(Closed) I cant stand my future mother in law!!! HELP!!!!!

posted 5 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
3461 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I think a lot of couples spend some time together with the families…and some time apart for sanity’s sake.

Unfortunately, she’s learned “bad” behaviors and won’t unlearn them if your FI keeps enabling her.  (And at her age, may never learn.)  He really has to talk to you about what’s acceptable and figure out how stick by it.  Sounds like he has some good plans in place.  I would happily feed her, but I wouldn’t take her shopping at all, knowing you’d be expected to pay for everything.  I also think some cultures have different expectations about who will provide for whom when the kids are grown up.  I have a friend who would *never* pay for lunch when out with her parents.  In the middle, my parents will pay often, but I try to get it too about half of the time.  And on the other side of the spectrum are families that believe the kids ought to take care of the parents once they are able to do so (respect, pay back for raising, etc.)

I will say that cutting a rent check directly to her may have been awkward (rather than having your FI do so), but it’s water under the bridge.  Sex talk is flat out awkward, nada more to say.

Post # 4
Member
3847 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2004

Why exactly are you biting your tongue?  You need to be honest about this dyfunction and set some boundaries BEFORE you get married.

Post # 6
Member
412 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

ugh… joing the club! It’s just something we will have to grin and bear if we want to marry our fi’s!

Post # 7
Member
3847 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2004

@theseautumneyes:  Well, while I understand what you mean, I have been married for almost eight years.  Please do everyone a favor here and be honest.  You won’t be able to keep this up forever anyway.  You teach people how to treat you.  If it were me I would tell FI “The next time she throws a fit or says something rude and mean-spirited, you will either put her in her place, or I WILL.  I suggest you do it, for everyone’s sake.”  The sooner she learns that you will not tolerate her acting like a child, the easier life will be.  I know asking this of him is difficult but you will be in such a better peace of mind when you do.

Post # 8
Member
340 posts
Helper bee

I feel soooo bad for you having to deal with that. That was so kind of you to pay her rent and I can’t believe she didn’t say thank you. It sounds like she is ungreatful for everything you guys buy her. I cannot believe a grown woman could act that way. If I were you I would have a sit down with your FI and tell him that he is enabling her and that just because she wants something doesn’t mean she needs it. The reason she probably got herself in the mess in the first place is from wanting and getting things she cannot afford. Tell him to imagine if you and him went to the store and bought everything or expected things to be bought and how that is fueling an addiction. I would then tell him that he needs to make a rule and to stick to it!!! RULE: Only to buy groceries or things that his siblings NEED. If he doesn’t stand up to her and have a set rule of what he will and won’t buy then she will keep pushing her limits. I am so sorry you have to deal with this.

Post # 9
Member
1686 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I don’t have any advice for you. Just, this post suddenly made me realize how difficult it must be for Mr. E. to be around my mother and how much it must hurt him when she makes me feel bad. 

I think it’s okay for you to not go, and not be around her, if that’s what you need to do to keep your head together and be there for him. At the same time, I know I do appreciate Mr. E being there when I have to deal with my mom; it’s nice to feel like someone’s on my side.

Post # 10
Member
94 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I agree with Mrsfuzzyface completely! You should air all of this before you get married, things will only get worse. And I can promise you that if you both can’t get along with eachothers families, things are going to be very difficult. Now, I’m not saying that you FMIL is not totally in the wrong here, she is, but if you don’t tell her and your FI things are only going to get worse. I haven’t personally experienced it, but I’ve seen many instances where bad blood between in laws has broken up marriages…

Post # 11
Member
1093 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

If someone would have watched me as I read your post they’d see my mouth hanging open in dis-belief that she would act like that.

I find it extremely generous of you to paying her rent without a blink of an eye. Maybe because of this offer, especially the first time you met her, she’s expecting for you and your FI to shell out $$$ everytime you’re with her. Has she always been like this? Before you blow up in anger at her or your FI I would have a calm talk before you see her next. He’s not doing anyone any good by letting her get her way all the time plus he’s dragging you into it now that you share finances. Maybe when she comes for a visit hand her an “allowance” of say $25. Let her spend it how she wants, once it’s gone…it’s gone!!

I feel bad for you and if it was me the first pouting face she would have gave me would have been her LAST!!!!

Post # 12
Member
184 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@shannonh32:  That’s a very unhealthy approach.  You don’t just “grin and bear it”.  You communicate your needs to your partner, and set strict boundries with manipulative relatives.

Post # 14
Member
3574 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I think instead of being so angry, you should just feel sorry for her.  She’s obviously got issues and sounds ill.  Think about how you have a nice place to live, and a nice FI, and other good things in your life.  She lives in low-income housing, is not married, and has a plethora of other problems.  Instead of letting her make you angry, just pity her.  She’s rather pathetic.

Edited: about the check.  Very awkward… and kind of inappropriate for you to cut one for her.  If I was her I would be embarassed.  You can’t read minds, so you’ll never know why she didn’t thank you (or forgot)

Post # 15
Member
2196 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

Really you need to talk to your FI and set the rules NOW.

He buys her whatever she wants to avoid hurting her feelings, which doesn’t help at all. You “grin and bear it” to avoid hurting his feelings, which doesn’t help at all.

Communication, then action. She can only act that way if you let her, next time shes having a fit in the store, check out your own stuff and leave? Don’t him-haw around with her. Get one thing, or get nothing. We’re leaving now.

Edit to add:

My mother had minor mental problems and would act somewhat the same way, I would tell her straight up this is how it is. And walk away if I needed to. And she stopped pulling that crap with me because it just didn’t work.

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