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Let me explain as quickly as possible as I'm at work, lol...
I love my fiance DEEPLY. I can't believe that he found me and that I get to marry my soul mate. I am very very open with him, but there is one thing he doesn't know. I keep thinking about an ex. He knows about this ex, but he doesn't know I am thinking about him. My FI hates my ex. Says he would "punch his lights out" if he ever saw him. Hates him for hurting me so much.
No, I am not still in love with my ex. And yet, I find myself wondering what he's doing or if he ever regrets hurting me.
To make a super long story short: My ex is a raging alcoholic. I tried to save his life twice by staging interventions. According to his mom, they have staged interventions for him countless other times. He is a "working alcoholic" and was never abusive with me unless you count emotional abuse. (He only told me he loved me when he was drunk and took it back when he sobered up).
My question, and that's ok, be honest, is "how do I stop thinking about this guy?" Please suggest things other then therapy. What I am thinking is this: Send a quick abrupt email and tell him I am getting married. My relationship with him was TOXIC. He nearly destroyed me and yet I know it's because he is very very ill with alcoholism and he always wanted to "know that I was happy". If I let him know I am BEYOND happy, will this close the book on him? I haven't seen him in 2 years. We dated for 10 months. We met 3 years ago.
Thank you Bees.
Don't contact him. That is definitely a bad idea. It's best to let these things go. Contacting him would signify to him that you still care. Adn whether or not you do, that is not what you want.
It is natural to have these thoughts and wonder about old exes. We all do it. If it's bad enough that it is truly bothering you, I recommend a therapist to talk it out with.
Good luck!
You seem like a caretaker. I could be off-base but are you more worried about him and that he's OK healthwise since he's got a serious problem then anything else?
I'm sure he will find out you are married, what do you think it would accomplish to let him know personally, especially with the potential that it might hurt your FI?
Why would you need to make any contact with him? Is it to have closure on your end?
I was in a 5 year relationship with an extremely toxic, abusive (emotionally and physically) guy and I still think about him too. His dad recently passed away (and the dad was no older than early forties) so the only email I've sent to him is to say sorry to hear about your father.
There is no reason for you to contact him. He has issues, and you're no longer a part of his life and I don't see any reason why you would need to tell him that you're "beyond happy." It's none of his business to be honest.
All of the following is said with the disclaimer that I, of course, know only what you've posted here.
Please, please do not send a letter. Such an action could very well open lines of communication between you two that you do not intend to open as you are happy and love your fiance.
It sounds to me like perhaps you just need some sort of closure. Writing a letter (but not sending it) may help you find it. Going to your ex will likely only reopen wounds that you have probably worked very hard to heal. Say everything you have ever wanted to say - and before ending it, make sure you reflect on what lessons you learned from that relationship. None of us would be the person we are now without past important relationships - the good, the bad, and the ugly ones.
I recommend you find your closure - but without contacting your ex.
I think that when you love and care for someone at some point in your life, you will always love and care about them regardless of whether or not they are in your life.
My suggestion based on my own experiences is this: DO NOT contact him-it will open Pandora's box and DO NOT mention this to your Fiance.
In my opinion, the feelings/thoughts are personal and normal but do not need to be something you think about all day/everyday. If you were saying you were still in love with this guy and/or considering calling off your engagement, then there would be reason to worry.
Just take a step back and look at what your Fiance means to you and all his good qualities and that will be enough to snap back to reality and realize that you're wasting your time!
@ troubled, I am definitely a caretaker, yes. But even though this will sound horrible and evil, what I want to accomplish with "ex" is to let him know he did not ruin the rest of my life. But not in a nice way, more of a spiteful way. The story is just too long to post here, but my OP says he always wanted to know that I was happy, however, when Mr. Hyde emerged, he was selfish and indifferent and really really hurt me emotionally. Dare I use the word "revenge"? I want him to know I am happy as "revenge?"
I wouldn't contact him. I think with time, you'll think of him less and less (you should anyway) and if you don't, then perhaps you should speak to somebody.
I would suggest writing a letter BUT DON'T SEND IT like some other posters have said. It will let you hash out everything in writing. just burn it or rip it into a million pieces when you are done.
I can kind of relate. Before I met FI I was in a really destructive relationship, we kind of brought out the worst in each other. I still struggle with it and wonder why we weren't able to make a meaningful emotional connection. I have nothing but good feelings for my other exes, but with this dude, a big part of me kind of hopes he's miserable.
Anyway, I don't think you should contact him. I don't think that will help you to stop thinking about him. I think you have to try to come to terms with your feelings, with what happened, and accept it. I'm a fan of writing letters/journal entries to yourself to get some of it out there.
