(Closed) I can't figure out what I'm mad about

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
2295 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

The thing I kept noticing in your description was that your FI’s reactions/behaviors seemed to annoy you as much or more than the actual planning challenge (example: planning challenge was trying to come up with an alternative to the unitu candle, annoying reaction: him saying it was stupid and criticizing the idea/length of ceremony).

It is cutting it close now, and most people wouldn’t take this advice this close to the wedding, but have you done any premarital counseling/coaching. NOT because you think there are problems, but to prevent problems in the future. It sounds line you two don’t feel like you’re “on the same team” and that would irritate me too. And it’s fine for him to dislike an idea, but he needs to learn to do it respectfully (or if he is, you need to learn not to take the disagreement too personally). 

How to work as a team and managing conflict was a big part of our pre-marriage prep with a counselor. If that isn’t an option, at least check out a John Gottman book. I like the 7 secrets of a successful marriage (can’t remember the exact title). It will give you some proven techniques on those topics.

To me this doesn’t sound like a wedding planning problem. It sounds like wedding planning is revealing some room for improvement in supporting each other and communicating well.

Post # 4
Member
3028 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

The IUD could be making you hormonal. Also my first thought after reading this was that he wantex xyx and it’s now ABC and he just might be over this damn wedding.  It sounds like he is being rude about it but it sounds like he wants to say “i do” and keep it moving.

I understand why you are upset, but lay low, don’t involve him in the details and breathe.  

Post # 5
Member
1562 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

(((HUGS))) I think the biggest thing right now is that you are 100% committed to the wedding, and he seems to be feeling alone, and with his new job, isn’t connected to you.  Can you take a weekend when he and you are both off, and do absolutely zero wedding planning, but focus on couple time?  Remember that after the wedding is a marriage, and you need to spend time now and after to make sure that your love is always forefront.

Post # 6
Member
418 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

Sometimes, when you’re mad at nothing or everything and you can’t pinpoint why, it’s because you’re stressed out and by your post, you seem like you are.

Your FI’s reaction seems like it’s because everything that is going on is exactly what he didn’t want (he said no big wedding, it’s a big wedding – he said no XXX, it’s XXX, he doesn’t want big show, it’s a big show). Men sometimes act like kids when they feel like they’ve lost control. Make some concessions. If he doesn’t want to write his own vows, then no personalized vows. They aren’t necessary anyway. This day is just as much about him as it is you. If he wants no sand or wine or whatever ceremony, then chuck it. It’s not necessary anyway. Let him feel like you’re listening to him and taking his wants into account.

 

Post # 7
Member
625 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@dmk90716:  I agree, it sounds like he’s made a few concessions about the wedding so I think it might be best for both of you if you let those little details slide. I think your big day will be just as special and memorable. Just from what you wrote, it sounds like he is feeling overwhelmed about his own things (new job, new schedule, etc.) and adding extra things to the wedding just sounds like it might be too much for him to handle. I don’t agree with him calling anything “stupid” but it does seem like you two are each frustrated about your own set of things and that is making it difficult to take a moment and realize what the true meaning of your wedding day is.

I agree that maybe you should take a weekend or even just an afternoon to yourselves. The two of you could go out to eat, see a movie, whatever you like to do together. No job talk, no wedding planning, just two people who love each other. It might be therapeutic and get you back on the same team again. 🙂

Post # 8
Member
12250 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

I’d be stressed out, too, if my fiance was acting like that! Maybe you two should sit down and make sure you’re on the same page about everything? Your disappointment that you’re not having a honeymoon, and why he’s so excited to get drunk at your wedding?

Post # 9
Member
3248 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

@born2teachuga:  Uhm, do you have the Mirena or other hormon-containing IUD? I wouldn’t be super surprised if your body is adjusting to its effects (I know after a while they make your period pretty mich go away, so I imagine that process is hormonally wonky.

It does sound like you and your FI are sort of poking at each other with small attacks on each other’s ideas. That’s a sucky way to be. Also, it sounds like he is not respecting your needs and wants, especially with the “not knowing” his schedule the weekend after the wedding, but making it work for the bachelor party, and is maybe not as excited about getting married as one would hope. 

All that would irritate me beyond belief. You have every right to be mad when your partner is not respecting your needs. Can you talk about how to be fair to each other? Can you arrange couple time with no wedding stuff, as PP suggested? 

