Post # 1
Hey everyone. I have been lurking here for a while during my wedding planning, but I just recently decided to create an account. I have a problem I was hoping to vent about and get some advice. I also apologize if this is a little long.
FI and I got engaged about a year ago. It was so exciting we had been together 8 years at the time and everyone was so happy and excited except for FI’s older sister. She acted like she was happy for us, but you could tell she wasn’t. Her and FI used to be really close after our engagement she wont really talk to FI anymore. FI’s sister is in her early 30’s and at the time of our engagement she was dating a really nice guy. All she cared about was getting married, but he had just finished over 10 years of schooling and really wanted to do a little traveling and saving first before they got married. FSIL was not having that so she was pressuring him very badly to get married and have kids immediately. She gave him an ultimatium and FMIL ended up CALLING HIM and complaining to him about not proposing to her daughter. Now FI’s family is very…I guess intense and it takes a special kind of patience to deal with them. He just couldn’t take FMIL and FI’s younger sister pressuring him to marry someone he had only been with for 1.5 years. So they ended up breaking up shortly after our engagement. FSIL got very bitter against FI after that because he was engaged and happy. FMIL told us she was complaining about him. She wouldn’t really talk to him, she never really taked to me anyways so it was no different for me. Finally a few months later she snapped out of it and told us she was just going to focus on being happy, getting ahead in her job and working on herself. She told me she wanted to help plan our wedding now and that she was very excited about it. I was happy I was always told by my mother that you should be the best you that you can be before you can be the best you for someone else. It seemed that she got so wrapped up in what everyone else was doing and how jealous she was of everyone that she forgot what really mattered. She ended up getting 2 really big promotions at her job. That was in the beggining of the year.
Flash forward to July and she meets some guy who she decided she was going to have a summer fling with (she literally said she only wanted him for sex for the summer). FI and I along with his 2 brothers and their wives thought this was kind of strange behavior not just for her, but for her age. She started hanging out and drinking with a bunch of 21 year olds when she previously wasn’t a drinker and we all found this to be a little old. So it’s now October and FSIL has started dating her fling. Which we were happy she found someone. Till we found out that this guy is only 1 year older than us. (We are 24) and FMIL told us that FSIL is now already looking at wedding things and picking out rings that she likes and looking at wedding venues. They have been dating seriously for only 2 weeks. In my opinion that is not long enough to truly get to know someone and decide you want to spend the rest of your life with them. FI was a little worried because he thinks she is just going to marry the first guy that wants to marry her because she thinks if she doesn’t get married immediately its the end of the world. Apparently FMIL also told FI that she was thinking about getting married before FI and I, so that her 2 younger and 1 older brother are not all married before her. This upset FI and i’m not going to lie, it kind of pissed me off. FI and I along with his 2 brothers and their wives all got married because it so happened we found someone we fell in love with and wanted to spend our lives with, I wouldn’t care who got married before me, I would have waited forever if it meant I got to spend the rest of my life with FI. So it just made me angry that someone has decided they will do whatever it takes to marry someone they have barely known just so I don’t get married before them. I found this offensive. FI was also talking to his sister last week, who was just offered another promotion, to a job making almost DOUBLE what she is making now and she will be in the highest position in her department. It requires her to move a few states away to the company headquarters. She told FI she was thinking of turning the position down because of her new boyfriend. This is so totally insane to me. I dont get it, she is also back to not being on good terms with FI now that she thinks she is getting married.
Unfortunately FI told me that his mother raised her daughters thinking that in order to get along in life they need to depend on a man, so FI told me thats what happens. They have never been without a man.
I’m sorry that was kind of long and thanks for sticking around this long. That was sort of a vent/how would you feel about this kind of thing.
Post # 3
I would never turn a job down over a boyfriend.
Sorry, bro… gotta make the dough.
And BTW, if someone can’t really be happy for you… then it might be best to slowly phase them out of your life a bit. Even if it’s family.
Because who really needs to put up with that?
Post # 4
Oh, geez. Well, I hope she snaps out of it!
It is harder than people realize to be single or unhappy and have a sibling or other close family “skip ahead in line”. I myself acted like a slight jerk at my sisters wedding because I was single and unhappy and she was happy. I wish I had snapped out of it sooner. My advice? Have FI have a heart to heart with her. I needed my sister to say “grow up!”
Post # 5
I think it’s her life and you need not concern yourself. Don’t rely on her. And if she’s unwelcoming to you, remember that she’s crazy and fickle, so don’t take it to heart. Don’t be offended about her racing you down the aisle. Other people’s timelines do not make your lives any less special.
Post # 6
@carebear23: Yeah, she sounds like a nut case, but at any rate if she does get married before you are you really going to take it so hard? Just re-read your post and ask yourself if you will truly be upset that a 30 something year old married her boyfriend after knowing him 2 weeks.
No. Just not even worth even a little twinge of anger. Let her live her clearly messed up perception of relationships and life in general, and you just keep plugging along and worry about yourself.
Post # 7
I had hard time understanding second paragraph..got confused with all the characters (FMIL, SI, FI family, Mothers…etc)..it is too loud here to concentrate..LOL
Post # 8
@carebear23: First of all, WELCOME TO THE HIVE!!
I’m going to say something no one else has said. But first: Yes, I do agree that your FSIL is possibly in toooooo much of a rush. It’s really sad to hear that she made progress (positive attitude, job promotions), then maybe negated it.
I’m a waiting bee on this site, nearlywed. I’m 30 and my bro is 25 and got engaged before me. Oh boy, it really put me in a tizzy. I got over it, but I totally understand that the pain of really wanting to be married (almost to desperation) and seeing it happen to your younger siblings before you.
1) I don’t think that just because she is 31 that she cannot date a 25 year old. Is it ideal or something I would do, no! But, I’m 30 and SO is 27. Meh.
