Post # 1
My boyfriend and I broke up about a month ago.
I decided to get back together with him because we felt that there were things worth saving in the relationship, and that we had made a mistake.
Since then, the relationship has been less than smooth sailing. Great one day, then terrible the next. For about a week it was so great that we went engagement ring shopping – as we originally wanted to get engaged before we broke up. Possibly we were going through that really ‘in love’ stage of making up. In that time I truly thought that this was it, that we could make it work.
Until we had another huge fight again.
During that fight, my boyfriend left town for the weekend.
I went out with friends, got quite drunk and slept with another man.
I realised that I obviously needed and wanted to formally leave the relationship with my boyfriend, and so I broke it off when he came back from being away. He will not know that I have done this, unless in extreme circumstances where he sometimes finds out..
I just feel so guilt ridden. I’m a cheater and I never ever wanted to be. I didn’t do myself any favours partying and hanging around with a man I have found extremely attractive (I know him through work). I am also obviously a liar because I told him I was single.
I’m horrified with myself. Absolutely horrified with myself. I feel like a terrible person. It’s a pretty crap thing to do to another person but I’ve just been so emotionally distraught and confused lately. The only silver lining is knowing that it is possible to have such chemistry with another person – it is a long time since I have been with anyone other than the boyfriend and I thought I would never feel the way that I have with another person that I do with him. That was the reason I wanted to save the relationship, even though he had been pretty terrible to me and it was crumbling into a crappy relationship.
However he sure doesn’t ‘deserve’ this at all.
Please, I just want some support/advice/words. If I deserve to feel horrible, please tell me. I have another appointment with my psychologist but I’m feeling too disgusted with myself to be honest and tell them about this situation. I’m ashamed of myself.
Post # 3
@musiciansgirl: It sounds like you won’t be able to move on with your relationship after cheating, so how do you think your significant other will be able to do so if he finds out? I think you have two options: 1. Tell him and let him know you need to be honest before continuing the relationship. 2. If you don’t want to tell him, then break up. Doesn’t sound like you have a healthy relationship right now, and hiding something so detrimental to a relationship will not help the situation.
Post # 4
@musiciansgirl: Sleeping with another man when you are drunk is not the silver lining and it does not mean that you had any chemistry with that person.
It was drunk sex and you need to work with your psychologist to figure out why you would do that to your boyfriend. More importantly, why would you do that to yourself?
You absolutely must be honest with your psychologist if you hope to make progress in understanding what led to your behavior and ensuring that you deal with that before moving on.
Post # 5
@thehappiestbridetobe: Thanks for your post. We’ve broken up, I’ve ended the relationship after this happened. I’m just feeling extremely guilty that it did happen
Post # 6
@musiciansgirl: It’s easy to beat yourself up about it, but we’re only human. Clearly you were in an unhealthy relationship and you got caught up in something. At least you had the courage to break up with him instead of staying in an unfaithful relationship. I think with time you will come to forgive yourself. In the meantime…HUGS!
Post # 7
@anneh1990: Thank you. The comment above from julies1949 made me just about throw up. I am so sorry it happened. I have been at my wits end. I will never do this again or let myself be in this situation
Post # 8
You are NOT a horrible person. We all mess up… there’s no use in spending your precious energy beating yourself up. You were confused and you made a bad decision. You’re human. If anything, this decision has taught you a valuable lesson about the kind of person you want to be. Please don’t be so hard on yourself. I promise that the ache you feel right now will heal with time. Best of luck <3
Post # 9
@musiciansgirl: This might sound kind of harsh but you need to quit dwelling on it. Shit happens sometimes, you broke up, he doesn’t even know you cheated and your relationship was apparently bad enough at that point that he didn’t even question the reason for the breakup. He doesn’t need to know about it because you’re not together, and telling him would just hurt his feelings to ease your own guilt.
At this point the best thing for you to do is just move on and forget about it. There’s no point in worrying yourself sick over it
Post # 10
While I obviously don’t condone cheating, if the relationship is over, I don’t think think there is anything to be gained from telling him (normally I would say a cheater should confess). You made a mistake and you have ended the relationship. If you think you need more insight as to why this happened, then sure, see a counselor. But if this is truly just a one-time thing and you’ve learned your lesson, then forgive yourself and move on.
Post # 11
Was it a clean break up, or one that leaves the door open to an unmarred reconciliation with the BF at any point in the future? No, but it sounds like you may have been subconsciously looking for a way out permanently, and found one. Part of you may have been afraid that you’d keep going back to a relationship that obviously had big problems and wasn’t working. While a drunken one night stand with a co-worker is nothing to be particularly proud of, the reality is your relationship with the ex BF was essentially over. I don’t think you need to beat yourself up about this forever or label yourself all kind of horrible things.
You are young and still single. This does not mean you will behave this way in the future or that you can’t be trusted. Live, learn, forgive yourself, and move on.
Post # 12
@julies1949: That’s ridiculously harsh, IMO. She broke up with the BF and was never with him again for a minute after this happened.
Post # 13
@weddingmaven: I read the facts of the situation.
Does she sound like a person who feels ok about what she did? Do you not think she needs professional help to work through this? Do you think it is healthy behavior to have drunken sex with someone else before you end your current relationship?
I reiterate my advice to tak about it with her psychologist. All the “there there’s” on WeddingBee are not going to help in the long term.
Post # 14
@musiciansgirl: Oh, please be kinder to yourself! It doesn’t sound like a good situation and I can understand why you would be having some of these feelings and regrets. On the flipside, it is obvious that you are not simply a terrible or selfish person, or else you would not be going through things the way you are at the moment. There is going to be a period during which you feel uncomfortable with the choices you have made, but you will be ok and much stronger on the other side of it.
Try and find the truth in the situation, instead of beating yourself up. It may not have been your best move, but you are taking the steps you can now to move on from it as best you can. If you trust your psychologist then I would strongly encourage you to bring it up with them. You will not be judged, and it may really help to have someone objective who can help you work through your feelings.
Take care of yourself! Sending you my warmest thoughts.
Post # 15
@musiciansgirl: the only way you are going to move on from this is if you just accept the fact that this happened. nothing you can do to change it. just accept it for what it is. obviously you were over with your relationship and maybe this was your way to finalize it.
Post # 16
@julies19 I was mostly responding to the part where you said she has to work out why she “did that to her BF.” That makes it sound as if they were having on ongoing relationship and she’s a cheater. You may have her on a technicality, and yes, it would have been proper and appropriate to completely end things in no uncertain terms, but the reality is he wasn’t her BF any longer and he wasn’t going to be.
But yes, if this is causing distress, by all means she should seek counseling. And no, a drunken one night stand is never a good idea.