Post # 1
I’ve posted a lot on the bee under my normal name, but due to the nature of my post I’m posting under an alias.
My husband and I have been married for 18 months. I’ve never cheated on him before. We have been struggling with some legal things that are 100% his fault because something from his past (that I knew about long before we got married) has come back to haunt us and I feel like it’s caused a rift in our relationship. The legal stuff has been going on for several months and I’ve tried to not blame him for the issue since it’s not something he did since we got married and something I knew about going into it. My best friend had a birthday a while back and it was supposed to be just a fun girls’ night out. The girls I were with were a combination of married and single but at a certain point I was the only sober one and wound up being a “caretaker” for the drunken ones. We were at a bar and they were both making out with other people. One of the guys that was with one of my friends had a friend named Ben. Ben and I started talking. He knew I was married. We talked about a ton of stuff over several hours while I was looking out for my friends as they did their own thing. We connected and as the night progressed he got a bit closer and closer and began to flirt a bit. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t like the attention and I think the fact that I have been feeling distant from my husband because of the legal issues made it worse. Long story short, we were alone and he made a move and kissed me. I kissed him back and it eventually led to me performing oral sex on him in a private area. He was visiting from another state so i knew I’d never see him again. I haven’t told my husband and never plan to. I feel terrible for letting myself go down that road and for letting it be something I wanted rather than something I was talked into. I feel scared that I’ve led myself down a path that will turn into me continually cheating. You hear the expression “once a cheater always a cheater” and it’s a scary situation. I love my husband and he is a wonderful husband who always tries to do the right things and is such a trustworthy and good person (court issue aside…). This has been eating me up. I appreciate any words of advice. Thanks
Post # 3
If you’re feeling this bad about it, it might be worth it to talk to a therapist. Someone who you won’t ever worry about telling your husband, but that you can talk through everything and maybe work through your rift with your husband. Best of luck!
Post # 4
I could understand a drunken slip-up/makeout, but if my partner was the “sober one” and went so far as to find somewhere private to do sexual activities with another person, I’d be devastated. I hate how often counseling/therapy is thrown out on these boards, but I’d need the reassurance of a professional, third party if I was going to stay in the relationship.
I’d also feel incredibly worse if this came out later. I don’t think secrets like this can stay hidden. The guilt will eat at you, someone may have seen you, Ben may come back to town randomly. Lying just escalates the offense and (I think) will drive a bigger wedge into your relationship with your husband. You say you’re already scared of doing this again– I think relationships are strongest when both partners are honest and work together.
Post # 5
I think you should tell him. Most definitely!! You’ve only been married for 18 months, but this isn’t the beginning of your relationship so there’s no reason to not be fully committed to him. A drunken mistake is one thing but giving a sober blow job is whole nother ball game.
Post # 6
I’m an advocate for not sharing this info with your partner IF it is a one-time occurrence. Why possibly lose a relationship over a single mistake? It doesn’t mean you don’t love your husband, it doesn’t mean you want to leave him.
Take it to your grave. Tell a therapist if you want, but I would not whisper a word of it to anyone else so as to avoid it getting out to your husband. Do any of the other people you went out with that night know you went back with this Ben guy?
Now, if it is something that happens repeatedly, then your husband has every right to know. That puts him at a health risk. It leads him to believe that everything is alright with you two when really you’re seeking outside pleasure.
It’s a terrible situation, but you messed up big time by going along with Ben. It was your mistake, and now you need to carry it. Your husband doesn’t need to suffer too.
I wouldn’t be surprised if my opinion is quite unpopular, and that is fair enough. Some people would want to know if anything happened between their partner and someone else. I for one don’t want to ruin a perfectly good relationship over one mistake. Again, that is only if it is one slip-up. Monogamy can be tough.
Post # 7
He deserves to know. What if he would want to leave? Is it up to you to make the decision for him? I know you made a mistake and got caught up in the moment, but he needs to know.The relationship is a lie unless he knows. I feel so sorry for you, but he is the real victim here, and he shouldn’t be with someone who was unfaithful if he doesn’t want to be.
Tell him, and maybe he’ll be grateful you told him since he probably wouldn’t have find out otherwise. It’s not guaranteed that he’ll leave, but again, he deserves that option.
I also don’t like how you prefaced the story with the legal troubles that are “100% his fault”. You didn’t directly blame him here, but maybe you felt resentful and special during all that flirting, and that’s why you didn’t stop yourself. The fact that you were sober is even more troubling.
Do you really think you can keep this quiet forever? The guilt would kill me, and I would want my SO to choose to be with me for the rest of his life because he wants to be, not because I am hiding a big secret. Please do the right thing: Tell him.
Post # 8
@bowsergirl: Thanks for the advice. To answer your question, no my friends have no idea that I did anything with him. I found out after the fact by googling him that he was also married so I think the changes of ever running into him again or having him blow the whistle is extremely small.
Post # 9
I think you need to tell him and be prepared for the consequences that will follow.
If my SO did this to me and didn’t tell me (and I found out later), I would be BEYOND destroyed emotionally. More so than if he told me and I took appropriate action.
If you don’t plan on telling him, I would end your relationship with him. If you’re seeking attention and sexual gratification aside from your husband then I don’t know if you should continue to be in a relationship with him.
I hope I didn’t sound mean, because I hope that everything does work out for you – one way or the other.
Post # 10
I am so sorry that you are now finding yourself in this situation.
Based on what I know of human nature, as well as on the many threads like this that I’ve seen during my time on these boards, I know that you are going to have an extremely difficult time getting over what happened, and the longer you try to keep this a secret from your husband, the more what you’ve done is going to begin to eat away at you inside. Although I’ve seen a number of bees who have cheated who have resolved to NEVER tell their DHs/FIs/SOs, I’ve never seen one person write that she has been successful in truly being able to get over her guilt.
