I can't stop thinking about another guy

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
7997 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

I would keep this to yourself. There really is no sense in bringing up old issues – you’ll give the other guy hope, and you’ll devastate your husband because he probably assumed that you moved past this by now.

I think that once you move companies you’ll be ok. Out of sight, out of mind.

Post # 4
Member
451 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I think the other guy basically has the forbidden fruit syndrome… he wasn’t interested until he saw you with someone else. How convenient. I think it’s fairly certain that, if you suddenly became single, his interest would disappear.

 

If you had actually dated this guy, I don’t think it would have lived up to your expectations. You’re excited by the idea of a relationship with him because he was always slightly out of reach, which makes him mysterious and appealing to you. At the end of the day though, he’s just another guy it didn’t work out with. Nothing more, nothing less.

 

Post # 5
Member
4440 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

My husband and I had a month lull in 2009 (we were only BF and GF then, for 2 years) we decided to break up.

In that time I casually was talking to someone I knew from High School…it went no where because he said he knew I would always go back to my now Husband…which is actually true.

Things happen for a reason, timing IS EVERYTHING…it didn’t work out because it wasn’t supposed to.  The longer you go without seeing his name or hearing his voice (via facebook, texts, phone calls, mutual friends) the easier it’ll be.

 

Post # 6
Member
442 posts
Helper bee

@canarydiamond:  +1. Something came up recently that really reminded me of my ex. We were together for 5 years and have been broken up for a year and a half now. For the most part, I don’t think about him or have feelings about it. Every once in a while, something will happen that will really get to me and I will start feeling weird. Not necessarily missing him, just kind of nostalgic and missing the friendship and relationship we had. I haven’t cried about it in a while, but it still does happen sometimes. It’s normal for these feelings to pop up, but you should put it out of your mind as much as possible. It would be a very bad idea to disclose your feelings to either the other guy or your husband, so I think you should accept the offer and move on.

Post # 7
Member
1362 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - Turf Valley

I feel like if you’re wondering what it could have been with this guy, how can you actually say you’re really happy with your husband?  I can’t imagine someone actually being happy  w/their husband, yet having feelings of yearning for something that never was with another man.  

Agree with PP – out of sight, out of mine.  Do not bring this up to anyone.  Your FI is already being a super sport about it by still allowing you to be friends with this guy (if it were me, that would not fly).  

Cut off contact with this “friend” of yours.  Speaking to him is only fueling this fire.  Take the other job.  You don’t need to be friends with this person.  Especially when he is causing a rift in the relationship you have with your husband (whether you’re seeing it or not).

Post # 8
Member
851 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013 - The front lawn of our church

@Annyfornow84:  Keep it to yourself and whatever you do, don’t rekindle the friendship with the guy. The grass is always greener. You need to cut off all communication with him. No one thinks they’ll be the person saying, “We were just friends. I don’t know how this could happen!” But all it takes is a fight with DH and then him being there to comfort you. I’ve seen it happen lots of times. 

Post # 9
Member
3570 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

How would you feel if your husband told you he couldnt stop thinking about another woman?  I would focus on how hurt you would be and do not talk to either the guy or your husband.  It’s inappropriate and you need to get over it. 

Post # 10
Member
5932 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

@Annyfornow84:  …this guy sounds like one of those people who never knows how good something was until its already gone….and people like that are a chore to have in your life.  Because they live in the past, long for what they let go and are constantly working to recapture whatever it was they were so cavalier about in the first place.

You can wonder all you want, in fact, he’s probably better in your head than in the flesh….put him and those memories in the fantasy stable and put both eyes forward, on your husband and your marriage.

Its ok…this happens, its what you do, or don’t do about it that counts.

Post # 11
Member
1468 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

No good can come of you talking to either guy about this.  If you want to stay with your husband then take the new position at the other company and remove the other guy from your life.  He’s not your friend…he’s a manipulator.   

Post # 12
Member
1526 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@Annyfornow84:  Don’t mention these feelings to your husband.  Deal with them yourself.  Sure, when you dont see the guy everyday it will be easier not to talk to him/think of him, etc.  But he will always be in your mind – dreams are killers (you’ll go forever not thinking of him/talking to him and he will pop up in your dream).  Take some time and dont contact him – if you are meant to be friends it will work out over time.

This comes from personal experience with 2 guys.  One I still talk to once every 3 months or so.  The other one haunts my dreams – we dont talk anymore.  We talked when I was dating my now husband, but now we dont.  We never were real friends – just lovers so their isnt anything to talk about. But I do wonder how he is sometimes.  This curiosity does not take away from my love or my relationship I have with my husband.

Post # 13
Member
9528 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

I think this is a classic “the grass is always greener…” scenario. This guy didn’t appreciate you enough to have a real relationship in the 2 years you were best friends and sleeping together tells me that this is not the guy for you. There’s a reason it didn’t work out. And a reason things did work out with your husband. I would see the change in companies as a good thing and a good way to get this guy out of your life. And once you don’t see or talk to him any more I’m sure the thoughts of him will become more fleeting until you think, hm, what was his name? Seriously. You said you’re happily married. So focus on that. 

Post # 14
Member
9219 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@Annyfornow84:   You might be thinking about another man as the cliche one who got away but remember you’re married now and presumably have committed your life and faithfulness to your husband.

How would you feel if your husband were harboring similar feelings and thoughts for another woman?

You can control your thoughts – just stop thinking about him.  Yes, you can.

Post # 15
Member
1865 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

You say you love your husband, so you need to focus on those feelings rather than the “what ifs” of this other guy. Cut him out of your life. He’s only going to cause trouble in the long run. 

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