And I agree with someone who already mentioned that perhaps couple’s counseling would be a good idea and would help you communicate more effectively and nicely.

Also, at this point, don’t worry about the little details. It’s possible that they matter so much now because they are something to focus the less-nice feelings on. Both of you may be going through some uncertainty about your future, and mourning your single/not-married lives and selves. I think attaching yourself to another person by getting engaged/marrying them entails some grief and angst about how you’re leaving your old self behind, and comes out in odd ways leading up to and just after getting married. And no one ever talks about this! 

I like the book The Conscious Bride. It talks about this stuff and might be comforting to you right now, and may help you understand the unpleasant feelings you and your FI might be having. That book sure has helped me!

Post # 10
Member
2440 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I’d be moody too if my fiance were acting like such a jerk all the time… Stupid? Are you kidding me? Selfish ass…

Post # 11
Member
1651 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

@born2teachuga:  I can’t comment on the birth control other than to say it might just be your body adjusting to the new hormone dosage.

As for the other issue, please keep in mind that this isn’t just your fiance’s fault; it sounds like you share the blame as well. He wanted something small and intimate, yet the wedding is bigger and he feels like it’s turning into a production. To be honest, I’d be angry too if that happened to me (and for the record, I’d be happy just going down to the court house and then out for dinner afterward). Did you make any concessions at all? Did he get a say in the planning process? Did you talk about your expectations for the wedding before planning began? Are there issues with money or the budget?

You said that he just started a new job. Maybe the stress of that combined with the wedding coming up has him lashing out more than he normally would. He could be scared of actually getting married too. You won’t know why he is acting this way until you ask him.

Communication is key for any relationship. Counseling or talking it over with a trusted member of the clergy (one that you both trust; if you’re religious) could help you guys sort through these issues if you can’t do it on your own.

Post # 14
Member
982 posts
Busy bee

@born2teachuga:  who decided on the big wedding and bridesmaids/groomsmen when he didn’t want them to start with? Was it a joint decision? Or did you decide on those things? If it was the latter, it may be that he feels he has no say in his day too, and that may be why he is striking out all of your ideas. 

I’ve known plenty of brides-to-be who just get SO over the planning that they just can’t wait for the wedding to be over with. I honestly didn’t know how much went into wedding planning until a colleague and friend of mine told me about her and her FI’s plans, how stressful! It’s surely got to take toll emotionally, it’s not like planning a big party at home. You’re planning the start of your lives together, and it’s a lot of pressure. Unless I’d been privy to her plans, I’d still have no idea.

As for the IUD- is it a Mirena? I have one, and have no real side effects – no PMS. I do get occasional cramping like I’m going to have a period, but it never comes. I had gone from the Implanon to the pill (that I had taken for many years) and I noticed the hormonal change almost straight away – I was so depressed and felt near suicidal. My specialist recommended the Mirena as the hormones are delivered directly to where they need to be, as opposed to going through your entire system. So far (4 years) it’s been brilliant. Definitely talk to your doctor if you’re not feeling quite right. As for the weight gain, it is unusual with Mirena (if that’s what you have). I have gained probably 10kg over the last few years which I attribute to getting older, metabolism slowing down, bad food choices. I was underweight, so now I’m a healthy weight. Still, an IUD is an adjustment, but if something feels wrong, talk to your doctor. Periods don’t stop for all women, so if you’re still going to get yours, you may still get a bit PMS-y. I have probably twice had very light spotting for a day, and the day leading up to that, I’d felt inexplicably irritated. You are under a lot of stress and stress does such weird things to your body.

I suggest, if at all possible, one weekend – grab your best friend and go for a massage/facial, and have lunch. Sounds to me like you need to unwind and de-stress. As for your FI, cook his favourite meal, or take him out for tea or a movie, have a really nice date together.

I’m sure the wedding will be the happiest day of both your lives – it’s just the anticipation and frustration of the planning that will start to grate on both of you. My colleague and her FI were exactly the same, but the wedding was one of the best I have ever been to and they were so, so happy.

best of luck!

 

Post # 16
Member
2450 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

sounds like you shot down all of his ideas for the wedding, and he’s not getting anything he wants. of course he’s going to say all your ideas are stupid… you apparently think all of his are since you threw them out the window. 

The topic ‘I can't figure out what I'm mad about’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors