Post # 1
I am so sad and i just cant take the arguing with my FH. He was previously married never had an actual wedding and they had 2 girls. One is 6 and one is 9 now. He wanted so bad to have a nice wedding and i feel like now he doesnt care because he shows no interest in helping etc. I feel like asking hm to do things or asking his opinion or anything he just gets this look like uggh here we go again!!
It makes me so sad and all the work I have done has been alone and I dont want to do this anymore. I wish i can just get my deposits back and say screw it. It’s bringing me to tears. Bad enough i fight for attention between his girls and his work etc now when i really need help and attention its just not there.
I went from single party girl to step mom and wedding planner over night.. Im scared to be honest because if i cant get his attention now and help will it always be this way? I know he loves me dearly but when i express to him he never remembers anything, i have to beat the attention out of him or i dont feel important he flips on me saying you make it sound like Im a piece of shit… I simply state i need your help and i need attention and theres more to a marriage than being faithful. Hes a great dad and works hard but what about me? You want this wedding and i have to pull your leg? I feel like I nag I hate it. I dont know what to do anymore.
Post # 3
I’m really sorry you’re going through this. I think you really need to sit down and talk with your FI about what you’re feeling. If he really wants a nice wedding, too, then he needs to help you to make it nice. He can’t expect you to do everything and him just show up!
*Hugs* I hope things get better for you.
Post # 4
You need to talk to him seriously about how you are feeling. It sounds like you are feeling neglected in the relationship as well. Remember that wedding planning is a very stressful time and your situation has to be moreso because of the children involved. I hope that you two can work something out so that you feel more appreciated.
Post # 5
Sit down with your FI, talk about what kind of wedding he REALLY wants to have, and then guage what level of involvement he needs to take on in order for that to happen.
Take a few days off from wedding planning talk. It gets overwhelming and that’s not what your relationship is about at all. This is temporary, and lots of being look back and realize that all the planning stress made the engagement the hardest part. It’ll get better the less you worry about it.
Post # 6
Honestly, my hubby didn’t help plan the wedding at all! He picked out our cake cutting song and told me if he thought one of my ideas was absolutely terrible but other than that, I picked out EVERYTHING. I talked to him about it and he tried to be helpful but when it came down to it, he wanted to be married but he really just didn’t care about wedding details like I did.
I think you should talk to him about it and tell him how you’re feeling. Wedding planning can be really overwhelming so even if he isn’t into picking out colors and designs he still needs to support you. Make sure you lean on friends and family and when people offer to help, let them, and come to the bees for support too.
As KMSull said, the stress of planning is temporary. Pace yourself but take breaks too because we all can get overloaded. Some bees I’ve seen on here take a night or two off every week and restrict any wedding projects or wedding talk between them and their FI so they can get back a little normalcy in their relationship. Deep breath!
Post # 7
We are paying for the wedding ourselves. I need him to put in his side of the money and tell me what we can and can not do to a certain point. An example: For the wedding website, 3 weeks for him to get back to me on the 2 sentences for his 5 groomsman. I dont say anything to him unless I have to because I know its like speaking to wall when i say anything wedding related. I didnt even want this. He did. He wanted to get married like his brother and cousin. He was the black sheep with his ex getting pregnant unexpectedly and goign to court house 2 yrs later then getting divorced. Ok so i say lets do it but he thinks it will all come together by itself or relys on me to take care of it like everything else. My refridgerator had an odor and I am 1 month in trying to get him on top of it. All morning we have been texting since we are at work and I am telling him what i am telling you and he has since made me cry because he says i make him seem like a bad guy. I almost want just a break. The only people i really talk to about wedding stuff is YOU GUYS. My ideas or DIY all of it I come to you. Only people i know wont say geez here we go again. I guess its not only wedding stuff but its my biggest issue i have less than 6 months to put a wedding together and even bridesmaids i have to hound to do anything. I am not one to complain but writing this has me in tears I just want to explode. Hes taking everything the wrong way and he just doesnt get it. I am so behind with planning and I really dont bother anyone…
Post # 8
I think it’s about expectations, and just making sure you know what to expect out of him, and in return, he needs to know what you expect, too! Can you make a list of things, maybe prioritize them, and then sit down and have a heart-to-heart. Obviously he can’t drop everything to help you plan a wedding, but maybe 10 minutes a day, you sit, face to face, no TV, no kids, no interruptions, and discuss some things on that list. (For example, go through groomsmen and have himt ell you some details, then the next night, look at some wedding invitation ideas, and then maybe some pictures of flowers?) It doesn’t even have to be EVERY night, but a few nights a week for no more than 10 minutes at a time seems incredibly do-able.
