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just now having this problem so close to the wedding? i'd say it's stress making you both short tempered.
Are you fighting about silly little things, or about actual relationship issues? If it's just stupid stuff that you fight about, I'm gunna say it's just pre-wedding stress. If it's actual issues and problems, then more likely one (or both) of you is going through something big that should really be addressed and resolved before the wedding.
If everything has been fine & dandy before wedding planning I would say its bad wedding planning stress! Take a weekend or hell even a week break from planning. Do stuff together to relax & get everything wedding related off your minds!
I recently was layed off but I've been optomistic about it. I've tried to keep it out of my mind because it saddens me that I can't pay for the things I want in my wedding and of course the limitations and stress that comes along with it. Anyway, since I'm home a lot now I've been doing the laundry, cleaing the house, walking the dog, picking up dry cleaning, buying groceries, cooking dinners etc, etc. I love cooking so I've been cooking him these elaborate dinners for when he gets home. I set up the table buy a bottle of wine, prepare everything so nicely and he's like with this long face telling me how much work sucks because of so and so. So this whole day of joy for me and I can't wait for him to get home turns into a headache. I wish he could leave his work at work. I don't mind talking about it but can we still be happy and enjoy the evening? I put myself in his shoes and when I've had bad days I come to him with open arms and excitement. He's more like oh honey thanks for dinner, work sucks. I'm starting to dread the hour he comes from work because its so depressing. I understand the morgage has to get paid, now I'm supporting you again blah blah blah....but really can we just enjoy our company at least?
For instance we fought tonight because I was calling him at work insistantly due to a dilema I was going through and I needed someone to talk to. Finally when he did call back I told him and he's like now why would you tell me that I don't have the mind right now to deal with that stress. I hit a curb and scratched my brand new mercedes rim :(. I didn't know who else to call, I just wanted him to tell me oh its or no biggie or whatever. I mean that's what I would've done. So when he got home and I had this wonderful dinner and mr long face decides to rain on my parade with I don't want to hear that you scratched your rim, I'm stressed at work. I get it. But theres no need to make me feel like crap because of it. Grrrr I don't know. Eventually he started to yell and I cna't stand to be yelled at that I started to yell even louder until finally I took a dish and threw to the floor out of anger. oops Maybe I shouldn't had done that but I needed him to stop yelling.
@Miss Tattoo: sorry I meant to reply instead I just posted my reply as a comment :(
@Miss Tattoo: sorry I meant to reply instead I just posted my reply as a comment :(
Hmm. Well, here's what I'm getting from your comments. (Brace yourself - I'm going to be honest here.)
1. Your FI is stressed about his work, and possibly also concerned because you are not working. I don't know how your money situation is, but I know for most couples, having one person not work can be a major financial sressor.
2. You don't want to listen to him talk about his work stress, but you think it's okay for you to call him at work about something minor like scratching your rim on your car. That is not really the type of thing I would deem worthy of interrupting my partner's work for. Either way, why would you expect him to be sympathetic and want to listen to your problem, when you don't want to listen to him talk about his work troubles?
3. You threw a dish on the floor during your argument. That signals trouble to me.
4. You've talked to your FI about calling it off. That signals more trouble.
I don't exactly know what is the right thing for you to do, but I would suggest that you take a long, hard look at the things you and your fiance are both doing, and perhaps seek out some counseling for both of you.
@jsmnrcksn: I mean this politely, but I think you're overreacting. your fiance is apparently having a really hard time at work and a mercedes rim is not the end of the world. let him vent, be there for him. you throwing dishes and yelling is only feeding the fire. have a quiet night with a movie and don't put huge expectations on every evening. I'd also suggest you find a girlfriend or parent to call with little troubles.
while I totally understand having a crummy day and needing to call your SO about it, if he's in a rut, he might not be able to handle your stress, too.
Ditto to Bookworm and Bubu.
I'd like to add that it isn't uncommon for women who stay at home (for whatever reason) to want to sit down and catch up with their SO after work. They've been at home or running errands, doing whatever, and finally you have someone to talk to. In this case, you've made a lovely dinner and want to share it with him. As noted, work is stressful for him. I can almost guarantee that he needs and wants you to be loving and supportive when he's home. If he needs to talk, have a heart to listen. Love him. I've seen a couple in a similar spot...the man would come home for work and felt beat up (or beat down, rather), and simply wanted the love and support of someone who had his back. Instead, he was greeted with the opposite, or moodiness, or "hey this has to be paid, why didn't you pay it like you said you would!?" Little things like that can chip away at the foundation of a relationship.