Is it possible you view your relationship with the ex as unfinished business since you "failed" to help him recover from alcoholism? I think one of the best ways to really move past something is to sit down and really think about how you handled the relationship. If you did all that you could possibly do to be loving and supportive to your ex, then that's all you can do. There is no sense in opening those lines of communication back up and risking getting sucked into that drama all over again.
Okay. So this may sound stupid and corny. Forgive him. And then forgive yourself for letting him "nearly destroy" you. I was always very angry at my ex for similar reasons and my coworker said well, its your fault too. I started thinking about it and I realized although his behavior was WAY worse, I was not perfect either. And I just kinda let it go.
I also say don't contact him. I have an ex who I still sometimes think about, and in the past I tried the "one last e mail to close the book" (and I wanted some revenge, too) and it doesn't work like that (at least for me it didn't). Either he won’t respond, and then you’ll wonder why he didn’t, or he will respond, and either won’t say what you are looking for him to say, or will say what you want him to say, but either way, I don’t think it helps or brings any closure.
What if every time you think of him, you say to yourself basically just what you said here: The relationship was toxic, he nearly destroyed me. (then tell yourself) Stop thinking about him.
I think its natural to think about ex’s, especially when you are getting ready to get married and make such a huge commitment, and thinking about anything can have a snowball effect: the more you think about him (or think about how not to think about him), the more you will think about him.
When he pops into your head, just repeat some mantra to yourself, and force your mind to move on. Soon, you won’t be thinking about him at all. I also like the idea a previous poster had about writing a letter with all your feelings, but not sending it. Good luck!
don't EVER seek revenge. you are the one who will suffer. it's this little thing called KARMA.
I'm glad you came to us first. Hopefully we can bring you over to our side!
Ahh, I see. Well, I've heard that the opposite of love isn't hate because hate shows emotion but instead it's indifference. Don't know the truth to that and this is somewhat of b**chy advice, but I think the action is the best one for the situation, is to not tell him yourself. If you tell him in some random note you are seeking him out and showing you still care, and that's not what you're going for. He'll find out your married and happy, I'm sure you've got facebook or something and one of his friends has seen it. Just be happy, knowing you are happy and that he didn't ruin you and just don't give him any chance to spoil that.
BeeBee...
I hear you. And I'm sure it doesnt feel good to have EVERYONE on this blog scream "DONT DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!"... But I think its worth hearing. The reason everyone is so adamant is because this will open lines of communication, cause you to backtrack any moves toward closure you've made thus far, and just open yourself up to the possibility of being hurt again. It could easily be the opposite of closure. I think perhaps though, the two most important points about this are that one, by showing him you're happy, by having your 'revenge' - you're inherently giving him POWER. Within that action you subconsciously say: You still make me angry. You still hurt me. I'm not over this... So HERE! He does not deserve to know you still think about him, he does not deserve to know you're doing well, and you deserve to move on from him and that pain toward a happy and fulfilling life with your fiance. That move would be self-defeating. I think equally important, is to think about how your fiance would feel if he knew you contacted him. Sure, jealousy at a point is silly and not worth feeding into, but it also speaks some truth. If he knew you were reaching out to him - would he be hurt to know you're thinking about him? Would he be hurt to know you still let this guy get under your skin? It implies he still has some power over you in a way... I dont think your fiance would want to hear that but most importantly - I dont think YOU would want that either. I believe the farther you distance from him the better you will feel. Sometimes there is no official point of closure and time just needs to heal the wounds...
First: I think it is a bad idea to contact him at all. He's been out of your life for awhile and there is no reason for you to initate contact again.
Second: Do you feel that you had closure from your break-up? If not, (and i can relate to this), you may feel like reaching out will tie up any lose ends. While I sympathize feeling this way, I strongly suggest not acting on it. If you think it is more of a closure aspect, you could try this: Write a letter "to him" but really email it to yourself, or your close friend/family member. That way you have expressed your feelings, but haven't opened any pandora's boxes.
In terms of your 'revenge;' you already have it. You are happy and have found the love of your life. Whether or not he finds out (which I'm sure he will eventually) doesn't actually matter, because you know that you're much better off with your soon to be husband.
@ coffeekitty, lol ! I'm glad I came here first too.
Ladies, let me emphasize that I DO NOT STILL HAVE FEELINGS FOR THIS PERSON. In fact, in hindsight, I never really loved him (in the true sense of the word) at all. Living with an alcoholic is surreal. You start to believe that your drunk relationship is really the "real world" but it was not. Thats why when he sobered and pushed me away, it hurt so bad. I tried to push him away countless times too. Even tried to call the police when he wouldn't stop knocking on my door. But he kept coming back and cried and ugh, it was a nightmare. I just want to wake up from it.
I don't think about him every day, by the way. But "God Bless America" was played during the hockey game last night and there's a story behind that anthem, my ex and myself.
However, I guess the old adage is true? The best revenge is being happy? :)
We all think about old ex's and as time goes on these thoughts will fade.... IF you do NOT contact him!
