(Closed) I can’t forget my Ex…

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
633 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

@LittleBruin: I don’t think you are silly for thinking about your ex. What would be silly is acting on those thoughts when you have a new and completely different life with someone else.

It’s completely normal to think about an ex. If you didn’t think about those people from time to time then you’d be a little heartless considering you did have feelings for them at one point. It’s not wrong to remember old love. What you need to do though is remind yourself of why it didn’t work out. There is a reason you’re no longer with that person. If those reasons don’t stand out in your mind than you know there needs to be more soul seraching done.

In my personal experience I’ve always believed that you need to love the one you are with. If you can’t give your full self to the person that you are currently with than you need to re-evaluate the situation. The reasons that you are thinking about old flames might not be that you actually have strong feelings for that person, it might be because you aren’t happy with where you are currently.

In any case it’s okay to think about past relationships. It’s okay to remember love and experiences you had with old loves. The red flag for you should be if you start to think that the old relationship is better than the one you have now. If you can clearly say you are happier right now with your SO than you know that it’s just memories and not something to be worried about.

Post # 5
Member
986 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

WOW…

I can completely understand. 

Two things. 

1. My fiance’s ex haunts us.  She calls every 6 months, I guess when she gets emotional.  Even though she threw him out, I believe she still pines for him.  He tells her not to call, but she still does. She completely stalled on the the divorce and its clear she is not over him.  It is a really really sore spot with me because when we had been dating about 3 months she saw pics of us on his FB and decided she wanted him back.  He dumped me as he had only known me a few months and he had a chance at repairing his marriage.  He tried with her for about 6 weeks before realizing that she wasn’t intertested in working on it and he couldn’t get me out of his mind.

2. When I met my fiance, it was only two weeks after my then BF committed suicide (which was 3 years ago yesterday). 

So, I understand the ex wanting things that they know wouldn’t work out anyway, and I understand not being able to express sadness over a past while being happily engaged. 

I know my fiance understands that this time of year the suicide weighs heavy on me, but sometimes I think he thinks I should just be over it.  I know he thinks that if I am happy with him, I shouldn’t be thinking about my old BF.

Lastly, his ex is making me nuts, last week she called him to “congratulate” him on his engagment.  They had the first civil talk in 3 yrs, she finally told him that she is dating someone even though they have been together for almost 2 yrs now.  I told him it was a mistake to be nice to her, she will think its opening a door.  He said, “no, she will stop calling now that she knows we’ve set a date”.  A week later she called at 130am to talk to him about “a band he could record”.  He clearly told her to stop calling.  I want to say something to her, but he won’t let me.  Says he can handle it.  I don’t care if she stalks and pines for him, but please do it during daytime hours…don’t wake us up at night.

 

 

Post # 6
Member
743 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

LittleBruin – I don’t know your Ex, but I bet this is how things might have gone down in his mind before he contacted you…  “Hmm, I am bored, and lonely.  Let me see what LittleBruin is up to on FB.  Holy Crap, she got ENGAGED?  Well, being a man, naturally I want what I can’t have, and now I want LittleBruin.  I should say “Hi” to her.”

OK – I was being a little silly, but I have had experience with the type – they want what they can’t have, and as soon as they get it, they lose interest.  Ignore this dude from now on!!!

Of course, I am speaking from a past experience, and maybe your ex is better than mine was…but if it was a bad break-up, just keep it at that and concentrate on your FI!

Post # 7
Member
485 posts
Helper bee

I guess the only thing I can do is to  hope my Ex and I will meet again and fix all the mistakes we made in our next lifetime….

 

So you’re basically saying that you are hoping that you and the ex will get back together at some point? Maybe you’re not ready to get married, to be honest. One thing is to remember past boyfriends, another thing is to actively wish for a reunion. If this is really how you feel then you are not being 100 % committed to your FI, and that’s not fair to him.

I’d be devastated if my BF was thinking such things about another girl.

Post # 8
Member
986 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@BellsforHer:

I didn’t take it like that. 

I guess the only thing I can do is to  hope my Ex and I will meet again and fix all the mistakes we made in our next lifetime….

I took it more spirtual.  If there are more lifetimes, we have unfinished business.  Just not in this lifetime.


Post # 9
Member
485 posts
Helper bee

@MrsTimmy: Well even so, I don’t think it’s fair to her FI. If she is getting married she should focus 100 % on her FI and the life they are building together, right?

Post # 11
Member
986 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@BellsforHer:

They are.  But I understand that.  I have unfinished business with the BF that died.  I love fiance with all my heart and want to be with him in this and every lifetime.  But I still have unfinished business I’d like to resolve.

Post # 12
Member
3148 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@BellsforHer: That is what I had thought of, too.  I turned it around and thought of the hurt and devisiation I would feel if my FI was saying this about someone else days before our wedding. 

OP- Although most of us have ex’s and some have ended badly — they have ended.  Make sure you are 100% sure about getting married.  You have to remember your FI is the one that made the commitment to you.  Your ex is unfairly jumping in and should have never messaged you. You’re getting married in a week and a half!  It’s sometimes good to talk about why something never worked in order to receive “closure” which sounds like what you needed… but let it be closure and not “a future wish”.  I don’t mean to be preachy, but it’s easy to get side tracked with someone that you used to care about.  I call it a delusional memories — we ALWAYS remember the good stuff and really forget about how bad it was.

Think of it this way… you know all of the posts that we read of brides posting a letter or something that her FI’s ex sent after engagement?  It’s the same thing.  Ex’s shouldn’t contact when the other person is now engaged!

Post # 13
Member
485 posts
Helper bee

@MrsTimmy: They are.  But I understand that.  I have unfinished business with the BF that died.  I love fiance with all my heart and want to be with him in this and every lifetime.  But I still have unfinished business I’d like to resolve.

 

Well someone dying is not quite the same as someone treating you badly and ending the relationship in a hurtful way :-)Plus, OP right out said that she still has feelings for this guy.

I just think OP needs to remember that the relationship with this ex ended for a reason, and I don’t think any good can come of dwelling on him. Also, I think PPs are right in that this guy only became interested now that she’s engaged, and he wants what he can’t have.

Post # 15
Member
592 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@Rock Hugger: Precisely!

I heard from three ex boyfriends, who I was not in regular contact with, within a week of changing my status to engaged on FB. I think it must be some sort of testosterone fueled game.

Post # 16
Member
3148 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@Miss Lilac: Isn’t it?  Some men seem high and mighty… and they always feel that it’s the other person to blame.  Then the other person meets someone else, is happy and gets engaged.  And then the first guy has an ego downfall.

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