okay to feel that way, each day you'll feel a little bit better and eventually you'll get past it.
I know it's hard to hear, but you did the right thing. You need time, and in time, things will get better. I actually commend you for being so bold, not a lot of other people would do that in your situation. Best of luck to you.
I'm really sorry to hear that you're going through this right now! It's especially hard because you moved away from friends and family to be with him, and you're also losing two people who were very important in your life. Knowing that you had that gut feeling, a few years down the line, you'll know that this decision you made was the best for all of you. It's better to know and do this now than to have gotten married and go through a painful divorce. Going through the painful breakup is enough!
Feel free to come to the bee to vent all you need to. Refrain from calling him or staying in touch with him. It will just bring up the pain all over again, and it's not something you need right now. Stay strong and you'll be fine!
I'm so sorry for what you're going through. My sister was engaged at the same time I was, and she called her wedding off this past January. She said something similar, in her gut it just didn't feel right. There were many months of guilt and regret, but they were swirled in with feelings of relief and the feeling that she had done the right thing. Now, nearly a year later, she is 100% confident that she did the right thing, but tells me it was the hardest thing she's ever done.
I can't possibly understand what you're going through, but I want to tell you that it takes a very strong and courageous woman to know when it's not right, and to call it off instead of going along with the charade.
Sending lots of strength and hope your way, along with assurances that this painful time will get easier.
I'm so sorry that you have to go through this! Is there anything you can do to prevent all the questions? Have your mom call the vendors and explain what happened so they aren't calling you. And have close friends and family spread the word, noting that you aren't up to talking about it yet. I went through the same sort of thing when I miscarried, I didn't want to talk about it. I made sure to have my hubby tell everyone so I didn't have to. And I even made my mom tell my dentist (she goes to the same one and they couldn't take xrays last time so they knew I was pregnant) so they wouldn't ask me. It really helped.
I also understand the facebook status thing. I broke up with my ex of 7 1/2 years and it took me a while to update my facebook. And then when I got into another relationship it took me a while to update it to "in a relationship" b/c I was scared I'd just have to change it again. Why does facebook have such a big effect on us?
I, too, just called off my engagement for that same feeling you are describing. That feeling that it just didn't feel right. Even after months of talking it through with him and with others, reading books like The Conscious Bride, going to counseling, etc, I knew it still didn't feel right.
The best advice I can give you is to be patient with yourself. Do not give yourself a timeline of when you think you should feel right or better or get over this. Everyone is different, and every situation is different. Even after I felt some relief with my decision (after months of anxiety, depression and struggling with feeling this way), I still have days where I feel regret, sad, guilty, etc. Let those emotions come. It's all part of the grieving process.
Also, check out this great post: http://apracticalwedding.com/2010/04/the-wedding-dropout-or-how-i-never-became-a-wedding-graduate/
Feel free to message me if you need to chat. Chin up!
Today he wants the ring back. Ugh ugh ugh. I know its the right thing to do but it makes it so final and official. It hurts so bad.
I'm sorry.
I used to work at a vintage clothing boutique and can recall multiple times where women would come in, going through something similar, and would buy themselves a really cute right hand ring to "celebrate" their choice to lookout for themselves. Of course, it was just a way to ease the feelings kicked up when you have to give up a ring and idea that you've grown acustomed to.
I hope you find a way to ease into more comfort and confidence in your decision. You not only did what was right for you but also what was respectful for him and his child. He may not see that right now, but in the long run that will seem very obvious to everyone involved.
I think you are very wise to listen to your own intuition. If it doesn't feel right, it isn't.
Everyone will get over it & go on with their own lives--try not to let nosy people get to you.
I pulled the plug on my wedding to FH about 5 yrs ago. I knew it wasn't right. He didn't ask for the ring back & I found out he always believed it would happen. Now it is. The timing wasn't right back then. I'm glad I called it off. And glad he toughed it out.
Nobody ever mentions it now.
Chin up ... this beats being stuck in a miserable marriage and the cost/hassle of filing for a divorce!!!
I am so sorry. I don't know what I could say that the others haven't so I will just send you warm thoughts and good wishes. (((HUGS)))
You did the right thing, not just for you but for your ex-FI too. It really sucks now...but you'll both be happier in the long run. *BIG HUGS*
What a hard thing to go through, I can't even imagine...I am so sorry you are going through this, but it sounds like you made the wise and smart decision to follow your gut instinct. I'm sure things will work out for the better after this difficult time. *hugs*
If he gave it to you on a Holiday Legally you can keep it. Just an FYI.
It sounds pretty rough. If you went with your gut that it was probably the best decision. I wish you the best and I will pray for you!
Sorry that you're going through the tough time. There's not much else I can say that already hasn't been send, so I'm sending you good thoughts.