2) You say they’ve been dating for 2 weeks and are looking at rings. But you also say they had a summer fling (it’s October). Lots of bees on this site will tell you that they got engaged in under a year, it happens.
I can see you being a little upset that she is trying to marry before you, however, your wedding date isn’t until Jan of 2015…that’s far away! You should brace yourself that others will be getting married before you if you plan a longer engagement.
Try to not take it personal….some bees are saying to stay out of her life and to a certain extent you can but she’s going to be family so easier said than done. I don’t totally love my FSIL, but, we will def have to play nice in the sandbox.
Post # 9
What does her bf’s age (only being a year older than you) have to do with anything?
Post # 10
@carebear23: I would never waste this much energy worrying about what a grown woman does, even my FSIL. She’s going to do what she’s going to do.
Post # 11
- Wedding: August 2014 - South Bonson Pier & Community Centre
yikes. good luck with that. but, at her age, you can’t really waste time worrying about what she’s doing. trainwrecks are going to be trainwrecks whether you worry about them or not.
Post # 12
@Luayne: I guess I should have been more clear. His age has to do with his maturity level. I’ve never met him, but FI and his family have. FI’s sister is a businesswoman, ever since I met her she has always presented herself very well. She is always classy, always dressed classy and is basically just very classy and mature. Her last boyfriend was a doctor and they were both enjoyed the finer things in life, basically. FI and his brothers met this new guy twice.
I honestly could care less what FSIL does during her quarter life crisis. She has however been putting me down saying not so nice things about me to FI’s family every since I got engaged. Also FI was bothered by it, he was especially upset that his sister specifically said she wanted to get married before him. FI is upset because his family tends to throw him under the bus and certain family members like to downplay exciting events in his life and treat him like he is a failure. No one ever gets excited for him or anything he does in life. He got engaged and people were excited for him and finally gave a shit about him and he was excited. His sister used to be one of his best friends and one of his only supporters. She was the only one who he told before we got engaged. Now she is the only one not excited for him and he is upset by it. This is upsetting to me, to know that he is upset. So that is why what she does with her life matters to me. I know some people get upset when their younger siblings get married (my younger brother got married before me and I was so happy and elated, I did not feel one jealous bone in my body), but that doesn’t mean you need to treat them badly and try to ruin their day. Be happy they found someone special enough to share their life with.
Also I know my wedding date is far away, but we had to push it back due to a death in FI’s family. Everyone was upset and mouring and it was no time to plan a wedding. It was supposed to be in March 2014 originally.
Post # 13
@_Adelaide_: Agreed. It will be a trainwreck. Trying to make love happen, rather than just waiting for love to happen will come back to haunt you eventually. I wish i could just sit back and watch, but she is gonna pull me into her trainwreck.
Post # 14
She can only pull you into her train wreck if you let her. Honestly though I still don’t see what her bf’s age has to do with anything. I know some very mature 25 year olds and some very immature 45 year olds…chronological age has nothing to do with it.
They have been dating since July…she obviously liked him more than what she originally thought when she considered him a ‘summer fling’.
My brother (at 37) met his now wife (she is 12 years younger) and they married 6 weeks later. They actually were going to in 2 weeks but delayed a few weeks so my parents could attend the wedding. They have now been married for 15+ years, have 2 children and a great life. Oh and as for being a professional…he owns his own engineering firm.
I know it’s not the norm but it does happen.
Let her live her life and you live yours. She can only bother you if you let it.
Post # 15
If you think about the idea that his young age reflects his maturity level re: marriage, and the fact that he is older than you, that doesn’t make a lot of sense, no?
In any case, your FSIL sounds like she’s having a terrible time. Her parents have really damaged her sense of self-worth to make her want to get married so badly. I suggest you feel sympathy for her, because this must be very hard for her. Sure, she is being mildly irritating. But imagine you were in her situation: freaking the absolute F out because your younger sibling is getting married, feeling like there’s something so much the matter with you for not being married yet that you’re willing to sacrifice significant career benefits and take the risk of marrying someone you’ve only known for a matter of WEEKS, because the alternative feels EVEN WORSE.
Pretty horrible place to be, right? So the fact that she’s being mildly irritating isn’t the major thing going on here. It’s that she’s having a full-blown PANIC. No, you’re not responsible for helping her out of that panic… it’s up to you how much effort you feel you want to put into helping your future sister. (Some people are not worth it, family or not). But at least realize, this is not about you at at all! Don’t take it personally. This is panic, and it is very much about her!
Post # 16
@joya_aspera: I guess it’s not so much the age. I guess it was just surprsing to us because she always makes comments to FI and I and also to FBIL and his wife about how young we are (we are 24 FBIL is 26) and how we are still immature and what not. So it’s just kind of surprsing. I guess you would have to actually see the whole picture to understand what I am saying.
I agree with you completely though, you put it perfectly. I do feel sorry for her, very sorry. My mother raised me to be an independent woman and this poor girl thinks that in order to live her life and have any worth she needs a man.
I guess what bothers me the most is that she is willing to put her relationship with FI on the line simply because of this. She can piss me off all she wants, but FI is her family. She makes it seem as though he did something wrong for getting engaged before her. (to the point she complained to FMIL, and FMIL suggested we put our wedding on hold till she gets engaged so we don’t upset her too much, YEAH that happened) He is the one who everyone in his family bullies and honestly treats pretty badly (I had to teach him that it’s okay to stand up for yourself against your family). His father died when he was in high school and other than him the only one who was on his side was FSIL. So it just sucks that she is acting like this. There is acually alot more messed up stuff to this story, I just don’t want to go into too much detail. I honestly just kind of sit back and watch these wacky people do what they do. It does bother me sometimes though.