I cannot stand my FMIL. Tips?

posted 2 years ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
943 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Smile and nod!

My MIL was really passive aggressive during our engagement, but it improved after the wedding. I guess some MILs think you are “taking their baby away” or something. Just try to avoid uncomfortable topics (like religion) and ignore her criticism. Let your FI know how you’re feeling as he should have your back. Hopefully it gets better, but at the least, you need your man on your side!

Post # 3
Member
184 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

I think you should smile and nod to a certain point–youre going to have to deal with this woman for the rest of your life and clearly she has no boundaries or manners. I think at some point you should say something that makes her aware you are picking up on her apparent frustration (aka her being passive aggressive) and that this is how it’s going to be and it’s going to be ok?? Maybe, “I get the sense you think a lot if going to change with your relationship with (your fiance’s name) after we get married, but I don’t intend on that.” the eggs this is a little ridiculous, and it would be hard for me to not snap at that…

As for the religion thing–I think you should nip that in the bud. It’s offensive of her to be putting down your religion. I would say “I’m sorry you feel that way about my religion but that’s what I believe, and I hope my beliefs don’t become something we fight over because that would really hurt my feelings” and if it keeps going “I’m really not comfortable speaking about my religious beliefs with you and I would appreciate if you would stop bringing this conversation up.”

Post # 4
Member
3637 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

Just keeping swimming. 🙂

This is often the time that mothers release that they aren’t needed any more. There is someone else in their son’s life to “take care of them” and they can start to feel very insecure about their role and place in life. 

I have two some suggestions:

1) Next time she is over at your place and you are cooking or something, specifically ask for her to do something for you. Not the main thing (like the turkey) or something too small (like a tossed salad), but swallow your pride a little and say something like “FMIL, I can never seem to get the mashed potatoes right, do you think you would be able to do them for me? Perhaps I can learn how you do it so well.” This will either go one of two ways, she will be thrilled to be of use and will enthusiastically throw herself into the potatoes And leave you to do everything else. Or it will be a nightmare because she will see it as licence to “help” with everything else. You have to just try it and see what kind of person she is.

2) Ask her for her recipe/s on specific dishes and perhaps even a day where you cook together so that she can teach you her secrets. Again, it’s about making her still feel useful and relevant. 

3) Do none of the above, just smile and nod and wait for her to leave. Hopefully with time she will mellow.

 

Post # 5
Member
381 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: Royal Park Hotel

futuremrstx:  How do you deal with this?  By nipping it in the bud.  You host a dinner, she’s in YOUR house?  she can sit the fuck down and deal with how you whisk eggs.  This is the time when you set the standard.  When she is in your house she is to respect you, and your egg whisking and your religion.   When she’s in your house and she steps a toe out of line you correct her and tell her you don’t appreciate it and that in “OUR HOUSE” we go by the beat of a different drummer.   It will be uncomfortable and first but she’ll fall in line eventually.

Post # 6
Member
1136 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

futuremrstx:  Smile and nod with the small/trivial things, but be clear that you’re not a push over and that she has to respect your role as her son’s other half. Be strong from the start, don’t let it snowball! It’s great the she loves her son, but this type of thing can easily get out of control so stand firm and make sure you and your FI are on the same page and that he always has your back.

As for the little things, sometimes it helps me to think that while certain things about my in-laws frustrate me, they are the people who raised the man I love so I have to give them credit for that!

Post # 7
Member
336 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I can post about this in the morning when I have more energy and time but I am on the same boat as you. I smile, I nod, I cringe when I hear about her visiting (hahaha.)  My fiance is also her favorite child BY FAR, she is so obsessed with our life here in California that at one point I was convinced she didn’t think we could live as adults because she’d send 15 texts a day asking the most ridiculous questions. At one point I wanted to say. “yes, I remembered to breath this morning thank you.” She spends about two hours of her time a day tracking my fiance’s work. I mean it is a hot mess. On top of all of that, we are just completely different people. She is very type-A, very traditional, and passive aggressive. I am very free-spirited, go with the flow, adventourous.  She’d watch the videos of me bungee jumping in Africa and make snarky backhanded compliments like “wow Lindsay really has no cares in the world. Good for her!” She describes me to other people as “outside the box. Has an edge to her.” That always cracks me up because I definitely don’t have an edge, what you see is what you get. I’m just happy and like doing new things. 

HERE’S MY LOW DOWN- when you find easy opportunities to show her that “hey this is our life and home, not yours” DO IT. Alot of this will come with wedding planning. I won’t get into all the crazy crap my FMIL has tried (it’s alot) but throughout this process has been the first time I’ve stood up to her. Never anything mean, just simple “thank you for your advice or concerns, but Ry (my fiance) and I got it.”  She needs to recognize you’re the main woman in your man’s life.  She will always be his mom, but you are his wife.  Nip these things now just subtly because if you do plan on having a kid (this was my rationale) you do not want her still barging in all over the place because you know that will happen.  I already told my fiance I want her no where near me during pregnancy or child birth hahaha. Yes a direct quote that came out one night while we were watching some show on pregnancy. I kill her with kindness but I do stand up to her with little things like that when the timing presents itself now. 

Derp:  Also, your comment about sit the f down about killed me. I laughed out loud for multiple minutes. I took that advice to heart for my own situation.

Post # 8
Member
336 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

futuremrstx:  I also can’t believe I just typed all that without acknowledging the thing about religion. It is scary how similar our situations are. I basically got called the devil because I “forced her son” to move in with me before marriage and “ruined his dreams of getting married in a church.”  Both his ideas, btw. He wanted an outdoor wedding just as much as me so our dog could be in it. LOL. Sometimes you just gotta laugh. I think that is the best advice!

Post # 9
Member
3 posts
Wannabee

I’m kind of going through a very similar thing right now as well. What is your relationship with your Fiance’s father? Although I don’t suggest doing what I did to fix this, I ended up calling off the enggement, sending a text to his mother stating how she didn’t have to worry any more about having me as a daughter in law, and pretty much my FFIL got involved. He told his wife that she needs to butt out and that she needs to let go. I suggest saving yourself the trauma of this all and just talk to your Fiance or FFIL to tallk to the mother about how she needs to let him grow up. Let her know that the more she is passive aggressive towards you, the more she will drive you away, and the more she will drive her son away. If she wants a relationship with you she has to be nicer. A religous person would treat their FDIL with more respect than what it seems she is giving you.<br />futuremrstx:  

Post # 11
Member
2763 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Hire a hit man!  I’m coming to the conclusion that that’s going to be the only way to get rid of my husband’s brother’s wife. I’ve never met a human being who is such a conniving, sociopathic narcissist. 

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