I believe that covering guilt only compounds that guilt and that nothing positive can ever come out of trying to bury the truth. There is not a hole deep enough on this planet to bury it, because you will not only always know what happened, but also, you will always know that you are keeping a deep, dark, secret from your husband.
I anticipate that you will not agree with me. However, I want to strongly, strongly encourage you to confess what you’ve done to your husband. I think you need to tell him what you did, the circumstances under which you did it, and the feelings you’ve been having that led you to make the terrible choice that you made. In no way do I think you should attempt to blame HIM for your very terrible decision. However, he needs to know how you’ve been feeling and what you’ve been thinking. He likely is going to be extremely upset and angry for a period of time. Perhaps a very long time. However, it’s entirely possible that he will be willing to forgive you for what you’ve done. If so, and if you both love each other and are both committed to keeping the marriage together in spite of your indiscretion, there is hope for you and your DH to start a new, and possibly even better, future. If you try to conceal this transgression for the rest of you life, I believe that your trying to keep this terrible secret is only going to torment you.
I wish you and your DH the very best in working through this situation.
Post # 11
I’m going to be really honest with you and tell you my cheating story, I hope it helps. In the years before I met my FI i was at a very bad, unhealthy place in my life. I cheated on the guy I was dating before I met my FI. I thought we were really in love, everything was great. We were in a long distance relationship living about 1000 miles a part so we only saw each other every 2-3 weeks. One weekend I went on an out of town trip with my roomate to visit her bf in another town. We stayed in her bf’s apartment that he shared wth several other guys. I really hit it off with one of the guys. We all went to a party that night and I ended up making out with him. Later on that night we might have had sex. I was very drunk and had also done some drugs so I don’t remember. I did wake up crying in his bed with him on top of me so I’m guessing we did have sex or at least he tried (he was really drunk and on drugs too). The next day my roomate (also one of my best friends) convinced me I had to tell my BF the truth so I did. He was very angry but we did stay together. However, few months later I broke up with him because the experience of cheating on him MADE ME REALIZE I DIDN’T LOVE HIM. At least, I didn’t love him the way you need to love someone if you are going to be with them for the rest of your life. I would never cheat on my FI because I love him too much and our future is too important to me. I have been tempted, but I have choosen to stay faithful. If I were you, I would tell your husband the truth. I know it will be really REALLY hard to do. It will suck and he will be really angry. If you want to have any hope of continuing with your nmarriage you need to be honest with him and you should go to couples counseling. I just want you to know I’m not trying to judge you. I hope my experience helps. Good luck
Post # 12
You also need to get checked for STDs as you can get them from oral sex too. You are putting your husband at risk if you have not. You may not have a choice in telling him if you find out you caught something. I also think that you should tell him. He deserves to know.
Post # 13
Please tell me he wore a condom. STDs can be transmitted via oral sex…everything from gonorrhea to chlamydia to hepatitis B. If you didn’t have safe sex you need to be tested. If you contracted an STD from this man you have to tell you husband if he’s at risk. If there is no risk I suggest you keep it to yourself and never allow yourself to be put in that kind of situation where that can happen again.
Post # 14
@OctBride-2012: you beat me to it.
OP- no matter what you decide to do, get tested for STD’s. Your husband getting one from you is no way to find out about your infidelity.
Post # 15
I am from the camp, once a chater always a cheater within that relationship at least. Cheating occurs when one person isn’t getting basic core needs met and it’s more important to them to get those met than respect for your spouse.
I left my first marriage because I became emotionally attached to another person. No physical touch took place and I was intimate with him over the phone. I had been married at that point for 13 years and we had 2 children together. He was my best friend. I knew when I did that, I had lost respect for our marriage and I had no reason to continue with it. I told him. We tried counseling and I decided that the marriage was over. He would have forgiven me, especially since I didn’t cheat. He saw that he contributed to the emotional affair because I told him months before that I feared for our relationship, that if things didn’t change then I could see me cheating or asking for a divorce.
Five years later I met and married the love of my life. We are so much better suited for each other than my first husband and I was. If I wouldn’t have left, I would have never found him and never would be this happy. I protect this relationship. I have been hit on, “tempted” so to speak but I cut off contact with that person that is not respecting our marriage as my husband is the most important person to me and I will never allow someone cause a rift in our relationship.
Post # 16
I understand having temptations, especially when you’re having problems in your relationship and not getting that intimate attention you need from your SO. But this situation can go many ways. It all depends on the person. If you tell your DH, he may not accept cheating in his relationship and can not forgive you. He may love you so much that he wants to forgive you and work it out. If he does forgive you, he won’t forget so the trust is gone. Which mean, he’ll constantly remind you how you cheated and when you guys argue, I don’t doubt your infidelty will come up. He might have trust issues now, whenever you want to go out with your friends. Just know your relationship will not be the same. And if you keep it from him, you might be having guilt that you’ll start thinking that he’s cheating, because you did why wouldn’t he.
However, you’re already thinking that you’ll cheat again. Which is already a sign that you don’t want to be in a commited relationship. If you feel like you can’t control yourself from cheating, especially now because you see how easy it was, then I suggest you stop and really contemplate what you want. If you really wanted to be committed and is truly in love with your DH, you wouldn’t be questioning yourself, what if I cheat again. But only you know how he’ll react and how you’ll feel if you keep this from him. My FI told me he does not tolerate cheating, no matter if its kissing to full intercourse. He’ll leave me and never look back. There’s no second chances. But everyone is different.