Post # 1
So, I’m new to the bee. At first I was just lurking in the ring forums for knowledge, ideas and pretty ring pics of course, but now I feel like I need some real advice.
I got enaged a few months ago and have been with my guy for about 5 years before that and I’m almost 29. I was in no hurry to get married and timing seems to be perfect because everyhting has been smooth sailing for us for 5 years (I’m knocking on wood right now so not to curse myself) and i feel like we are both finally ready to get hitched. I love my fiance, can picture growing old with him, having his children and can’t imagine a happy life without him. That all being said, there is one guy in my group of friends who I only see maybe twice a year. I don’t really know him, he’s a friend of a friend, but there is this unbelievable, raw, sexual tension between us. At first I thought it was just me & would avoid even saying hi to him because I feel like its that obvious to all of our friends around us (though looking back I dont think anyone has ever noticed). Part of me wants to avoid him like the plague but when he’s around it gets my adrenaline going, and I’m happy when he comes around. This guy, I can NOT picture being with forever and by no means love him.
So that all being said, this past wekeend at party where everyone was drinking, he voiced that he was feeling the same sexual tension & then i told him i was engaged, which he did not believe until I flashed my sparkly. I feel like if I had had anymore to drink I would have possibly cheated on my FI! I cant believe I’m saying this, nothting happened but i can’t help but wonder if i coiuld have progressed?! I have never cheated on him and am def thankful I didnt. The whole situation is making me wonder if I feel this sexual tension between this guy because now that I’m engaged I officially can’t have him? Or maybe I’m like some guys who aren’t wired to sleep with one person forever and ever (this guy is speak of is one of them as well). or maybe its his carefree lifestyle that I’m attracted to, knowing that he would never want to settle down and it would just be great sex? These feelings are making me wonder if i should get married?! If I will be with my fiance and wonder if I should have waited and had a little more fun, but then part of me says I have def had enough single gal fun all through my late teens until my now fiance! I wonder if my feelings are anxiety based b/c I know officailly and no longer single? Any other girls had something like this after they got engaged?
Thanks for reading my super long post!
Post # 3
Just because you’re sexually attracted to some other guy doesn’t mean you shouldn’t marry your fiance…UNLESS you don’t think you want to marry him.
Consider both issues separately – do you want to marry your fiance? Or is this attraction a manifestation of the fact that your not really ready? Just because your fiance is a good guy and good on paper that doesn’t mean you’ll want to marry him. If you can’t honestly answer “Yes” then maybe you need to reconsider the engagement.
However if you do want to marry your fiance – you need to avoid this guy. He’s not going to care that you’re engaged – so don’t put yourself in a bad position. If you continue to put yourself around this guy alone, that should tell you that you’re not worried about the possible consequences to your relationship with your fiance. It’s not a bad thing, but your fiance deserves the truth – no testing the waters and keeping him on the hook.
Post # 4
Awh, sweetie. This is NORMAL. Humans are animals. When we see a good “mate” or a good candidate for reproduction, our insticts tell us to reproduce! Don’t be ashamed of it. There’s a guy at work who I feel the same way about, and I’ve just learned that it’s best to only talk to him if it’s work related (he’s one of those co-workers who likes to lurk in your office and keep conversation up all day). Don’t worry about it!
Post # 5
I really do want to be with my fiance forever, he’s my everything. And this other guys is only sexual attraction, its like its some sort of chemical reaction around him, and I do not have any other feelings for him. I guess I think I was reading into it too much, just worrying that it meant I wasn’t made to be with one man forever. But I am def comfortable and happy to say that I want to spend my life with my fiance. I guess its part of the novelty and knowing its somehting I can’t ahae that fuels the chemistry lol.
@firsttimemom: I def think part of its an instinct thing now that you say it, you hit the nail on the head!
Post # 6
Can I ask how old you are? Your advice is well thought out, I will make sure to avoid being alone with him, I think that will help diffuse things too. =)
I really feel better now that I actually admitted this out loud & know that you ladies have no reason to sugar coat or judge so i get the most honest replies. Thanks again!
Post # 7
I am a little concerned that you could see yourself cheating on your husband, drinks or not. And I don’t mean that in a judgmental way, I promise. Are you secure in saying that those thoughts came from the alcohol and the attraction only?
