Post # 1
Oof, I have landed myself in an awkward situation and need advice. Right after getting engaged, I told best friend#1 I was just going to have four bridesmaids, no MOH. Well… fast forward several months and my mom insisting I need a MOH, I did ask best friend #2 to be MOH. I never announced to the other girls I chose this best friend to be MOH, and #1 told everyone they are all equal bridesmaids. I still don’t think anyone knows my MOH is more than a BM. One of the other bridesmaids has a jealous streak (and I have known her longer) and has already gotten upset she wasn’t included on the bridal shower planning email. I feel like I need a diagram to illustrate the situation. But I know that friend will be very upset if/when she finds out I did actually choose a MOH.
Basically, from the beggining I just wanted four bridesmaids because I don’t like the idea of picking one special MOH. But I listened to my mom and now with all this drama, I really regret it. I want to talk to the MOH and ask if she’d mind if they’re all equal bridesmaids (especially since no one even knows she is MOH except my mom). But I’m worried about hurting her feelings – though my gut tells me she might not even care that much about the title.
Other notes: we’re getting married in Europe and I’m thinking of using the fact that there’s no such thing as a MOH to explain the situation. And, to be honest, the MOH I chose hasn’t been doing an amazing job of fulfilling her duties… two of the other BMs have been way more involved! I feel like my MOH isn’t that attached to her role and is super busy and stressed (and now I remember her complaining about being a BM in another wedding)… but everything I read is like NEVER DEMOTE A MOH.
Sigh. Thoughts?? I’m thinking of just emailing the MOH and being transparent about how I feel and get a feel for where she stands on this, but I’m still not sure if I’m risking serious friend issues.
Post # 2
I am doing three Ladies of Honor, no bridesmaids (they are all married and I think Matron sounds dumpy haha)
ETA: Could you elevate the other three, and have 4 Maids/Matrons/Ladies of Honor?
Post # 3
The only thing an MOH *has* to do is show up at the wedding in a dress you pick, so unless you’ve already had your wedding, there’s no way she hasn’t ‘done her job’.
Post # 4
Make them all maid of honours? It’s just a title, and I’d like to believe your nearest and dearest wouldn’t care, but maybe if they all can say they’re MOH it will chill things out. I have two because I couldn’t pick between my two best friends, but it’s not like they’re doing anything different than if I called them bridesmaids. They’re still just my friends.
Post # 5
Definitely don’t demote your MOH. I had the same problem as you (am also super nonconfrontational and terrified of offending my friends). I chose not to designate a MOH even though I do consider one of my friends a bit “bester” than the others lol…it just wasn’t worth the drama for me. But it’s too late for you since you already asked one of your friends to be the MOH. At this point you just need to face the music and deal with potential fallout from the jealous best friend.
Honestly, I don’t know how people throw weddings without offending SOMEONE. I recently found out my friend who isn’t a BM is “devastated” that I didn’t ask her (her mother told my mother who told me). But if I had asked her, I would have had to ask another girl too (one of those things, these two girls are like a pair, I can’t ask one and not the other) and that would have brought me to seven bridesmaids which is just way more than I wanted to deal with, plus this particular girl just brings drama and negative energy to everything and I didnt’ want to deal with it, so it’s just a whole clusterfuck.
I was actually thinking to myself today that I partially wish I didn’t have ANY bridesmaids, but then I got a grip and reminded myself that I am having my closest friends stand up next to me on my day and that’s just the way it is. If someone is hurt I didn’t ask them, they will have to deal with it and get over it. You truly cannot please everyone when it comes to your wedding.
Anyway, I would tell the friend who is likely to be offended in person. Ask her to give a toast maybe?
Post # 6
it sounds like the friend you asked to be MOH is pretty chill–i’d tell her the whole story. She’ll probably laugh it off.
in the end though, you gotta do what works for you–not your mom, not your bridesmaid..
Post # 7
amanda1988 : Seriously. I wish I had realized that before succumbing to my mom’s pressure to pick a MOH. Oh well.
tiffanybruiser : Haha, I love how obvious it is I am allergic to confrontation and hurting people’s feelings… I should have listened to my gut initially, but I think I agree its too late to go back now. I need to stop worrying so much about hurting people’s feelings and deal with it before my avoidance continues to make things more awkward.
knickergold : I definitely wasn’t saying she hasn’t “done her job” – I was just explaining that I don’t think she is super attached to the title/role since other BMs have stepped in to handle more of the planning. (I’m honestly not attached to traditions at all and don’t care who does what – I just don’t like hurting anyone’s feelings!)
In conclusion, trust your gut from the outset to avoid similar awkwardness/feelings of regret! 😉
Post # 8
- Wedding: April 2018 - Family Ranch
I was struggling with this a lot too.. i wasnt going to have a MOH just all bridesmaids. I live in california & all the girls are on the east coast so choosing one was hard bc everything is cross country planning. MOH needs to witness your marriage license being signed (and plan anything extra she wants to bc they all plan/fund the bach party & bridal shower together)
Post # 9
I agree with you, I don’t like the idea of a MOH, it just seems like your telling the rest that they’re not important enough…idk how to explain, I just think it’s weird.
Post # 10
You know your crowd. If you think your MOH will be cool with it then explain it to her and make them all BMs.
Post # 11
marie505 : So you think the answer to this problem is to potentially hurt your MOH who has done nothing to warrant this treatment so as not to upset a BM who would act like a jealous petulant child because she didn’t get picked?
The answer is to not do it but to tell the petulant child to act like an adult.
Post # 12
j_jaye : Lol I love how people keep it real on here! 😉 After mulling and weighing the options, I agree with your concluding advice. I only seriously considered making them all equal bridesmaids/ladies of honor because I’m 99% sure my MOH wouldn’t care, but its not worth potentially hurting her feelings. My internal debate stemmed from the fact that this situation proved I should have followed my instinct from the outset. But I didn’t, so there is no turning back at this point. That’s on me obviously!
If I could do it again, I would not have chosen a MOH. We are getting married in a European country where the tradition doesn’t even exist and we’re a multicultural couple without strong ties to American traditions. As for planning the shower/bachelorette activities, they’re all helping according to their strengths/interests (and MOH is not leading the way, which is fine!). It basically turned out how I expected, except with added jealousy issues/personality clashes that I think would have been less without a MOH, a choice which feels fairly arbitrary to me anyway.
My two cents based on this experience! Follow your instinct at the beginning 😉