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I doubt that they're angry at you personally, and I wouldn't take it that way. I get upset when I hear about other couple's budgets because I can't afford what they have. It sucks to be poor and know that you're limited, while other people seem capable of doing whatever they want. So yeah, other people will think that you're spending a lot. But that's just how it is, and that's OK. Just do what you think is right and reasonable. :)
some people are jealous, some people are judgemental. spend what you want! the recession has actually worked to my advantage since the prices have been lowered and yet my parents are paying and neither them nor my fiance's parents who are also paying nor me nor my fiance have lost our jobs!
I think sometimes people are jealous and then I think it depends on one's view of money in general. For example, my cousin and his wife spent A TON on their wedding. They don't own a house and were, at the time, both driving cars that didn't work well. They were living in a house owned by our grandmother since they didn't have a lot of money. I never would have done that, but I didn't judge them for it. The wedding was beautiful, lovely and great but, for my personal tastes more than I would spend giving their financial situation. That said, there are people who wouldn't pay as much for shoes, or a pair of pants as I would, so it depends on your perspective of money and isn't always about jealousy, but really a lack of understanding.
I also think there is a secret guilt assocaited with spending a lot on a wedding, which can make people feel like they are being judged when they're not. You feel guilty, well, that is about YOU. If you know you're not doing anything wrong, your parents can (and want to!) pay for it then really you shouldn't feel bad. It seems like, unless your friend has made comments to you, you feel bad because she can't spend as much as you. In a way, that's kind of a quiet judgment of her. Maybe she feels her vendors are "good," just like you do. Maybe she's worried you're judging her because she can't spend a lot. Again, it's all about perspective, ya know.
It's your day. Try not to get caught up in worrying what others may think about you. There is always someone who is going to have their own feelings about it.
Ladies - I appreciate your comments so so much! I'm not judging ANYONE for how much they can spend on their wedding. I know that everyone is in a different situation - and if my parents weren't paying for the wedding we'd be in a different place. Yes, we both have good jobs and work very hard - but as we all know, wedding are expensive!
I'm trying to do as much DIY as possible, but my parents keep on insisting that we hire professionals for everything. I'm not going to complain because it makes our lives alot easier. But I just can't help but feeling akward when people ask where we're having it, or who we're using for vendors. We live in CT - it's a small state, and anyone planning a wedding knows who's who. I know how fortuanate we are. We've sent my parents at least 10 thank you cards since we got engaged!!
I know I'm lucky enough to be getting the wedding that I've always dreamed of....I just dont want to feel bad about it....
she probably doesn't realize that her comments are coming across that way. =)
don't feel bad!!
Everything has a price, and in your case, while you get the wedding of your dreams, it might be at the expense of outsiders thinking you're a snob. If you don't like it, scale back or grow thicker skin. Your friend could also have the wedding of her dreams, but to do it, she'd have to go into debt. Which isn't a price she's willing to pay. Nothing is free, even a wedding that's paid for.
wow - @redherring....I'm a little surprised that you feel that my wedding is at the expense of someone else...
:(
@Miss Casanova - That's not what I said (although technically, your wedding is at the expense of someone else - your parents). What I said was that the price you pay for having the wedding of your dreams (its expense) is that others might think you're a snob. Does this mean you're actually a snob? I have no idea (but I suspect not). But it's how people might see you. If this isn't a price you're willing to pay, then you might want to question whether it's truly the wedding of your dreams.
I personally think it would be silly to change your wedding because of the way it might cause people to perceive you. I doubt you're going to have champagne fountains, be carried in on the back of an elephant, or do anything else so over the top and excessive that it would be like throwing the cost of the wedding in people's faces. It sounds like you're having a very nice wedding, with amazing vendors who will likely ensure that your guests have a great time as well. If you/your parents can afford that, great. Just be happy about that, and don't worry about other people's jealousy/judgement :)
What exactly are other people saying/doing to make you feel guilty?
I can understand where you are coming from as people thinking you are a snob b/c you are able to afford certain things...but I am not understanding the guilt. I can sympathize with other brides who may not be able to get the wedding of their dreams but it doesn't cause me any guilt b/c I am getting mine. I mean people will always make comments...but from what I read..the people who matter..particularly your friend who is also planning her wedding...hasn't called you a snob or placed any guilt trips on you. I am the kind of person who doesn't really care too much about what strangers care about my life choices. I give some consideration to family and close friends but at the end of the day...I have to do what I feel comfortable with. Now if you aren't comfortable with the type of event you are throwing...even though your parents can afford it...then scale it down. If you are comfortable with it...let people say with they want and just enjoy your day.
I'm a little confused- are your friends saying something to make you feel guilty or is it you feeling guilty when you talk about wedding plans? There is a difference. That being said, I do understand how you could feel guilty just by talking about something. While my sisters haven't exactly expressed excitement over my engagement- and they are both married moms- the few times we have discussed anything wedding related they have made me feel pretty small- by saying nothing. The best advice I can give, which I am trying really hard to follow- is not let what others say or don't say bother you. It's your wedding, not theirs, and if they can't share in your joy, then that is just so sad.
