Post # 1
This is probably going to be a long post. Prepare yourselves. I wanted to go anonymous for this post but I really didn’t want to go through the hassle of creating a new account. Oh well here goes nothing:
So my FI and I have been together over 5 years. We got engaged a little after 4 years. We definitely have had our share of ups and downs but always somehow manage to work things out. We have never broke up. It’s mostly been arguments or disagreements that take a few days to sort out. My previous relationship had been a mess. I was verbally and physically abused. I made a promise to myself that I would never allow myself to be treated that way again. When I met FI he was pretty much everything I ever looked for. Sweet, polite, caring, and honest. Somewhere between then and now things have changed drastically. During the past few years I’ve noticed that my FI’s behavior and attitude has become very negative. Everyone says how amazing my FI is but I don’t think they really know him like I do. He now has a habit of cussing at me when we argue. Just yestereday he got upset because my father has decided that he didn’t want to do the father daughter dance (against religious beliefs) so he really lashed out at me and said some pretty nasty things. He got mad when I defended my dad. He called me a worthless POS and a f***ing idiot. I am so heartbroken over this. He has also started making comments about my weight all the time. I’m not actually medically overweight but I am pretty short in stature so weight shows pretty quickly on me. The other night we were out with another couple and my FI kept making jokes at my expense. He even looked at me and said I had “nasty sideburns”. I just don’t understand why he would make fun of something I can’t change. A few months after we got engaged we went out with some friends for drinks. My FI drank alot and starting saying that I lied to him about my number of sex partners. I was so offended. He starting saying that I was a slut and that he knew for a fact that I couldn’t have been that few of guys. I keep trying to make excuses for his behavior but in the back of my mind I feel like I am that same girl 6 years ago who blamed herself when she shouldn’t have. Why do I keep finding these men who treat me so horribly? I feel like I somehow turned my FI into this person. The worst part about this is I’m starting to believe the things that he is telling me. Are there other bee’s out there that feel like you can relate? Do you cuss at each other when you fight?
I won’t back out of the wedding. I don’t think I have the guts to do something so drastic.
Post # 3
My husband has never, ever cussed at me, put me down, called me a slut or a f*cking idiot. You deserve better. I encourage you to gather your guts and do something drastic. It will only get worse after the wedding.
Edited to add: Take care of yourself, honey. You did NOT make him this way – he’s just now showing his true colors. Don’t believe his lies. He wants you to believe the lies, to let your self esteem drop, to think you’re lucky to even have him or something. NOT true – you deserve better.
Post # 4
I am so sorry he’s treating you this way. You absolutely do not deserve this abuse. But think about it…what’s worse? Backing out of a wedding to an abusive man or marrying an abusive man and divorcing him later on because his behavior has only gotten worse?
My husband and I fight and sometimes we’re the type of couple that will occasionally swear and call names during our fights. However, not once have we ever belittled each other’s appearance or deliberately insulted each other in front of friends. That is just so not okay.
Post # 5
Please get out of this… I don’t care what you have to do, this is terrible.
Post # 6
@danisalci13: Please, do not go through with the wedding!! I have called off a wedding before and it was not the end of the world. Thank God I did. I have never personally experienced an abusive relationship, but it sounds like that’s where this is going.
My DH and I would never speak to each other like that because we care about each other. That is not normal AT ALL. I would be heartbroken if my husband said the things your FI is saying ot you. In no way is it your fault. That is all him, and not even knowing you I can tell you that you deserve SO much more.
Post # 7
@danisalci13: Oh dear, I am so sorry you are in this situation…but I really don’t think you should go through with marrying him. It sounds like you two are not in a good place. There is NEVER EVER a reason to treat a significant other like this. Nor should you justify what he is doing to you.
Is your date listed accurate? If so, you should consider postponing or cancelling the wedding immediately. If you aren’t happy now, marriage will NOT change anything. It will difficult, but leaving a marriage is a lot difficult than breaking up.
I won’t tell you to break up or leave (though personally I would), but you really should think about why you would want to stay…other than it has become normal or it is convenient. Can you come up with enough positives to outweigh the negatives?
If you do decide to stay, I would suggest counseling, asap.
