(Closed) I cannot stand my SO’s sister…. (SUPER LONG)

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
2053 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@stardustintheeyes:  This is very unfortunate. For me, this would be deal breaker city! He is putting his sister’s needs above your relationship. While family is important, there is such a thing as a healthy sister-brother relationship, and this is not healthy.

Two wrongs don’t make a right? I don’t understand how it is wrong of him to say no to her…unless, he is guilty about something and feels like he owes her something due to their history which also gives me the heebie jeebies. Ugh.

Clearly the sister has a history of leaning on her siblings but your man is the only sibling that caves to this extent. Saying he’ll make sure you two don’t suffer because of this is ignoring what is happening to your relationship RIGHT NOW. Your relationship IS suffering, emotionally.

Don’t beat your head against the wall about this any more. Enough is enough. If his sister can put her foot down, so can you…out the door. If he doesn’t stand up for himself to her and come running to you, you have your answer.

Strength, dear lady. Strength.

 

Post # 4
Member
891 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I’ve got nothing for advice, but geesh, she needs to grow up! That’s craziness. I don’t blame you a bit for not wanting to put up with that, I couldn’t handle it.

I hope you can get through to him!

Post # 6
Member
2651 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

he’s not helping her, he’s enableing her! Helping her is “Ok, you can stay here but you have to do xy and z… “

I don’t know OP, it would be a deal breaker for me. could he say 100% certain that he would not go out of his way to help his sister once you are married?

I know for a fact that if my little brother needed help, it would happen in a heartbeat and FI be damned ( he’s ok with this I promise) but I also would not allow  my brother to take advantage of me.  He would have gotten a job and if he decided to move, its more than reasonable for him to take a uhaul himself, she can pay some one to help her unload..

Post # 7
Member
573 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I don’t have any advice but I wanted to say I am sorry you are going through this and stay strong. It is unfortunate that he hasn’t been able to strike that balance between staying loyal to family while starting to build your own family and putting their needs first.

I hope that all it takes is you letting him know it’s a deal breaker for him to stand up to her.

Post # 8
Member
134 posts
Blushing bee

I don’t blame you for being upset one bit. What his sister is demanding is 110% unreasonable.

 

However, you are well on your way to winning the war. Right now your #1 priority is to get this mooch out of your SO’s house. So, be supportive of your SO and if he feels he HAS to be the one to move her to Texas – let him…for now.  Once she’s out of his house and hair, and exhausted from the ordeal and financially strapped from the trip  THEN you put your foot down and tell him you’ve compromised as much as you’re willing to in regards to his sister’s enabling, and that the other 2 storage units of stuff are not your (the two of you) problem.  

Part 2 is to get him into some therapy/counselling to deal with the issues from his childhood and to teach him that it’s ok to erect reasonable boundaries & how to do so. Do not marry him or have more children with him until you are 100% sure that these feelings of unreasonable obligations to his sister/others over YOUR family unit are resolved.

Good luck!

Post # 10
Member
9630 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@Zanne54:  I completely agree with this. 

OP:  It’s not right that you’re both having to deal with her.  But you are almost rid of her!  Try to stay more emotionally calm and not put your FI in the position of having to choose between you.  He sounds as though he’s more kindhearted a person than he needs to be where she’s concerned, however, think of the alternative.  You wouldn’t want him to be the kind of man to turn his back on a family member or put her out on the street.  So, take a breath and look at the positives of this.  I agree it totally SUCKS the way she has planned this, she’s milking every last drop of blood possible.  But, try to help him in any way you can and see if you can come up with some compromises.  And pretty soon it will all be over and you’ll be RID OF HER.  Good luck!!

One More Thing:  Don’t let her win by letting her come between you and FI!!  Work it out with him.  Nothing would make her happier than to break you up.

Post # 11
Member
146 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@imalittlebirdie:  I agree with what you said.

@stardustintheeyesTell your SO that you are willing to accept ONE trip down.  Consider this the best situation for all – you get rid of sister and SO doesn’t feel guilty for not helping her.  The other two trips are completely off the table.  If her stuff has been in storage for 6 months, chances are she doesn’t need it anyways.

If she still insists that she needs her stuff…then compromise.  In 1 year from now, if she still needs it, then SO can drive it down at her expense. Until that 1 year is up, if she wants it, she can come get it.

Price of gas is what you pay for your freedom. 

Post # 12
Member
693 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Who pays for all of her storage units?! Those aren’t cheap! I’d put my foot down too. If it’s happening now, it could happen again.

Post # 13
Member
3220 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

@Zanne54:  Totally agree.  She gets one last help to move to Texas, then she’s out of your hair for good.  

I’d also ask him what he plans on doing once you’re married and cohabitating.  Is he going to let her stay in your house someday when she needs a place to stay?

Post # 14
Member
970 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I actually feel the sorriest for this guy’s other sister. Even if he spends the time, money and energy helping her three times, there’s still an end in sight. Your other sister in law, however, is going to get taken advantage of for the next how many years.

If your FI did choose to help his sister the two more times, I don’t think that is a matter of him choosing her over you. I bet your FI feels tremendous guilt over kicking her out (logical or not, you can’t help how you feel) and doing this for her may help assauge some of that guilt.

Post # 16
Member
134 posts
Blushing bee

@stardustintheeyes

I’m happy to hear you’re already in counselling and that it’s been working for you. I’m also happy to hear that, push come to shove, your FI would chose you over his dysfunctional, toxic sister.

Maybe something to consider in your convo tonight – if your FI can’t be the “bad guy” in this situation re: his sister – are YOU willing to take on that role/police the boundaries/enforce consequences? and would he be willing to support you in it?

And really, once she’s in Texas, what can she really do to you?  Yell? Stomp her feet? Take away your toys? Threatening “depression” is emotional manipulation – if she threatens to harm herself because of something you did – call the authorities to have her put her in 72 hour observation. If she harasses you by email/text/phone/whatever, first of all document it. Tell her to stop or “consequences”. She escalates; you enforce the consequence – police, harrassment charges, cease & desist letters, restraining orders, time out, full cut-off, etc.

You’re almost there – just hang in a little longer and she won’t be your problem any more. Good luck!

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