These issues are not worth potentially damaging your relationship. Use them as opportunities to establish loving and productive patterns of behavior. Ask yourself, what does he need? What can I do to bless him? And, finally, don't expect perfection from him! He thanked you for dinner, but is stressed, perhaps is having a hard time shaking it off (it's tough for me to do that). Endeavor to understand him, love him, and be there for him. And if you can't stop fighting, grab a childhood photo of him and set it somewhere you'll see it often. Don't hurt that small boy. Your guy may be "grown up," but he's still vulnerable and needs to be showered with love, built up, and reminded how awesome he is. You can control your mind, actions, and love...don't wait for him to meet your demands or the "prerequisite" that deems him lovable. He is your husband to be -- isn't he worth all the love, patience, and forgiveness in the world?
Married or not, wedding or not, stress just never goes away! Best learn to handle it today instead of tomorrow.
@HEB: I agree.
He is probably stressed out from going from two incomes to one. (Believe me. I am in this situation now) The last thing he probably wants to hear is how you scratched your rim, which isn't really a big deal.
I think you are overreacting a little. He did say thank you for the dinner, but the man is stressed out. It's not easy to leave work at home. It would be nice, but it's not possible sometimes.
Instead of getting defensive that he's not leaving it a work or talking about your dinner the rest of the night, listen to him. Don't call him at work for minor things. It's not even worth the arguments.
when i was unemployed and my FI was working, we went through a similar issue because i was SO bored all day, and by the time he got home I was dying for someone to talk to. I had to learn that he needs some time to unwind at the end of the day, and can't just come home to me waiting for him to spend time with me. I think you should give him some more space when he gets home and let him vent. Maybe you don't like hearing the venting because you are not working, but give it a try.
Like the pp said I think this is definitley due to the changes of financial strain.... Especially with a wedding to pay for... sigh
As for the rim issue... I can tell you just from talks with my DH is that this is probably how his head went when he heard and then how he reacted.....
thought: Now I can add that to his things of needing to get fixed.. oh wait I need money to do that... oh wait we're on only my income and it already doesn't seem like enough.... ARRRGHHH
response: I can't think about that right now...
Our guys want to be able to provide sufficiently and have nice things and things fixed and in order... I'm sure that just like you it's stressed him, but from another persepective and "angle"
As for his work... you just need to keep affirming him.
My DH has a laborous outdoor carpentry job and down here in South Texas right now it's 100+ degrees daily... He's got 20+ years age difference between him and his co-workers, he just got married whereas all of them are divorced, and we're Christians so they've made known how much they don't like his pick for his days radio station.... Definitely could become a strain at home if I didn't active try for it not to....
Here's what I've done...
1. At first he was coming home with dinner ready and prepared....
What happened was he'd come in "long-faced", dirty, and tired and after greeting me, giving me a hug, he'd said.. I'ma go get cleaned..... almost an HOUR later he'd be ready to sit down and eat....
pffttt.. not gonna lie this did bother me...
How I fixed it...... I now generally have dinner cooking (if a baked dish) when he gets home and while he showers I'll usually head up with him and chat with him while he's showering... That way he can de-compress while getting refreshed and then when he comes done for dinner we aren't talking "work"
2. Having bad or stressful days...
I'm constantly one to try and find something encouraging about a situation... (learned the hard way about squashing his spirit)... Now no matter what the day has brought I always make sure my responses are about how he's excelling, how he's just going to get better/ get a raise/ feel like what he's doing is worth more, how his co-workers are just having their own issues and it's not his, how we don't need to worry about how/when somethings going to get paid... we'll "worry" it when the day comes, etc
This has REALLY helped.
3. Have a real in depth convo about the plan on how to alleviate the financial strain...
This doesn't neccesarily mean you go back to work... but what things can be cut so that it's not so much of a burden. What are some ways you can help so that it's not totally on his shoulders?..
I know for us.. DH is the very primarily income but I pay all the bills... so in essence we share the stress. He's thought is "ok.. how do I make enough" and my thought is "okay how do I get everything all paid with what we have"
Sharing it had really helped us both stay encouraging to one anothers position and that it's not all on me or him alone.