@JamaicaBride - Perfectly said! It boils down to whether your actions match your values. If they do, you're golden, and there's no need for guilt or feeling bad. But if they don't, you need to change one to match the other or you'll never be happy.
I call it reverse snobism! I have noticed that regardless of the situation - wedding, buying a purse, buying a car, where to live, etc.... people look down on others for purchasing a nicer item! I don't get it. I think it is nobody's business except for your own. If you choose to spend more money planning your wedding - that is your and your parents' decision. Its not like you are looking down on your friend for being a little more frugal - so why is acceptable to look down on you for spending more money?
My parents paid for my wedding and I think we came in just under $20K. It was a beautiful wedding BUT yes, I did feel guilty at the amount spent. Not because my friends made me feel guilty (many of their weddings have been like $40K or more) but because of the fact that, well, let's face it, you are blowing more than what some people earn in ONE YEAR on one measley day! How can you NOT feel guilty?! Think of what you could do with $20K if you put it towards a charity or whatever! It's like pollution... we know it's bad but we still can't stop driving cars... and when we think about it... GUILT!!!
This has gotta be super hard for your friend - I can't imagine having to plan along side of someone who gets to spend more than me, thus ensuing she'll have better quality everything than me. Are you being intentional to continually encourage her in the choices she's making? As a supportive friend, do what you can to not let it become a comparison between the two. Your weddings will probably be really different, if you can express real interest and excitement for the elements she's incorporating, even if they're low cost, it'll probably help her remember that her wedding will still be fabulous, even if it didn't cost a fortune.
I don't think you should feel bad because you can spend more. In my opinion I think this is an issue that you should just ignore and pretend is not there. I don't know of any way to have this conversation with your friend without her feeling hurt. This is how life is, and will always be, somebody will always be richer, prettier, smarter, etc. You shouldn't have to apologize because your parents can afford a more expensive wedding. Just be supportive of her and her choices.
It's human nature, we're constantly comparing ourselves to others. Don't worry and as long as you're not rubbing it in her face, which I doubt you are, you don't need to feel guilty that your weddings will be different and cost different amounts. Best wishes :)
Has she or anyone else actually said you were a snob? Or do you just feel like they think that? I'm not sure I understand 100%.
Don't feel bad. Just focus on doing what makes you and your fiance happy. It's your day afterall!
Unfortunately its kind of just the way things go. When you have nice things or are more financially set than others it creates jealousy and resentment. Personally I have faced this my whole life. My parents are well off and supported me in college and I got nasty comments from other people all the time. I dont go around talking about money, but people automatically assume youre spoiled. The same goes for my wedding I almost try not to discuss details because I have gotten a few not so nice responses. It bothers me that its ok to be mean to someone who has more money, but I would never pick on someone for having less than me. Its kind of something u have to ignore and learn to deal with.
That's really unfortunate. :( I think if you're not spending yourself into the poorhouse (or your parents!) it's really unfair that people are giving you grief, but people get jealous sometimes. Keep being graceful and gracious and not flaunting that you have something they don't, and I'm sure it will all be fine. :)
If your parents have the money to spend on you, you shouldn't feel guilty. I can't tell if your friends are actually saying stuff to you, or if you just feel bad on your own. Don't worry about it either way.
Based solely on your post, it doesn't sound like she is actually making you feel bad... you're doing that to yourself? I would bet that at least part of this is in your head. If people really ARE saying snobish things to you... I think you need to just have a little compassion and understanding. It can be very hard to work your butt off to pay for a wedding, buy a house, buy a car, etc while watching your friends do absolutely nothing and have things handed to them. It doesn't seem fair (and really-- it isn't). The thing is though, life isn't fair. I might not have parents who can write a check for my dream wedding but I do have parents who helped me some with school and thats more than a lot of peoples' did. etc. Its all a matter of perspective. Someone will always have more than you and someone will always have less. I think we all just need to realize that and keep our own jealousy in check; and cut other ppl a little slack for theirs.
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FI and I are very very lucky - my parents are paying 100% for the wedding, and they haven't given us a set budget. They have pretty much let us spend whatever we want - and we both totally understand that we're so fortunate to be in this position.
Here's my "issue". Our best friends are also getting married 2 months after us. They're parents are chipping in, but they're paying for a majority of their wedding, so budget is an issue. The bride and I are very close, we're actually in eachother wedding! Whenever we discuss the vendors we're using, I end up feeling guility for using "high end" people who cost alot.
Not only is it just her - but why do people thing you're stuck up if you can spend money on you're wedding? I understand the country is an economic hardship...but my parents are fine with it. I dont go around telling people what we're spending, they just assume since I'm getting married at an expensive venue, and using good vendors that we're spending alot. Why must people make be feel bad for being able to have the wedding of my dreams, and make me feel like a snob? I'm not!!!