I cheated

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
11740 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

However you move forward (anullment vs. divorce), these proceedings are what will determine your mortgage and custody concerns.  Generally, when a mortgage is concerned, one party buys out the other party’s stake in the home.  If you don’t have the savings, you might be in trouble there.  A divorce attorney would be the best place to get this information from.

If you are concerned about an anulment, I take it that you are, at least to some extent, religious.  I would suggest talking to your priest/pastor before doing anything rash.  Raise your concerns, and ask how to proceed.  You will have to be honest about your adultery.

You also need to come clean to your husband.  I would explain the reason that you cheated (his lack of intimacy), but don’t try to justify it.  What you did was wrong, plain and simple.  You betrayed his trust in you, and you’re going to have to fess up to it and let the cards fall where they may.

After all of this, and after you try counseling if your husband agrees, then you need to decide if you’re going to stay commited to your marriage, or if you’re going to leave.  Either way, I suggest you end contact with the guy you cheated with, because he’s only going to muddle the situation even more.

Post # 4
Member
7664 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

I suspect you have grounds for an annulment, yes, but what you really need now is some good legal advice. If your marriage is over, you need to work on the grounds for a separation.

Post # 5
Member
3200 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

@abbie017:  I’m not sure what country you are in but if the OP is in the United States an Annulment is a legal procedure for declaring a marriage null and void.  

@Sunnydisposition:  I guess you could file for annulment for either Fraud or physical incapacity.  I suggest you talk to a lawyer since an annulment really isn’t that common and with a child and property everything starts to get messy.  I suggest you end it with your hubby without mentioning the other man to keep the separation clean.

Post # 6
Member
11740 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@NovaRising:  Interesting. I’ve only ever heard of annulments in terms of Catholicism, and divorce as the civil response.  Regardless, the difference between the two isn’t really the point of this post at all.

Post # 7
Member
3200 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

@abbie017:  I’m aware of the “point” of the thread.  But it was the point when it came to the advice she was asking about.  

I wasn’t trying to correct you to be a “know-it-all”.  I just wanted to provide the correct information. 

Post # 8
Member
195 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

I am mm no one to judge,  the best of luck to you,everyone needs to feel loved. 

Post # 9
Member
24 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: December 2013

I think you need to decide whether or not you want to stay in this marriage first of all. Try and separate this out from your feelings for this other man and the money your parents put into the wedding. Do you actually want to stay with your husband? 

If yes, you will need to come clean about the cheating and discuss if/how you can work through your issues together. Counselling is probably a good idea. 

If no, you should seek legal advice on your options. You should probably cease contact with the other man for a while, sort out your separation first and then see whether this new relationship is something you want to pursue. 

Sorry this is happening to you, and good luck. 

 

Post # 10
Member
3016 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

I would think you have grounds for an annulment. It’s certainly not a marriage I’d be interested in. 🙁

I would proceed cautiously. If you are worried about custody, I’d consider NOT mentioning you slept with another man, as it could motivate your husband to “get back at you” through custody drama. 

As for the guilt you have about your father’s savings and the wedding costs… there’s not much you can do about that. Perhaps later down the road you’ll be in a position to pay him back? No one would expect you to stay in a marriage like this one. You can’t let that guilt keep you from moving forward.

Post # 11
Member
2688 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 1996

@Sunnydisposition:  I just wanted to say I am sorry you are in this position, and that you’ve been so unhappy. Life is complicated, and relationships are complicated, and I hope you can figure out what to do from here to find happiness for you and your child (who definitely needs to be protected from verbal aggression.) If your husband IS gay and keeping it a secret, he must be very afraid and upset all the time, which could explain his inability to be a good dad. Do you think he would agree to go to couples’ therapy? It wouldn’t matter if your goal was to split up or not; I think you would both benefit from the chance to communicate with a professional guiding you.

Post # 13
Member
3016 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

I’m all for couple’s therapy normally, but in this case, I don’t see how it will help. You aren’t interested in being with this man, so even if he gets it together enough to start being intimate again, do you WANT that? Are you going to force yourself to sleep with a man you don’t want to b/c your dad shelled out a lot of money for the wedding?

I wonder what your dad would think if he knew your husband hasn’t ever told you you’re beautiful or that he loves you or SLEPT with you since JUNE????

Post # 14
Member
1355 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

Would you be considering leaving him if you had not cheated? Or be as serious as you feel now? If no and you feel like you want to try to save your marriage, come clean to him and hopefully go to counselling as other bee’s have suggested. If you are just done, then see a lawyer to find out your legal options and proceed with a divorce/annulment/etc. I’d also still come clean. There are always two sides to a story. What’s the reason behind him witholding intimacy? Why hasn’t he been a supporting and loving husband? It can’t just be him being tired. Maybe there are other issues. Either way, I wish you the best of luck. 

Post # 16
Member
2649 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@Sunnydisposition:  I’m curious, but why did you marry this man? I’m not being snarky, it just seems as though there were some very serious issues before the wedding so why did you go through with it? Why did your husband?  I think regardless of what happens, you should think about this so you don’t make the mistake of rushing into another bad relationship.

Have you ever asked/demanded seeking professional help in the form of a counselor or medical doctor? Would you consider it now?  Does your husband seem happy/content in the marriage? 

I think you owe it to the marriage to try to save it. If your husband won’t see a counselor with you, go by yourself so you’re making well thought out decisions. 

 

Leave a comment


Sent weekly. You may unsubscribe at any time.

Find Amazing Vendors