Just let things lie - remain distant and have 0 contact with him!
Eventually thoughts will fade!
Definitely don't contact him. It is normal that you still think about this. I still occasionally think of an ex I haven't seen or had contact with for 10 years ... he had the last vicious word in that relationship and I admit sometimes I just really want to say one. more. thing. But I have worked really hard to forgive him and forgive myself for that relationship and let it go. Mostly I have, but I'm human.
I second the advice to lay everything out in a letter, but DO NOT SEND IT. The letter is for you, just to get everything off your chest and let yourself say everything you ever wanted to say. Then burn it and eat a bunch of chocolate (or whatever your preferred poison is). It might sound a bit silly but sometimes a little ritual like that can help more than you'd imagine.
Thank you girls. there is no way "ex" will find out I am getting married. We had no mutual friends, we never left my apartment, it was our own little psycho scary world for 10 months. But you know what? Y'all are right. He doesn't have to know I married. I know that I am marrying my FI that I love so so much. "Ex" is probably still drinking, (unfortunately) and my relationship with ex will make for a great novel one day when I start writing again 
I've been in a similar relationship. I've also wanted to contact the ex, but for me it's more to throw it in his face how amazing my SO is Which is also not nice. So speaking from a similar experience, please don't contact him. For the sake of you!
Please don't contact him. It allows him control over you, yet again. Making it matter what he thinks about your life now gives him control. Don't even open the door to your life a tiny crack by contacting him!
You want to stop thinking about him? Write down all the reasons he made your life miserable. Then think about why on earth you would think there is any benefit to you to contacting him.
You are thinking of him, because in your eyes, there was NO closure. He hurt you, you loved him, and he emotionally abused you. You may never stop thinking about him but it will lessen over time.
As far as the email is concerned, I say send him one. But if he responds, dont read it and delete it IMMEDIATELY. It may hurt you and cause further concern or it may be something that would may you more curious and next thing you know you're emailing him all the time.
Just remember, just because it's closure for you, doesnt mean it will be closure for him.
Beebee, I think it's safe to say you shouldn't contact him.
It seems to me you need to look within yourself as to why you feel the need to get "revenge"... you see, the opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. So perhaps, since you feel a strong need to hurt him now, you still love him to some degree?
I will tell you what I have learned in my long 32 years... When you aren't sure what to do, don't do anything at all. Stand still. Your mind will clear and you will be happy to know you refrained from doing what your ego told you to do. It is very easy to do what feels good/right at the moment, but when you will truly find happiness and enlightenment is when you DEPRIVE yourself of doing what you really want to do. Especially when it's destrustive, as this is.
Never seek revenge, you are a better person. And if you feel you aren't, well, now is the time to prove to yourself you are better than you think. Can you imaging a better time to have a big, beautiful growth spurt, than just before your wedding?
I hope you are able to work throught his. Forgiveness is key. Always forgive the people who hurt you, or you will just end up carrying that burden.
If you need to vent, please email me... we can chat :)
Alma
Beebee, I think it's safe to say you shouldn't contact him.
It seems to me you need to look within yourself as to why you feel the need to get "revenge"... you see, the opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. So perhaps, since you feel a strong need to hurt him now, you still love him to some degree?
I will tell you what I have learned in my long 32 years... When you aren't sure what to do, don't do anything at all. Stand still. Your mind will clear and you will be happy to know you refrained from doing what your ego told you to do. It is very easy to do what feels good/right at the moment, but when you will truly find happiness and enlightenment is when you DEPRIVE yourself of doing what you really want to do. Especially when it's destrustive, as this is.
Never seek revenge, you are a better person. And if you feel you aren't, well, now is the time to prove to yourself you are better than you think. Can you imaging a better time to have a big, beautiful growth spurt, than just before your wedding?
I hope you are able to work throught his. Forgiveness is key. Always forgive the people who hurt you, or you will just end up carrying that burden.
If you need to vent, please email me... we can chat :)
Alma
I would say don't contact him. That being said, I think it is very natural for you to be thinking about him and hoping he is okay/well. Maybe I'm wrong but my guess is that it will just take time for you to think about him less and less. Maybe you will never having him out of your mind/heart compeltely, but you won't be thinking about him every day/every week/however often it is. Plus, you are in a great relationship and this ex doesn't seem to be affecting your love with your FI. Good luck!
@ MrsH1010 WOW, you are the first to say "email him". May I ask if this has happened to you before? Is that what you did? emailed your ex?
Now... could you really not read an email response from him, if he sent one?? The can of worms would be opened by then :(
@ tylersrain - I truly believe I could ignore his reply. I mean, OF COUSE I WOULD READ IT - what I mean is, I would not reply back and start correspondence. However, if I know him, and I think I truly do, he would not reply. But at least he would know. I remember one night I was sitting and reading my Nicholas Sparks novel when he came crying at my door. Said he missed me. Said he spent the whole afternoon calling ex's because he was drunk and lonely and they all laughed at him. They were engaged or married. I can't believe I just wrote that. I am not that mean tylersrain. I won't do it.
