I can't take the money

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: Should I take the money?
    Take the money : (121 votes)
    75 %
    Have him put the money back in his account : (2 votes)
    1 %
    Let him give me the money when we get married : (33 votes)
    20 %
    Other- please explain : (6 votes)
    4 %
  • Member
    173 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: September 2013

    I think you should take the money and that it’s a wonderful gesture on his part.  I can see where it would be hard for you.  But I think he is doing it so it can be paid off before you are married and can start your marriage free of this debt from the ex.  Just my point of view. :)

    Member
    3755 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: December 1999

    Take the money and pay off your debt. He likely doesn’t want to start off your marriage with this baggage hanging around. It will also save you a lot of money in the long run (not paying interest), that it will benefit both of you.

    Member
    910 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    I also hate accepting help from other people, but one of the most interesting pieces of advice my dad ever gave me was to ‘accept help when it’s offered’. Your FI is offering because he loves and cares about you and wants to help you. There is nothing wrong with that.

    If you accept the money now to pay off your debt, you may save a lot of money in interest rates, but insist on paying him back as soon as you can, even if it’s just a bit every month.

    Good luck with your decision!

    Member
    2585 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    If you arent’ comfortable taking the money outright, can you take it as an interest free loan? Use the money to pay off your debt, but then work on paying him back over time. That way you dont’ feel so bad taking it from him, but dont’ have to pay all that interest.

    Member
    1096 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: July 2013

    Coming from the other side of this I have given my FI money to pay off his credit cards.  Once you get married, your debt will become his debt so it makes sense for him to help you pay off your credit cards. Why exactly dont you want to take the money?

    Member
    203 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: October 2011

    You’re going to marry this guy so the debt will become his problem eventually. I think it’s great that he wants to take care of it now and has the money to do so. If it were me, I’d take the check and pay off the debt. Then use the money that you would save to put towards it, to do something special for him (like a trip or big ticket item that he’s always wanted).

    Member
    2669 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: October 2014 - Disney

    I chose other. I still have marital debt Im getting married next year. Things like my new car I allowed my fiance to help me save the old one I have an emotional attachment too, but the marital debt no. I worked hard over 6 years to bring it down to 800 out of the 40k I started with. That debt is mine and mine alone it is my baggage. FI can help me with other things but I wont let him help me take out these last 6 months of bills. I’m a proud woman and proud that I did this myself especially after years of struggling to do so.

    Member
    2431 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: May 2012

    I also understand how this would be difficult for you, but I would accept it. When you guys get married, legally all money is shared, as well as debts to my knowledge. So if something were to happen to you after you were married, that debt may affect his credit, etc (I believe, though I am buy no means an expert with this stuff). It’s smart to pay it off now if it’s in your means as a couple, so you are not losing more money to interest.

    Member
    1335 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: October 2012

    Take the money. He’s your fiance and eventually your debt will also be his, so he has a right to want to ge that paid off now… It’s very sweet of him, actually. 

    Member
    5163 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: September 2013

    You’re getting married to him, and your debt will be his too.  He probably would just rather take care of it now and be done with it.

    I think it’s nice he wants to help you out and get rid of it.  I’m sure it would go both ways.  If I had a good size of spare money, I would gladly give it to my FI to pay his student loans for example!

    Member
    995 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: May 2013

    My FI and I had this problem with my last semester’s tuition. About $3000. And for the longest time it really upset me and I refused to take it. It’s pride more than anything and I totally get where you’re coming from.

    That being said, I think you should take the money. I’ll put it to you the same way he put it to me, “We’re getting married. It’s not my money, and it’s not your problem. It’s our money and our problem. In 6 months we’re going to be sharing everything anyway.”

    I don’t know why, but for some reason that really changed my tune. Don’t think of this as him doing something for you, he’s doing this for both of you, for your life together.

    Member
    6832 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: August 2013

    As someone who abhors interest I can totally see your fiance’s reasoning. When you’re married your debt becomes his debt. So he wants to avoid as much interest as possible on that debt, which means paying it off ASAP. And it sounds like he can. So let him. If it makes you uncomfortable, take PPs advice and treat it as a no interest loan and pay him back. But if possible, I would recommend just being gracious and accepting it as a gift. Marriage is sharing. The good and the bad. So this is a nice place to start.

    Member
    2222 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: October 2011

    This debt seems to represent some emotional baggage as well as soon very real $ debt.

    take the money and enter your marriage with a clean slate.

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