Post # 1
My husband is a very good man, I wouldn’t have married him if he was not. He loves me and cares for me and I hear I love you every day. We do everything together, help and support each other. The only problem is that he yells…
He can be watching a soccer game and he yells at the TV, pretty typical you may think. However, other times; he snaps at me! He always says that he doesn’t yell at me because to him yelling is being angry and he’s not angry.
The other day he asked me to watch a video. I do not like to click on FB videos because a lot of times it’s something that will scare you or people just like to post horrible stuff on FB to make you think twice about drunk driving etc. I asked him if the video was something scary or ugly, he said no. I was watching the video and I was kind of nervous and I asked again. He said, “No, I already told you it is nothing scary! Goddamit!” (raising his voice). I was super embarrased because my BIL was there.
I told him I didn’t appreciate the yelling and he apologized BUT said he wasn’t yelling. If there is a BUT in an apology, it is not an apology because you don’t really think that you are doing wrong. He does that frequently over stupid stuff like that. I know I ask the same question over and over again. I know it may be annoying to be asked if you have done something, but I sometimes I just forget or need to hear it again or whatever. We’ve talked about how I feel when he does that but he CANNOT STOP for the life of him because he doesn’t think that he’s yelling. I’m really sad and I can’t talk to anyone about it because I’m embarrased and I feel that friends or family will get the wrong idea about him. He’s a very sweet and loving person but it’s this yelling thing that he does that has me at my breaking point. 🙁
Post # 3
@amoret11: I would personally shut down on him if he does that to me. If we were having a conversation, I would walk away. If we were watching the video, I would put it down and go to watch tv. Actions speak louder than words and he needs to understand that it is not appreciated.
I don’t raise my voice at anyone so I do not tolerate these things.
Post # 4
I can’t be doing with yelling either. But since he seems to have difficulty knowing when he’s yelling – or at least difficulties defining what yelling is because to him, he isn’t yelling all the while he isn’t having an argument – I suggest you quietly and firmly invite him not to raise his voice because it comes across as confrontational and upsets you.
Post # 5
Just tell him that to him he might not be yelling, but in YOUR opinion he is and your opinion is the only one that matters when it comes to getting your feelings hurt.
Post # 6
@amoret11: You might to tape him and show him. I think people cop on when they see themselves on video or hear their voice being taped. Being ever ready with a dictaphone is a different story.
The good news is he doesn’t think he is yelling. That goes a long way, its not like he’s purposely being abusive. Yelling can be scary to women for sure.
I think this just takes time. Everytime he yells, always say you’re yelling now. And add that you don’t want to fight but just want to point it out because he doesn’t seem to know when he is yelling. And that you are just trying to help him.
There are people like that. They can’t tell if they are getting agitated, annoyed, grumpy or whatever to the point that it is impacting other people in the room.
Another thing, maybe to help hm out a bit, try scaling down on repeating questions. I am the same and I’ve worked on not re-asking things. My mom always said I had this problem growing up. My husband notices too and it annoys the hell out of him.
I had a theory that growing up I may have been lied to as a kid about promises of going to park, playing this that game just so I would shut up. And then maybe as a response I ended up being the way I am!
Post # 7
@chanara: I agree. My boyfriend does something similar. When he gets upset or annoyed, his voice will naturally get louder. It sounds like he’s really angry about something when he’s actually not. Whenever we argue and this happens, I get really upset and defensive and feel like he’s really mad at me and he has to convince me that he’s not and I just feel bad.
The first couple of times this happened, he couldn’t understand and kept insisting that he wasn’t being loud and that he wasn’t that upset. Eventually he understood that to everyone else, it sounds like yelling and that he needs to tone it down to express the level of anger or frustration he’s actually feeling. It still happens, but I can always just say “please stop yelling, it seems like you’re really angry at me” and he will try to tone it down. I will call him out as many times as it takes for me to not feel defensive when he’s talking.
Post # 8
@amoret11: Remind him about the golden rule our mama’s taught us: it is not what you say, but how you say it. Even something that isn’t offensive can be taken as such if someone yells or has a snarky tone of voice. He’s your husband and he should be showing you the respect you deserve. If you are not feeling respected and have brought it to his attention, he should do his best to change it. If he won’t, then I’d try again to explain to him how damaging you find his behaviour.
I also think that you could do your part and try to avoid his triggers. I hate being asked the same question over and over again, especially when I’ve already answered it honestly. Your example of the video would annoy me too. It’s like, I already told you. How many times do I have to tell you? Maybe you didn’t hear me the first time, so I will say it louder 😛 It doesn’t sound like he is doing it intentionally to me. I think you two need to communicate and work together to resolve this.
Post # 9
@amoret11: Ugh, my FI and I have this conversation a lot.
We finally figured out that we have different definitions of “yelling” to me, yelling is loud talk, to him it’s reprimanding. So when he raises his voice to be emphatic but is not chastising me, he thinks he is not yelling. To me, he is.
It’s helped a lot to note this distinction because now when he yells I can say, “FI you’re being kinda loud” or “”FI the neighbors can hear you, lower your voice babe”
It helps. I suggest you guys talk about what yelling is?
The other think I did when he was yelling by both definitions was to tape him and replay it the next day. He was so embarassed.