Weddingbee boards

Ok, please dont judge and hear me out...

We met when I was 18 and a freshman in college and he was 22. I fell for him immediately and began trying to plan our life together. I started acting a little older than my age and didnt go out with friends as much. I didnt mind because I felt like this position clicked for me. I was on the way to building my life with "the one".

Last fall, after 5 years of being together, my FI and I hit a rough patch. We were planning a wedding and buying a house at the same time, not to mention the meshing of the families wasnt going very well because we were met with much resistance. So things were getting stressful for us, and we began to take it out on each other.

It was around this time that my FI became a little difficult. He became harsh and mean at times...ie when we would go out to the movies or dinner, I liked to look nice so a little makeup and maybe a heel with my jeans and he would say "where are you going? just put on some gym shoes." I always tried to look nice previously when we would go out, but all of a sudden it was an issue. We stopped having sex, we used to 3-8 times a week and it dulled down to about 1-2 times/week. He would play video games for most of the night to the point where I would be sleeping by myself, we stopped watching TV together like we used to most nights, and then he started to drink more, whether we were going out or not. He was always on his phone, texting and talking to someone. It got so bad that he couldnt leave his phone charger at home because his phone was always dying. Some of his female friends began to send him inappropriate pictures of themselves, girls I met and knew. He would show me and said they wanted opinions and sometimeshe said the pics were for me (his one friend was bi). I told him all the time about his attitude and how I hated how much he was using his phone, but it never changed. He acknowledged my feelings, but did nothing to stop his attitude or stop using his phone so much. It was like he didnt care.

One night, while I was out with girlfriends and my girlfriend's boyfriend at the time brought a friend. He began to hit on me but I immediately told him I was engaged and flashed my ring at him. He said "Too bad. Well let me buy you a drink anyway." We sat and talked, he spent most of the night complimenting me and dancing (which I havent done in literally years). It was nice to be told how beautiful I was and how nice I looked. It had been so long...

I started going out with my girlfriends more (I couldnt pry FI off the couch) and I would get hit on. I would always be up front and honest and tell them I was engaged but that didnt stop most. I began to collect numbers so I could text and compete with FI when he would spend most of the night texting. My intentions were to keep it innocent and just give FI a dose of his own medicine when it came down to the constant texting, until the original guy wanted me to send a pic because he "missed me" I obliged by sending a cute little pic of my face. He asked for something a little more risque. I hesitated at first but sent one anyway. Then, I couldnt stop. I sent one to all the guys I collected and was constantly taking more. They liked them, and wanted more. I got text messages saying, "i miss you", "you're so hot" and "your body is amazing" and I just kept wanting to hear it so I kept sending the pictures. Nothing physical, besides dancing ever happened with any of these guys, and like I said, I told them all I was engaged.

One day, FI gets a hold of my phone, and sees a text from one of them asking when I was going to "give it up" to him. He throws my phone and storms out. We talk and I tell him about the guy and how we met. He was upset but decided to stay. Then the next day, he found all the pictures I sent and received, thats when the real trouble started. He was so hurt and upset by me. I knew he wanted to leave, but I didnt want him to. I wanted to work it out with him, I just needed to fill that void in my life.  After talking and crying, we decided to work it out and stay together.

Ever since then, things havent been the same, obviously. He has been angrier and angrier at me and sometimes can say the most hurtful things. We have since moved into our home, and he has been drinking more and more and spent more time on the phone. One day recently, I got a hold of his phone (he was sleep and it kept going off)and found out that he had been flirting with a girl he works with and has tried to get her to sleep with him. I confronted him and he expressed sincere guilt and I decided to stay, I knew karma was coming back for me. And then a few weeks later, I found more text messages (he was sleep again and if you dont clear the messages, your alarm doesnt go off) of him telling a girl he loved me but he was no longer in love and he was being very flirtatious with her. I left that night, I couldnt take it. We talked about it the next day and decided to work it out.

FI and I have been at odds, talking back and forth about what to do. We havent cancelled or postponed the wedding. He says he still loves me and wants us to still get married, he just hasnt gotten over what happened last fall. He wants to postpone, but if he spent all this time trying not to get over it by drinking and distracting himself with other girls, then why should I postpone? I would sooner cancel...I know he's hurt and I know it's hard to get over, but I feel like with his attitude and the way he treats me now is getting to be a little excessive punishment. I am ready to get married and I dont want to be with anyone but him, ever. I am spending the weekend at my mom's so he can have some thinking time. But my question is, am I asking too much to want to marry him, and want him to marry me? Am I wrong to not want to be punished anymore?

I'm sorry you're going through this...  But it sounds like he got so angry because he had been doing the same exact thing as you all along.  My advice would be to take some premarital classes and really get down to the bare bones of your relationship.  I hope the situation works out for the best for the both of you. 

Okay.. I am sorry to be the first person to suggest this, but this relationship has me very worried and therefore very worried about YOU and the idea that you might still go through with this.

Are you sure he isn't cheating?

I know it seems *incomprehensible* but from reading your story about all the texts, all the time on the phone, the SEVERE drop off in sex, I don't think it's out of the question. Usually men who are being unfaithful will then have complete over-reactions to something that is "borderline" like you sending a text because it takes the attention off their bad behavior and makes you feel guilty, like you need to be a better girlfriend, etc etc. I really think counseling is a good way to go and be sure you have all the facts before getting any further into this.

A relationship should not be about you two hurting each other and you can do much better than this if he is not treating you right or making you feel special. If this relationship can get back to that point, great, but it will take a LOT of work. Good luck.

Thank you all for your opinions and advice. I know its hard to kind of analyze the situation without knowing the full monty, and I appreciate all the help. I want to marry him, not because I like the idea and not because I am swept away but because I truly and deeply love this man. I still look at him as he's sleeping and snoring in my face, I still get butterflies when he texts me or calls me. I get excited when he comes to bed because I love to snuggle up next to him. I have imagined nothing more than spending the rest of my life with him, its just I got so carried away with the attention and I was feeding into it. I dont want to lose him and am willing to do whatever it takes to make our relationship work. Getting married to him is like my ultimate dream come true and I dont want that to slip away...