Post # 1
🙁 I am so frustrated Bees and I am losing MYSELF! My Fi’s brother proposed to his gf of 11 months a week after my Fi told his family he was going to propose and did. FI proposed to me on our 4 year anniversary. From day one we have been shunned. FI’s family took his brother out for an engagement dinner. We got nothing. THEN, his brother and gf decide they are going to get married a month after us. I understand that I can;t OWN a year as that is not right but it just feels like they are trying to take the spotlight from us. We literally had to block them on Facebook because everytime I mentioned something about our wedding on there for my friends such as “We found our photographer guys and he is great!” She would try to one up us with “I picked my wedding dress and picked my flowers and and….”. FI and I are paying for our wedding ourselves with no help from anybody and we don’t make that much money. His brother makes decent money as he is a manager at a retail store. Everytime I go out to get something for the wedding, in my head I tell myself it is a competition. For example, there is a dress I love but it is simple. In my head I am telling myself, you need to go full out with bling and pickups because you want to blow HER away. Etc etc.
Bees, how do I regain control of myself and do what I WANT and get this whole competitive streak out of my head. I can’t help it but I don’t want to be blinded. I want to get what I want and be happy. Please help me get over this.
Post # 3
I think you can have a much better wedding by her by being the exact opposite. Despite casual weddings (or rustic, home-spun, etc.) being all over wedding blogs, they are a rarity in most circles. Have the It sounds like that kind of simple, elegant wedding is what you want, so go for it. And people will be blown away by its beauty and “uniqueness”.
Post # 4
@Tswife4ever: I think you are already headed in the right direction. The fact that you know that your reaction is merely the competitive side of you responding and not your true nature shows that you are at least correcting the issue.
It’s not hard to get envious especially with planning what would be one of the biggest days of your life. Even just seeing some WeddingBee posts on here sometimes strikes a chord of many what-ifs (if money, time, resources were unlimited I would do this, that, etc.). It is human nature to be competitive. It speaks to our desire to improve oneself. Embrace it and realize that she may have you beat on some of the wedding details, but while she’s focused on creating a grand affair, you are focused on creating a meaningful day. Grand affairs are easy to pull off with unlimited resources. Meaningful days are hard to come by. Keep your chin up! 😀
Post # 5
Aw. I’m sorry you feel that way! I know how frustrating it is to feel competitive or jealous and just NOT want to feel that way.
I would say talk to your family and friends about the big day – get excited with them. You are the only wedding in your immediate family’s life? Focus on why you are marrying your FI and what the day means about your whole life not just that one day or year.
See if you can involve FI’s mother, father, other siblings(?) in some aspect of your wedding planning. Maybe this can help them get excited about your wedding too.
Find something that the two of you does that reminds you of why you are getting married to help center yourself when you feel like you are losing yourself.
I haven’t had this situation but I know what it is like to feel like you are losing yourself in jealousy and competition. The best thing to do is focus on the good and find things that help center yourself.
Good luck and keep us updated!
Post # 6
I think whatever you do just remember to stay true to yourself and your vision and it will turn out beautiful. Being here you’d get so many great ideas, just try to stay focus and forget about them and everything will fall into place you see.
Post # 7
I think it’s a pretty big step to admit the feelings you’re having. But I think you’ll find that as you go through the wedding planning process, you will have different tastes and different opinions on certain decisions, and the competitiveness will eventually subside. As much as everyone here wants to have the most unique and amazing wedding with the most creative personal touches, we also realize that it is also about marriage. And marriage is not a competition. Good luck!
Post # 8
AWWWWW THAT WAS BEAUTIFUL!!! THANKS GIRLS!
Post # 9
Oh, sweetie. I know how you feel. My fiances best friend found out we were engaged…and then proposed to his girlfriend (he hadn’t even mentioned considering it before) a week later. Right after we announced our date, they announced theirs-one month Before ours. From then on it was the same sort of competition. It’s frustrating. It’s hurtful, and sometimes you just feel like throwing in the towel on the whole wedding you’ve planned…
Don’t give up.
The fact is, and it took me 6 months to make this conclusion, is that your wedding is your day. Of course it will be better than hers, because it will be YOURS. You wouldn’t like your wedding exactly like hers because you are a totally different person. You’ve made the choices and decisions you’ve had because you have different tastes that suit you. You are celebrating the love between You and Your man. Totally different relationship, and I’m sure a beautiful one! So don’t sweat it. You’re going to rock your wedding, and you know it. Relax, and have fun!
Post # 10
I agree with everyone else. Also, be true to yourself! If you end up just trying to outdo her, you might end up with a wedding that is not what you wanted. Be true to yourself and have the wedding you have always wanted!
Post # 11
@Bride109 It is nice to know someone else understands what I am going through. It is the same situtaion where his brother didnt even consider it until my FI brought it up.
Post # 12
if you want to keep it unique, incorporate things that are all YOU and your FI.
There’s bound to be lots of things about you and your FI that is not her or your FBIL. Oh, and don’t mention any of what you’re doing to them or, give the completely WRONG details so that she can’t even attempt to duplicate you.
Also, simplicity and elegence, itself, is unique and often difficult to pull off. Not everyone can wear simple, elegant gowns. It takes a certain personality to do it and not come off wrong. (for an example: look at celebrities and what they wear. not all of them look good in the simple gowns.)
I’m so sorry you have to go through all this.
Post # 13
I don’t blame you at all. Do the wedding how you want it. If it is you then people will love and enjoy it.
Post # 14
I think it’s best to just try and remember the wedding is to celebrate the love you and your fiance share. Focus on YOU and YOUR wedding and don’t worry so much about what she’s doing. I wouldn’t let it eat you up so much. Because if you think about it, you’re giving them way too much power over you. Power they don’t deserve.
Post # 15
PS: I see we are month twins…so your wedding WILL be better anyway because May 2011 is the BEST MONTH EVER to get married!!!!
Post # 16
- Wedding: October 2010 - Parents' backyard
I’m sure your wedding will be beautiful and great HOWEVER your FBIL and his fiance sound like real jerks. “The best wedding” is completely subjective and in the end, even if you do have a “better wedding” they probably won’t think so. They’ll probably think their wedding was the best, just like you’ll think your wedding is the best (even if it is!). Sorry, I’m reading How To Win Friends and Influence People and it’s really got me thinking about other people’s reactions to our actions. Please try to enjoy yourself and stay true to you, and I agree with baldor1 in that you’ve already recognized what you are doing and that is the first step to stopping that way of thinking.