Also, I think that getting some resources on good communication skills would benefit both of you.... how each of you is responsible for your own behavior and regardless of how he acts/reacts you have the opportunity to either inflate the issue or deflate the issue.
I was in a verbally abusive relationship so I understand being yelled out... but also know that yelling back is and has never been an affective tool in getting the problem to stop or the issue to go away.
A few resources that I would suggest are:
1. Preparing for Marriage - Atleast the first 2 worksheets to get some good open communication for a good foundation.
2. Love & Respect - You read the 1 part, Respect portion, and last part...
3. The Love List - Simple things that we forget that can make a world of difference
Goodluck =)
You bugged him at work over a scratched Mercedes rim when you know he's already stressed out by said job? THat's ridiculous and childish. Bitching because he wants to talk about his bad day when you've been home all day doing basic chores? That's just selfish.
I wouldn't worry so much about it. I used to have a really stressful job, and when I came home, I would need a few minutes to myself to decompress, and then I'd end up venting to my husband. I finally quit that job, and just finished going back to school as a career change, and am currently at home this summer not working. I totally feel you, when you just want to hang out when he gets home, but I always try to just give my husband some time to decompress before we sit down together because I remember how much I used to need that. Don't take it personally, and remember that he's probably super overwhelmed right now.
OMG! You bees are super cool!! Thanks so much for your advice!! Its true I'm home all day doing "chores" but I'm like a puppy when he finally comes home. We'll be ok. :)
just wanted to say that you handled all our advice really well and I'm glad to hear things are getting better!!
I missed the boat on the original replies, but I just wanted you to know you aren't the only one. We've been fighting like dogs the last couple weeks, and I totally chalk it up to pre-wedding stress. we've been together 4 years, and have never been like this. it's just petty arguments, short tempers type of thing.
I think the bees covered most of the important points re throwing things, calling off the wedding, etc., but I did want to write to provide some support for you on dealing with SO's stress. I'm also unemployed. This is incredibly stressful for me but I try not to take it out on him. (Please note: I have a small part time job and unemployment so I have not yet dipped into my savings, which would keep me for quite a while. My FI does not support me.)
He on the other hand, is constantly complaining about his job in such a negative way that it sometimes drags me down too, despite my best efforts. All of his friends joke about his attitude but you can tell that's because they get frustrated too. Frankly, I think he's depressed but he refuses to go to the doctor (hasn't been in 10+ years). So it's hard to keep taking that negativity from him day in day out. I've actually spoken about it as a weight over me, in such a way my doctor friend got really worried for both of us. (He goes in phases and he's in a somewhat better at the moment.) So I want to say his stress is a big problem that you need to figure out together.
I also don't think that just because he is stressed, means that you can't talk to him about what stresses you. It's a very poor partnership if you have to bottle everything up. Don't get me wrong, you try to help him out (e.g. I do a lot of admin stuff to help free up his time), but you should NOT be afraid to talk to him about what is going on with you. A relationship goes two ways - sharing stress should lighten the load.
As to whether the timing of the call was bad, well, only you know if his job is one you talk during the day or not. Traditionally my SO calls me about twice during the day - sometime near (a late) lunch and just before he leaves. So I can talk to him then. But trying to reach him to talk about something at say, 10 in the morning, is just not going to happen. Only you know if saving that till you get home would have been better - but it's hard to remember these things when you're upset.
I love the bees! So much good advice. I was unemployed when DH and I first started dating. I would email him 20 million links every day as I surfed the web and found interesting stuff. What worked for us- I would send him all the things I found interesting with a *star* if it was something important that he had to read (which I used very sparingly). He would read what he could get to and I was totally okay if he ignored the rest. I had to have an outlet, he needed to know it was okay if he didn't respond to my every passing thought.
As for you guys--have you thought of volunteering or getting part-time job? (I unfortunately was ill and unable to work or I would have) This would get you out of the house and not depending on him for all your social interactions.
PS--get over wanting overwhelming thanks and praise for cooking dinner. If you are doing cooking such great meals just for the praise, you are a martyr. Cook a nice meal if you enjoy doing it, but dont do it for the attention.
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Is anyone else experiencing this? My fiance and I have been together for 2 1/2 years before he proposed. We are getting married in 4 months and at leaste once a week we are haveing HUGE fights. Is this normal? I've even said to him that I was calling the whole thing off!! Are we just stressed out or are we just not good for each other?