Sorry, long reply, but hey, I’m a mom, because I said so, and get over it! (JK)
Here’s the short version, chick:
You know when children start pushing on their mom’s about a certain thing they want and they’ll keep asking and pushing and whining and guilt trip you into getting what they want? And you either get really really really mad at them, or you cave? How do mom’s handle those things?
BINGO. You read my mind! By stepping away from the problem, being firm but not mad or upset, and let them whine until they realize you mean business. They’re not getting the sense of being unloved or anything (because you’re not mad or tired, you’re just being neutral and true to your conviction of not feeling guilty or mad), and if they do, they get over it pretty quickly when you DO show you love them. The key is, they whine, are dramatic, they don’t get what they want, they pout, then they bounce back. Hey, it’s a thought. A really BASIC thought, but still, a thought.
ANOTHER THOUGHT-I hired a wedding planner for my daughter. She has been a godsend, WELL worth the money, and lemme tell you, having her is ‘WAY cheaper than therapy!
Plus she could be a ‘referee’ or an arbitor between you and your mom-you mom can bug HER with all the emails and notes and calls!!! That’s part of what they do!!!
I can TOTALLY understand your sitch from both sides since, if you notice my name, I’m a MOB! A “I-want-SO-to-be-involved-in-your-wedding-because-it’s-what-I’ve-dreamed-about-for-years” mama.
Let me rephrase you concerns and issues to make sure I have a clear pic: your mom is trying to take over all your wedding plans and you’re getting UBER annoyed with her pushing her ideas onto you to to the point of you getting mad, getting upset, ‘caving’ and feeling bad about it.
She seems to have the expectation that since mother knows best, you’ll take her advice with open arms and say, “Mom, I don’t know WHAT I’d do without you, you’re the BEST!”.
Since you and she have clashed for along time, she may desperately wants a show of love from you. Hence her getting involved so much. She wants to be involved with you and needed for the last ‘official’ time. Is there a possibility that you both might not show each other a measure of love and respect for what the other person is saying, or when you try to show some love and respect (both of you), either one of you go into a knee-jerk reaction with that ‘tude of ‘oh shit, here she goes again’? Or is it just her going on to you and you having that reaction towards her? (Which I can totally understand, if that’s the case-years of this can make it automatic on anyone’s part! Trust me, been there, done that on BOTH sides of the coin).
Is this close to what’s going on, luv?
Your mom and I are somewhat alike regarding being very sensitive in that ANY show of dislike or rejection of my suggestions, my ideas or just ME, causes me to tear up, feel unwanted and unloved and just plain miserable, thinking about my ungrateful daughter and all I’ve done for her. Since she’s very VERY assertive and sometimes downright MEAN, I’ve always walked on eggshells around her with my ideas and suggestions. I mention this because not only is your mom possibly thinking she’s fullfilling HER dream her tiny baby girl becoming a Princess Bride, but also HER idea of YOUR dream wedding. I’ve seen a lot of boards mentioning this very same thing-the MOB wanting the wedding that she wanted and disregarding what the bride wanted, with the attitude (sometimes) of “I’m paying for it, young lady, so you HAVE to listen to ME!” ‘tude. This MAY be where your mom’s coming from.
She also may have developed into being overbearing and dramatic because that’s the only way she’ll get your attention? Again, throwing these things out for thought.
When you were younger, did she pick out your clothes, help you with homework, be there for you at school i.e. PTA, any of that stuff? This will be the VERY LAST TIME she’ll get to do that (in her mind), and since she’s probably been doing it for however long you’ve been alive, it’s SO hard to let go of that.
NOW, how to handle her.
‘Luvmysailor’ had great advice:
You don’t “have” to tell her to back off but you can handle her in a certain way.
Learn the art of “Thank you for the suggestion. I will keep it in mind/discuss it with fiancee/we already have ideas concerning this”.
You’re going to REALLY do the sincere act and make her feel it vs having that ‘tude I mentioned before. I mean, the “And the award goes to” sincere act.
Also, the part ‘Luvmysailor’ said about giving her a small part of the wedding can be expanded to having her help with some of the parts that you don’t particularly feel all that strongly about, like flowers or ceremony music or dance music or seating chart. Hey, the longer you delve into this, the more tired you’ll get of it and you’ll be GLAD to give her some stuff! Give her some research projects to find out certain things within certain parameters and have her report to you every few days!
JoCoJenn also had great, GREAT advice regarding the FB posting. Excellent wording of how to handle her. Make her think she’s really helping you.
I would nicely ask her to not post things on FB regarding the wedding for fear it will bring on an onslaught of queries from people who might think they are invited but in reality they are not, and you don’t want to appear rude. No mother can fault her daughter for trying to display good manners.
Please note that blocking her posts or unfriending her will have repercussions because she’ll notice really quickly and take it REALLY personally. Oh, YEAH, REALLY personally. The current thought is that when you block or ‘unfriend’ a person, that means you want nothing to do with them forever and a day. I don’t know about how your mom would feel, but when my daughter did that to me, yeah, I teared up, but I got over it because it’s ridiculous to feel that way over a lousy FB unfriend.
Your mama may be posting to get attention and ‘attaboys’ from your friends-again, the needy feeling for love and attention and respect for her ideas, and if your friends applaud her ideas, that’s money in the bank for her to push these ideas onto you. Double whammy, m’dear!
JoCoJenn also closed very well, with her comment about her ‘momma and her drama’ finally getting it. Unfortunately, that’s what Tough Love is all about. You mama may feel hurt, unloved, unappreciated, blah blah blah and may put the chill on and cut you off from herself.
You could be relieved she’s not bugging you anymore, which unfortunately can have repercussions depending on how long she keeps a grudge, but you still might feel guilt within yourself. DON’T. YOU need to feel good within yourself. Sorry moms out there, but it IS all about the bride and what she wants, because it’s HER wedding!
All moms and brides clash, and weddings DO seem to bring out the worst in everybody and make them all feel shitty. Have some mantras handy; remember she’s your mom, what if you didn’t have her, and if gritting your teeth when she comes up with stuff makes you have headaches and have to wear one of those football mouthpieces all day, go to phase II, Tough Love.
I’m here for you, chick, but only if you ask me. And that’s the attitude every MOB should have.