I know that this is really hard because I've been there. I called off my first engagement 6 years ago. I too had moved to his home town, given up my friends and family and job to be with him. Things just weren't right. So I packed up and moved him and then a few months later ended the relationship. It was hard because I felt guilty and ashamed. I felt like I was a failure and then you have the normal grieving process of any relationship ending. For me, I moved into a one bedroom apartment. Bought the furniture I wanted and the car I wanted. I started going out with my old girlfriends that I hadn't seen in quite sometime. I took mini-vacations with them and most importantly I learned more about myself. I went on dates with guys for about 3 years. Nothing serious. Then one day I met my husband. We dated for 3 years before he proposed and then got married this past spring. I'm so glad I made that fateful decision 6 years ago. My life is full of all these wonderful people that I love and would have missed out on over the years. I have a wonderful business and hobbies of my own. You too will find these things in time. Just take the time to do things for yourself.
If you need to talk please PM me.
Things will get better and you will find your way!
Vintage
I'm starting to feel like I can maybe/sort of/kind of breathe again.
Bees who have called off weddings, how did you cope? I am starting out with doing a few things for myself I've always wanted to do -- studying for the GRE to apply to a masters program (FI didn't approve), taking a fitness boot camp class with a new friend I made here, and joined a young professionals group. My friends here are pushing me to go on a date or two just to see that there are good men out there.
I'm still pretty much devastated and second guessing myself every day, but if I hadn't been into planning the wedding since June or July, I KNOW something was majorly wrong.
Breakups are hard. It sounds like you have some positive goals and plans up ahead, though, and that's great! Hang in there and I'm sure you'll feel the relief settle in soon once you can wrap your head around what just happened and what brought you to that point to begin with. :)
Double post! But yeah, continue to move on and be happy. :)
I am so sorry to hear you are going through this. As someone who has recently gone through a really bad breakup, I can tell you, it does get better. Take one day at a time. And make a point to do something nice for yourself every single day. Paint your nails, take a bubble bath, watch a girly movie. Do things for you for a chance, and enjoy it!
Keep strong, but don't beat yourself up if you have weak moments, because believe me, you will have them. But trust yourself and know you made the right decision for your future.
When the right guy comes along (and he will) you will see the huge difference. My SO is an incredible man and would give anything for me. For once I am not the person in the relationship making all the sacrifices. You deserve someone who adores you.
Agree with the above suggestions. Again, there are days when it will be tough, where you will feel like the bad guy. Since this was my first major breakup, with an engagement involved to boot, it feels like my world is caving in at times. It sort of is, but don't let it stop you.
It sounds as though you're able to pursue the things you may not have otherwise. Take advantage of this time. Call people who are willing to listen. Take up a hobby, start a blog, read a great book, or just buy a bottle of wine and take a fork to the pan of brownies and have at it.
I'm not a fan of cliches but I have to believe that what will be will be. That with time, things will work themselves out (time heals all wounds). Trust that there will be good days and bad days and mixed days. Just take the time you need to sort this out. You are on no one else's timeline but your own.
Hey...I can imagine (I'm a guy).
What should make you feel better is that people are very understanding. This happens all the time.
You might even smile when people ask you and say "Yeah...I called it off. It just didn't seem that it was going to work out." If you are smiling, it will avoid the pity cycle.
When they respond "Oh sorry", you can respond. "It's OK. It was for the best." Keep a positive mind. If you seem very sad then people will be sad for you which could make you sadder.
Don't feel sad. If for some reason it was meant to be, it will happen later. Remember your soulmate is out there (if you believe in such things). After a relationsip of 3 and 1/2 years ended I stopped believing which really killed my spirit. I believe again. If you keep in mind that your real soulmate is saying "Whew...I'm on my way...hold on," you'll be just fine...happy even...and trust me...he's on his way!
@Socrates: I like the last part you said.
My SO now always says, "Geez what took you so long to get here!"
After having gone thru a rough divorce quite a long while ago, I can tell you that you're doing the right thing!
Although having my son was one of the two best decisions in my life (other marryingT), I wish I had some inkling of what my ex was capable of doing.
If something isn't right it simply isn't right. Do something special for yourself. How about also designate a friend or your mom to call the vendors and take care of the stuff you're feeling overwhelmed with right now?
Peace comes in time. Of course you're upset. But it is much easier than divorcing. I wish you every bit of love and happiness.
You will find the right guy in time. Love happens when you least expect it. Just focus on you, do something very nice for yourself, know we're giving you a cyber hug, and know also you will survive this.
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I called off our wedding and moved out and I'm finding it hard to deal. So many aspects I wasn't prepared for -- the questions from people who think we're still getting married, vendors calling with updates, changing my Facebook status (dumb, I know), dealing with the guilt, thinking I made the wrong choice, etc.
It just didn't feel right in my gut.
I'm sad, Bees :(