(Closed) I can’t keep quiet anymore, it hurts too much

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Hostess
18646 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Have the two of you ever talked about your future?  I understand Mr. Bee’s plan but to me it only works if you know that you are both going toward the same ending point in life.

Post # 4
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

Don’t be surprised when he can’t relate to what you are going through, thinks you are exaggerating, or that you are blowing it out of proportion. You need to be very calm, use direct words, don’t let your emotions get in the way if you want him to talk about this!! Anything said in the heat of the moment can destroy any chance of having a calm, rational talk about this. You have every right to get an answer, but emotional talks shut a lot of guys down, and go on the defensive and not want to answer any of your questions

Post # 5
Member
2305 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

Maybe you should focus on marriage talk and making sure you are on the same page with the basics (When, If he’s ready or not). Once you have a direct answer on that waiting a month or two for the actual proposal wouldn’t be as hard.

Post # 7
Member
2894 posts
Sugar bee

I completely agree with MrsSl82be. It’s time for a very calm talk using very direct words. There’s no reason why you should be taking the burden of this all on your shoulders alone. You’ve been together long enough, you’re both adults, you both are planning on getting married eventually. You shouldn’t have to ignore the elephant in the middle of the room and you should be able to have a conversation about marriage with your future husband. It’s silly that you have to pretend that it doesn’t exist. That and you’ll feel so much better afterwards.

Good luck. Let us know how it goes.

Post # 9
Member
2894 posts
Sugar bee

I think you should tell him that part specifically. Tell him you aren’t trying to speed up the process, you’re just trying to be excited about it and you don’t want to spend all your energy tiptoeing around him because you’re afraid of his reaction. If he was excited for something he’d want to talk about it to and share that excitement, why shouldn’t you be able to? You really put that second paragraph perfectly.

Post # 11
Member
4887 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@Shirinjoon:  I don’t mean to be a bitch, but you’ve had your answer for quite some time.  The guy doesn’t discuss your future, which means if provoked he’s either going to tell you something you don’t want to hear, or he’s going to lie to you to avoid confrontation.

Here’s the problem with your ultimatum:  he knows exactly how important it is to you to be engaged, and he hasn’t done it.  Sure, he hasn’t done it YET, but this guy is well aware of how serious this issue is.  He will LOSE YOU come July.  Rest assured, if I had told my fiance that I would be ending the relationship if we didn’t get engaged by July, he would’ve proposed ASAP, like within a week.  Guaranteed.  He wouldn’t wait it out till July, I assure you.  I’m sorry darling, but you need to save yourself here.  The dude doesn’t have any desire to propose on his own, you know?  And you’re going insane in the mean time.  Go find someone who will.  

Post # 12
Member
2894 posts
Sugar bee

@KristenGotMarried: I think you have some valid points. He does seem like he’s needed to be pushed every step of the way and that doesn’t exactly put him in a great light and could actually indicate some early warning signs.

I guess I’m taking a “benefit of the doubt” approach because a while back I had a similar conversation with my guy. He’s a bit of a committment phobe but insisted he saw a future in us. I called him on it and said that if he wanted a future for us, he shouldn’t be afraid of words like “engagement” or “marriage” and that it made me feel like he was giving me lip service to keep me around. I told him that as a person who isn’t as familiar with the process of getting married as he is, I’ll need to talk about it, WITH HIM. That because I’ve never been married before I may have questions or concerns that I have to discuss WITH HIM. That we are both adults and something doesn’t happen by pretending the word doesn’t exist. That its silly. I assured him that I wasn’t planning on discussing it daily, but it could come up and he needs to man up and say the word.

And we haven’t had an issue since. We talk about it openly. It sounded so familiar that I kinda thought that maybe she was having a similar issue with her guy. Sometimes people need to be called out. And really, how will he ever say the phrase, “will you marry me” if he can’t talk about marriage. Guys are weird sometimes. I’ve wondered if he was leading her on at times but I hope he comes through in July. I really do.

Post # 14
Member
569 posts
Busy bee

@Shirinjoon:i’m having a really hard time too! girl, we’re in the home stretch! why is it so hard? don’t ask me! but ya, i’m getting to the point where i don’t really even want to be around my man until we are engaged. have any ex waiting bee’s had this anxiety in your last two months of waiting? and what did you do to get through it???

Post # 15
Member
9825 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@KristenGotMarried: I completely agree.

OP seriously, how many waiting posts does one person need? I understand that venting can be healthy, but this doesn’t sound healthy. I hope you get a resolution to your issue.

The topic ‘I can’t keep quiet anymore, it hurts too much’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors