I think you should take the money and that it's a wonderful gesture on his part. I can see where it would be hard for you. But I think he is doing it so it can be paid off before you are married and can start your marriage free of this debt from the ex. Just my point of view. :)
Take the money and pay off your debt. He likely doesn't want to start off your marriage with this baggage hanging around. It will also save you a lot of money in the long run (not paying interest), that it will benefit both of you.
I also hate accepting help from other people, but one of the most interesting pieces of advice my dad ever gave me was to 'accept help when it's offered'. Your FI is offering because he loves and cares about you and wants to help you. There is nothing wrong with that.
If you accept the money now to pay off your debt, you may save a lot of money in interest rates, but insist on paying him back as soon as you can, even if it's just a bit every month.
Good luck with your decision!
If you arent' comfortable taking the money outright, can you take it as an interest free loan? Use the money to pay off your debt, but then work on paying him back over time. That way you dont' feel so bad taking it from him, but dont' have to pay all that interest.
Coming from the other side of this I have given my FI money to pay off his credit cards. Once you get married, your debt will become his debt so it makes sense for him to help you pay off your credit cards. Why exactly dont you want to take the money?
You're going to marry this guy so the debt will become his problem eventually. I think it's great that he wants to take care of it now and has the money to do so. If it were me, I'd take the check and pay off the debt. Then use the money that you would save to put towards it, to do something special for him (like a trip or big ticket item that he's always wanted).
I chose other. I still have marital debt Im getting married next year. Things like my new car I allowed my fiance to help me save the old one I have an emotional attachment too, but the marital debt no. I worked hard over 6 years to bring it down to 800 out of the 40k I started with. That debt is mine and mine alone it is my baggage. FI can help me with other things but I wont let him help me take out these last 6 months of bills. I'm a proud woman and proud that I did this myself especially after years of struggling to do so.
I also understand how this would be difficult for you, but I would accept it. When you guys get married, legally all money is shared, as well as debts to my knowledge. So if something were to happen to you after you were married, that debt may affect his credit, etc (I believe, though I am buy no means an expert with this stuff). It's smart to pay it off now if it's in your means as a couple, so you are not losing more money to interest.
Take the money. He's your fiance and eventually your debt will also be his, so he has a right to want to ge that paid off now... It's very sweet of him, actually.
You're getting married to him, and your debt will be his too. He probably would just rather take care of it now and be done with it.
I think it's nice he wants to help you out and get rid of it. I'm sure it would go both ways. If I had a good size of spare money, I would gladly give it to my FI to pay his student loans for example!
My FI and I had this problem with my last semester's tuition. About $3000. And for the longest time it really upset me and I refused to take it. It's pride more than anything and I totally get where you're coming from.
That being said, I think you should take the money. I'll put it to you the same way he put it to me, "We're getting married. It's not my money, and it's not your problem. It's our money and our problem. In 6 months we're going to be sharing everything anyway."
I don't know why, but for some reason that really changed my tune. Don't think of this as him doing something for you, he's doing this for both of you, for your life together.
thanks for all the input, it helps to get a view from outside my own head!
As someone who abhors interest I can totally see your fiance's reasoning. When you're married your debt becomes his debt. So he wants to avoid as much interest as possible on that debt, which means paying it off ASAP. And it sounds like he can. So let him. If it makes you uncomfortable, take PPs advice and treat it as a no interest loan and pay him back. But if possible, I would recommend just being gracious and accepting it as a gift. Marriage is sharing. The good and the bad. So this is a nice place to start.
This debt seems to represent some emotional baggage as well as soon very real $ debt.
take the money and enter your marriage with a clean slate.
There is no reason to wait. Credit card debt is the worst kind because the interest rate is SOOOO high! It's in both of your best interests to pay this off ASAP. I would honestly be pretty pissed if I were your FI. You'll be sharing finances soon and if you wait to pay this off, it'll just add a lot to your joint debt in the form of interest.
What a wonderful gesture on his part. You should take it. I am of the school of thought that finances should be merged and shared in a marriage, just like everything else. Thre is no "his money" vs. "my money" vs. "our money". There's only "our money".
Honestly, I would wait until you are married of just before. Anything can happen in a relationship and if you two didn't end up getting married you would have this huge, awkward debt to him.
I would either take the money or wait until you're married and then take it.
In marrying you, it becomes his debt too, and he does have a right to decide to pay it off.
@dlbaqua: Take it. If you're getting married, it becomes YOUR money. What's the sense in dragging your collective financial situation down by paying more interest? It doesn't sound like the debt is really your fault, so it's not like you're going to slip back into bad spending habits.
I think that by not taking the money you're doing a disservice to your relationship. Now isn't the time to be proud.
It'll become his debt and he doesn't want that.
Start fresh!
When you're married and the finances are combined, you'll have less to contribute paying off this debt plus interest, so it doesn't make sense to me to wait until you get married to take the money.
I think you should take the money, because of the fact that debt will effect your relationship and what you guys can do as a couple negatively. Perhaps a good idea is taking the money you were going to use to pay back the debt and put into a savings account each month.