DO NOT DO NOT DO NOT contact him. I definitely understand where you are coming from in wanting him to know that you've moved on and are happy. I've had a similar nagging voice in my head for most of my engagement. I don't have any feelings for my ex - but I've wanted to contact him on MORE than one occasion to tell him. But, I've stopped short and each time am SOOO glad I haven't contacted him.
You will think about your ex from time to time - but those thoughts should dissipate as you build your life and new memories with your FH. I think it's perfectly normal to think about past relationships and wonder what those people are doing, etc - but, if you ever find it reaching an unhealthy level (which I'm not saying you've reached) you really need to do some soul searching as to why you are thinking about an ex so much.
The other thing that helps me NOT go through with contacting my ex - is the thought of my FI. How dishonoring it is to our relationship and who FI is to me. I ask myself WHY do I want to rub it in my ex's face that I'm getting married. Part of me feels like it's a - "look what you lost out on, loser" type conversation.... And sometimes it's a desire to check in on him to make sure he's doing ok. But, you know what??? IT'S NOT MY JOB TO DO. And, I know it would send my ex in a tailspin and likely mess him up (with thoughts of - wow -she's thinking of me - what does this mean). Also, from what you've said, think about how your FI would feel if he knew you reached out to your ex. Then, take that energy you have about being concerned about your ex - and change the action to doing something sweet and loving for your FI. Every time you think of emailing your ex, do something wonderful for your FI - and hopefully that will start to change the pattern and the revenge feelings you have will change to just hoping the best for this person that was once in your life and being perfectly content to simply leaving it at that.
It seems you have your heart set on emailing him. I still can't quite understand why you feel he needs to know.
Your paths crossed VERY BRIEFLY over two years ago. You have continued on your path, and are now engaged. How lovely.
I say, let him continue on his.
What are you hoping to feel after you have sent the email, by the way? Are the skies supposed to open up suddenly, and reveal somethign amazing?
I will tell you what will happen:
You will OBSSESS over your email, hitting refresh every little while. You say you don't expect him to reply, but I smell (excuse my french) bullshit. That's what we all tell ourselves, so that in the event he doesn't reply, you don't feel like a fool.
Then, what if he actually doen't reply... you will wonder why. Is he drunk? Dead? Moved to Finland??? Curiosity...
If he does... and what will he say?
"YAY, good to hear?" "I f-ing hate you?"
WHAT DOES IT MATTER WHAT HE HAS TO SAY???
You were dependent on him to give you happiness back then, and to some degree you are still seeking that now.
You are so right ORACLE and the reason I haven't done anything thus far is my wonderful FI. I think of him and could never press "send"
Write the email and send it to a friend, hitting send might help. Then bury it.
Tylersrain, at first you were very kind and supportive and now you've turned on me:
You were dependent on him to give you happiness back then, and to some degree you are still seeking that now.
that statement is absolutely FALSE. My FI brings me happiness like none before him or (God forbid) after him. Please don't presume things. I just finished writing you (in bold) in a post above, that I would not do it.
Thanks everyone for your help.
Beebee... I did not turn on you. If I am wrong, I am glad.
Look at this thread, Bee... alot of stangers that care so much about you, someone we've never met.
Whatever you do in life, choose happiness.
Bee Bee,
The best closure is to find a place inside yourself of healing. I find that the best way to come by that closure is a little counseling to help figure out the issues that you are hanging on to... After all, as you say, it's not about him, it's about you.
I agree that contacting him is a bad idea. It could have so many unintended consequences....however, if you feel as though you MUST email him, maybe you should do it from one of those 10 minute disposable email addresses that disappear after ten minutes, so if he does reply, a) you can't read it and b) he won't have your permanent email.
You can add me to the chorus of bees who are telling you not to contact him. What this will accomplish is hurt to your FI if he ever finds out that you did contact him, and satisfaction to your ex who will think that you still care enough to keep him updated on your life. I know you're saying that you don't care, but to me, sending an email like that would prove to the other person that you DO still care.
Take the high road and leave it alone. I like FutureMrsKirsch's idea of forgiveness. Should you run into him after you're married, flash your ring finger and let him know that you couldn't be happier in your life, and that you haven't given him a thought in YEARS. But, don't contact him...b/c that would leave him to believe that there are still feelings there on your part, and you certainly don't want him thinking that.
I'm sorry Tylersrain, if I misinterpreted you. Thank you for caring.
WILL NOT EMAIL HIM> but how about this? Send him an invite with no RSVP card? LOL ! I"m just kidding girls, but can you imigine his face???
xoxo
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