Post # 8
No, my husband has never cursed at me. You are being emotionally abused. I am so sorry this is happening to you. Don’t you ever listen to the garbage he says to you. No real man thinks it is ok to put down a woman in private or embarass her in public.
Post # 9
My DH has never cussed at me or called me a name. I can’t even imagine how hurtful it would be to hear the things you do from your FI. You need to get a handle on this now. You already recognize whats happening – don’t ignore it. If you don’t feel you can walk away or that it isn’t to that point yet then at least get him to go to some type of counseling with you.
Post # 10
Oh please don’t go through with the wedding. He’s just STARTING. He hasn’t fully revealed his abusive behavior. You know it’s wrong, you told yourself you wouldn’t put up with this again. NOW is the time to stop it
ETA: My SO would absolutely NEVER speak to me like that, nor I her. He does not respect you. It’s blatantly obvious. Marrying this man is a huge huge mistake
Post # 11
@danisalci13: If you won’t back out of the wedding, can you put it on hold? Many vendors will co-operate by letting your deposits be credited to a future date.
Clearly you recognize the warning signs and are concerned about them.
Why do I keep finding these men who treat me so horribly? I feel like I somehow turned my FI into this person.
I think you know in your heart of hearts that you are not responsible for the changes in your FI’s behavior. You are however, responsible for being in a relationship with him. I suggest you seek counselling, by yourself and/or with him. There is some need in you that needs to be addressed re why you tolerate this kind of behavior. Your self esteem needs to be boosted so you do not remain with men who treat you so poorly. A woman with healthy self- esteem would rather be by herself than be with someone who is abusive to her.
Post # 12
The cussing part I can relate to. Some people swear when things get tense, and surely things are stressful with the wedding coming up. But, the fact that he has insulted you in front of friends and the fact that he does not believe your word on something as intimate as sex partners…that is huge cause for concern. If my FI said those things to me, I would be out of that relationship so fast. I know you say that backing out of the wedding isn’t an option, but honestly if his behavior has changed as drastically as you say for no reason, you may need to make a drastic decision yourself. You know him best – maybe he is stressed and he’s not handling this well. That can be addressed within reason. But, if you have any reason to believe this isn’t a phase or due to temporary things, you should really think about your decision to marry him, because it’s not going to improve after the wedding.
Post # 13
You say you don’t have the guts to back out of the wedding… That’s not a valid reason for staying in a negative, abusive relationship.Please get out of this. Please don’t start believing the terrible things he says. You don’t deserve to be treated like this.
Post # 14
@danisalci13: Oh sweetie. I am so sorry you are going through this. There is nothing you could possibly do that would “turn” your fiance into someone who would say such awful things to you. I know it seems “drastic” to call off the wedding, but are you ready for a lifetime of this?
You deserve better. Maybe that even means that he permanently IS better.. but he is being verbally abusive and it isn’t okay.
Post # 15
I wouldn’t just cancel the wedding but at the same time I wouldn’t just go through with it. You need to stand up for yourself and refuse to be treated like this. I would go for couples therapy and discuss this and see if he is willing to work towards correcting this.
When FI and I fight there is our fair share of cussing when we are both at the blood boiling level. He’s called me a number of ridiculous names and I’ve called him the same. We’ve had to put our foot down with one another and make it clear that we can’t say whatever we want when we are angry. We keep eachother in check and after we are done fighting if someone did say something very hurtful we have a little talk about how we feel.
Don’t be afraid to leave. FI and I once took a 1 week break when things got bad due to something he did during a fight, but it was an eye opener for him and he did his best to correct his behaviour.
Sometimes FI can say really nasty stuff and I’ll just ignore him because I know he is fuming mad. I’ll just remind myself that I myself say things I do not mean and he is no exception. I also recognize sometimes I really egged him into saying those things and that we were both at fault during the fights.
Cutting and running isn’t the answer but neither is hoping it’ll get better. You need to take action and do something to correct the situation.
Post # 16
FI has called me a bitch under his breath, I’ve also called him an idiot. But I can’t imagine being in your shoes. Either get therapy or leave. I don’t think there is a 3rd option.