@dlbaqua: You guys are going to be married. Your debt is his debt. Let him do this for you. ::hug::
What's the difference between paying off the debt with the money he gives you before or after the wedding? Your debt will be his as well. Also, what's holding you back? Pride?
@dlbaqua: when you guys get married, your debt=his debt since paying it off will affect both of you. So essentially even if you are paying it off, you both are since it will be taking away from the income you guys have coming into your household that you share. It's all the same really. So in the interest of paying off the debt in the smartest and quickest way, I say pay it off and let your pride fall to the wayside. I am like you, I wanna do it myself. But in this case I would probably take it because it's his future too, not jus tmine, and I think he probably doesn't want to start your life together with that kind of thing hanging over your head.
Take the money, say thank you, and do something sweet for your FI.
He is viewing your debt as mutual and is doing a very loving and generous thing.
Your finances will be one soon enough.... So if you don't let him pay it off now, it will be his debt as well once you are married. As long as he can afford to pay it off, I would let him.
Take the money and pay it off. If it makes you feel better about it, take the money you would have been paying that debt (and throwing away on the interest payments) and "pay him back". Getting rid of that debt is not just financially benefically to you, but to him as well, esp if you take on the view of joint everything.
You not taking the money will force you to accrue interest you otherwise could have avoided, will delay the repair of your credit score, and ultimately effect purchases down the line like house and car. My DH did the same thing for me when we were engaged, and it benefited us both greatly. It'll all be joint money in the eyes of the law soon - might as well maximize profit/minimize loss now.
What a generous gesture! Take the money, when you get married soon your debt will be his debt and he probably doesn't want that hanging over either of your heads! Make him a really nice dinner and do stuff he likes to show you appreciate it!
Once you are married it's his debt too and every month you have that debt the interest grows so in the end you will owe MORE money. He probably wants to start the marriage debt free. I would take care of it.
I believe he is doing this because he loves you and wants to start your marriage off well.
My suggestion is to either take the money now and pay off your debt, or wait a few months until after the wedding, and do it then. You are getting married, and I believe that's when your life merges in all aspects, including financial.
I'd take the money. It's a nice gesture and debt is terrible. I hate debt and I know that personally I didn't want to date a guy with a lot of debt. It may sort of disturb your fiance that you have the debt, if he's like me about debt.
But if you really don't want to, wait until after the wedding and combine all moneys and then pay off your debt with the available funds.
Babe, you are engaged, you will be married. Your debt is his debt and vice versa. I was just like you. Always taking care of myself and have debt from previous relationship. My FI doesn't let me pay for anything and we live together. He just wants me to pay off the debt and even gives me money towards it.
If he has the means to help you then remember he is also doing it for him too. It's better this way, just let him.
I chose other. I'd take SOME money, but not all of it, and here's why: your credit score is going to suffer. Credit scores rise when you show that you are capable of making payments on time and (though it sucks) paying interest. Paying all of your debts at once is unwise because your credit score will take a beating. Take some of his money, it's a gift and it hurts your pride but it's better for your marriage in the long run for you to have manageble debt. Take the amount you think you need in order to get your debt down to a manageabe level and then make payments for a year or two until it's gone. You credit score is soooo important to your marriage because it is a huge factor when it comes to buying a house or a car or getting an apartment or a loan.
My credit score is actually good, better than his thanks to a crazy ex-wife. My interest rate is actually much lower than what he can get at the moment but even with a low interest rate the interest is too much.
We talked about it last night and decided the money will be a wedding gift, we're getting married in March so that's not too long to wait.
We've had a tumultuous relationship at times mostly due to the fact that we were both each other's rebound relationship and this is the 3rd go at it for both of us as well. We've gotten professional help and are both committed to making this work but I think waiting on the money is the right thing for us.
Thanks for all the input and advice! I love this board!
I would take the money. I had more money than my FI did and I would have paid off his debts before marriage. It was important for me to start our lives debt free.
Just take the money! If your SO went all the way to the bank, and got the check for you, then it's obviously something he wants to give you. If it makes you feel better, just think of it as a loan, and you get pay him back.
Unless you are having second guesses about getting married you should take the money and pay off the debt. Once married you will both pool your assets and liabilities anyway. This is not a mountain I would be willing to die on (i.e. not a valid reason to fight with your partner to the point it may affect your relationship.)
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FI wants to give me money to pay off my credit card debt. It's debt I have from my last marriage (long story short, ex chronically ill, got into debt taking vacations and living his bucket list, then turns out not quite so ill but addicted to pain medications).
Anyway, I can't take the money. It's the smart thing to do, pay off the debt and get rid of the interest but it's soooooo much money and I just don't feel right taking it. He got the cashiers check 10 days ago and I still haven't done anything with it. We had a BIG fight right after he got it and I told him I don't want the money so it's been in his car for 10 days, which isn't a safe place to keep that kind of money. I want him to put it back in the bank.
Am I being dumb to want to pay off my own debt? It's an our money vs my money vs his money thing.