Post # 1
I need help. I don’t feel like I can go to any friends or family members with this and I feel like I’m going to die. My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years, and have been living together for about 2 years which is very un traditional for my conservative boyfriend. He has just sold his house so that we can get married and find a place together. We are moving into an apartment and looking at rings and plan on getting married this September. I can’t do it! There is a voice in the back of my head screaming STOP HE’S NOT THE ONE! and then a minute later I’ll be excited about the wedding. I’ve had these thoughts for MONTHS now and they are starting to make me feel like I’m going crazy! The bottom line here is that I should most definitely not be marrying someone that makes me think this way! THere are so many reasons why…I’m 21 and he’s 26 with the mindset of a 35 year old (he doesn’t like to do anything fun), he is so negative about every situation in his life, he hardly knows my family and we’ve been together this long, and I feel like he just wants to marry me because he is “so old,” his friends are all married with kids and so he just wants to hurry and settle down and start a family. I do love him dearly, but as for spending the rest of my life with him, I don’t think I can do it. I’m such a weak person, and obviously if I’m not mature enough to break off a relationship before it goes too far, I’m probably not mature enough to get married. Please someone offer some advice, or personal experience. This has gotten so serious, he sold his house for me! I feel completely hopeless, scared and devistated. Please help
Post # 3
listen to your heart, hun. The sooner you let him go, the better. It’s not fair to him or to you to stay in a relationship that your heart isn’t in. Trust me, it’s for the best. Accept that you wil hurt him, but you need to what’s best for you (and in the long run it’s best for him, too).
Good luck. You’re still young, you’ve got your whole life ahead of you. Don’t throw away your youth for a marriage you don’t want.
Post # 4
@MrsWBS: Ever a source of much wisdom.
Post # 5
K first deep breaths!
I always say trust your gut, but I know there are many times that I panic (due to my own emotional baggage) and want to run away screaming from my FH. I get overwhelmed easily and would rather run than face problems some times.
Have you considered talking to a professional? It might be helpful to put this all in prospective for you. Are you carrying around emotional baggage that makes intimacy and commitment scary for you? Or are you just now aware that this guy isn’t for you?
Regardless of what you choose, you are not a weak person. If ultimately you decide that you do not want to get married to this man, that is okay!
Remember- the bees always have your back!
Post # 6
@MrsWBS: you gave her the best advice
Post # 7
@thisgirl2: Why don’t you talk to him about planning a long engagement? Like, 3 years, or whatever works for you? 21 is still so young. I think you need some time to figure out what you want from a relationship, and out of life. I’ve been with my fiance since my 16th birthday (and I am now 29), and I guarantee you… If he had asked me to marry him when I was 21, I would have emphatically said NO! There’s a lot of learning to be done in young adulthood, and I definitely think it’s a bad idea to commit yourself when you’re not sure.
Don’t let his choices pressure you into making a choice that is not right for you. Again, you’re only 21. If he can’t wait for you to be ready for marriage, then he’s not your man.
Post # 8
@thisgirl2: First of all, you should recognize that you are mature enough to realize that getting married right now is a mistake. I think at this point in your life, maybe you could consider taking some more time and work on the relationship instead of rushing into marriage. My FH and I got together at 18, but we are just now getting married at 25. I wouldnt have wanted to marry him then (when we were 21) …not because I didnt love him, but because we werent ready.
Also, he sold his house?! Where will you both live?? I would be suspicious if my FH sold his house to pay for a wedding. We would much rather elope at the courthouse than have him sell his house. That action doesnt quite scream “mature” to me.
Post # 9
Thank you for all of your input. Its nice to actually admit this is a horrible idea, even if its to people I don’t know. I know in my heart I shouldn’t go through with this. When I’m not with him I’m constantly fantasizing about breaking up with him or all of the possibilities I could do with my life without him. But when I’m with him (and he’s actually in a good mood) I forget all about my doubts, so it makes this so much harder. I honestly have no idea what to do or how to do it. We are supposed to be moving into our new apartment together this weekend. I could go live with my sister, but I hate leaving him with a $900/month rent.
Post # 10
@sheepandbear: He has a really beautiful house that he renovated, but he has put alot of money into it and its one of those things that he is constantly negative about. Its actually a relief that he has sold the house so he can stop complaining about it all of the time! But anyways, he has sold the house because it still needs a lot of work done to it.
Post # 11
@thisgirl2: Oh, if you are thinking about breaking up with him, then its probably the right choice. He deserves somebody who completely loves him, so you would be doing him a favor.
Also, would you prefer to leave him with $900 in rent now OR $900 and rent AND an ex-wife?
Post # 12
You need to break it off! Or at least put off all engagement-related stuff.
I KNOW it’s hard. I had two long-term relationships in which one minute I’d be super happy, but then too often they would say something extremely romantic and all I could think about was “shit, they’re going to be so devestated when they realise that I don’t love them back”. I was too scared, too insecure to break it off, so thankfully it kind of happened naturally (both times they moved away, I couldn’t join them, and the LDR failed).
Believe me, although you may feel like you’ll never meet someone as great, and it’s hard to believe people when they say that you will (how do they know!), you’ll be sooo greatful and happy when you find the One. The pain and crying of my breakups was TOTALLY worth it for the relationship I have now, and I’m 100% sure you’ll feel the same way 🙂
You just have to decide if a) he’s not the one, or b) you’re simply not ready to get married. Imagine your life with him. Do you want to grow old with him? Do you want to change his diapers if he gets a bad illness? Can you absolutely not imagine anyone else raising your children? Are you excited to think about what kind of man he’ll become in the next 5, 10, 50 years? These are the kinds of questions that could help you decide.
Post # 13
You’ve been together for three years and lived together for two. I don’t think it would be wise to try to gradually extract yourself from this relationship, because it would be too easy for you to just continue with the status quo but without the pending wedding date.
Rather, I think this is a clear-cut case of needing to “rip the Band-Aid off” all at once and not only cancel the wedding but also end the relationship.
I’m sure it will be a very difficult thing for you to do, but as prior posters have said it really is the best thing for both of you.
Post # 14
You are so young and have so much living to do!! You need to end this relationship asap. It sucks that he sold his house, but you know what? Houses fall into the category of “stuff.” You can get stuff back, what you cant get back is years of unhappiness, regret, time lost…Do the right thing for yourself and for him. You both deserve to be with someone you cant live without. If you feel that you can live without him than you should live without him. He will be hurt for awhile, but he WILL get over it. You cant go through with a life changing event such as marriage just to spare his feelings. Enjoy your youth and your freedom while you’ve got it. And when you are ready for marriage, you will know it.
Post # 15
@thisgirl2: don’t do it. Your gut is telling you.
For the record: people age 35 like to have fun.
Post # 16
@thisgirl2: Take a breath, and break it off. You need to do this for both of your sakes. You need some time to yourself to recenter, and reprioritize.