I completely believe you that you love your Fiance and that you truly want to marry him. I guess I just want to make sure that you understand where these troubling feelings are coming from so that they don’t come back to haunt you later.
Post # 8
I’m sorta going through the same thing as you. There’s this guy in the past whom I had good connections with keeps popping up in my mind when I have a happily good thing with my fiance. This guy I can never see marrying because he’s all about himself. My fiance is everything to me and in the long run all that matters is the good friendship me and my fiance have will last forever. Just wish I knew how to erase this “other man” from my mind!
Post # 9
I feel like as humans, we can definitely run into this kind of sexual tension and not know what it means. To me, it means you are alive!
As long as you don’t act on it, I see it as an opportunity to inspire you to ravage your fiance, or even do some (maybe tmi for some) role play. Maybe what you excites you about this guy is his mystery and magnetism. It’s nothing you can’t recreate with your fiance, I promise.
You don’t want to rely on this tactic all the time, of course, but it adds a level of excitement to the relationship and also leaves you satisfied because it will change up the normal sexual chemistry you and your fiance have.
Post # 10
@nickels: Haha sure! I’m 28 (29 in June).
I just know that before I met my husband – when I met I guy I was attracted to I would often put myself in positions where I could “see where things went” even if I was dating someone. Looking back it was a symptom that something was wrong in my relationship because I was looking for attention elsewhere.
I was just saying it’s one thing to be attracted to someone – because THAT’S totally normal. There are plenty of men I find attractive and even interesting, but it’s another to knowingly put yourself out there looking for something else. Seems like what you’re just describing is just attraction – but not a willingness to destroy your relationship (which would be a red-flag).
Post # 11
Like everyone else has said, we’re humans. We are sexually attracted to certain people. My husband will always keep my attention, and I would never do anything to screw that up, but that doesn’t mean I don’t think certain guys are sexually attractive. And it also doesn’t mean that he doesn’t think other women are sexually attractive. If he didn’t think that, I’d be a little worried about him!
It’s the fact that neither of us want to act on those attractions that matters. The minute you WANT to act on those attractions, you have to know that you’re willing to throw away what you have with your Fiance. For your sake, if you don’t trust yourself enough to keep your hands off this guy (and he obviously doesn’t care that you’re engaged), then you need to keep your distance from him.
Post # 12
Of course it’s normal to be sexually attracted to other people; what matters is how you choose to handle it. If you’re committed to your Fiance you handle it by keeping your distance and not putting yourself in a situation where something could happen (i.e. out drinking together at a party).
Just like if you’re on a diet, you don’t fill the freezer with pints of Ben & Jerry’s. Sure, you can avoid the temptation is it’s important enough to you, but why put yourself in that position? Why make it harder on yourself?
Bottom line, you’re playing with fire, here, so stay away from this guy if you want to get (and stay) married.
Post # 13
Its normal. Just avoid sticky situations and remind yourself of how amazing your fi is. Keep it in your pants! 😉
Post # 14
I think it’s totally normal to be attracted to other people. What would not be normal or healthy is acting on that attraction when you are in a comitted relationship. Just because you are getting married doesn’t mean you can’t look at or fantasize about other people, anyone who tells you that does not have a healthy sexual awareness and understanding of themselves. When you get married you are committing yourself to another person and depending on the boundaries in your relationship this usually means you are comitting yourself to be monogamous. Because of that reason, and because of the love and respect you have for your SO this means that cheating is not okay. Being attracted to someone does not equate to being in love with someone. As long as you aren’t having deeper feelings than that of a sexual attraction for this guy then I think you are okay.
Post # 15
Thanks ladies! All the comments have made me feel better! I guess this was the first time I felt like the sexual tension was so thick you could cut it with a knife. The more I think about it the more I know I wouldn’t have acted on it b/c the option was thrown out there and I walked away and basically did avoid him after, but the tension ( and thoughts) still remained. It made me a little worried.
@ sailor: Great analogy of the diet and ben & jerry’s, its so true, especially for me since I battle the sweets, its an analogy I can completely relate with lol.
Post # 16