(Closed) I can’t count on anyone!

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
2066 posts
Buzzing bee

This is what I did.  I put together a spreadsheet of every wedding task (basically made a spreadsheet our of the scary To Do list on The Knot.  When I showed it to FI, he realized how much work went into a wedding and he stepped up to the plate to help.  He doesn’t always do everything the way I want or in the timeframe I’d like, but I’ve learned I just have to let things go.

Also have a frank talk with your FI.  Explain that you just don’t have the time to plan a wedding and you feel like you can’t count on others (cite the examples you have given above).  And if he doesn’t want to pick up the ball and get things done, then you need to find money to hire a wedding planner OR elope. 

Hugs to you. 

Post # 4
Member
406 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

You know- I’m feeling the pain with you right now.  Situation is different but I am tracking down my daughter’s BM dress, which I reminded her to look into last week (she didn’t).  The Post Office sent it back to Illinois and now I am having it sent to ME.  There was also an issue with a credit card for my son, which I asked him to look into 3 months ago that we had to take care of last week so he could get into his honeymoon suite (he will have to be an authorized user of ours).  My DIL still doesn’t know what kind of flowers she wants… and she spent a week her with her own Mom and all they did was look at earrings at Charming Charlies.  I am pretty much keeping my mouth shut, but it’s a good place to vent frustration here on the Bee.

I would say to you, that in order to avoid frustration, take each aspect of the jobs you discussed and attack just one every week.  I would give your FI a little more time on the venue since it is next Sept., but know that people still see it as a far off event and will not try to get things in place on the same timeline you are working with.  Still, you should be able to book almost everthing by Thanksgiving this year.  One thing at a time- don’t allow yourself to get upset… just get it done by inches. 

Post # 7
Member
134 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

 I’m a little different because I didn’t want to bother family and friends with tasks even though they offered to help.  I’ve done almost everything myself except for the invitations and it really hasn’t been a problem.  I just made sure to give myself enough time to get each task done.  Starting early is the key.  I’m getting married in July and I started my DIY projects back at the beginning of December.

Post # 8
Member
134 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

It sounds like it’s been more stressful for you to hand stuff on than it would if you were doing them yourself.

Post # 10
Member
134 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Maybe when it gets a bit closer to the wedding more people will step up an help you.  Another thing you could do is have a little DIY party.  Have some friends over and provide pizza and some drinks and all work on a project together.  You’ll get to see your friends and get a project accomplished.  That’s how I managed to get my invites done…..called some friends and had an “invite making” party one afternoon.

Post # 11
Member
128 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

Aww, I’m sorry you’re going through all this! It’s such a lie in the indie/DIY wedding community that “everyone would love to help you!” Guess what, I’ve talked to those people who have been “asked” to help at someone’s wedding, and while some of them loved it and thought it was such an honor, quite a few hated it!

I’m getting married in April 2011 and I only have my venue booked and nothing else… if your date on your profile is right, you’re still ok so just take a deep breath. Once the venue is taken care of, certain things will fall into place. I advise finding an all-in-one vendor… we are currently talking to a very highly recommended company that does catering, cakes, centerpieces, rentals, and drinks and since our venue says we can hire whoever we want, we’re basically all set (theoretically). That also cuts down on the need for a coordinator.

Also: “I think I’m going to sit down with him and have another discussion about whether I even want a man I can’t count on in my life” – I would really kind of think about saying that to your FI. The wedding is a big part of being together, sure, but it’s not always an indication of how he will be in a marriage. If I said that to my FH, I know it would really hurt him, so maybe just tell him you’re frustrated and really REALLY need help. Talk about getting a wedding coordinator (ones who are just starting out will not charge very much) or eloping, or a destination wedding.

Good luck!

Post # 12
Member
1154 posts
Bumble bee

Since your FI is the one set on this wedding you have a really simple solution to this.  Stop.  Just stop.  Don’t do anything don’t monitor anyone don’t bug anyone.  What’s the worst that can/will happen?  Your FI won’t do the work and the wedding will not happen – no problem, you’ll elope!  Yay elopements!  Or maybe he’ll step up to the plate on his own timetable and pull everything together!  Either way win win.

Post # 13
Member
2066 posts
Buzzing bee

I also like @Arachna’s idea.  Good luck!  Keep us posted on how you decide to proceed.

Post # 15
Member
1566 posts
Bumble bee

Just wanted to add that I completely agree with you – sometimes it’s easier to do the planning yourself than delegate it. It sounds like your FI has good intentions, but maybe doesn’t really feel the same time pressure that you do.

I think you can absolutely do most of the planning yourself and still dedicate the necessary time to your grad program – I think a lot of brides face similar situations and don’t have a huge group of family and friends helping with every detail. Maybe you won’t have time for every little detail and DIY project you’d ideally like to include, but getting food, venue, flowers, etc. is definitely doable on your own, even with a busy schedule. 

What does worry me a bit is your comment that this is the wedding of “his” dreams. I think regardless of your budget, the amount of free time you have, and who’s doing most of the planning, this should not be the wedding of HIS dreams. I think you guys should make sure that the wedding you’re planning reflects both of your desires equally before even worrying about who is going to plan what. 

 

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