Would that work?
Post # 9
1) Decide on what your budget is. Get a ballpark in your head and get him to do the same. Get on the same page by cutting costs on certain things if need be to get to the same number. Decide on how you are going to pay for it (monthly paycheck, credit card, etc). Tell your FI that you will need X amount of money by X amount of time to pay for X things. You’ll need to book your venue as soon as possible if you haven’t already.
2) Since you know he’s not really into planning, give him reasonable tasks to do. I found that with my hubby giving him options (A or B) was better than open ended options. He was able to make decisions much more easily. Asking him to pick our first dance song for example was pretty much like asking him what the meaning of life was. Instead I said “here are the two songs I like, which one do you like better?”
3) Texting him throughout the day is probably going to stress him out. I know you are stressed, we’ve all been there, but especially if he’s at work or doing other errands, it’s probably not the best time for him to help make wedding decisions. Take a deep breath before you two plan together. Trying to plan stressed together is only going to lead to more stress.
4) Relax but be direct with what you need from others. Ask all your BMs together and get projects and tasks done over pizza and beer (for example). Tell them what you need help on. I know it would be nice to have someone step up and take charge a little but you may need to fill that role yourself. Try and make it a fun experience (sometimes easier said than done) but try “hey girls, we need to pick out this so let’s get together by next Saturday and pick them out”.
5) Don’t worry! I planned my whole wedding in 5 and a half months. You might have missed some deadlines according to certain people or websites but it’s not too late to get them done. You are fine. Make a list (I used an excel spreadsheet) with tasks to be done. Assign your own deadlines to them. Focus on what you should be doing the next two weeks out or so only. Cross things off as you go, it helps keep you motivated so you can see the progress.
6) Take some time out for yourself and for you and your FI. Suggest a dinner out with no wedding talk and suggest that the following morning you can pick out specific wedding things together (don’t try to get too much done, pick out like a few things to start off with so you guys don’t get overwhelmed).
EDIT: You can do it! If I can, then anyone can 🙂
Post # 10
You could be like Mrs Cheese and have a “wedding night” once a week where you spend an allotted amount of time discussing wedding things. Say an hour, you give him an agenda of what you will discuss. That way, he knows its coming and can prepare. My hubs didn’t do much cuz we are so similar he knew I would pick things he liked. I got frustrated sometimes and towards the end stopped discussing with him – if he didn’t like it them tough toenails cuz he wasn’t inputting what he wanted. Luckily, I had already gotten the money so I spent it how I needed cuz he knew I woudln’t over spend.
but I think what you need to do first is sit him down and talk about your relationship, without bringing up the wedding. Tell him how you feel, and then depending on his responses bring up the idea of a wedding night. Tell him you need his input and remind him it was his idea. Don’t accuse, just be truthful. Try not to be emotional about it, cuz then you start saying things in the wrong way (much like the texting you guys are doing). And DON’T discuss these things through texts, you can’t convey emotions and sometimes what you say sounds like attacks – like he’s saying you make him feel like a bad guy.
Hopefully some of the advice you’ve been getting will help
Post # 11
I appreciate all of your advice. I maybe expect to much from him or bridesmaids for that matter. I just want help and i appear like a nag. You are right about text messages.. things are now on another level… he is leaving to stay with his parents for a little bit. Maybe we both need the space i dont know. I will be putting the wedding stuff on hold. Maybe in a little bit him and I can work out an agreement with how to handle the wedding. For now i stop. Thanks again ladies. I will continue to follow the boards though and see your ideas and questions.
Post # 12
First – I think there are definitely some other underlying issues here besides the wedding. It sounds like you’re priority number 3 on his list at the moment. You first have to ask yourself if you’re ok with that. If you aren’t, then I think it’s time for some counseling. He’s taking everything you say to him as an attack against him and isn’t opening up to seeing why you’re hurt here. He’s just seeing that you’re attacking him over the wedding yet again. I think counseling can help him to see that his lack of involvment to you is showing that he doesn’t care about the wedding, or you, and he’s taking advantage of you.
Second – stop having these conversations over text message! You need to sit down, face to face and have a serious talk with him. No other distractions, and you both need to give your full undivided attention. Calmly explain to him how he’s making you feel. When he starts with, “you’re making me feel like a bad guy,” you can let him know that you don’t mean to make him feel that way, but this is the way he’s making you feel. BOTH of your feelings are important in a realtionship…not just yours or not just his.
I definitely think you guys can benefit from someone else to talk to. I just think there are other issues there that are causing you to resent each other.