Post # 1
I’m a semi regular bee going anon.
My SO and I have been together a 1.5 years. We’ve been talking about marriage A LOT and i’ve been waiting pretty impatiently for a proposal. I actually just found out he bought the ring.
By a weird turn of events his ex messaged me to warn me about him. I blew it off at first. She tried to get a hold of me 3 months ago but he told me to block her cause shes just drama. Well I fall upon messages she sent me around that time that I didnt see. He told me not to respond, block her, shes gonna cause problems. It wasn’t until she was about to send me snapshots of their convo that he admitted to what she was saying. He emailed her to get her number 3 months ago and then texted her a handful of time for two days.. telling her she popped in his head, he thinks of their memories he thinks of her often, wants to kiss her, gets turned on by her, and even said he has no problem doing this behind my back.
He wasn’t ‘allowed’ to talk to her because I didnt trust her or them being friends after breaking up and him and I dating. We have talked countless times about fidelty, trust, cheating. He has had a million times to tell me what he did but he hasnt. He is out of town for work and gets home tonight. He is swearing up and down that he didn’t mean it and he’s sorry.
I thought this guy was going to be my husband. He was my person. Now I’m being hit with this. I told myself I’d never be one of those girls who stays with a guy after he cheats (I consider this cheating) and here I am considering trying to work on this….. Idk what I’m asking for. Opinions, support, advice. Only one friend knows. I cant tell my parents because IF we stay together I dont want them to hate him and hold onto this.
Post # 2
first, Im sorry this happened
second, I think you missed your first sign when you said you didnt trust him to be friends with her…. you should be able to trust the person you are going to marry ,,, especially in something as simple as being friends with people … if you didnt trust him with her then I think you knew all along he may still have feeling for her…
I think your o nly solution is to have a straight talk with him that will most likely end up in a break up , Im sorry this has happened to you once again but, he sent the messages for a reason .. if you take him back you are risking the chance of him continueing with her orrrr your other outcome will be you will stay in a relationship with someone who loves someone else.. neither sound fair to you to me
Post # 3
LadyPeacockk: thank you for the reply.. Not justifying but i should clarify. I trusted him 100%. it wasn’t that I didnt trust him with her, it just made me really uncomfortable. I dont agree with staying friends with ex’s. Based on how he talked about her I thought she was the last person he would ever do this with.
We’ev had our bumps in the road, but nothing serious. I have some jealousy issues but Ive never trusted someone as much as I trusted him 🙁
Post # 4
icantbelieveit: I am so very sorry … I feel for you … but, it is possible to stay friends with exs without any feelings and he SHOULD have been able to manage that .. He is the one in the wrong 100% dont get me wrong but, doesnt change the end result
Post # 5
I wouldnt trust your man farther than you could throw him. Ask her for the texts. Break up with him. Sorry Bee, I think he’s full of shit.
Post # 6
I am so sorry mama! This is terrible.
Better to find out your boyfriend a cheater now before you’ve taken marriage vows with him.
None of us can tell you what to do in this situation. However, I’m sure you realize that this is a huge red flag. He is not a faithful man who will honor his marriage vows.
Post # 7
I’m so sorry that you are going through this.
To be honest, if he has no problem telling her that he has no problem cheating on you “emotionally” he is going to have no problem cheating on you physically.
I would count your losses and move on. You deserve to be with someone who treats you like the queen that you are.
Post # 8
I put up with that kind of bevhaiour for a very, very long time. I kept telling myself he would change and it would get better and he would stop talking to all of these other girls. He would for awhile, but he always went back to it. I’m not sure if some guys (and girls!) do this because they get off on the thrill, or if they do it because they aren’t really in love with who they’re with, but in either case it’s simply unacceptable and you will be doing yourself a huge disservice by sticking around. He may have not physically cheated at this time, but I can promise that eventually he’s going to need more than a few innappropriate texts.
Post # 9
icantbelieveit: I know this hurts now, but you are dodging a bullet. Can you imagine if you found out about this after you married him?
As tough as it is, this is not the guy for you. How will you ever be able to trust him?
Post # 10
Im sorry you are going through this. You guys havent been together that long and he is cheating on you trying to be with his ex. Leave him! Dont work it out with him he will just do it again. You deserve better and if you leave now atleast you didnt waste so much time on this guy.
Post # 11
- Wedding: February 2015 - Chapel on Base
I’m so sorry. I have no good advice because I’ve been in a place where I couldn’t believe my “person” would do “this” (mine was physical abuse) to me. I stayed far too long. Only you know what you can tolerate. I do not believe that people change. Deep roots run deeper than we think. Good luck to you. I hope you find a place where your heart is happy with whatever decision you make.
Post # 12
Thanks for all the responses. I feel like this is so much harder because I was completely blindsided. Its not like he was a jerk or a terrible boyfriend. He was the perfect boyfriend. Then this major secret came out of nowhere! I feel completely numb right now. I can’t imagine my life without him 🙁
Post # 13
icantbelieveit: This must be very shocking, and I’m sorry for your situation. The important thing to realize is, he was never the perfect boyfriend, you just thought he was because he was a good liar. Now that you know he can look you in the eye and lie, and was trying to get into his ex’s pants probably around the same time he was looking for your ring…. are you ok with that? He’s apologizing because he got busted and now he might end up with neither of you. But don’t forget that his first choice was both of you. If he had it his way, he’d be fucking her AND you and you would never know. That’s what he was trying to make happen, and when the ex said “no, and I’m going to warn her about you” he started lying to you. To your face. A year and a half is not that long. I would leave him and not look back. Would you be able to look at that engagement ring without wondering if he would have even bought it if his ex had been up for some hookups? Or, did he buy it to make himself feel better about trying to cheat on you? Who knows. Here is what I do know: there are guys out there who will respect you and not try to cheat on you then lie when they’re busted. Find one of those guys.
Post # 14
I’m really sorry that this happened and that you are going through this.
At the very least, you need to get away from him and clear your head. That means you email or text him and explain that you need time apart and then you cut off contact. THat’s the least of it. I would say probably leave the relationship. It’s possible that you could “work on things,” but if he’s around you’ll forget the realities of what he did and what exactly you’re trying to “patch up.”
I wish I could say something less harsh, but honey, this man a) lied to you (for MONTHS) b) cheated on you c) treated his ex like dirt, too. What does “I didn’t mean it!” mean?? How does someone type out on their phone, “I will do stuff with you behind her back” and not mean it? What’s he going to say–he texts in metaphor?? I’m sorry to put it that way, but I seriously cannot imagine what someone can say to that kind of behavior that warrants “working things out.”
“Jealousy issues” or not, love should not be so arduous that you have to have endless talks about fidelity and feel uncomfortable about your SO having a relationship with his ex. Look at all the ways that you are already bending over backwards to try and preserve this–you’re going to keep this from your parents, even though it seems like it’s killing you. Please do not feel embarrassed–HE is the loser, not you. And do not let this prevent you from getting the help and support you need.
But yeah–whether you leave him or end up staying, please–definitely take time away.
Post # 15
No, he gave the ILLUSION of being the perfect boyfriend.
Good men do not pretend to be faithful while they are cheating.